16 years…..
A goddamn lifetime ago.
My god, how life has changed.
I’m still struggling with my weight.
My brain is still a jerk.
David and I got engaged. I packed up my entire life, gave up a career I worked hard for, and followed him away from Wisconsin, my home, my family. 6 hours north to the UP of Michigan so he could fulfill his dreams of getting a doctorate.
We married. It was a stunning ceremony, in the church of my youth. Not because I had any religious faith left, but because I wanted to walk down the aisle i dreamed of in my childhood. My dad got to walk me down the aisle, and we danced. Him and mom were so happy. Liz was my maid of honor, as we promised way back in 1st grade. As was Dani, Zuko and my sister as bridesmaids. We honeymooned at Disney World and it was every bit as magical as I could imagine, and then some. That was 12 years ago and I’ve dying to return since.
Me and David divorced, just 2 years later. It broke me in a way I never broke before, not with the howling cries and mourning and angst of my youth, but with a deep, cold, suffocating pit.
But when I climbed from that pit, there was a whole new adventure waiting for me.
I met Josh. A geeky, charismatic, dark haired gamer (yeah, I have a type). Also 4 years younger than me. It will be 10 years in April.
He loves animals as much as I do, and we have a small zoo of reptiles, snakes, and cats. We’ve gotten to work with giant tortoises and large monitor lizards through a local zoo.
And with him, came a child. We will call them Kidlet, since they are exploring gender and identity and I have no idea where this will go in the future. They are 11, and my god my heart loves them in a way I didn’t know I could love. Life never let me make my own, and I had no interest in adopting or honestly really being a parent, but this is one railroading I am happy to accept from the DM of life.
Part of them heals my soul.
A lot of really tough things have happened.
Mom almost died a year and a half ago. The way time froze, and the way Josh just handled everything perfectly will be forever cemented in my mind. She’s doing better now, but not great.
Debbie is still by mom’s side. She’s been an absolute godsend with everything that has happened with mom and dad.
My sister retired from Washington and settled in Wisconsin. For the first time, my Dad finally has all 3 of his kids living in the same state as him.
Dad…
Well. He’s here. Sort of.
COPD, Parkinson’s, and Dementia have stolen my father from me. It’s a whole new kind of sorrow to mourn the death of someone twice. Seeing the way my mom still loves and cares for him is both beautiful and devastating. He’s in a nursing home now, he requires 24/7 care and can no longer walk or even speak for the most part.
Having both of my parents look me in the eyes and have no idea who I was in the span of just a few months…
…I like to think that all the pain and turmoil I fought through as a teenager just hardened me for the roller coaster life was going to give me.
I’m learning to forgive myself. I’m learning to give myself grace.
I was diagnosed with PTSD (cPTSD technically). As well as severe combined type ADHD and highly suspected Autism, but I’m not bothering with the testing for that because I do not need any accommodations or treatment that isn’t already managed under my other diagnoses. All in the last few years, when I finally had quality insurance and a doctor who could see me as a human being and not just a number on a scale. It’s been hard processing how much I did life on hard mode. I read back on old entries now and my heart breaks for the young girl who was flailing out in the fury of her own mind torturing her. As cliche as it is, I wish I could go back and give young me a hug. Tell her it won’t be like this forever.
But time marches on.
David and I refound our friendship that was always the core of our connection, after we had time to heal and discover ourselves again. I adore his girlfriend, and we try to double date a few times a year, but distance makes it challenging.
I bought my first house, last month. It’s not much, and it’s old and a little worn around the edges, but it’s mine. Well, ours. I love it. I can’t wait to make it our home.
Oh, and it’s in Wisconsin! I’m finally coming home. We’ve got the luxury of time so we are doing a slow move to try and minimize costs. We both work remotely so jumping between WI and MI is a lot easier. I never meant to be away for 13 years.
Gizmo passed the rainbow bridge in January of 2022. I still miss him.
Widget is still around, at 16 1/2 but still spicy.
And she has two naked (Sphynx) siblings, Mizzix and her literal papa, Smokey.
I’m still stuck in call center work. Switched from banking tech to healthcare. I hate it, but I’m good at it and it pays a living wage, has good benefits, and allows me to work fully remote. So that’s that.
It’s weird to see 16 years summarized.
Dunno if I will keep coming back to this. There is a certain appeal to being able to scream my pain into the void, but as a parent I’m wary of when my tween will inevitably stumble across this and taunt me for eternity of how cringe I was. Am? Yeah, I’m old.
So yeah, I’m gonna go sleep now. Nice checking in. Hope anyone else still around reading this is doing well too.
