bet you won't read the whole thing
i am just tired, tired of feeling lonely, tired of missing LQ and everyone so hard, tired of being so jealous, tired of being so left behind. jealousy is for babies and i'm sick of it. i want to quit feeling, or just be content, i've always got a worry, i can never get out of myself, because there's nowhere to go. nobody to go to. i'm so fucking alone and so fucking sick of it. i know exactly what i want i know how i wish things were. i feel imprisoned by this cast. i don't believe in anything, but if anything existed, like god or karma, maybe i broke my leg to make me appreciate. cause i thought everything was so bad before, but now i know; and once i get this off i just KNOW so much is gonna be better. because i can't feel good about myself or anything in this thing, i can't go anywhere. i wish there was like another of me, and then i could be my own best friend. which i know that probably sounds absurd, but i'd be good company to myself. i know i'd be exactly what i want. i mean, if there was something i didn't like about my personality, i would change it. i just know, when i'm with friends and people i'm pretty appeasing. i do whatever for them, to have an enjoyable time. i'm not like difficult or anything. which i guess, one thing about me is, i'm pretty neutral. as far as my feelings go, there's not anything about myself i can't control. i guess, i can always think and evaluate and decide what i do. it's not like i have problems with out of control anger or extreme shyness or whatever. i am however i want to do. if you know what i'm saying. i can be objective. i feel pretty annoyed because i don't know what i'm going to do with my life and i don't know where everything is going and how it is going to end up. i'm planning on being a garbage collector, and i honestly can't think of any other plausible profession for me. i mean, i don't have any discernible artistic talents, i don't play an instrument, i am not an actress, and as far as other usual career fields, like doctor or vet or grocery store worker or accountant or migrant farm worker or secretary, none of those appeal to me at all. not to mention i'm not smart enough, motivated enough, and too lazy to do something like doctor or lawyer or whatever. i remember when i was little, i went through phases of what i wanted to be. it was ballerina for a little while, teacher for a really long time, and at one point a lawyer. but now there's nothing i want. which is a pretty big hindrance, cause it seems like everybody's gotta have some idea. and my academic performance isn't leaving too many doors open, if you know what i mean. i know i know, i'm only 14 i don't have to have my life picked out, but i Know, i have no passion or inclination for anything, and i don't see how that'll change throughout a few years. i'm fully human, and i know. Also, i don't, i can't see myself being in any career, even garbage collector, as an old person, an aging person. i know, usually everybody's like, OMG! I'm Never Gonna Be Old! but seriously, i can't imagine my life past 26. it just doesn't work, doesn't fit. and i certainly can't see myself as like married with a job or whatever. i don't know, it all just doesn't fit. not for me. maybe i'm not explaining myself too well, but i just have these shadowy ideas of feelings in me, i just Feel it. well, yea, that's just some stuff from me right now. i think it actually helped to get it out, i feel ok now. ok bye. LOLZ.