Battle Nerves
Title: Battle Nerves
Words: 3581
Pairing/Rating/Warnings: Lily/James, implied Sirius/Remus, NC-17, sex in public places, non-fluffy L/J
Summary: The Marauders and Lily, after a mission, grating on each others' nerves.
Disclaimer: If you recognise it from the books, it belongs to JKR.
Only Peter was talking.
The room had started to seem hazy a few pints ago. The smoke from the cigarette in Sirius’ hand plumed up, a blurring screen between the five of them and the rest of the pub. He hadn’t drawn on it since Peter bought the last round.
Remus’ hand was on Sirius’ shoulder, and had been for too long. James stared at that, at the tight curve of long fingers against leather, and was torn between gratitude, that it saved him from looking at anyone’s faces, and resentment of what it implied. Sirius had been dodging his questions, lately, and Remus had a way of looking at him, bland and watchful, which meant the questions stuck in his throat. They were his friends, and he didn’t care if he was right: he didn’t care what they did to or with each other.
But they were his friends, and they shouldn’t lie to him.
“…and then I said to him, I said, fuck off, Nott, you wanker - I know your game, feller-me-lad, so don’t try it on, I said…”
Peter trailed off, looking between them, his round face puffy. There were shadows under his eyes.
Sirius moved suddenly, stubbing his fag out against the table, and shoving to his feet. “Another round?”
Remus’ hand fell to the back to the chair. He left it there, and said, “Same again, ta.”
“Evans?”
James could recognise the challenge in that. Lily looked up, her lips tight and her eyes cool. Then she shrugged, one-shouldered, and said, “Whatever you’re having, Black.”
“Playing with the big boys, Evans?”
“It’s not a game,” she snapped. “None of it’s a game!”
Sirius leant forward, grabbing the edge of the table. “Is that what your problem is, Evans?”
She shot to her feet, leaning forward to meet his gaze full on. “It’s not my problem, Black.”
“Lily,” James said, and was annoyed that it came out weak.
She shot him a scornful glance.
“You got enough Muggle cash for the round?” Remus asked.
Sirius snarled at him, and swung away. James watched him go; saw the way he forced his way to the bar, shoving heedless huddles of Muggles out of his way, the set of his shoulders inviting a fight.
“So,” Peter said. “I was saying, yeah, about Rosier.”
“I thought it was Nott,” Lily said, and helped herself to one of Sirius’ cigarettes.
Remus was still staring after Sirius, but he stirred at that. “When did you start smoking?”
“Things change,” Lily said, turning it between her fingers. “Damn. Too many ordinary folk. Anyone got a light?”
James opened his mouth to speak, but Remus was already producing a Muggle lighter. It had a naked woman on it, her back arched, and black hair falling around her breasts, emphasising them.
“Classy,” Lily said, leaning forward.
“Sirius stole it. Said she looked like a relative.”
Peter laughed, wheezily, and Remus flicked the lighter. The flame lit his face, and Lily’s, making her hair seem to flare, and Remus’ eyes seem suddenly dark. With the planes of their faces illuminated, they looked almost akin, focused and intent.
Then Lily sat back, and Remus turned to look across the crowded pub. Music was playing, but the thrum of conversation masked everything but the beat.
“He needs to grow up,” Lily said viciously.
“Does he?” Remus said, not turning back towards her.
“He’s not the only one.”
What was wrong with her tonight? Fine, they’d fucked the mission up, but he hadn’t done anything to her. Just saved her life. Some women would be grateful.
“Funny, that,” Peter said brightly into the silence. “You talking about growing up. I was talking to Dumbledore the other day, y’know, and he said much the same thing. Things change, eh? Nothing remains the same. Seems like yesterday, doesn’t it, that we were all just-”
“Shut the fuck up, Wormtail,” James said.
Peter retreated behind his pint, saying sulkily, “Just trying to keep the conversation going.”
“Don’t,” James said, and looked at Lily. She was ignoring him, staring through the smoke. Her brows were set, and her hair fell around her face, loose and glorious. He could see the fine, feathery strands of hair behind her ear and the line of her neck. From where he sat, he could look down the cowl neck of her jumper where it hung open, and see the bare curve of her breasts below. She was wearing a white bra, edged with lace.
Suddenly, viciously, he wanted to be alone with her, to set his teeth to that lace, and bury his face in that bright hair, and fuck her until they were both too exhausted to be angry.
Remus stood up. “I’m going to help Padfoot with the drinks. Mood he’s in, he’ll levitate them over, and then we’ll be in trouble.”
“Good old Moony,” Peter said nastily. “Constant vigilance.”
James ignored him, trying to fight down the pounding of his blood.
