i'm slowly getting taller here in wonderland.
names are being used in this. so i hope you don't mind.
why am i like this? like how i am.
i hate the way my mind tricks me into thinking everything is wrong, how it makes me believe i was actually in love with him, how my mind tells me i still do love him. when, you know, i can't. it's not fair to me, if you understand where i'm coming from. i like to think about the way things would be if nothing ever changed. if andy had never "cheated" i guess you could say, & we were still.."together" like last year. i think about what it would be like now. what we would be like now. everything would be different. i would see him & rather than turn away or ignore him, i would embrace him & ask, "how are you?" like we always did. and we might still have the tradition of ending each conversation with, "i hate to end this prematurely, but i have to go. but i love you very much; goodnight; & sweet dreams." but that's over & i realize that now, and i think it ended for the better. i'm not angry at him, i'm not sad about it, anymore. but sometimes when i see him, i still wonder..
& what about if i was a better friend, and me & santi were still best friends like we used to be. used to be. what a concept. what if he never got a girlfriend? what if we still ate lunch together everyday up in the courtyard sitting on the benches taking pictures & laughing or even just sitting in comfortable silence. & i know that things probably won't go back to the way they were, which is unfortunate but everything happens for a reason? & i guess if things are meant to be like how they were than that's how it will turn out. i guess i just liked to think of it as a test of our friendship. a test which we failed. it was both of us. not just one or the other. even if we said the words & promised each other we would not let this break us, well, we did. we let it. and as i realized, promises are JUST words, until you act on them. & we didn't act on them.
i spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.
you know when you see two people together, holding each other, and you can't help but stare & think, i want someone to hold me like that. even if you don't know either of them. you just see them holding each other & see how happy they are & think of how nice it'd be to have someone like that. someone to just hold.
i guess it sounds dumb but i'm just feeling low & i want that.
if you have that, keep holding on. you're lucky. just know that. promise me you'll hold on to that & don't take it for granted.
<3
ps. i feel like making a perfect mix tape. in just the right order with just the right songs to tell some kind of story. i'm working on it. i hope it will be wonderful.
why am i like this? like how i am.
i hate the way my mind tricks me into thinking everything is wrong, how it makes me believe i was actually in love with him, how my mind tells me i still do love him. when, you know, i can't. it's not fair to me, if you understand where i'm coming from. i like to think about the way things would be if nothing ever changed. if andy had never "cheated" i guess you could say, & we were still.."together" like last year. i think about what it would be like now. what we would be like now. everything would be different. i would see him & rather than turn away or ignore him, i would embrace him & ask, "how are you?" like we always did. and we might still have the tradition of ending each conversation with, "i hate to end this prematurely, but i have to go. but i love you very much; goodnight; & sweet dreams." but that's over & i realize that now, and i think it ended for the better. i'm not angry at him, i'm not sad about it, anymore. but sometimes when i see him, i still wonder..
& what about if i was a better friend, and me & santi were still best friends like we used to be. used to be. what a concept. what if he never got a girlfriend? what if we still ate lunch together everyday up in the courtyard sitting on the benches taking pictures & laughing or even just sitting in comfortable silence. & i know that things probably won't go back to the way they were, which is unfortunate but everything happens for a reason? & i guess if things are meant to be like how they were than that's how it will turn out. i guess i just liked to think of it as a test of our friendship. a test which we failed. it was both of us. not just one or the other. even if we said the words & promised each other we would not let this break us, well, we did. we let it. and as i realized, promises are JUST words, until you act on them. & we didn't act on them.
i spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.
you know when you see two people together, holding each other, and you can't help but stare & think, i want someone to hold me like that. even if you don't know either of them. you just see them holding each other & see how happy they are & think of how nice it'd be to have someone like that. someone to just hold.
i guess it sounds dumb but i'm just feeling low & i want that.
if you have that, keep holding on. you're lucky. just know that. promise me you'll hold on to that & don't take it for granted.
<3
ps. i feel like making a perfect mix tape. in just the right order with just the right songs to tell some kind of story. i'm working on it. i hope it will be wonderful.