and if it can be remembered
Title: and if it can be remembered
Word Count: 1024
Prompt: Matt and Karen meet for the first time in years at an interview (or something, can't find the actual prompt anywhere)
Rating: T (pg-13)
Written for: Giulia http://lily-fucking-evans.tumblr.com
Karen hasn’t felt as nervous as this for at least six years now; ever since the mad whirwind life that wasDoctor Who ended for her, there have been less and less interviews - not that she’s complaining; it’s been by choice, mostly - and the interviews she does do, Karen picks selectively. They’re always respectable. Safe. About her current work. She is not required to talk about Doctor Who in anything but the vaguest terms.
Today, though… Today, Karen has a hunch she isn’t going to get away from talking about Doctor Who. What with this being a specially-arranged Doctor Who interview for the Eleventh Doctor’s Era box-set. Karen Gillan, the ELeventh Doctor’s first companion, talks with Matt Smith about their early days on Doctor Who! Karen can see why the DVD producers were so keen, but… But still. It hurts. The last time they were together, things were said. Things happened.
“So, Mayy,” she begins, keeping a nervous eye on the cue-screen just behind him. “Can you remember your first day on set?”
“Course I can!” Matt grins, with no trace of awkwardness. “We were in that mad forest set, you know, for the Angels episodes?”
“Amd… How did you feel, taking up the mantle after David Tennant, who had been so popular with fans?” Karen continues, keeping strictly to her script.
“Well,” Matt shrugs. “I reckon I had a bit of a wobbly moment in the first week, yeah, definitely. It was all really huge and scary, you know? But I guess I settled in after that, once we both kind of found our feet and stuff.”
Karen looks at him quickly, remembering. Matt looked broken in those first few days - looked amost exactly like she was feeling - and it took a night of increasingly drunken deep conversation to make them both feel like they weren’t floundering on their own.
Not that Karen says any of this, of course; she just smiles and nods, and makes a cheeky quip aboutMatt’s insecurity all being down to his lack of eyebrows compared to David, and the conversation moves on. But…it’s become easier, somehow; they both settle back into the sofa, bodies turned towards each other and knees just refraining from touching.
“So, Matt,” Karen laughs eventually, unwillingly dragging her eyes back towards the script screen (they’ve gone off on a tangent again, this one lasting five minutes and detailing such important things as Matt’s favourite sandwiches.)
“Yeah, Kaz?” Matt smiles, his smile broad and unrestrained now. “Got another question for me?”
“Um…” Karen squints at the board. “Favourite line the Eleventh Doctor ever said?”
“Oh, wow, easy,” Matt says promptly, seeking and holding her eye contact. “Nothing is ever forgotten, not really. And if it can be remembered it can come back.”
Karen stares at him then. This is coming dangerously close to crossing the line, now; the last time they were together, things were said. Things happened.
“And you, Kaz?” he smiles quickly, lightly; the moment passes, as it must, while the cameras roll on.
And yet.
And yet - the memory is there. It’s there in the looks they share, in the way his fingers just brush against hers when they go upstairs for a lunch break, it’s there when he finishes his water and she pours him another one unprompted.
It’s there when the interview ends, and they’re both standing outside in the cold, waiting for their cars.
“Listen…Kaz…” Matt nudges her gently. “What happened to us?”
“What do you mean, what happened to us?” she’s teasing gently, her eyes on the ground; this conversation can’t happen. “We did an interview, we had lunch, we came out here…”
“No, I mean -” He grabs her hand. “Us.”
“Shit, Matt are we - are we really going to do this now?” There are tears in her eyes; why are there tears in her eyes? It’s not like she isn’t over him and anyway, it’s too late.
“We… yeah,” he breathes, pulling her in closer. “We are. We have to, before we let another seven years happen.”
“But…” Karen forces herself to look up at him. “Matt. Listen. We - it wasn’t like I - it was you who -“
She breaks off, furious with herself for letting it get this far.
“I know, Karen, I know it was me, you think I don’t?” He’s speaking quickly, urgently; he sounds like he needs her to listen, and Karen is helpless against his wave of words. “You think I don’t regret it like mad? You think I haven’t picked up my hpone at least once or twice a week, every week, still , to ring you up and say, I’m sorry, I was stupid, I don’t know what I Was thinking, I’ve changed my mind, Karen Karen Karen I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I do want you, I do love you, and -“
Karen shakes her head weakly, backing away, pulling her hand out of his.”I can’t do this,” she says simply. I can’t listen to this. I don’t need this - all of this - back in my life, okay?”
“But Kaz-“
“I tried, Matt!” Karen snaps then, the anger that’s been bubbling for so long finally boiling over. “At least I tried to tell you, at least for me it was really obviously not just the perfect way to say goodbye between friiends, at least I openeed my mouth and goddam said something seven years ago.”
“I….” Matt opens his mouth to speak, and for a moment Karen is afraid she’s going to fall. But he just stands there, looking and looking at her - until she can’t stand it, and turns away.
With her heart in her mouth, Karen forces herself to take one step, and then another, and another. That’s all she can do. It’s all she’s been doing for the past seven years, and maybe it’s all she’ll ever do again. But it’s better than holding still, better than waiting for something that won’t ever come back, it’s better than trying to reclaim a past that never really existed.
She walks home, and doesn’t look back.