i want to be everything i'm not
my life is just so hard for me to understand. I'm such an over-analyzer. I have to have a reason for everything. I think so much sometimes that I just about make myself sick. And I know there's nothing I can do to keep myself from thinking about it.
Two of my sorority sisters lost their dad just a few days ago. He was diagnosed with cancer in early October and went downhill fast. No one was expecting him to pass away so quickly. I went to the visitiation with some of my other sorority sisters and it was so incredibly hard to do. I had to hold back the tears before I broke down. I couldn't imagine losing my dad at such a young age. I almost always take my parents for granted. I say "i love you" and mean it, but I know I should mean it with everything I have. You never know when something is going to happen, and I think it takes something sad for people to realize it. I wish it wasn't that way, but I think it is for most people.
I've realized that at certain points in my life I know who I am, what I want, and what I need. But then, I start looking at myself the next day, and am so completely confused. There's so much I want to do and see, that I don't know where to begin. I sat in the living room today doing some homework and realized I have really NO idea what I want to do with my life. I want an easy job, but with everything God's given me, I could be an engineer if I really wanted to. I'm smart, I could do it. I just lack motivation to go out there and find what I need. And then sometimes I'm too over-motivated. I am constantly doing new things to try and find where I need to belong.
Mostly, I'm so scared. I don't know what I'm scared of really. I guess scared to not fit in, scared to be in trouble, scared of a lot of things. I need someone to help me not be me, to push myself to the limits and take risks. I need someone to help me realize I'm living my life for me...not for my parents.
It's complicated.
Two of my sorority sisters lost their dad just a few days ago. He was diagnosed with cancer in early October and went downhill fast. No one was expecting him to pass away so quickly. I went to the visitiation with some of my other sorority sisters and it was so incredibly hard to do. I had to hold back the tears before I broke down. I couldn't imagine losing my dad at such a young age. I almost always take my parents for granted. I say "i love you" and mean it, but I know I should mean it with everything I have. You never know when something is going to happen, and I think it takes something sad for people to realize it. I wish it wasn't that way, but I think it is for most people.
I've realized that at certain points in my life I know who I am, what I want, and what I need. But then, I start looking at myself the next day, and am so completely confused. There's so much I want to do and see, that I don't know where to begin. I sat in the living room today doing some homework and realized I have really NO idea what I want to do with my life. I want an easy job, but with everything God's given me, I could be an engineer if I really wanted to. I'm smart, I could do it. I just lack motivation to go out there and find what I need. And then sometimes I'm too over-motivated. I am constantly doing new things to try and find where I need to belong.
Mostly, I'm so scared. I don't know what I'm scared of really. I guess scared to not fit in, scared to be in trouble, scared of a lot of things. I need someone to help me not be me, to push myself to the limits and take risks. I need someone to help me realize I'm living my life for me...not for my parents.
It's complicated.