My god, how life has changed.
I’m still struggling with my weight.
My brain is still a jerk.
David and I got engaged. I packed up my entire life, gave up a career I worked hard for, and followed him away from Wisconsin, my home, my family. 6 hours north to the UP of Michigan so he could fulfill his dreams of getting a doctorate.
We married. It was a stunning ceremony, in the church of my youth. Not because I had any religious faith left, but because I wanted to walk down the aisle i dreamed of in my childhood. My dad got to walk me down the aisle, and we danced. Him and mom were so happy. Liz was my maid of honor, as we promised way back in 1st grade. As was Dani, Zuko and my sister as bridesmaids. We honeymooned at Disney World and it was every bit as magical as I could imagine, and then some. That was 12 years ago and I’ve dying to return since.
Me and David divorced, just 2 years later. It broke me in a way I never broke before, not with the howling cries and mourning and angst of my youth, but with a deep, cold, suffocating pit.
But when I climbed from that pit, there was a whole new adventure waiting for me.
I met Josh. A geeky, charismatic, dark haired gamer (yeah, I have a type). Also 4 years younger than me. It will be 10 years in April.
He loves animals as much as I do, and we have a small zoo of reptiles, snakes, and cats. We’ve gotten to work with giant tortoises and large monitor lizards through a local zoo.
And with him, came a child. We will call them Kidlet, since they are exploring gender and identity and I have no idea where this will go in the future. They are 11, and my god my heart loves them in a way I didn’t know I could love. Life never let me make my own, and I had no interest in adopting or honestly really being a parent, but this is one railroading I am happy to accept from the DM of life.
Part of them heals my soul.
A lot of really tough things have happened.
Mom almost died a year and a half ago. The way time froze, and the way Josh just handled everything perfectly will be forever cemented in my mind. She’s doing better now, but not great.
Debbie is still by mom’s side. She’s been an absolute godsend with everything that has happened with mom and dad.
My sister retired from Washington and settled in Wisconsin. For the first time, my Dad finally has all 3 of his kids living in the same state as him.
Dad…
Well. He’s here. Sort of.
COPD, Parkinson’s, and Dementia have stolen my father from me. It’s a whole new kind of sorrow to mourn the death of someone twice. Seeing the way my mom still loves and cares for him is both beautiful and devastating. He’s in a nursing home now, he requires 24/7 care and can no longer walk or even speak for the most part.
Having both of my parents look me in the eyes and have no idea who I was in the span of just a few months…
…I like to think that all the pain and turmoil I fought through as a teenager just hardened me for the roller coaster life was going to give me.
I’m learning to forgive myself. I’m learning to give myself grace.
I was diagnosed with PTSD (cPTSD technically). As well as severe combined type ADHD and highly suspected Autism, but I’m not bothering with the testing for that because I do not need any accommodations or treatment that isn’t already managed under my other diagnoses. All in the last few years, when I finally had quality insurance and a doctor who could see me as a human being and not just a number on a scale. It’s been hard processing how much I did life on hard mode. I read back on old entries now and my heart breaks for the young girl who was flailing out in the fury of her own mind torturing her. As cliche as it is, I wish I could go back and give young me a hug. Tell her it won’t be like this forever.
But time marches on.
David and I refound our friendship that was always the core of our connection, after we had time to heal and discover ourselves again. I adore his girlfriend, and we try to double date a few times a year, but distance makes it challenging.
I bought my first house, last month. It’s not much, and it’s old and a little worn around the edges, but it’s mine. Well, ours. I love it. I can’t wait to make it our home.
Oh, and it’s in Wisconsin! I’m finally coming home. We’ve got the luxury of time so we are doing a slow move to try and minimize costs. We both work remotely so jumping between WI and MI is a lot easier. I never meant to be away for 13 years.
Gizmo passed the rainbow bridge in January of 2022. I still miss him.
Widget is still around, at 16 1/2 but still spicy.
And she has two naked (Sphynx) siblings, Mizzix and her literal papa, Smokey.
I’m still stuck in call center work. Switched from banking tech to healthcare. I hate it, but I’m good at it and it pays a living wage, has good benefits, and allows me to work fully remote. So that’s that.
It’s weird to see 16 years summarized.
Dunno if I will keep coming back to this. There is a certain appeal to being able to scream my pain into the void, but as a parent I’m wary of when my tween will inevitably stumble across this and taunt me for eternity of how cringe I was. Am? Yeah, I’m old.
So yeah, I’m gonna go sleep now. Nice checking in. Hope anyone else still around reading this is doing well too.