Out of Body, Out of Mind

[hisekigan]

Day: 5
Characters: Hisoka soukahisoka, Service hisekigan
Summary: The crackdown begins with a bang, and a psychedelic trip through Hisoka's mind. IS IT CAN BE HUG TIEMZ NAO?
Status: Closed // Incomplete

Comments

[soukahisoka]

"None of you were ever nurses," Hisoka protested, looking up at Service. He would have said more, but the petting briefly robbed him of the ability to speak -- it felt divine, and he dropped his head and leaned into it yearningly. He nearly mewled when Service stopped, but he took a deep breath, and began obediently to speak.

"I remember that when I came, when I first came, there was a ball. I was so mad, because I didn't understand -- why would they waste time thinking about that? About clothing and balls? When we were trapped and didn't know how or by whom. They wouldn't let us speak our languages. Only English. That really made me mad... I spent a lot of time being mad, because I didn't want to be scared. It's so tiring, being scared all the time. I don't know how I do it, except by being mad instead."

He met Service's one bright eye again, almost hopefully, but no further divine touch came, so Hisoka continued, his voice soft. For once, it wasn't flat, either, rising and falling in the normal emotional tones, arresting to Hisoka's own ear. As much to let the sound of his own voice wash over his ears as because Service had asked, he kept talking.

"And Muraki..." Not even the MDMA could keep the rage and fear and pain out of Hisoka's voice when he said that name. "He was there at the beginning. He took away the empathy, and then he gave it back and then he disappeared. Every day I had to feel everyone else's emotions -- and no one was happy, you know, we were all so scared all the time, and... but I dealt with it, I always deal with it. I tried speaking in Japanese, and that felt good, until Kojiro came and forced me to get drunk. I can't drink. I passed out later."

He remembered how embarrassing that had been, though he didn't feel embarrassed at all, revealing it to Service. Lots of people couldn't drink. Some even chose not to.

"Then Rin and Matt and I, we all tried to keep a death list going. Rin, she wanted it for some silly reason, to pray for them and remember them or something, but I didn't see the point of that. I understand it a little better now, I think. Matt and I were just trying to investigate. I told him to handle the living, and I'd look into the dead, since that was always my work."

Hisoka shook his head, leaning forward, his eyes on Service. The fingers of one hand brushed the raw knuckles of the other lightly. "We wrote out copies and gave them to everyone, and then we all got called for therapy, but I got the worst of it. Because she took my mind, and then I couldn't keep anything in it anymore. All the names fell out, everything I tried to do, I couldn't keep up. I tried, though, I didn't stop. I couldn't ever stop. Then Tsuzuki came, and I don't pray but I'd prayed he wouldn't come. I think I'd only managed to survive so long because I figured, hey, if I was here, he must be safe somewhere else, even if the last thing I remember he was still trying to die then, too."

Hisoka noticed that he'd started tearing up, Service blurring in his vision, and he wiped the wetness off his face. "And Tsuzuki did his best even at Edelweiss, but it was horrible for him, and he fucking killed himself, and he left me behind, and then we woke up here, and we have to start all over again, and I'm so tired, Service, but I can't leave Rin alone the way Tsuzuki left me."