time for an update
it's been awhile, and it's been some interesting winter. a little bit of a sad one, and I’m happy to see the sun coming out and a bit of my mood going toward the positive. I've actually been quite frustrated with my work insurance. I have the benefit of some counseling, which I've actively sought out, only to be rejected so far by 3 doctors because they don't like my insurance. And the insurance company lists these people on their site as being covered. Apparently this insurance (United Behavioral Health, under United Health Care) does a crappy job of reimbursing the doctors, as my last doctor told me last summer. So they don't want to deal with the hoops they have to go through to get lower compensation for their work. Not that I blame them. I guess it comes down to this benefit being bunk, and I'll have to try others, or pay my own $$ to seek what I'm lookin for.
I had a little breakdown last night toward Jeff. It wasn't easy, and it shows that I'm still letting a few things happen: I'm letting my insecurities rule my overall mind, and I’m believing them, and these areas where I've felt comfortable before now bring up discomfort for a reason I'm not too sure on. I think it's because of my overall feeling of what I've been told a relationship is. It brings up the question of when do you just make it what you want to make it and screw what a collective says you should be doing (like being the #1 person for each other, the only love, the only sex partner, "the one forever and ever") and when do you realize something isn't for you and you just want something different. It's a line I've been on a few times, and it's something that isn't really dependant on who I'm partnered with. Jeff, however, is the base example, since he's the longest pairing I've been with and the most recent, and the one I've actually gone through these emotions with.
What I don't like is that after I let out my steam of whatever fears have built up in me, I see easier ways of addressing them that don't involve phrases that could seem hurtful. I can see a way (and it seems easy) of saying "hey, this has me feeling uncomfortable. I'm sure it's fine, but I just feel weird. Any chance we can just discuss it to ease my fears?" rather than "this makes me feel sick!" And then I get to thinking there is no point in saying "I don't like something about myself" even in this aspect, because that only causes more tension in myself. I beat myself up for letting my irrational behavior take control again, and the cycle continues.
The other reason I'm still seeing this relationship rating is that I think that's all I still have around here. My individuality gets shelved for a dependency. I enjoy Jeff, hanging out, doing whatever, but it comes with some dependency as well. Travel, for instance, is a big one. He has a car, I have a bus pass, and though I love it, it doesn't get me to where I want to go as efficiently as Boston did with their public transport. So going out, or anywhere besides the house, I have a say in what goes on, but I also know that I'm not fully as independent in the situation as I'm used to.
I'm going into recycled analysis that I've done before. I would just like the scared part of me to feel secure in itself, to see it's not being hurt at all by anything. The only actual hurt I've had is one Mario Kart injury from the controller. Why would I want to limit someone else for the sake of something I want? And deprive anyone of something they'd want to do. I have a feeling there are also repressed wants in myself in this. I still feel that anything I hate or feel aggressive toward is actually something I want and feeling I'm not allowed to have for whatever reason. But it's a weird process for me to let it out. It's not coming naturally, I guess, and is forced a bit, so it brings out the crabby side of "No, I don't want this right now! I'm not read yet." I can't go at my own pace, but am trying to keep up with other people's pace.
All in all, I find it funny that I need to remind myself that I’m happy. But I do. It's where I am. I have been on a quest to own my feelings and realize what's real, instead of hiding what I don't want to be there and pretending it's ok. In a way, the latter part of that isn't a bad way to go, as long as you can actually let things go. But my mind is powerful, and able to grasp on to things for a long time. I'm working on relaxing that muscle. Slowly and slowly. It's pretty cool that there is someone out there that will be around with me while I do this.
I still want to seek out some counseling. I think it would do me good. This roadblock in all this is the most annoying at this point, thanks to bureaucracy and the fact that to get anything you want you have to pay out more $$. I'm gonna see what I can do about that.
I had a little breakdown last night toward Jeff. It wasn't easy, and it shows that I'm still letting a few things happen: I'm letting my insecurities rule my overall mind, and I’m believing them, and these areas where I've felt comfortable before now bring up discomfort for a reason I'm not too sure on. I think it's because of my overall feeling of what I've been told a relationship is. It brings up the question of when do you just make it what you want to make it and screw what a collective says you should be doing (like being the #1 person for each other, the only love, the only sex partner, "the one forever and ever") and when do you realize something isn't for you and you just want something different. It's a line I've been on a few times, and it's something that isn't really dependant on who I'm partnered with. Jeff, however, is the base example, since he's the longest pairing I've been with and the most recent, and the one I've actually gone through these emotions with.
What I don't like is that after I let out my steam of whatever fears have built up in me, I see easier ways of addressing them that don't involve phrases that could seem hurtful. I can see a way (and it seems easy) of saying "hey, this has me feeling uncomfortable. I'm sure it's fine, but I just feel weird. Any chance we can just discuss it to ease my fears?" rather than "this makes me feel sick!" And then I get to thinking there is no point in saying "I don't like something about myself" even in this aspect, because that only causes more tension in myself. I beat myself up for letting my irrational behavior take control again, and the cycle continues.
The other reason I'm still seeing this relationship rating is that I think that's all I still have around here. My individuality gets shelved for a dependency. I enjoy Jeff, hanging out, doing whatever, but it comes with some dependency as well. Travel, for instance, is a big one. He has a car, I have a bus pass, and though I love it, it doesn't get me to where I want to go as efficiently as Boston did with their public transport. So going out, or anywhere besides the house, I have a say in what goes on, but I also know that I'm not fully as independent in the situation as I'm used to.
I'm going into recycled analysis that I've done before. I would just like the scared part of me to feel secure in itself, to see it's not being hurt at all by anything. The only actual hurt I've had is one Mario Kart injury from the controller. Why would I want to limit someone else for the sake of something I want? And deprive anyone of something they'd want to do. I have a feeling there are also repressed wants in myself in this. I still feel that anything I hate or feel aggressive toward is actually something I want and feeling I'm not allowed to have for whatever reason. But it's a weird process for me to let it out. It's not coming naturally, I guess, and is forced a bit, so it brings out the crabby side of "No, I don't want this right now! I'm not read yet." I can't go at my own pace, but am trying to keep up with other people's pace.
All in all, I find it funny that I need to remind myself that I’m happy. But I do. It's where I am. I have been on a quest to own my feelings and realize what's real, instead of hiding what I don't want to be there and pretending it's ok. In a way, the latter part of that isn't a bad way to go, as long as you can actually let things go. But my mind is powerful, and able to grasp on to things for a long time. I'm working on relaxing that muscle. Slowly and slowly. It's pretty cool that there is someone out there that will be around with me while I do this.
I still want to seek out some counseling. I think it would do me good. This roadblock in all this is the most annoying at this point, thanks to bureaucracy and the fact that to get anything you want you have to pay out more $$. I'm gonna see what I can do about that.