Bedtime Stories and Circus Tales (Of Those We Lost in the Night) [2/2]

[rosedae]

05. When We’re Young We Can Fly (But We Trip on Clouds ‘Cause We Get too High) (June 1935)

There were many nights where I would wake up in a new place; a new town that we would camp out in for the next few days or so. And then there were some nights where I would wake up in a bed that wasn’t mine, with Yixin’s arms wrapped protectively around me or her body on top of mine placing soft kisses over my face. It was an evening in June when I woke up to the latter. “Good morning,” she said.

“I think you mean good night,” I said, still half asleep. She leaned down and giggled into my neck before rolling off me.

“Lu Hua says she has something to show us.”

“And what’s that?” I hummed.

“I don’t know,” she said. “But I think we’re about to find out.”

“Stop kissing I’m coming in!” Lu Hua called from outside the tent at that moment. Knowing when Lu Hua was around was like a sixth sense to Yixin. She didn’t wait for a response before letting herself in. “I want you guys to see it first,” she said. “Come on!” She was smiling widely and bouncing lightly.

We got up begrudgingly. Lu Hua had woken us up earlier than the rest of the circus to get the first look at what she had been working on since earlier in the afternoon. She led us out into the yard where several of the side spectacle tents were still up. Over excited, she was several steps ahead of us and arrived at the tent first. She continued to bounce in place as she waited for us to approach. She was first in the tent too, running to the middle and spinning around with her arms in the air. The tent was a lot bigger on the inside than it looked from the outside. “Winter!” She said. “In summer!”

The temperature inside the tent was no different from the temperature outside, but small white snowflakes fell around us. A path cut through the snow that covered the floor to prevent visitors’ feet from getting cold and wet. “Go ahead,” Lu Hua said excitedly, gesturing to the snow around us. “Touch it!”

Yixin and I bent down to touch the snow on the ground. “It’s cold,” I said.

“It’s real snow,” Yixin said amazed, picking up a handful and bringing it to her mouth. She took a bite and smiled. “You’ve got it perfect!”

Lu Hua nodded enthusiastically. “Come here,” she said. “There’s more.” At the center of the tent, the main path broke off into a smaller path to the left, which she turned down. We followed her and tall flowers made of ice sprouted up from the ground next to us. Each one reached up to about my waist.

“Ice flowers?” I asked, and Lu Hua gave another enthusiastic nod.

“You can pick them,” she said, so Yixin and I both reached down to pick one. The ice was cold, but instantly melted into our hands, transforming into a real flower. I held a large yellow gerbera daisy in my hand and Yixin held a purple one. A new ice flower sprouted up quickly from the spot we had picked ours from.

“Oh wow!” Yixin exclaimed, quickly reaching down to pick several more. They transformed into different coloured daisies in her hands. When she had a full bunch of the tall flowers in her hands, she turned around and offered them to me. “For you,” she said sweetly. The snow continued to fall around us and she took several steps closer to me. I took them from her and buried my nose into the flowers.

“They even smell good,” I said. “Thank you Yixin, they’re beautiful.”

“Hey I made those,” Lu Hua said, but she was ignored when Yixin closed the distance between us and leaned in for a quick kiss.

“Not as beautiful as you,” she whispered, before kissing me again.

“Ok I didn’t make this so you two could be gross in here. Get out of my tent!” Lu Hua said, pulling us apart.

“I’m going to run to the showers before anyone else gets them. Come get me later when you need your hair done,” I said to Yixin. “And thanks again for the flowers.” Then I turned to Lu Hua. “This is great, really. I’m sure visitors will love it.”

“Thank you!” Lu Hua said, with a clap of her hands. “I think it’s my best so far!”

🎪

It wasn’t more than a day later when Lu Hua stood outside a different tent, surprised and a bit angry. “Who did this?” She yelled. “Was it you?” She asked, pointing to Sehee as she walked past.

“Why are you talking to me?” Sehee asked, unamused before continuing on her way. Lu Hua let out a loud groan.

“What’s going on?” I asked when Yixin and I walked up to her.

Lu Hua groaned again and draped herself dramatically over her best friend. “Yixin,” she said. “Why do I feel like someone is out to get me? Like everything I do they have to do one better?”

“What’s in the tent?” Yixin asked.

