Politics, Personal Update and Artistic Expression
I want everything in the world to make sense. I need some clarity, especially regarding the upcoming election. It seems the more research I do and news I take in about Obama and McCain- the more confused and disillusioned I become. Everyone I speak to someone about this mess is certain in their viewpoints and opinions. For me, I can argue for and against both candidates, but still can't make a concrete decision. Also, if I hear one of them use the word 'change' one more time- from either of them- I'm going to scream. Does anyone else feel this way? I just want the whole thing to be done all ready.
In my regular, personal life, I am actually okay. I am on a mission to be positive about my job and it is actually working for several reasons. First, I remind myself having a job during this time- any job- is a good thing. Secondly, Featherveins, my faithful co-worker, keeps me sane which I will be forever grateful. At the end of the day, I am starting to truly understand: I am more then my work.
I think another important factor for my mindset to be shifting is I am back in school for social work. The classes take up a lot of time with papers and reading, but it is worth it. I truly believe I made the right decision to return school and very happy so far with my choice of school. The teachers are able to keep things interesting and I am learning. My fears of not being able to measure up are falling away now, especially since I been able to balance everything (although, it is still struggle).
The other issue which seems to be resolving is that point over the last few years, I went through a crisis of faith in myself, my abilities and how I relate to other people. It has been a long road returning to normalcy (well, my concept of normalcy which I think is rather different then the average person), but now I feel I have reached the final stages of this long process. I realized this when I went to the Dodge Poetry Festival this past weekend. The epiphany occurred as I was sitting in the audience with Featherveins and sandrariley and listening to brilliant, gifted people like Sharon Olds and Chris Abani. Suddenly, I knew I belonged in this place and the people around me were my brethren- as pretentious or strange as they might portray themselves. (For example, there was a guy at one of the opening reading who read a poem called 'I'm not that White Man' about racism and minority oppression in America, and wore a t-shirt which bore the same slogan. His poem's point would have been more effective and better received if it didn't ramble on for over 10 minutes).
Another thing that struck me was that I was done hiding and denying my artistic pursuits to myself and other people. I have always been a person who loved to write, act and sing. I was never the most skilled person in the room, but I excelled in these areas with hard work and discipline. Despite this fact, I lost my confidence in my talents somewhere along the line and looked outside myself for approval to develop these crafts. My insecurity and relentless hunger for validation brought mixed results. Some people had no problem giving me constant encouragement, but then understandably grew tired of stroking my broken self-esteem. You can tell someone they admire or believe in their skills forever, but it is all in vain if that person does not have faith in him or herself. The other scenario was that other people, who were either more gifted or developed in their talents, would dismiss or discourage my fledging, uncertain ambitions. As a result, I chose to stop writing, acting and singing. Instead, I became the appreciative audience and critic of my friends, acquaintances and romantic partners (who all were artists, writers or musicians). I think the reason why I attracted these types of people into my life was because I needed the opportunity to live vicariously through them. Secondly, I could convince I was special- in some way- because people with such immense talent loved and valued me.
Yes, I know it sounds rather pathetic. At present, I am powerless to change my years of self-doubt and self-pity. All I can do is continue the process I began when I left DC four years ago to develop these gifts. I will do this without shame or fear of what others might think. It really doesn’t matter because I know now I will prove them wrong someday. In the mean time, this means I will work to improve my writing to become published- whether it is my poetry in a small literary magazine or writing a best selling novel. I know it will happen. For singing, I don’t have any major ambition, except to sing at local establishment while playing the guitar. (This is would be an easier aspiration to achieve if I could ever learn to change chords fluently). As for acting, I am happy to do local, quality theater (when I am out of graduate school).
I don’t believe my aspirations are to far-fletched or unrealistic. Frankly, they are minor in the whole scheme of things. However, it feels good to have them and claim them out loud. By doing so, I am being myself for the first time without fear of what other might think or say. In that respect, I feel that is one of my great achievements thus far.
In my regular, personal life, I am actually okay. I am on a mission to be positive about my job and it is actually working for several reasons. First, I remind myself having a job during this time- any job- is a good thing. Secondly, Featherveins, my faithful co-worker, keeps me sane which I will be forever grateful. At the end of the day, I am starting to truly understand: I am more then my work.
I think another important factor for my mindset to be shifting is I am back in school for social work. The classes take up a lot of time with papers and reading, but it is worth it. I truly believe I made the right decision to return school and very happy so far with my choice of school. The teachers are able to keep things interesting and I am learning. My fears of not being able to measure up are falling away now, especially since I been able to balance everything (although, it is still struggle).
The other issue which seems to be resolving is that point over the last few years, I went through a crisis of faith in myself, my abilities and how I relate to other people. It has been a long road returning to normalcy (well, my concept of normalcy which I think is rather different then the average person), but now I feel I have reached the final stages of this long process. I realized this when I went to the Dodge Poetry Festival this past weekend. The epiphany occurred as I was sitting in the audience with Featherveins and sandrariley and listening to brilliant, gifted people like Sharon Olds and Chris Abani. Suddenly, I knew I belonged in this place and the people around me were my brethren- as pretentious or strange as they might portray themselves. (For example, there was a guy at one of the opening reading who read a poem called 'I'm not that White Man' about racism and minority oppression in America, and wore a t-shirt which bore the same slogan. His poem's point would have been more effective and better received if it didn't ramble on for over 10 minutes).
Another thing that struck me was that I was done hiding and denying my artistic pursuits to myself and other people. I have always been a person who loved to write, act and sing. I was never the most skilled person in the room, but I excelled in these areas with hard work and discipline. Despite this fact, I lost my confidence in my talents somewhere along the line and looked outside myself for approval to develop these crafts. My insecurity and relentless hunger for validation brought mixed results. Some people had no problem giving me constant encouragement, but then understandably grew tired of stroking my broken self-esteem. You can tell someone they admire or believe in their skills forever, but it is all in vain if that person does not have faith in him or herself. The other scenario was that other people, who were either more gifted or developed in their talents, would dismiss or discourage my fledging, uncertain ambitions. As a result, I chose to stop writing, acting and singing. Instead, I became the appreciative audience and critic of my friends, acquaintances and romantic partners (who all were artists, writers or musicians). I think the reason why I attracted these types of people into my life was because I needed the opportunity to live vicariously through them. Secondly, I could convince I was special- in some way- because people with such immense talent loved and valued me.
Yes, I know it sounds rather pathetic. At present, I am powerless to change my years of self-doubt and self-pity. All I can do is continue the process I began when I left DC four years ago to develop these gifts. I will do this without shame or fear of what others might think. It really doesn’t matter because I know now I will prove them wrong someday. In the mean time, this means I will work to improve my writing to become published- whether it is my poetry in a small literary magazine or writing a best selling novel. I know it will happen. For singing, I don’t have any major ambition, except to sing at local establishment while playing the guitar. (This is would be an easier aspiration to achieve if I could ever learn to change chords fluently). As for acting, I am happy to do local, quality theater (when I am out of graduate school).
I don’t believe my aspirations are to far-fletched or unrealistic. Frankly, they are minor in the whole scheme of things. However, it feels good to have them and claim them out loud. By doing so, I am being myself for the first time without fear of what other might think or say. In that respect, I feel that is one of my great achievements thus far.