(no subject)
I stare blankly into the darkness of the room, listening to the steady breathing coming from the bed next to me, each breath tugging at my heart and blurring my already unstable conscience.
I turn over slowly under my duvet, towards you, allowing a hot tear to spill out of the corner of my left eye. The steady rise and fall of your chest is in my line of sight now, illuminated in the dim, artificial light from the alarm clock on the table between our beds.
Every time you exhale, I am reminded that it was another breath you took without knowing how I feel about you. Another breath you took without my fingers tangled in your soft brown hair; another breath you took without my lips lost in yours.
And another.
I sit up restlessly and angrily, leaning my head against the wall beside my bed. I pull my legs up to my chest, resting my chin on my knees and closing my eyes, sighing as I try to re-organise my thoughts.
But I can't. No matter how hard I try to sort my head out, I actually can't.
My head is clouded with reason, confused over which direction they are being asked to move in. Only one thing seems to stand clear, stand apart from the rest.
I love you.
Completely, madly, irrevocably love you.
My eyes flicker over your gently lit face for the millionth time that night, ensuring that every crevice, every contour, every shadow is etched into my memory. The delicate skin, the slightly parted roseate lips, the soft brown eyelashes resting peacefully against smooth cheekbones.
Another tear escapes my eye, trickling onto already wet cheeks, and I smile cynically at how pathetic this whole thing is. Internal conflict raging again, I wish with all I have to go back in time, to never allow myself to fall for you.
That's your best friend,
the voice of reason inside my head tells me. It's wrong. She doesn't love you like you love her. She never will.
I try to fight the dull, nagging ache in my stomach that knows my conscience is right. The battle is lost. I start to cry; to sob silently.
It comes from nowhere, a sudden flood of bitter emotion and despair. The reality of this situation - our situation - hits me like a ton of bricks, squashing all dignity I have left like an insect that nobody wanted.
I could feel it bubbling restlessly in the pit of my stomach, the combined tiredness and regret and loneliness too much for me to take. A raw explosion of feelings, I don't even try to hold the tears back. They spill out, one after another and another, racking my body with great sobs until I simply have a hole where all that emotion had been contained.
I am empty now, the tears having formed cold walls around my heart; nothing to be released, nothing to be allowed in. I'm done with love.
You fall in it, so expectant of being caught, but no. Smack, you hit the ground, and when enough pain has surpassed to look up, to face the reality, there's no-one around to help you. No-one wants to nurse your wounds with soothing words, no-one wants to share your pain.
Even the person you wanted to catch you walks past, blind, without even looking over their shoulder to check if you survived the fall.