(no subject)
I've been contemplating life, as usual. Everyday, different thoughts. Some days I've been concentrating on past emotions, the way those now lost people once felt when they were in reach, the way time unravels happy hearts and binds the saddened.
Coffee doesn't feel like it used to.
Winter doesn't feel like it used to.
YOU don't feel like you used to.
But why mention names? I couldn't explain any of this to you anyways. You know me as much as you know the genealogy of Hitler. I'd rather not waste my breath. But at times I feel I'd like to. At times I wish I could scrape together some sort of meaning to interpret to you. At times I wish for just that, meaning. If only I meant to you what I once did. But who knows? I don't at all. I would tell you to make up your mind. But I can't make up my own and I might as well stop myself from falling into hypocrisy more than I already do on a daily basis.
The past keeps chipping away at my smile. I've found myself crying to God more than laughing, and lately It seems that no one knows that I cry and no one knows that I laugh. The simple truth is that no one knows the half of me here, and I don't know the half of this place. My sarcasm is easily misunderstood and I think I've stopped caring a long time ago. But in truth, nothing has binded my soul. God breaks all of the chains that mindless people link. Something inside of me wants to like them, and something inside of me wants them to know that I don't. I'm not sure if it is dislike or misunderstanding why they are what they are, or perhaps it is simply my own insecurity that blinds me from seeing the heart in almost anyone anymore.
However, I'm tired of being stagnant. Of not moving, of not feeling what I want to feel from people. I feel God and he satisfies me when I call on him. But however much I give everything to God, it still hits me in the face at times when people are unappreciative, when people draw conclusions about this person that they think they've got under their thumb. I'm under no one's thumb but God's. I need appreciation from no one but him, but my burden of a big heart gets me into tons of trouble when someone who proclaims to be compassionate so much as utters a thank you nearly never.
I have plans for the future. But I'm having trouble sticking to my plans for the Now. God is mending my scorched circle but honestly tackling daily tasks have become harder than ever. My heart seems to be hanging on my sleeve lately. I have it in me to just let it be known to those that I love that I do in fact love them, but with the lack of compassion in this world every time I attempt to feel something from anyone they get the wrong impression. I just want to love people and everyone is too quick to reject it as if it is strange to see someone who wants to love and be loved. And I am loved. And I am unsatisfied and stubborn at times. And lately my heart needs a friend, it misses companionship. God's spirit feeds me, but it seems that in this world I just want someone close to me, who isn't afraid to love and be loved.
There has to be someone who isn't afraid.
I want to leave.
I want to see the world and just breathe.
My future involves and old friend, starting up the Candy Cafe in Los Angeles, residing in San Fransisco with Sariah in her big old house, promoting Shane's band and the Harmony rain boys, walking under street lamps with plans with life literally erupting from my pores, selling organic coffee and writing with my newly adopted piece of culture after spending months in France reuniting the "Homeslice and Pizza" legacy. And stopping by to reunite the "Rascal" or the " Feminine Five", Stopping in Mansfield Ohio to remind two grown boys that someone still loves them from a long time ago, taking a trip to Seymour to let a piece of my heart know that it's still a piece of my heart, stopping in Madison during winter to simply smell the sidewalks and have a cup of joe at Hinkles with the Scottsburg crew, hit up a show with Escaping Memory and dance like I used to with Stephen screaming and Kassi kicking, pick up Darth Tater and renew my joint custody from my old fling, take a trip to Columbus spend a couple days with someone who used to be the best at sharing milkshakes and joining me with batman figurines on the floor, spooning on a futon and laughing at 3 in the morning when someone cut the cheese. Maybe I'll stop by Louisville and see the slugger, where I once spent an amazing evening eating frozen lemonade and talking about all of the funny things in life, perhaps I'll stop by Georgia to thank a family for keeping me safe when something inside of me decided to hitch hike across 3 states. I'll go across seas and show someone that God loves them more than baseball fans love peanuts and more than I love clouds and scripture tea. Maybe I'll stop by vevay and see how static contact is doing, give someone a big hug for keeping Aphrodite around when we needed a ride to a show or for parking by the fountain at 1 in the morning just to smell the cold in the air. Maybe I'll go to bloomington and finish my thoughts on folk punk. I'll take God with me on every journey and show everyone that I used to know what they've never felt before. I'm not worried about having a husband just yet and falling in love has been said and done. I think for once I'll love myself and my soul and some day I wont seem so complicated.
Though I must admit, I'm a strange girl.
But aren't we all strange in our minds? I choose to wear it like a banner. Cat Stevens gives me hope for breathing and God simply is my breath.
I have aspirations.
I have procrastination tugging at my sleeves.
I have an inner drive that you've never seen before.
I need someone to trust me, because I don't trust myself.
All of these things keep waiting and withering away.
Yoga Yoga Yoga....
writing...
cough....exercise!
Hmm breathing.
