Forever in a state of waiting

[rosedrops]

so i took a little trip down memory lane and i want to just delete this whole journal, i am ashamed of the wanton little whore that i was and not only that but i put it all out there for everyone to see, i look back at the enteries and the comments and think man i must have been in a real bad spot, because now i can see that i did have a circle of friends that loved me , but i could not see that then.. i was so desperate for someone to love me that i was willing to take it from anywhere, i am really lucky that i didnt get pregnant or end up with a horrible std......anyways i have learned that sex is not love and that love may lead to sex, but rarely does sex lead to love... i want to tell everyone that am happily maried to my sweet brian(who was there all thru the r.j. drama), but i am not sure if that really is the case, brian has been home only three times in the last two years and after this last deployment i'm not really sure i even know him much anymore, i'm hooping that when he comes home and we get to be a "real" married couple that things work out ...i'm not going to give up, but i would be lying if i said i wasnt worried, he will be back from iraq in about 3 weeks but wont be home for another month and a half or so...and even then it will only be for 3weeeks since he is staioned in louisanna... do you think it is possible to be in love with two people at once?? or do you think that each person has a differnt kind of love that you give them, and if so how do you know which love is the right love?? or what if there isnt really a right love then what do you do....do you just walk around knowing that part of yourself is gone ..off to endure of journey that you cant participate in?? i took a suicde prevention class today.....and i looked back at these entries and man alot of them were a cry for help, i think that if i hadnt been so afraid of shaming my mother anymore than i already had i mighht have done it, but who knows.....of course i am glad that i didnt because nno matter how hard life seems at the moment it always passes and then new challenges arise.....all i can say about my mental and emotional state right now is that i really needed this journal and shit its confusing but i got a daughter that i have to be there for so i gotta figure out what the "right" thing is and do it...right?? anyways TANK if you ever get to reading this i love you so very much
Amanda
p.s im not really a bad speller, just a shitty typer to too lazy tonight to go back and fix shit