&& i don't think that you know what you've been missing.
bite the hand that feeds your face; one more thing you can replace. shut my mouth because i’m spilling all your dirty secrets. slap the wrist of this embrace. you're the one who's losing face. search the quiet corners, lock the door i can hear you screaming. don't wake up you're not really dreaming. when your world starts caving in, i'd still take you in. pour the salt straight in my veins, i wont need them anymore. make the cut much deeper, lying on your bedroom floor. i'm giving up, i’m giving up. when your world starts caving in, i'd still take you in. and if your world filled you with fear, i'm already here. and i've been everything you ever needed, ever wanted, everything you wished for. and this is how you repay me. and i've always been right here. you'll play your part and i'll play mine, even if i don't want to.
remember when i had three important reasons for me to stay at churchill? well for the past while i've only had two. i do not play as big of a part in one of my most ridiculously important reason's life. and not because i wanted it that way. and possibly not even that he wanted it that way. something so temporary came between us & tore us apart. and maybe this separation is only temporary as well, but at this rate, it's more likely to be permanent. i can't do anything about it. it's just hard to think back to what he's told me & remember everything we used to do together & i just don't know how much longer i can take it. of course i want to reach out & try to make this work again but i can't. i've tried & i guess it hasn't done very much. it's just another example of me failing at something. i try so hard. and nothing ever works out the way that would make me happy. the way that i would like. and i thought i still had two more reasons to stay at churchill, but i might as well have none. i rarely see either of them at school anyway. don't get me wrong, i love them so much. but i do miss them. i see them occasionally on weekends, but not always. i wish i had something to get wrapped up in too.
i think that more than anything, i want that security back. the security of knowing i always having someone. always having someone to eat lunch with or hang out on the weekends. but the truth is, i don't. i know it sounds lame but there are a lot of days where i think i should just skip lunch and go somewhere by myself because if i'm not there it doesn't matter. and maybe that's better than making other people feel like they have to eat lunch with me. i always feel like i'm using people when i sit with them. maybe i should just eat by myself some days. it's just..you know those people who will always have that security? because everyone likes them, everyone wants to be friends with them. they'll always be blessed with the security that i wish i had.
my sister and i talked last night, about high school. she promised me college wouldn't be like this at all. she told me that i can't keep thinking this is all there is. that this is all there will be. because in high school there's so much drama. honestly. when you can't talk to a boy because another girl thinks you're trying to steal him from her..that's just..pointless. there's no point. and it makes me so upset because girls end up hating each other over stupid shit like this. when, in a year, it's not even gonna matter. this is why i hate high school. and yet..i don't want to leave.
i made you a mix CD & everything about it is perfect. the songs are in the perfect order & every song has it's own meaning. i even titled it, and made a front & back for the case, but i don't know if i can give it to you. i feel like maybe i shouldn't. like i'm not allowed to. but god how i want to. i guess i'm scared that you won't appreciate it.
happy easter, by the way. <3
ps. new background much thanks to kimberlyy<3 she's wonderful.
remember when i had three important reasons for me to stay at churchill? well for the past while i've only had two. i do not play as big of a part in one of my most ridiculously important reason's life. and not because i wanted it that way. and possibly not even that he wanted it that way. something so temporary came between us & tore us apart. and maybe this separation is only temporary as well, but at this rate, it's more likely to be permanent. i can't do anything about it. it's just hard to think back to what he's told me & remember everything we used to do together & i just don't know how much longer i can take it. of course i want to reach out & try to make this work again but i can't. i've tried & i guess it hasn't done very much. it's just another example of me failing at something. i try so hard. and nothing ever works out the way that would make me happy. the way that i would like. and i thought i still had two more reasons to stay at churchill, but i might as well have none. i rarely see either of them at school anyway. don't get me wrong, i love them so much. but i do miss them. i see them occasionally on weekends, but not always. i wish i had something to get wrapped up in too.
i think that more than anything, i want that security back. the security of knowing i always having someone. always having someone to eat lunch with or hang out on the weekends. but the truth is, i don't. i know it sounds lame but there are a lot of days where i think i should just skip lunch and go somewhere by myself because if i'm not there it doesn't matter. and maybe that's better than making other people feel like they have to eat lunch with me. i always feel like i'm using people when i sit with them. maybe i should just eat by myself some days. it's just..you know those people who will always have that security? because everyone likes them, everyone wants to be friends with them. they'll always be blessed with the security that i wish i had.
my sister and i talked last night, about high school. she promised me college wouldn't be like this at all. she told me that i can't keep thinking this is all there is. that this is all there will be. because in high school there's so much drama. honestly. when you can't talk to a boy because another girl thinks you're trying to steal him from her..that's just..pointless. there's no point. and it makes me so upset because girls end up hating each other over stupid shit like this. when, in a year, it's not even gonna matter. this is why i hate high school. and yet..i don't want to leave.
i made you a mix CD & everything about it is perfect. the songs are in the perfect order & every song has it's own meaning. i even titled it, and made a front & back for the case, but i don't know if i can give it to you. i feel like maybe i shouldn't. like i'm not allowed to. but god how i want to. i guess i'm scared that you won't appreciate it.
happy easter, by the way. <3
ps. new background much thanks to kimberlyy<3 she's wonderful.