Relationship Expectations
In the interviews that I have analyzed (so far, it's only been two out of thirteen), the very meat of their experiences of dealing with a culture different from theirs have given rise to feelings of frustration and stubbornness over who should compromise in the relationship. Both ends expect the other to adjust to the other's expectations. It's like how kids go, "I'm not moving until he says sorry!". Most of the time, it's as simple as lowering expectations, negotiating, and reaching a compromise. Speaking of compromises, I remember how in high school, my teacher had told me to never compromise my integrity. In hindsight, it sounded like an awesome value to have. Never waver. Hold on to the values that define me as a person. There is nothing wrong to have that kind of mental schema at the time. I was a teenager with raging hormones, and I needed something steady and absolute to hold on to. I needed a template to imitate and destroy once I find a better one.
The error in maintaining a template of absolutism is that it does not make any room for change to happen. It's living in that rigidly defined belief system that creates tension, years of festering hatred, and cyclic stasis. It is wrong for me to say that I will never be friends with a person who has wronged me, nor that I will forever be friends with a person who has never wronged me. I believed that I could hold on to my belief of uncompromising and unwavering "justice", "righteousness", and "propriety". I believed that my values were aligned towards attaining perfection, freedom, and respect. I thought that if I had continued to let those who have wronged see how I will never compromise my beliefs, the other person would reach a realization: "change for the better". Whatever that's supposed to mean. Of course, I expected that person to know better; to know what my beliefs were; to adjust to my own values; and to recognize me as the right one here.
Socially, my values work in favor of maintaining group harmony, practice, and tradition. Justice punishes the one who betrayed a member of the group. Righteousness defines the rules and norms of the group. Propriety dictates the practices and traditions that must be observed in the group. As someone who possesses those values, I know that I am far superior than the other and that I am in a position to exclude that person from the group. I am also in a position to utilize group resources and influence the rest of the group to see the reason in my choice to be the poster child of everything the group represents.
When seen from this perspective, the error lies in the certainty I possess. How do I know that the group shares the same values as me? How do I know that their beliefs will not change in time? Why do I feel that my wish to establish dominance over the other will be executed by the group?
I know the answers to these questions and they don't paint a pretty picture of myself. First of all, I know that groups have the tendency to favor the average. Extreme views are taken into consideration and a compromise is eventually formed: settle for the middle of the argument. In my case, the group will not entirely side with my stance nor will the group entirely side with the stance of the other. Instead, the group will be in the middle, either mediating between the two parties or ignoring the stance of both ends. Second, beliefs change in time. Personalities may be stable by age 25, but environmental and internal changes (i.e. childbirth and moving away from home) require personal adjustments. A common theme in the interviews that I have read through is that change is inevitable and that the group responds to these changes in two ways: adjust to these or resist and lose their market share. In the end, changes will occur. It's a matter of choosing the consequences that I can live with, and selecting the values that I need to live. Now if I were to put myself into the shoes of the group, I'd be composed of different changing personalities and I'd be averaging these different personalities into something (it may be a belief or an attitude or whatever). As a group, I'd also make changes in accordance with whatever the context is and whatever is needed to maintain the objective of the group: to maintain cooperativity and stability. Lastly, I know that my need to be "right" and recognized by the group stems from my own need to have the group recognize me as one of their own. I need to be assured that I will not be rejected, and that I have access to their resources. I am afraid of losing the labels that I have attached to myself by losing my own associations wtih the group.
Shame is an emotion that makes me feel like hiding in a corner. I don't want to be rejected by anyone, but I don't want anyone to deconstruct my own labels. Pride is an emotion that I possess in excess. I don't like having what I think I own injured in any way.
When I think about it, emotions change too. In fact, they change much more rapidly than personalities and moods. Likewise, emotions serve to tell me what is going on inside of me and outside of me. It is wrong of me to say that I will always possess the same emotions. It is also wrong of me to say that I will always be in control of these. It is wrong of me to believe that I have full control over other people and the situations that I encounter. It is really wrong of me to assume that my expectations are absolute.
My world changes all the time. The same goes with the dynamics of my relationships with other people. It is in accepting the inevitable and uncontrollable that I become much more aware of my thoughts and actions; that there is a need for me to become humble and a need for me to be open to compromise. My teacher was never wrong in telling me that I must never compromise my integrity. That was her belief. She was someone who had appeared to be successful and had everything I thought that I wanted. She had a personality that I thought that I could try out. She had provided me with a template to imitate. It was what I needed at a time when I did not know who I was.
