Before the Looking Glass
I'm getting sick and tired of limiting myself and telling myself that there's more to me than what I present (IDEALIZATION). I blame it on other people feeling envious of my talents, but at the root of it all is a deep seated fear of not being accepted for who I am (whoever being that I am) (DISPLACEMENT). I also fear the idea of discovering a side of me that I'm afraid of embracing. What if I had a side of me that weren't congruent with who I am today? How would I live with myself (SPLITTING)?
I always tell myself and other people to never make the self the enemy. Always avoid asking the "why" questions. However, I now find myself asking "why do I do this" which eventually leads to me asking myself "who am I"? I'm teetering on dangerous ground here and the possibility of making an enemy out of the self that I am familiar with. Albeit shallow and in less need of diving deeper and destroying my original self-concept, but at least it's safe and easy. Easier to resist change than to embrace it. (SPLITTING)
So here I am doing the one thing I keep telling myself to never really do. I'm asking myself these questions and risking the idea of waging war with myself. Do I dare to destroy the "me" that I am today? Venture into the dark, get lost, mess up, and lose almost everything dear to me in the hope of emerging as someone else? Is finding "my true self" (am I chasing unicorns with such a theoretical and abstract concept?) much more important than having everything I could possibly need with me right now?
I have it all (IDEALIZATION). I'm a risk-aversive gambler who likes to play with the odds in my favor (INTELLECTUALIZATION). I find that I have a 99.99% chance of erring (ergo losing myself in time and space to never return within the norm) with a 0.01 margin in favor of finding "my true self". Subjectively, this sounds like a wonderful tour de force road into "self-discovery, growth, and nurturance"(IDEALIZATION). Empirically, this sounds like total bullshit (RATIONALIZATION). Why chase after elusive pots of gold when I have a coin purse filled with gold right beside me? I don't need to change (REGRESSION). I don't need to feel dissatisfied with myself (DISSOCIATION). I'm perfectly content with everything in my life (REACTION FORMATION).
Can I say that I am happy right now?
Yes, I am happy (DISTORTION).
But can I say that I am content?
No.
Why?
It's because I'm arguing with myself right now (RATIONALIZATION). Somewhere deep inside of me I know that I can be so much more (IDEALIZATION). I just don't believe in myself. I don't feel the need to shake things up when things are so steady and peaceful on the outside (DISTORTION). I don't see why I must do that (REGRESSION). I don't see why I must change (REGRESSION). There is no need for it even if it's an illusion.
There. I said it. It's an illusion. This peace and lulled happiness is an illusion. It's a temporary distraction from other realities that exist before me. It's fleeting. I know that, and deep inside of me, I fear that this is simply a calm before a storm. I can feel it looming over the horizon, and I fear that the changes that I need to make will force me out of my own comfort zone. Change will happen. I know that I will resist it to a point that I will lose myself in the battle for the illusions that comfort me. I know that I need to prepare myself for this, to let go little by little, and to take deep breaths while I still can. I will enjoy this illusion for what it is while I attend to myself and my environment in anticipation of whatever may be (REGRESSION-ANTICIPATION).
I know who I am. It's silly of me to ask that question when the true question is, do I believe in me? From what I see, I don't believe in myself that much. Is that why I'm drawn to people who hate themselves so much? They reflect that side of me that I wish to deny, and that by "helping" these people out I feel better about myself when the truth is that I am searching for a way that they can help me out? I am such a fool for not seeing this, and it shames to know that all my glamour was nothing more than flimsy defenses against the truth.
So I am naked, vulnerable, and small before the forces that shape me. My illusions of changing for the better are not for me but for the illusion of me.