“Rip your eyeball out and you'll lactate butter” or, some things are just wrong
Isn’t that a great title for a post? I got it from this site: http://www.amiright.com/artists/billyidol.shtml. There’s a part where people say what they thought some of the lines of Billy Idol’s songs meant. “Rip your eyeball out and you'll lactate butter” was actually “Well, he's out all night to collect a fare” (from “Rebel yell”). But the “mistaken version” makes sense if you’ve listened to enough Idol, IMO, especially if it’s followed by a lot of yelling.
I’ve recently rediscovered Billy Idol. I used to love him as a teenager, but got a bit ticked off when he started overdoing the drugs, so I stopped listening to him. Then he dropped out of sight. I was listening to a Chuck Berry song last weekend and started wondering what Billy would have done to it. That got me thinking that I have no Billy Idol CDs. So I went to find out what he’s been up to since 1990. I ended up buying a CD and DVD, Idolize Yourself. It’s a career-spanning compilation, with stuff from Generation X to right now. His latest tracks are quite as good as anything else he’s done and I think “John Wayne” is now my favourite Idol track ever. You can listen to it here: http://billyidol.net/idolmain.html. “New future weapon” isn’t half bad either.
That’s not what’s wrong.
This is: http://www.billyidol.net/holidays.html. Think carefully before you click the link: things which are seen cannot be unseen. It’s a compilation of Christmas music sung by Billy Idol. Sung straight. With no twists, sneers, suggestive gestures or rebel yells. Nothing like Twisted Sister’s Twisted Christmas album. And this is the year after he brings out The Devil’s Playground, featuring tracks called “Plastic Jesus” and “Yellin’ at the Christmas Tree”. Perhaps after yelling at the Christmas tree, he got it all out of his system and could go onto “Jingle bells” without a backward glance.
I think the scariest part of Happy Holidays is the CD jacket. It shows Billy sitting at a piano, with a Christmas present (tied with a bow). He has a pleasant smile on his face, flat hair and is wearing a lounge suit. He sings “Jingle Bells” and “White Christmas” amongst other holiday favourites. I felt like those children in that film who are sent to a holiday camp and tortured - what was it? Oh yes, Addams Family Values.
Discovering this CD actually put my week out last week. It’s just so wrong on so many levels. It goes beyond Billy Idol wrong (and there are all levels of wrong in there). There are lines in this world that should not be crossed and this is one of them. Not even if you’re Billy Idol. If you look at the commentary on Amazon, one of the people calls it “Weird, weird, weird”. Another complained that he should at least have tried “Dancing with my Elf” or “It’s a nice day for a … WHITE CHRISTMAS … aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!”. Apparently he sounds like Bing Crosby. You can read more here:
http://www.amazon.com/Happy-Holidays-Special-Christmas-Album/dp/B000JJS5RM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1219600359&sr=1-1
Holy hell, there are two covers. You can see him here too, in a tie (*boggles*):
http://www.amazon.com/Happy-Holidays-Special-Christmas-Album/dp/B000LMOGFW/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1219600359&sr=1-2
OMG, what was he thinking? He should fire his manager. No one looking for Billy Idol is going to say to themselves, “I wonder what carols Billy’s singing this year” and no one looking for Christmas carols is going say, “I know! Let’s try Billy Idol!” As a friend said, if he needed the money we could have tried raising it on the internet: “Save Billy from Jingle Bells”.
In my opinion, it’s the scariest thing he’s ever done. It’s taken me a full seven days to be able to write about it. I feel as if I’ve had a shock to the system, all right. I’ve tried to compensate by extreme measures: removing Beecher and Keller’s ten year anniversary banner (thanks, Colleen) from my wallpaper and putting up a black and white picture of Billy wearing little other than crucifixes. I’ll let you know if it works. Meanwhile my imprecation of choice has changed from “Fuck you, you fuck” to “Jingle Bells”. Ho ho ho. Not.
For more info about Billy’s career, go here: http://www.billyidol.net/music.html.
ETA: I have a nasty feeling I know what I'll be buying myself for Christmas. Save me from myself...