Sleep.
wisdom..
ouch.
But you know what?
No worries.
I'm under HIS thumb.
:]
Coffee doesn't feel like it used to.
Winter doesn't feel like it used to.
YOU don't feel like you used to.
But why mention names? I couldn't explain any of this to you anyways. You know me as much as you know the genealogy of Hitler. I'd rather not waste my breath. But at times I feel I'd like to. At times I wish I could scrape together some sort of meaning to interpret to you. At times I wish for just that, meaning. If only I meant to you what I once did. But who knows? I don't at all. I would tell you to make up your mind. But I can't make up my own and I might as well stop myself from falling into hypocrisy more than I already do on a daily basis.
The past keeps chipping away at my smile. I've found myself crying to God more than laughing, and lately It seems that no one knows that I cry and no one knows that I laugh. The simple truth is that no one knows the half of me here, and I don't know the half of this place. My sarcasm is easily misunderstood and I think I've stopped caring a long time ago. But in truth, nothing has binded my soul. God breaks all of the chains that mindless people link. Something inside of me wants to like them, and something inside of me wants them to know that I don't. I'm not sure if it is dislike or misunderstanding why they are what they are, or perhaps it is simply my own insecurity that blinds me from seeing the heart in almost anyone anymore.
However, I'm tired of being stagnant. Of not moving, of not feeling what I want to feel from people. I feel God and he satisfies me when I call on him. But however much I give everything to God, it still hits me in the face at times when people are unappreciative, when people draw conclusions about this person that they think they've got under their thumb. I'm under no one's thumb but God's. I need appreciation from no one but him, but my burden of a big heart gets me into tons of trouble when someone who proclaims to be compassionate so much as utters a thank you nearly never.
I have plans for the future. But I'm having trouble sticking to my plans for the Now. God is mending my scorched circle but honestly tackling daily tasks have become harder than ever. My heart seems to be hanging on my sleeve lately. I have it in me to just let it be known to those that I love that I do in fact love them, but with the lack of compassion in this world every time I attempt to feel something from anyone they get the wrong impression. I just want to love people and everyone is too quick to reject it as if it is strange to see someone who wants to love and be loved. And I am loved. And I am unsatisfied and stubborn at times. And lately my heart needs a friend, it misses companionship. God's spirit feeds me, but it seems that in this world I just want someone close to me, who isn't afraid to love and be loved.
There has to be someone who isn't afraid.
I want to leave.
I want to see the world and just breathe.
My future involves and old friend, starting up the Candy Cafe in Los Angeles, residing in San Fransisco with Sariah in her big old house, promoting Shane's band and the Harmony rain boys, walking under street lamps with plans with life literally erupting from my pores, selling organic coffee and writing with my newly adopted piece of culture after spending months in France reuniting the "Homeslice and Pizza" legacy. And stopping by to reunite the "Rascal" or the " Feminine Five", Stopping in Mansfield Ohio to remind two grown boys that someone still loves them from a long time ago, taking a trip to Seymour to let a piece of my heart know that it's still a piece of my heart, stopping in Madison during winter to simply smell the sidewalks and have a cup of joe at Hinkles with the Scottsburg crew, hit up a show with Escaping Memory and dance like I used to with Stephen screaming and Kassi kicking, pick up Darth Tater and renew my joint custody from my old fling, take a trip to Columbus spend a couple days with someone who used to be the best at sharing milkshakes and joining me with batman figurines on the floor, spooning on a futon and laughing at 3 in the morning when someone cut the cheese. Maybe I'll stop by Louisville and see the slugger, where I once spent an amazing evening eating frozen lemonade and talking about all of the funny things in life, perhaps I'll stop by Georgia to thank a family for keeping me safe when something inside of me decided to hitch hike across 3 states. I'll go across seas and show someone that God loves them more than baseball fans love peanuts and more than I love clouds and scripture tea. Maybe I'll stop by vevay and see how static contact is doing, give someone a big hug for keeping Aphrodite around when we needed a ride to a show or for parking by the fountain at 1 in the morning just to smell the cold in the air. Maybe I'll go to bloomington and finish my thoughts on folk punk. I'll take God with me on every journey and show everyone that I used to know what they've never felt before. I'm not worried about having a husband just yet and falling in love has been said and done. I think for once I'll love myself and my soul and some day I wont seem so complicated.
Though I must admit, I'm a strange girl.
But aren't we all strange in our minds? I choose to wear it like a banner. Cat Stevens gives me hope for breathing and God simply is my breath.
I have aspirations.
I have procrastination tugging at my sleeves.
I have an inner drive that you've never seen before.
I need someone to trust me, because I don't trust myself.
All of these things keep waiting and withering away.
Yoga Yoga Yoga....
writing...
cough....exercise!
Hmm breathing.
Sleep.
wisdom..
ouch.
But you know what?
No worries.
I'm under HIS thumb.
:]