Lily put both elbows on the table, cupping her face in her free hand. Her nail varnish was chipped, her nails pale at their bases. Her sleeves slipped back, and he could see the shiny mark of the burn around her lower arm, still not fully healed. That had been Godalming, five weeks ago, when one of them had got past Sirius long enough to hide, and set fire on their backs.
They had all recognised the man behind that mask, and not one of them had breathed his name to Dumbledore.
“You nicking my fags, Evans?”
She didn’t look up. “They part of the great rebellion, or are you just cheap?”
“You saying I buy cheap fags, Evans?”
She looked up at that, lips curling. “Yeah.”
Sirius grinned back, teeth showing, and James thought it might be over for the evening. “Buy your own, then. Got a light, Moony?”
Remus had always been confident, in an unobtrusive way. There was more than confidence in his movements now, as Sirius leant forward. They held each other’s gaze a little too long, and James thought, Do you really think no one will notice? The truth will out.
They sank back into silence. Sirius let his cigarette hang between his fingers again, staring at the beams on the ceiling. Peter nursed his pint. Lily smoked, pulling the fag away from her lips in jerks. Remus’ hand was on the back of Sirius’ chair again.
James watched them all. They’d seen death tonight. They’d all almost died, and they hadn’t been fast enough to do more than stay alive.
And here they were, in some Muggle pub, in some undistinguished Muggle town, waiting for the order to go home. He didn’t want to wait much longer. He wanted to go home, and sleep, in the hope that nightmares would wash the immediacy away. He wanted her with him, too, though she would go back to her parents. He wanted her with him, where she might not be safe, but at least would be beside him, if trouble came.
“At least,” Peter said.
“What?” Sirius snapped.
“At least we’re all safe,” Peter said, biting his lip.
“Peter Pettigrew,” Sirius said, “Master of the fucking obvious. We’re all safe. Well, isn’t that nice? We’re all safe, and those fuckers got away, and some Muggle kid is dead.”
“Her name,” Lily said, “was Maxine Campbell. Not some Muggle kid.”
“You implying something, Evans?”
“Not what you think.”
“What are you saying, then?”
Remus rolled his eyes, and took his hand back. For a moment Sirius glanced at him, but then he swung back towards Lily. “Well?”
“It’s not a game,” she said, and James realised that she’d been matching Sirius drink for drink all night. “It’s real.”
Peter was chewing the rim of his glass. Remus was staring at the back of his own hands. James wanted to grab them all, all four of them, and shake them until they snapped.
“Real,” Sirius scoffed.
She drew a breath, eyes bright with fury.
“Lily,” James said, reaching for her hand. “Calm down.”
She pulled away. “You’re as bad. You all are.”
“Think you know everything, don’t you?” Sirius said, leaning forward. “Think you can make us all grow up by your sterling example. I grew up before you even met me, Evans.”
“Then show it.” She was only inches away from Sirius, her knuckles white where she gripped the table edge.
“Why? If I weep and wail, it won’t bring back the dead. They’re dead. They don’t care.”
“You could stop pretending it’s a game. People are dying, and you’re behaving like it’s nothing but an adventure.”
“Better to laugh than be too afraid to act.”
“Easier to pretend than to care about these people. Some Muggle girl, Sirius. Don’t you think they deserve more than that?”
“They deserve,” Sirius said, “the best I can give them.”
“And this is your best?”
Sirius laughed, husky and unamused, and sat back. “You can die screaming if you want, Evans. I’m going to go down laughing.”
Lily took a breath, and then stood up. “Fuck you.”
She shoved at Peter’s knees, and he huddled back into the corner of the alcove. Sirius lounged back into his chair.
“Lily!” James said, but she was already stalking away.
“Wanker,” he said to Sirius, who lifted a finger at him, and went after her.
He caught up with her in the concrete paved garden, grabbing her arm. She swung on him, furious. “Just piss off, James, alright.”
“No,” he said. Her skin was warm under his palm, contrasting with the cool air. “Calm down.”
“And be like the nice little pureblood boys, who pretend nothing’s wrong with the world?”
“And stop picking fights,” he snapped. “I don’t know which of you is worse.”
“She’s dead, James. She was holding my hand, and she died, and none of you give a fuck.”
“You’re not looking.”
“Fuck off.” She pulled away, heading across the square of concrete to the alley that led towards the road out the front of the pub.
He caught up with her in strides. “Where are you going?”
“To get some fresh air.”
The only light was from a streetlight at the other end of the alley. It was enough to see the line of her lips, and the shimmer of tears in her eyes. “Lily.”
“Leave me alone.” That was the unmistakeable crack of tears.
“No.”
She shoved him back against the wall, trying to squeeze past. “I don’t want you here.”