I tried her personality out, and I tried out other personalities. I've met other people, tried to impose my own beliefs on them, and have failed so many times. In the end, I find out that the person who I thought I was was simply an amalgam of different personas and labels. No one lived up to my expectations. Why would they? I was not trying to meet them halfway. I did not acknowledge the possibility of the average. I held onto an extreme rather than accept reality for what it is. I refused to change. Around me, they did change. They just didn't change for me. I never had control over the decisions they made. The only control I ever really had was over my own decisions.
I find myself in this situation. I am presented with a set of options.
That leaves me with the one most obvious option:
I'm the one who needs to change.
The error in maintaining a template of absolutism is that it does not make any room for change to happen. It's living in that rigidly defined belief system that creates tension, years of festering hatred, and cyclic stasis. It is wrong for me to say that I will never be friends with a person who has wronged me, nor that I will forever be friends with a person who has never wronged me. I believed that I could hold on to my belief of uncompromising and unwavering "justice", "righteousness", and "propriety". I believed that my values were aligned towards attaining perfection, freedom, and respect. I thought that if I had continued to let those who have wronged see how I will never compromise my beliefs, the other person would reach a realization: "change for the better". Whatever that's supposed to mean. Of course, I expected that person to know better; to know what my beliefs were; to adjust to my own values; and to recognize me as the right one here.
Socially, my values work in favor of maintaining group harmony, practice, and tradition. Justice punishes the one who betrayed a member of the group. Righteousness defines the rules and norms of the group. Propriety dictates the practices and traditions that must be observed in the group. As someone who possesses those values, I know that I am far superior than the other and that I am in a position to exclude that person from the group. I am also in a position to utilize group resources and influence the rest of the group to see the reason in my choice to be the poster child of everything the group represents.
When seen from this perspective, the error lies in the certainty I possess. How do I know that the group shares the same values as me? How do I know that their beliefs will not change in time? Why do I feel that my wish to establish dominance over the other will be executed by the group?
I know the answers to these questions and they don't paint a pretty picture of myself. First of all, I know that groups have the tendency to favor the average. Extreme views are taken into consideration and a compromise is eventually formed: settle for the middle of the argument. In my case, the group will not entirely side with my stance nor will the group entirely side with the stance of the other. Instead, the group will be in the middle, either mediating between the two parties or ignoring the stance of both ends. Second, beliefs change in time. Personalities may be stable by age 25, but environmental and internal changes (i.e. childbirth and moving away from home) require personal adjustments. A common theme in the interviews that I have read through is that change is inevitable and that the group responds to these changes in two ways: adjust to these or resist and lose their market share. In the end, changes will occur. It's a matter of choosing the consequences that I can live with, and selecting the values that I need to live. Now if I were to put myself into the shoes of the group, I'd be composed of different changing personalities and I'd be averaging these different personalities into something (it may be a belief or an attitude or whatever). As a group, I'd also make changes in accordance with whatever the context is and whatever is needed to maintain the objective of the group: to maintain cooperativity and stability. Lastly, I know that my need to be "right" and recognized by the group stems from my own need to have the group recognize me as one of their own. I need to be assured that I will not be rejected, and that I have access to their resources. I am afraid of losing the labels that I have attached to myself by losing my own associations wtih the group.
Shame is an emotion that makes me feel like hiding in a corner. I don't want to be rejected by anyone, but I don't want anyone to deconstruct my own labels. Pride is an emotion that I possess in excess. I don't like having what I think I own injured in any way.
When I think about it, emotions change too. In fact, they change much more rapidly than personalities and moods. Likewise, emotions serve to tell me what is going on inside of me and outside of me. It is wrong of me to say that I will always possess the same emotions. It is also wrong of me to say that I will always be in control of these. It is wrong of me to believe that I have full control over other people and the situations that I encounter. It is really wrong of me to assume that my expectations are absolute.
My world changes all the time. The same goes with the dynamics of my relationships with other people. It is in accepting the inevitable and uncontrollable that I become much more aware of my thoughts and actions; that there is a need for me to become humble and a need for me to be open to compromise. My teacher was never wrong in telling me that I must never compromise my integrity. That was her belief. She was someone who had appeared to be successful and had everything I thought that I wanted. She had a personality that I thought that I could try out. She had provided me with a template to imitate. It was what I needed at a time when I did not know who I was.
I tried her personality out, and I tried out other personalities. I've met other people, tried to impose my own beliefs on them, and have failed so many times. In the end, I find out that the person who I thought I was was simply an amalgam of different personas and labels. No one lived up to my expectations. Why would they? I was not trying to meet them halfway. I did not acknowledge the possibility of the average. I held onto an extreme rather than accept reality for what it is. I refused to change. Around me, they did change. They just didn't change for me. I never had control over the decisions they made. The only control I ever really had was over my own decisions.
I find myself in this situation. I am presented with a set of options.
That leaves me with the one most obvious option:
I'm the one who needs to change.