Sometimes it's exactly what you think it is.
I feel less wounded, now, which is good. Recovering has been easier, in part, this time because I'm not also trying to recover from a major surgery, and this, while unexpected, wasn't nearly the shock that it was last year.
I can accept that some people were never meant to nurture another human being. It's far more difficult to believe that someone would decide that it's okay to emotionally brutalize another person deliberately and repeatedly. I know it happens, I just wish that it didn't.
What I know is this: I can't live my life in fear. I can't worry myself into debilitating stomach aches or headaches, making it impossible for me to eat or sleep. If I do, I give this person the power over me that she obviously desperately craves. She can only keep hurting me if I let her. And, if there's one thing that I know how to do, it's armor myself. I can build walls like no other. The real trick is not to make the walls impregnable.
I don't trust easily. She is one of the major reasons why, and I figured that 51 weeks of not talking to her would get the point across. I meant what I said with every fiber of my being, "As long as you continue to do things like this, I can no longer have you as part of my life." I have no regrets that I said it. I have no regrets that I mean it and have since I said it.
Unfortunately, love isn't so simple to turn off. Did I think she would ever change? No. She's had no reason to. Did I hope maybe she would? Sadly, of course I did. It was the tiniest, quark-level spark of hope that, perhaps, she might recognize that what she did was hurtful and a product of her own mind. That tiny little sparkle of hope is extinguished, now. I know better.
There aren't any tears. I don't have any left for her. I knew last year that she wasn't worth the effort it would take to cry them. She just decided she needed to confirm it.
I can accept that some people were never meant to nurture another human being. It's far more difficult to believe that someone would decide that it's okay to emotionally brutalize another person deliberately and repeatedly. I know it happens, I just wish that it didn't.
What I know is this: I can't live my life in fear. I can't worry myself into debilitating stomach aches or headaches, making it impossible for me to eat or sleep. If I do, I give this person the power over me that she obviously desperately craves. She can only keep hurting me if I let her. And, if there's one thing that I know how to do, it's armor myself. I can build walls like no other. The real trick is not to make the walls impregnable.
I don't trust easily. She is one of the major reasons why, and I figured that 51 weeks of not talking to her would get the point across. I meant what I said with every fiber of my being, "As long as you continue to do things like this, I can no longer have you as part of my life." I have no regrets that I said it. I have no regrets that I mean it and have since I said it.
Unfortunately, love isn't so simple to turn off. Did I think she would ever change? No. She's had no reason to. Did I hope maybe she would? Sadly, of course I did. It was the tiniest, quark-level spark of hope that, perhaps, she might recognize that what she did was hurtful and a product of her own mind. That tiny little sparkle of hope is extinguished, now. I know better.
There aren't any tears. I don't have any left for her. I knew last year that she wasn't worth the effort it would take to cry them. She just decided she needed to confirm it.