He was starting to get angry, so he grabbed her shoulders, pinning her against the side of the building opposite. “There’s Death Eaters out there.”
“I know. I’m not stupid.” She pulled his hands off her shoulders.
“Then don’t be reckless.”
“I don’t need protecting, James.”
He grabbed her again, before she slid away. “That won’t stop me.”
“Nothing stops you, does it?” Her push had his head banging painfully on the bricks behind him. For a moment, dazzled and swearing, he couldn’t see her, just smell her, perfume and soap and stale sweat and a tinge of blood. It had his breath catching in his throat, and he tightened his grip on her, feeling her jumper bunch beneath his fingers.
“No,” he said. “I’d die for you.”
“I don’t need you to. I can protect myself.”
“So?”
“So you fucked up, Potter.” He could feel her breath on his face. “You protect me, and Sirius, and Peter, and Remus, and you don’t watch your own back. And you don’t watch the enemy.”
“Are you trying to blame me for tonight?”
“We all fucked up tonight.”
“So that’s a yes.” He stepped forward, colliding with her. She drew a quick breath, and he pushed forward, trapping her between him and the wall. “You think it’s my fault.”
“We all fucked up tonight,” she said again. “You were trying to save the wrong girl.”
He could feel every breath she took, fast and furious. “I won’t let them hurt you.”
“I won’t let myself get hurt.” She grabbed his shoulders, nails digging in. “You have to trust me.”
“I do trust you.”
She laughed, bitter and a little wild. The sound caught at him, making him flush with heat. He pressed against her, and she gasped, and then snarled, “James!”
“What?” he said, as insolent as he could be, pressing his cheek against hers.
“This is important.”
“You’re important.”
“Don’t you care about anything?”
“I care about you. And I won’t stop protecting you, Lily, not ever.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“I need to,” he said, and loosened his grip on one shoulder, slipping his hand down to cup her breast. He could feel her nipple hardening through the wool. “I couldn’t live without you.”
She tried to pull his hand away, but he tightened his hold, pressing roughly. “Let me. Please.”
“I don’t want you to die for me.”
“I don’t care,” he murmured, brushing her ear with his lips. “I won’t change.”
“None of you ever do,” she said bitterly, but she didn’t try to stop him when he slid his hand inside her jumper and under her bra. Her breast was hot and heavy in his hand, and he curved his palm, feeling her nipple brush the crease of it. Her breath caught, and her fingers tightened on his shoulder.
“Not when it matters,” he whispered, and kissed her.
She surged up to meet him, tongue tangling with his. He kissed her hard, trusting her to meet him.
Her teeth scraped over his lip, and he shivered, shoving his hips forward. She pushed back, hands tugging his hair. His hand was trapped between them now, and he could do nothing but squeeze her breast, feeling her shudder in response.
The sound of voices made him pull back, and he turned to stare as a group of people walked past the end of the alley, their voices rough with drink.
“We should go back inside,” he breathed, lips brushing against the side of her neck. He could taste salt.
“No,” she said. “We’re in the shadows. They can’t see us.”
“Lily-”
She pulled one hand out of his hair and trailed it down his side. Her fingers dipped under his belt, and he gasped, “Lily!”
She laughed, and caught his mouth again. He tried to protest, but her hand came round to cup his erection through his trousers, stroking slowly.
“Fuck,” he muttered, and pushed her back, grinding against her touch, tongue pressing into the heat of her mouth. She whimpered, pushing her breast into his hand, and pulling his hair.
“James, please. Please.” She hitched herself up against the wall, wrapping one arm around his neck. Her fingers were busy on his fly, and he moaned into her mouth as the cold air hit his cock, followed by the grip of her fingers. The angle was awkward, and he felt the heel of her palm against the head of his cock as her fingers wrapped around him and she began to flex her wrist.
He bit her lip, and grabbed for her full skirt, gathering it up so he could slip his hand up her thigh. She parted her legs for him, fingers tightening.
Her knickers were wet, the thin cloth clinging to her, clammy against his hand as he slid his fingers down and between wet folds. His fingers slipped in easily, surrounded by the slick heat of her, and he rubbed his finger over her nub, feeling her buck in response. He laughed into her mouth, and kept circling his fingertip over that hard knot, feeling her kiss go clumsy as her breathing caught.
The pad of her thumb rubbed over the head of his cock, and he pushed his finger down, and then up into her, feeling her close around him, pushing down.
Her hand left his cock, and he thrust forward. “Lily!”
“Get these off,” she gasped, pulling at her knickers.
Oh, fuck, yes. He grabbed at them, and tore, feeling elastic snap under his hand, stinging his knuckles. Lily moaned in relief, and seized his shoulders, pressing down as she hooked her thighs around his hips. He got one arm under her, lifting her, and felt the rough wall graze his arm.
