(no subject)

[rosiexriveter]

another odd couple of days. i had this huge explosive conversation with james last night, where i started saying all kinds of weird stuff that didn't seem true at all until i said it. sometimes you can convince yourself of anything. i am the master of creating problems out of nothing, and seeing the bad in what seems to be good. i know it's annoying. i know this is why i lose friends left and right. sometimes i wish i could just put the contents of my brain into musical form for people to listen to, and then maybe they would get it. at least it would be a way to present myself up front, and save myself the painful episode where i am left all alone, wondering what it was that scared them off this time. i'm tired of putting all this effort into friendships, and then just having them dissapear. it's exhausting to put my feelings and thoughts into words. it's exhausting to let people get to know me. i just wish that someone would stick around and save me the trouble of having to constantly do this over and over again. someone that doesn't live in another state.
james used to understand me, but lately it doesn't really feel like he does either. it's like i have a multitude of aquaintances but noone willing to let me unload all my crap on them. i guess i can understand. i am an extremely high maintanance friend. i can promise i will be there for you if you need it, but i can also promise that it's almost guaranteed that i will need you way more often than you need me.