For Lady Di Wi
Lady - I have been thinking a lot about you and about me today. I had wanted to say something that would help you ease the pain and make you feel less alone in some regards. But, I couldn't find anything. Then I realized that twice in the last two days I had to explain my philosophy on breaking up. It helps me to process it this way - especially in light of losing what feels like my "story" along with my Kk. It's not good when we see ourselves as part of something that we cannot exist outside of. Please don't get me wrong I don't know that is the case with you.... But, I felt the urge to copy and paste what I had written in the hopes that perhaps it could help you or someone else reading it. Hope you are well. Rosita
When a relationship ends, particularly a powerful one we say the right words, like "This is over" and "I don't think this will ever work, goodbye". We know that this is the right thing to do. Unfortunately the mind does not change so fast - it is an organ of repetitive work like any other organ. It is natural for it to fantasize or dream about the future (we as humans repeat behaviors or encourage our body to do so when those behaviors result in feeling good). When it is doing so it puts in the picture of the loved one's face that it is used to. It just does naturally. So, of course the heart responds to the positive juices the mind is putting out (fantasy, dreams cause positive effects mentally and physically) so that reinforces the mind's picture once again. It is only through sheer strength of thought (and often not even then) that the mind will change. It is particularly difficult when there is no new picture to put in there (reason why so many folks don't break up until the "new" one is already considered or even dating). So we work on ourselves, we repeat stories in our minds of the bad things or the reasons we no longer want to be with that person. Eventually this works and the mind becomes used to a new pattern - a new story. If, before this is accomplished, the mind is going along its happy way fantacizing still using the picture of our former loved one and we bump into something that proves otherwise we are startled and uncomfortable which leads us to be unduly angry or sad or both. We "over react" in the eye of most who are not feeling that startle. So, why do I love you? Because I'm used to it. Because it was my dream. Because I've never felt more pretty and safe and wonderful as when I still was your girl (years ago). Because I held on and didn't talk myself out of it all these years because I believed when our stress was lessened we'd pursue getting that back. So not only do I have the habit of you being in those fantacies. I have the habit of talking myself out of being upset and accepting with a "wait it will get better" approach. So I have to relearn to fantacize and relearn to love w/o condition. Being that I wasn't very good at that to begin with (you were a big surprise to me) and being that I've been in a string of unhealthy relationships (used to talking myself out of refantacizing) it will take me a while.
When a relationship ends, particularly a powerful one we say the right words, like "This is over" and "I don't think this will ever work, goodbye". We know that this is the right thing to do. Unfortunately the mind does not change so fast - it is an organ of repetitive work like any other organ. It is natural for it to fantasize or dream about the future (we as humans repeat behaviors or encourage our body to do so when those behaviors result in feeling good). When it is doing so it puts in the picture of the loved one's face that it is used to. It just does naturally. So, of course the heart responds to the positive juices the mind is putting out (fantasy, dreams cause positive effects mentally and physically) so that reinforces the mind's picture once again. It is only through sheer strength of thought (and often not even then) that the mind will change. It is particularly difficult when there is no new picture to put in there (reason why so many folks don't break up until the "new" one is already considered or even dating). So we work on ourselves, we repeat stories in our minds of the bad things or the reasons we no longer want to be with that person. Eventually this works and the mind becomes used to a new pattern - a new story. If, before this is accomplished, the mind is going along its happy way fantacizing still using the picture of our former loved one and we bump into something that proves otherwise we are startled and uncomfortable which leads us to be unduly angry or sad or both. We "over react" in the eye of most who are not feeling that startle. So, why do I love you? Because I'm used to it. Because it was my dream. Because I've never felt more pretty and safe and wonderful as when I still was your girl (years ago). Because I held on and didn't talk myself out of it all these years because I believed when our stress was lessened we'd pursue getting that back. So not only do I have the habit of you being in those fantacies. I have the habit of talking myself out of being upset and accepting with a "wait it will get better" approach. So I have to relearn to fantacize and relearn to love w/o condition. Being that I wasn't very good at that to begin with (you were a big surprise to me) and being that I've been in a string of unhealthy relationships (used to talking myself out of refantacizing) it will take me a while.