He got his other arm behind her as she pressed against his cock, wet and hot.
“Protecting me again,” she gasped.
“Always,” he managed, lifting her until his cock was pressing into her, the tip surrounded.
“Fuck you,” she gasped, and thrust down.
He threw his head back as she engulfed him. “You are, love, you are. Oh, fuck, yes, Lily.”
She bit his ear, and then his neck, whimpering.
“Sssh,” he managed, rocking forward. “Sssh, love.”
She pressed her mouth to his again, and he thrust up, swallowing her moans as she tightened around him, her thighs slippery with sweat around his hips.
He was fast, not gentle, and she met every thrust with equal force, fingers clawing. He felt the moment when she spasmed around him, her body going taut, and crushed her mouth under his, pistoning up as pleasure speared up through him, exploding into her, arms wrapping her close, locked within the circle of her limbs.
When he could see again, his face was buried in her hair, and they were both slumped against the wall. He was still inside her, and she sighed as he pulled out, snuggling close.
“I love you,” he murmured.
“I know,” she said. “I love you, too. So much.”
He pulled away long enough to jerk his trousers up, and smooth her skirt down. “I need you, Lily.”
“I know.”
“Not just sex. Everything.”
“I know.”
“I can’t stop protecting you. Don’t ask.”
She sighed, half exasperation, half-affection. “I need you, too. I need you alive, James. Don’t die for me, please, because I’d have nothing to live for if you did.”
He kissed her, crushing her to him, and she clung to him.
They were interrupted by somebody clearing their throat politely, and sprang apart.
Remus was standing at the end of the alley. In the light from the garden, James could see that he was slightly flushed.
“Er,” he said. “Sorry to interrupt, but Dumbledore wants us back.”
How long had he been standing there?
“Right,” James said, trying to pretend that his shirt wasn’t untucked and Lily’s torn knickers weren’t around her ankle. “Er, right now?”
“Need to be in Derby at midnight. Meet you out the front in a couple of minutes, yeah?”
“We’ll be there,” Lily said.
“Good. Right. Um, see you there.” He backed away rapidly.
“Oh, God,” Lily said, dropping her forehead onto James’ shoulder. “How much did he see?”
James, who could never stay mortified for long, snorted with laughter. “Could have been worse. Could have been Sirius.”
“As if Remus won’t tell him.”
“Bugger.”
She shook her head, and fished her wand out. “Hang on. You have a damp patch.”
He felt the fizz of the cleaning spell, and then watched in amazement as she shook her knickers off her foot and smoothed her hair down. “Let’s go.”
“You’re going to fight Death Eaters without any undies on?”
“I hardly think they’re going to be looking up my skirt, James. Come on.”
“I really, really love you.”
Even in the dim light he could see her blush, and she reached back to squeeze his hand.
Sirius was waiting for them by the front door of the pub, leaning against the wall with his hands cupped round a fag. He looked at them as they emerged, and smirked at James.
Damn. The bastard was never going to let him live this down.
“Get kicked out, did you, Black?” Lily said.
He looked her up and down, appraisingly, and then winked slowly.
Lily smirked and winked back.
“Remus wouldn’t let me kill Wormtail,” he said. “Reckoned it would be bad for morale.”
“Bad for my morale, anyway,” Peter said, coming out of the door, with Remus close behind. “Where d’ya go, Prongs, eh? Padfoot here was pining. Pining like a puppy, if you see what I mean.”
“I still think my morale matters more than his.”
“Nobody gives a shit about your morale, Sirius,” Remus said, elbow colliding with Sirius’ shoulder in a way that would have been a joke if it had been ten times more forceful. “Stop picking fights, and get moving. We’ve got to apparate up north, and set up a diversion for the Prewetts.”
“Derby is not up north,” Peter said irritably.
“North of fucking Watford, isn’t it?” Sirius said, pushing himself off the wall, his shoulder pressing against Remus’.
“Shut up, both of you,” James said. He wasn’t feeling the same urge to bang their heads against a brick wall anymore, but that could change. Right now, he felt too much at peace with the world.
Merlin, but he loved sex. Shame he couldn’t think of a tactful way to suggest Remus drag Sirius down an alley and deal with his bad temper.
“Wormtail doesn’t know how to shut up,” Sirius muttered. “Where we apparating from, Moony?”
Remus smirked. “There’s an alley down the side of the pub, isn’t there, Prongs?”
Bastards. They were all bastards, and he damn well wasn’t going to let any Death Eater hurt any of them. Whatever Lily might say, there were some people who were worth dying for, however much they pissed him off.
“You are all,” he said with deliberation, “absolute wankers. Let’s go.”
