[Family by Choice] Late Night

[roseletters]

Title: Late Night
Story/Character: Family by Choice / Kalmenka, Mattias
Rating: PG
word count: 2,134

1) Written for the third week of November on brigits_flame, prompt of "accidentally perfect". This story is part of an ongoing series, but I've tried to write it as a stand-alone for this prompt - no prior knowledge should be necessary.

2) cruixe_chan made me an awesome

Comments

EDIT

[shadowdream]

Wow, very well written, and beautifully sweet piece! Well done!

You have a knack for bringing the reader right in. :) Your description, both of the physical and emotional, is strong without being overly complex.

I am hesitant to do a deep edit on punctuation, because I am not particularly perfect at it. I will share what I noticed, but you might want to double check what I have to say to be sure.

The window frame was tight and new; Kalmenka set his shoulder into it and pushed harder, succeeding in shoving it open a hand's width with a protesting shriek of wood on wood to let a breath of cool evening breeze in. --- There should be a comma at either side of "with a protesting shriek of wood on wood". The semicolon is used correctly, I believe. However, it might read a little smoother with a period there instead.

either house raising was twice the work that trench digging and marching had been during his years in the ranks or else he really was getting too damned old to do it all and be ready to go again the very next day. --- There should be a comma before "or else"... I think.

Tomorrow they could open up every one of the windows all day long, doors too, and air the house out. And unpack. --- "And unpack" is a fragment. Consider revising a little bit.

groaning, he scrubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes and rolled over to bury his face in the pillow. --- Groaning should be capitalized.

Kalmenka gave it a last pat, then closed his eyes, determined to set a good example. I don't think you need the comma after pat.

Just some minor things... Your grasp of punctuation may well be better than my own, so disregard if I am way off. ;)

The flow to this piece is very, very good. The tension builds in the beginning, from the buzz of a busy mind before bed, to the build up at the strange noises, then slowly dissipates as he calms the child. As I said earlier, you're very good at bringing the reader in to the scene. You are left feeling warm and fuzzy at the end. Even the tension of "must get everything done!" is eased.

Very well done indeed! :)

A present for you! My google-fu is strong. ;) Two links. One has an mp3 with women singing, the second has a midi and lyrics. Very pretty song! Thanks for sharing it! Knowing it now, adds to the piece even more. :)

http://nepdal.gyujtemeny.com/nepdal/6.php

http://www.mamalisa.com/?t=es&p=322&c=44

Re: EDIT

[darthneko]

Thank you! I have a horrible tendency to overuse and abuse commas, so I find myself going back and taking them out. I think I might have gotten a little carried away. ^_^

I'm glad the pacing read well (it's one of those things I can never see myself until I've walked away from it for awhile). And eeeeee! Your google-fu is indeed quite strong! Thank you for the links! ^_^

Re: EDIT

[shadowdream]

You're welcome! :) I tend to do the same, hence my saying you might need to second check it. ;)

It read very well. I was very impressed by it, actually. :)

You are very welcome for the links. It is a very pretty song.