Tragic Flaw
I’ve always liked the classic form for a tragedy - everything that goes wrong in the life of the protagonist is the result of a Tragic Flaw. Characters are born marked with this Flaw and destined to live toiling under its constraints and watching their lives fall to pieces around them. It’s not the character’s fault. It’s Fate. I would like to think that this plays out in my life. I’m on this downward spiral, and it’s out of my control because, hey, I’m not responsible for the fact that I’m tragically flawed.
To my own dismay, I have no Tragic Flaw. I can't even pretend that I do, and that’s just all there is to it. I am not on this downward spiral because whoever's in charge of these things woke up one morning and decided to fuck with me. I’m paving the road to my own destruction. That’s the worst part -- ultimately, I am responsible for my life. If it were out of my control, I could be a victim of Fate. But since the fault is mine and mine alone, I’m just an idiot.
As many times as I dig myself out of this place, as many times as I get a fresh start, I always return to this unavoidable state of being -- without motivation, without dreams, without hope. If it's not a Tragic Flaw that brings me here, then what is is about myself that leads me to bring calamity into my life?
If I could answer that, I would at least be able to find a solution to this problem that repeatedly plagues me. I wouldn't be writing this; I would be off making myself into a busy model of productivity.
My life is so surreal lately. My dad is in jail not only for possession of methamphetamine, but also for transporting about 400lbs of marijuana. I feel so evil and vindictive because, bizarrely, I want this to solve our problems. If he can just sit in jail and rot for awhile, that would be alright with me. I feel like he deserves it for causing the rest of us so much trouble and heartache. Mom is finally putting Triton down today. That means I won't have any more dogs to go home to. Apparently, Triton's eye imploded, and Mom decided that was all they could take. Poor thing. I don't talk to Mom and Danielle enough because I can't seem to make the time in all of the nothingness that I do. I should spend more time with Sabs and Steph and everyone else. I'm not-dating Adrienne, and that's just a mess in and of itself. Lesbian drama at its utmost peak. And even though I know that, I'm still ready to throw more of myself into this than is probably wise. I'm really falling for her.
This journal entry is making me tired. Everything makes me tired lately. Working, relaxing. Socializing and being alone. Feeling full, hunger. Being awake... Hell, even sleeping makes me tired. Even so, I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and never get up. The urge to sleep, the physiological inability to wake up is so debilitating. Sometimes, I'm even too tired for sex...
That's when you know that it's really bad.
To my own dismay, I have no Tragic Flaw. I can't even pretend that I do, and that’s just all there is to it. I am not on this downward spiral because whoever's in charge of these things woke up one morning and decided to fuck with me. I’m paving the road to my own destruction. That’s the worst part -- ultimately, I am responsible for my life. If it were out of my control, I could be a victim of Fate. But since the fault is mine and mine alone, I’m just an idiot.
As many times as I dig myself out of this place, as many times as I get a fresh start, I always return to this unavoidable state of being -- without motivation, without dreams, without hope. If it's not a Tragic Flaw that brings me here, then what is is about myself that leads me to bring calamity into my life?
If I could answer that, I would at least be able to find a solution to this problem that repeatedly plagues me. I wouldn't be writing this; I would be off making myself into a busy model of productivity.
My life is so surreal lately. My dad is in jail not only for possession of methamphetamine, but also for transporting about 400lbs of marijuana. I feel so evil and vindictive because, bizarrely, I want this to solve our problems. If he can just sit in jail and rot for awhile, that would be alright with me. I feel like he deserves it for causing the rest of us so much trouble and heartache. Mom is finally putting Triton down today. That means I won't have any more dogs to go home to. Apparently, Triton's eye imploded, and Mom decided that was all they could take. Poor thing. I don't talk to Mom and Danielle enough because I can't seem to make the time in all of the nothingness that I do. I should spend more time with Sabs and Steph and everyone else. I'm not-dating Adrienne, and that's just a mess in and of itself. Lesbian drama at its utmost peak. And even though I know that, I'm still ready to throw more of myself into this than is probably wise. I'm really falling for her.
This journal entry is making me tired. Everything makes me tired lately. Working, relaxing. Socializing and being alone. Feeling full, hunger. Being awake... Hell, even sleeping makes me tired. Even so, I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and never get up. The urge to sleep, the physiological inability to wake up is so debilitating. Sometimes, I'm even too tired for sex...
That's when you know that it's really bad.