Words: 3581
Pairing/Rating/Warnings: Lily/James, implied Sirius/Remus, NC-17, sex in public places, non-fluffy L/J
Summary: The Marauders and Lily, after a mission, grating on each others' nerves.
Disclaimer: If you recognise it from the books, it belongs to JKR.
Only Peter was talking.
The room had started to seem hazy a few pints ago. The smoke from the cigarette in Sirius’ hand plumed up, a blurring screen between the five of them and the rest of the pub. He hadn’t drawn on it since Peter bought the last round.
Remus’ hand was on Sirius’ shoulder, and had been for too long. James stared at that, at the tight curve of long fingers against leather, and was torn between gratitude, that it saved him from looking at anyone’s faces, and resentment of what it implied. Sirius had been dodging his questions, lately, and Remus had a way of looking at him, bland and watchful, which meant the questions stuck in his throat. They were his friends, and he didn’t care if he was right: he didn’t care what they did to or with each other.
But they were his friends, and they shouldn’t lie to him.
“…and then I said to him, I said, fuck off, Nott, you wanker - I know your game, feller-me-lad, so don’t try it on, I said…”
Peter trailed off, looking between them, his round face puffy. There were shadows under his eyes.
Sirius moved suddenly, stubbing his fag out against the table, and shoving to his feet. “Another round?”
Remus’ hand fell to the back to the chair. He left it there, and said, “Same again, ta.”
“Evans?”
James could recognise the challenge in that. Lily looked up, her lips tight and her eyes cool. Then she shrugged, one-shouldered, and said, “Whatever you’re having, Black.”
“Playing with the big boys, Evans?”
“It’s not a game,” she snapped. “None of it’s a game!”
Sirius leant forward, grabbing the edge of the table. “Is that what your problem is, Evans?”
She shot to her feet, leaning forward to meet his gaze full on. “It’s not my problem, Black.”
“Lily,” James said, and was annoyed that it came out weak.
She shot him a scornful glance.
“You got enough Muggle cash for the round?” Remus asked.
Sirius snarled at him, and swung away. James watched him go; saw the way he forced his way to the bar, shoving heedless huddles of Muggles out of his way, the set of his shoulders inviting a fight.
“So,” Peter said. “I was saying, yeah, about Rosier.”
“I thought it was Nott,” Lily said, and helped herself to one of Sirius’ cigarettes.
Remus was still staring after Sirius, but he stirred at that. “When did you start smoking?”
“Things change,” Lily said, turning it between her fingers. “Damn. Too many ordinary folk. Anyone got a light?”
James opened his mouth to speak, but Remus was already producing a Muggle lighter. It had a naked woman on it, her back arched, and black hair falling around her breasts, emphasising them.
“Classy,” Lily said, leaning forward.
“Sirius stole it. Said she looked like a relative.”
Peter laughed, wheezily, and Remus flicked the lighter. The flame lit his face, and Lily’s, making her hair seem to flare, and Remus’ eyes seem suddenly dark. With the planes of their faces illuminated, they looked almost akin, focused and intent.
Then Lily sat back, and Remus turned to look across the crowded pub. Music was playing, but the thrum of conversation masked everything but the beat.
“He needs to grow up,” Lily said viciously.
“Does he?” Remus said, not turning back towards her.
“He’s not the only one.”
What was wrong with her tonight? Fine, they’d fucked the mission up, but he hadn’t done anything to her. Just saved her life. Some women would be grateful.
“Funny, that,” Peter said brightly into the silence. “You talking about growing up. I was talking to Dumbledore the other day, y’know, and he said much the same thing. Things change, eh? Nothing remains the same. Seems like yesterday, doesn’t it, that we were all just-”
“Shut the fuck up, Wormtail,” James said.
Peter retreated behind his pint, saying sulkily, “Just trying to keep the conversation going.”
“Don’t,” James said, and looked at Lily. She was ignoring him, staring through the smoke. Her brows were set, and her hair fell around her face, loose and glorious. He could see the fine, feathery strands of hair behind her ear and the line of her neck. From where he sat, he could look down the cowl neck of her jumper where it hung open, and see the bare curve of her breasts below. She was wearing a white bra, edged with lace.
Suddenly, viciously, he wanted to be alone with her, to set his teeth to that lace, and bury his face in that bright hair, and fuck her until they were both too exhausted to be angry.
Remus stood up. “I’m going to help Padfoot with the drinks. Mood he’s in, he’ll levitate them over, and then we’ll be in trouble.”
“Good old Moony,” Peter said nastily. “Constant vigilance.”
James ignored him, trying to fight down the pounding of his blood.
