T Minus two days.
I leave so much room in my mind for doubt. Optimism dies a little every time I open my eyes. Weekends to escape reality. Reality falling in every sunday. Wake up and realize that life is shit. Independence is something I crave more than anything. A chance for escape. To run when things go bad. Something I never had before. Never had that luxury. On every end of the road someone has something to say. I slip up. Make a mistake. Stood up to every one of them. Isn't there honor in that? Dignity? Head held high? I live for my loved ones. Saying I'd die for them... means nothing. Anyone can say that. Saying that they mean the world to me.. means nothing. Saying that I couldn't live without them. Though it is all true and something I hold to the most importance. Something that words couldn't explain. People can't understand. No one could because they aren't in my mind. They don't breath the same air. Think the same thoughts. Feel the same as me.
One word out of my mouth. Pleases one person. Upsets an other. Pisses off another. Every fucking decision I make.
I'm sorry if I appear self-centered to you. I'm sorry if I make you feel like I don't think about you. I don't pay attention to you. I don't care for you. It sucks you can't notice that I do. It sucks how blind you are. The reason I may seem so self-centered.. It may be due to the fact that if I don't mention myself, if I don't talk about myself, think about myself. Who the hell will.
One moment, I'm with everyone laughing, joking, smiling. Turn around. No one's there.
I'm sick of making everyone happy. I'm sick of giving my all as best I can. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired.
Is it wrong to feel this way? How the hell could it be? I'm human. I have needs. I make mistakes. I try to fix them.
Let me define friendship for everyone in this fucking place. It's give and take. It's love. It's understanding. It's compassionate and sympathetic. It's help. It's having someone's back. It's giving advice. It's trust. It's honesty. It's forgiveness. It's hope. It's faith. It's your life. It's.. so much I couldn't explain. I feel weak and vulnerable when I'm not with my friends. I feel dead. I fear to hurt someone. To make someone cry. To be the cause of pain.
Growing up how I did. I took my friendships so close to heart. I'm not as strong as I like to show. I am an emotional wreck. I am easy to upset. I am easy to cry. I am a hypocrite. I know it. I try to change and fail. I like to hear myself talk. Talking down about others makes me feel powerful. Does it make me like myself? Of course it doesnt. I feel so complex. I can't define or explain anything. I can't fully relenquish my feelings. I am a teenager.
I'm sick of coming home. Sitting on the couch. Watching my daily dramas. Typing out my frustrations and confusions. Wanting something to numb my thoughts. Feeling alone.
Even at this point... When I feel so drained. When I feel so used and walked over. Ignored. Unappreciated. I wouldn't ever tell them to their face. I would bite my lip. I would swallow it, let it build up. Explode via keyboard. Sleep. Wake up. Regret feeling that way.and continue on from there.
I loathe confrontation. God... I'm such a fucking pussy. I need to go to bed.
p.s. Do they make a medication for this?
...I hope it's over the counter.
One word out of my mouth. Pleases one person. Upsets an other. Pisses off another. Every fucking decision I make.
I'm sorry if I appear self-centered to you. I'm sorry if I make you feel like I don't think about you. I don't pay attention to you. I don't care for you. It sucks you can't notice that I do. It sucks how blind you are. The reason I may seem so self-centered.. It may be due to the fact that if I don't mention myself, if I don't talk about myself, think about myself. Who the hell will.
One moment, I'm with everyone laughing, joking, smiling. Turn around. No one's there.
I'm sick of making everyone happy. I'm sick of giving my all as best I can. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired.
Is it wrong to feel this way? How the hell could it be? I'm human. I have needs. I make mistakes. I try to fix them.
Let me define friendship for everyone in this fucking place. It's give and take. It's love. It's understanding. It's compassionate and sympathetic. It's help. It's having someone's back. It's giving advice. It's trust. It's honesty. It's forgiveness. It's hope. It's faith. It's your life. It's.. so much I couldn't explain. I feel weak and vulnerable when I'm not with my friends. I feel dead. I fear to hurt someone. To make someone cry. To be the cause of pain.
Growing up how I did. I took my friendships so close to heart. I'm not as strong as I like to show. I am an emotional wreck. I am easy to upset. I am easy to cry. I am a hypocrite. I know it. I try to change and fail. I like to hear myself talk. Talking down about others makes me feel powerful. Does it make me like myself? Of course it doesnt. I feel so complex. I can't define or explain anything. I can't fully relenquish my feelings. I am a teenager.
I'm sick of coming home. Sitting on the couch. Watching my daily dramas. Typing out my frustrations and confusions. Wanting something to numb my thoughts. Feeling alone.
Even at this point... When I feel so drained. When I feel so used and walked over. Ignored. Unappreciated. I wouldn't ever tell them to their face. I would bite my lip. I would swallow it, let it build up. Explode via keyboard. Sleep. Wake up. Regret feeling that way.and continue on from there.
I loathe confrontation. God... I'm such a fucking pussy. I need to go to bed.
p.s. Do they make a medication for this?
...I hope it's over the counter.