The death card, a big ending.
So looking back with most of February behind me I'm surprised to see the cards reflected back at me I guess that means I go to did a good job of being alive this month.
The last few days I've seen the death card which I never do, I've assumed this is to do with closing off all communication with Mikie, which was a long time coming. I've been done for a long time. I figured his abuse of me was inconsequential, I don’t care about his opinion of me, and it wasn't important. But then he was shouting at me in front of the boy first visit, And then at the boy I'm second. and then it seemed obvious it was time to model protecting oneself from people and only tolerating what was right
I told Ruben I was done it wasn't right I wasn't standing for it and it was the end for me. co I'm done with feeling any need for him. I've had I've tried hard to encourage him to father but no amounts of patience or kindness as ever made any difference. I saw him disrespect us both, and we were getting nothing. Over the years I kept thinking he couldn't help it, and I’m not sure he really can but, He wasn't doing it to anyone else in the household which proves he was choosing to abuse. Though probably not a conscious decision it’s not okay, and we have no debt to pay him. What's more when I approached him to discuss Rueben’s problems with his behaviour he refused to apologize or even acknowledge that the child’s requests were reasonable. I had hoped in a day or two he would think of it and try and think through how to respond. He didn’t even try a little bit and called me names.
I'm over it I don't care if he is his dad. I don't care if society places a value on that role. I don't care at all anymore I realized when he fell off the mountain and I didn't even waver in my resolve. I am beyond done.
at the beginning of February when he was still here I did a pull for the month I asked a few questions what do I need to know? magician in Reverse. what do I need to avoid? hierophant in reverse and to embrace? the Ten of Wands
I remember looking at that ten of Wands (a card about taking too much on and delegating and lighting my load.) As a single mom, it's one I've seen often. For me, parenthood has been a lesson and asking for help, and I still have to be bullied into it a bit. I looked at this card and thought “a chance would be a fine thing”
With everything his dad kicked up for us we had a few serious chats, I didn't know how to put things right his father’s behaviour is only controllable by his father. Rueben never wants to say negative things about his father to me. I was able to say to him I know this, you can talk to someone else; my parents but also the guidance counsellor at school. I don't know if he did or not, or if he even feels that's needed. I know we are getting a great deal of support. he's being a great student and they are trying so hard to bring out the best in him. he's very happy and that means a lot. I may never know how he feels about this issue, I am able to delegate, and model not always having the answers. I don't need to know and I don't need to fix everything. I can not know, and think this to is a 10 of Wands lesson.
what I realized the hierophant was saying here which I really couldn’t see at the beginning of the month I have no idea at the beginning of the month. I'd written might feel restricted focus on true self rather than what others expect of you and remember not really getting it wondering what I was working too much are trying to act like a real adult too much and not really seeing it now I see yes I was feeling restricted I was trying to be welcoming and act adult. I was not being honest, I was sublimating my feelings for Rueben’s benefit I was playing a role. I realized his father expects us both to put up with his behaviour, again and again, he expects calm and numerous chances. He will be surprised to be held to account. When he was here he was surprised that I didn't want Rueben being raised with blind deference to a father or a grandfather. I don’t believe titles entitle one to any respect. He may never understand that he's not an important character in our lives, or that it was choices that he's made that have caused that. He has frequently said I will always be his father, but to my mind this means nothing. I don't need him, and now I have completely moved out of that Paradigm and he will never be treated any better than a stranger who has put us through the disappointment he has. I just hope Rueben feels half of the freedom I do for me this death is very complete.
The last few days I've seen the death card which I never do, I've assumed this is to do with closing off all communication with Mikie, which was a long time coming. I've been done for a long time. I figured his abuse of me was inconsequential, I don’t care about his opinion of me, and it wasn't important. But then he was shouting at me in front of the boy first visit, And then at the boy I'm second. and then it seemed obvious it was time to model protecting oneself from people and only tolerating what was right
I told Ruben I was done it wasn't right I wasn't standing for it and it was the end for me. co I'm done with feeling any need for him. I've had I've tried hard to encourage him to father but no amounts of patience or kindness as ever made any difference. I saw him disrespect us both, and we were getting nothing. Over the years I kept thinking he couldn't help it, and I’m not sure he really can but, He wasn't doing it to anyone else in the household which proves he was choosing to abuse. Though probably not a conscious decision it’s not okay, and we have no debt to pay him. What's more when I approached him to discuss Rueben’s problems with his behaviour he refused to apologize or even acknowledge that the child’s requests were reasonable. I had hoped in a day or two he would think of it and try and think through how to respond. He didn’t even try a little bit and called me names.
I'm over it I don't care if he is his dad. I don't care if society places a value on that role. I don't care at all anymore I realized when he fell off the mountain and I didn't even waver in my resolve. I am beyond done.
at the beginning of February when he was still here I did a pull for the month I asked a few questions what do I need to know? magician in Reverse. what do I need to avoid? hierophant in reverse and to embrace? the Ten of Wands
I remember looking at that ten of Wands (a card about taking too much on and delegating and lighting my load.) As a single mom, it's one I've seen often. For me, parenthood has been a lesson and asking for help, and I still have to be bullied into it a bit. I looked at this card and thought “a chance would be a fine thing”
With everything his dad kicked up for us we had a few serious chats, I didn't know how to put things right his father’s behaviour is only controllable by his father. Rueben never wants to say negative things about his father to me. I was able to say to him I know this, you can talk to someone else; my parents but also the guidance counsellor at school. I don't know if he did or not, or if he even feels that's needed. I know we are getting a great deal of support. he's being a great student and they are trying so hard to bring out the best in him. he's very happy and that means a lot. I may never know how he feels about this issue, I am able to delegate, and model not always having the answers. I don't need to know and I don't need to fix everything. I can not know, and think this to is a 10 of Wands lesson.
what I realized the hierophant was saying here which I really couldn’t see at the beginning of the month I have no idea at the beginning of the month. I'd written might feel restricted focus on true self rather than what others expect of you and remember not really getting it wondering what I was working too much are trying to act like a real adult too much and not really seeing it now I see yes I was feeling restricted I was trying to be welcoming and act adult. I was not being honest, I was sublimating my feelings for Rueben’s benefit I was playing a role. I realized his father expects us both to put up with his behaviour, again and again, he expects calm and numerous chances. He will be surprised to be held to account. When he was here he was surprised that I didn't want Rueben being raised with blind deference to a father or a grandfather. I don’t believe titles entitle one to any respect. He may never understand that he's not an important character in our lives, or that it was choices that he's made that have caused that. He has frequently said I will always be his father, but to my mind this means nothing. I don't need him, and now I have completely moved out of that Paradigm and he will never be treated any better than a stranger who has put us through the disappointment he has. I just hope Rueben feels half of the freedom I do for me this death is very complete.