Lily put both elbows on the table, cupping her face in her free hand. Her nail varnish was chipped, her nails pale at their bases. Her sleeves slipped back, and he could see the shiny mark of the burn around her lower arm, still not fully healed. That had been Godalming, five weeks ago, when one of them had got past Sirius long enough to hide, and set fire on their backs.
They had all recognised the man behind that mask, and not one of them had breathed his name to Dumbledore.
“You nicking my fags, Evans?”
She didn’t look up. “They part of the great rebellion, or are you just cheap?”
“You saying I buy cheap fags, Evans?”
She looked up at that, lips curling. “Yeah.”
Sirius grinned back, teeth showing, and James thought it might be over for the evening. “Buy your own, then. Got a light, Moony?”
Remus had always been confident, in an unobtrusive way. There was more than confidence in his movements now, as Sirius leant forward. They held each other’s gaze a little too long, and James thought, Do you really think no one will notice? The truth will out.
They sank back into silence. Sirius let his cigarette hang between his fingers again, staring at the beams on the ceiling. Peter nursed his pint. Lily smoked, pulling the fag away from her lips in jerks. Remus’ hand was on the back of Sirius’ chair again.
James watched them all. They’d seen death tonight. They’d all almost died, and they hadn’t been fast enough to do more than stay alive.
And here they were, in some Muggle pub, in some undistinguished Muggle town, waiting for the order to go home. He didn’t want to wait much longer. He wanted to go home, and sleep, in the hope that nightmares would wash the immediacy away. He wanted her with him, too, though she would go back to her parents. He wanted her with him, where she might not be safe, but at least would be beside him, if trouble came.
“At least,” Peter said.
“What?” Sirius snapped.
“At least we’re all safe,” Peter said, biting his lip.
“Peter Pettigrew,” Sirius said, “Master of the fucking obvious. We’re all safe. Well, isn’t that nice? We’re all safe, and those fuckers got away, and some Muggle kid is dead.”
“Her name,” Lily said, “was Maxine Campbell. Not some Muggle kid.”
“You implying something, Evans?”
“Not what you think.”
“What are you saying, then?”
Remus rolled his eyes, and took his hand back. For a moment Sirius glanced at him, but then he swung back towards Lily. “Well?”
“It’s not a game,” she said, and James realised that she’d been matching Sirius drink for drink all night. “It’s real.”
Peter was chewing the rim of his glass. Remus was staring at the back of his own hands. James wanted to grab them all, all four of them, and shake them until they snapped.
“Real,” Sirius scoffed.
She drew a breath, eyes bright with fury.
“Lily,” James said, reaching for her hand. “Calm down.”
She pulled away. “You’re as bad. You all are.”
“Think you know everything, don’t you?” Sirius said, leaning forward. “Think you can make us all grow up by your sterling example. I grew up before you even met me, Evans.”
“Then show it.” She was only inches away from Sirius, her knuckles white where she gripped the table edge.
“Why? If I weep and wail, it won’t bring back the dead. They’re dead. They don’t care.”
“You could stop pretending it’s a game. People are dying, and you’re behaving like it’s nothing but an adventure.”
“Better to laugh than be too afraid to act.”
“Easier to pretend than to care about these people. Some Muggle girl, Sirius. Don’t you think they deserve more than that?”
“They deserve,” Sirius said, “the best I can give them.”
“And this is your best?”
Sirius laughed, husky and unamused, and sat back. “You can die screaming if you want, Evans. I’m going to go down laughing.”
Lily took a breath, and then stood up. “Fuck you.”
She shoved at Peter’s knees, and he huddled back into the corner of the alcove. Sirius lounged back into his chair.
“Lily!” James said, but she was already stalking away.
“Wanker,” he said to Sirius, who lifted a finger at him, and went after her.
He caught up with her in the concrete paved garden, grabbing her arm. She swung on him, furious. “Just piss off, James, alright.”
“No,” he said. Her skin was warm under his palm, contrasting with the cool air. “Calm down.”
“And be like the nice little pureblood boys, who pretend nothing’s wrong with the world?”
“And stop picking fights,” he snapped. “I don’t know which of you is worse.”
“She’s dead, James. She was holding my hand, and she died, and none of you give a fuck.”
“You’re not looking.”
“Fuck off.” She pulled away, heading across the square of concrete to the alley that led towards the road out the front of the pub.
He caught up with her in strides. “Where are you going?”
“To get some fresh air.”
The only light was from a streetlight at the other end of the alley. It was enough to see the line of her lips, and the shimmer of tears in her eyes. “Lily.”
“Leave me alone.” That was the unmistakeable crack of tears.
“No.”
She shoved him back against the wall, trying to squeeze past. “I don’t want you here.”
He was starting to get angry, so he grabbed her shoulders, pinning her against the side of the building opposite. “There’s Death Eaters out there.”
“I know. I’m not stupid.” She pulled his hands off her shoulders.
“Then don’t be reckless.”
“I don’t need protecting, James.”
He grabbed her again, before she slid away. “That won’t stop me.”
“Nothing stops you, does it?” Her push had his head banging painfully on the bricks behind him. For a moment, dazzled and swearing, he couldn’t see her, just smell her, perfume and soap and stale sweat and a tinge of blood. It had his breath catching in his throat, and he tightened his grip on her, feeling her jumper bunch beneath his fingers.
“No,” he said. “I’d die for you.”
“I don’t need you to. I can protect myself.”
“So?”
“So you fucked up, Potter.” He could feel her breath on his face. “You protect me, and Sirius, and Peter, and Remus, and you don’t watch your own back. And you don’t watch the enemy.”
“Are you trying to blame me for tonight?”
“We all fucked up tonight.”
“So that’s a yes.” He stepped forward, colliding with her. She drew a quick breath, and he pushed forward, trapping her between him and the wall. “You think it’s my fault.”
“We all fucked up tonight,” she said again. “You were trying to save the wrong girl.”
He could feel every breath she took, fast and furious. “I won’t let them hurt you.”
“I won’t let myself get hurt.” She grabbed his shoulders, nails digging in. “You have to trust me.”
“I do trust you.”
She laughed, bitter and a little wild. The sound caught at him, making him flush with heat. He pressed against her, and she gasped, and then snarled, “James!”
“What?” he said, as insolent as he could be, pressing his cheek against hers.
“This is important.”
“You’re important.”
“Don’t you care about anything?”
“I care about you. And I won’t stop protecting you, Lily, not ever.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“I need to,” he said, and loosened his grip on one shoulder, slipping his hand down to cup her breast. He could feel her nipple hardening through the wool. “I couldn’t live without you.”
She tried to pull his hand away, but he tightened his hold, pressing roughly. “Let me. Please.”
“I don’t want you to die for me.”
“I don’t care,” he murmured, brushing her ear with his lips. “I won’t change.”
“None of you ever do,” she said bitterly, but she didn’t try to stop him when he slid his hand inside her jumper and under her bra. Her breast was hot and heavy in his hand, and he curved his palm, feeling her nipple brush the crease of it. Her breath caught, and her fingers tightened on his shoulder.
“Not when it matters,” he whispered, and kissed her.
She surged up to meet him, tongue tangling with his. He kissed her hard, trusting her to meet him.
Her teeth scraped over his lip, and he shivered, shoving his hips forward. She pushed back, hands tugging his hair. His hand was trapped between them now, and he could do nothing but squeeze her breast, feeling her shudder in response.
The sound of voices made him pull back, and he turned to stare as a group of people walked past the end of the alley, their voices rough with drink.
“We should go back inside,” he breathed, lips brushing against the side of her neck. He could taste salt.
“No,” she said. “We’re in the shadows. They can’t see us.”
“Lily-”
She pulled one hand out of his hair and trailed it down his side. Her fingers dipped under his belt, and he gasped, “Lily!”
She laughed, and caught his mouth again. He tried to protest, but her hand came round to cup his erection through his trousers, stroking slowly.
“Fuck,” he muttered, and pushed her back, grinding against her touch, tongue pressing into the heat of her mouth. She whimpered, pushing her breast into his hand, and pulling his hair.
“James, please. Please.” She hitched herself up against the wall, wrapping one arm around his neck. Her fingers were busy on his fly, and he moaned into her mouth as the cold air hit his cock, followed by the grip of her fingers. The angle was awkward, and he felt the heel of her palm against the head of his cock as her fingers wrapped around him and she began to flex her wrist.
He bit her lip, and grabbed for her full skirt, gathering it up so he could slip his hand up her thigh. She parted her legs for him, fingers tightening.
Her knickers were wet, the thin cloth clinging to her, clammy against his hand as he slid his fingers down and between wet folds. His fingers slipped in easily, surrounded by the slick heat of her, and he rubbed his finger over her nub, feeling her buck in response. He laughed into her mouth, and kept circling his fingertip over that hard knot, feeling her kiss go clumsy as her breathing caught.
The pad of her thumb rubbed over the head of his cock, and he pushed his finger down, and then up into her, feeling her close around him, pushing down.
Her hand left his cock, and he thrust forward. “Lily!”
“Get these off,” she gasped, pulling at her knickers.
Oh, fuck, yes. He grabbed at them, and tore, feeling elastic snap under his hand, stinging his knuckles. Lily moaned in relief, and seized his shoulders, pressing down as she hooked her thighs around his hips. He got one arm under her, lifting her, and felt the rough wall graze his arm.
He got his other arm behind her as she pressed against his cock, wet and hot.
“Protecting me again,” she gasped.
“Always,” he managed, lifting her until his cock was pressing into her, the tip surrounded.
“Fuck you,” she gasped, and thrust down.
He threw his head back as she engulfed him. “You are, love, you are. Oh, fuck, yes, Lily.”
She bit his ear, and then his neck, whimpering.
“Sssh,” he managed, rocking forward. “Sssh, love.”
She pressed her mouth to his again, and he thrust up, swallowing her moans as she tightened around him, her thighs slippery with sweat around his hips.
He was fast, not gentle, and she met every thrust with equal force, fingers clawing. He felt the moment when she spasmed around him, her body going taut, and crushed her mouth under his, pistoning up as pleasure speared up through him, exploding into her, arms wrapping her close, locked within the circle of her limbs.
When he could see again, his face was buried in her hair, and they were both slumped against the wall. He was still inside her, and she sighed as he pulled out, snuggling close.
“I love you,” he murmured.
“I know,” she said. “I love you, too. So much.”
He pulled away long enough to jerk his trousers up, and smooth her skirt down. “I need you, Lily.”
“I know.”
“Not just sex. Everything.”
“I know.”
“I can’t stop protecting you. Don’t ask.”
She sighed, half exasperation, half-affection. “I need you, too. I need you alive, James. Don’t die for me, please, because I’d have nothing to live for if you did.”
He kissed her, crushing her to him, and she clung to him.
They were interrupted by somebody clearing their throat politely, and sprang apart.
Remus was standing at the end of the alley. In the light from the garden, James could see that he was slightly flushed.
“Er,” he said. “Sorry to interrupt, but Dumbledore wants us back.”
How long had he been standing there?
“Right,” James said, trying to pretend that his shirt wasn’t untucked and Lily’s torn knickers weren’t around her ankle. “Er, right now?”
“Need to be in Derby at midnight. Meet you out the front in a couple of minutes, yeah?”
“We’ll be there,” Lily said.
“Good. Right. Um, see you there.” He backed away rapidly.
“Oh, God,” Lily said, dropping her forehead onto James’ shoulder. “How much did he see?”
James, who could never stay mortified for long, snorted with laughter. “Could have been worse. Could have been Sirius.”
“As if Remus won’t tell him.”
“Bugger.”
She shook her head, and fished her wand out. “Hang on. You have a damp patch.”
He felt the fizz of the cleaning spell, and then watched in amazement as she shook her knickers off her foot and smoothed her hair down. “Let’s go.”
“You’re going to fight Death Eaters without any undies on?”
“I hardly think they’re going to be looking up my skirt, James. Come on.”
“I really, really love you.”
Even in the dim light he could see her blush, and she reached back to squeeze his hand.
Sirius was waiting for them by the front door of the pub, leaning against the wall with his hands cupped round a fag. He looked at them as they emerged, and smirked at James.
Damn. The bastard was never going to let him live this down.
“Get kicked out, did you, Black?” Lily said.
He looked her up and down, appraisingly, and then winked slowly.
Lily smirked and winked back.
“Remus wouldn’t let me kill Wormtail,” he said. “Reckoned it would be bad for morale.”
“Bad for my morale, anyway,” Peter said, coming out of the door, with Remus close behind. “Where d’ya go, Prongs, eh? Padfoot here was pining. Pining like a puppy, if you see what I mean.”
“I still think my morale matters more than his.”
“Nobody gives a shit about your morale, Sirius,” Remus said, elbow colliding with Sirius’ shoulder in a way that would have been a joke if it had been ten times more forceful. “Stop picking fights, and get moving. We’ve got to apparate up north, and set up a diversion for the Prewetts.”
“Derby is not up north,” Peter said irritably.
“North of fucking Watford, isn’t it?” Sirius said, pushing himself off the wall, his shoulder pressing against Remus’.
“Shut up, both of you,” James said. He wasn’t feeling the same urge to bang their heads against a brick wall anymore, but that could change. Right now, he felt too much at peace with the world.
Merlin, but he loved sex. Shame he couldn’t think of a tactful way to suggest Remus drag Sirius down an alley and deal with his bad temper.
“Wormtail doesn’t know how to shut up,” Sirius muttered. “Where we apparating from, Moony?”
Remus smirked. “There’s an alley down the side of the pub, isn’t there, Prongs?”
Bastards. They were all bastards, and he damn well wasn’t going to let any Death Eater hurt any of them. Whatever Lily might say, there were some people who were worth dying for, however much they pissed him off.
“You are all,” he said with deliberation, “absolute wankers. Let’s go.”