“See for yourself,” she said, pulling back and waving a dramatic hand towards the tent she was now unable to look directly at.

As we entered, the twins were making their way out. “A cloud maze,” Jongdae said.

“Pretty swell,” Baekhee said. She lowered a hand between them and Jongdae low fived her. They grinned and walked out.
The entire floor of the tent was white and fluffy, but we were still able to walk on it. It felt like we were walking on clouds that we couldn’t fall through. In the center of the room, the clouds went up from the floor in different platforms that moved slowly from side to side. They wound high into another layer of clouds that spread out across the ceiling. The top of the tent was non-existent from the bottom looking up. Not only were we able to walk on the clouds, but they also had some bounce to them. Yixin went first, bouncing across the cloud floor with ease. She moved easily through the air just as she did for her trapeze acts. I struggled to move as easily as she did, but she waited at the center for me to catch up.

“It doesn’t look much like a maze,” I said.

Yixin looked up and then back to me. “You don’t think we can get lost up there?” Then she jumped up to one of the first platforms. “Let’s go!” She called excitedly, waving me up. Less elegantly, I grabbed the platform and pulled myself up onto it. “Let’s jump to that one together,” she said, taking my hand and pointing up to one of the moving platforms with her free hand.

“But it’s moving,” I said. “I’m not as light on my feet as you, I can’t fly.”

“Neither can I!” She said excitedly. “Jump!” I did, and we bounced up to the moving platform. I was unsteady on the landing but Yixin made sure I didn’t fall. The clouds moved out around us as the maze now went sideways as well as up. They formed narrow pathways around us and Yixin pulled me into one. We walked for a bit before we hit a dead end and had to turn back to a different cloud path. Two or three times, Yixin forwent going back, and instead just jumped up onto a platform above us. They continued to move, gradually changing the upward path.

“How are we supposed to get down?” I asked after we had maneuvered the pathways and climbed higher for a while.

“You jump!” We heard Jongdae call. “And do it quick because Yixin needs to get ready for tonight’s show!”

We stepped to the edge of the platform and looked down. “Jongdae?” I called. All I could see beneath us were thick clouds of white.

“Yeah!” He called back. “I’m down here! Just jump, you’ll be fine, trust me!”

I looked to Yixin, unconvinced, but she was the opposite. “Ready?” She asked.

“No?” I said, appalled.

“Don’t worry,” she said, stepping in towards me. “I’ve still got you.” She raised our clasped hands to prove her point. Then she leaned in for a quick kiss. “I’ve always got you.” She stole another kiss then tugged me towards the edge. I jumped when she did, and we fell through the clouds at an even pace. It tickled a little, falling through them, but it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be, and we landed with a small bounce on the cloud floor.

“How was it?” He asked with a smile. “I heard it was pretty cool.”

“It was,” Yixin agreed. “Do you by chance know who made this?”

Jongdae shook his head. “That would ruin the fun,” he said with a grin.

06. All I Want is What I Had (April 1936)
April of 1936 marked my two year anniversary with the circus, and Yixin presented me with a special cake that she and Lu Hua had conjured up together. Jongdae and Baekhee were there to celebrate as well. “Congratulations on making the best decision of your life!” Baekhee said, throwing up pieces of confetti that Jongdae had made for her earlier. I smiled and thanked them but felt distracted throughout that entire night. It had hit me then that it really had been two years already since I had left home. I had grown closer to Yixin, even fallen in love with her despite still having failed to tell her, and Jongdae, Baekhee, and I had become almost inseparable during tent set up and take down as well as meals. Baekhee and I had begun showering together a year before in order to avoid the lineup of men also waiting.

This is my family, Yixin had said before, and those words occupied my mind. I wondered if this was my family too. Would I always be at the circus? Would all of us always be here together? How long was it actually going to last? The circus was all Yixin knew, it was all she could remember. But I had known my parents, even if I hadn’t known my father well, and both were taken too soon and too suddenly. If that family couldn’t last, how could this one?

I went back with the twins to our shared tent that night instead of staying with Yixin like she had suggested.

“Hey Navy Wife.” Baekhee pulled me from my thoughts with a call of her old nickname for me. “You good?” She asked.

“I’m fine, why?”

She shrugged. “You just seem a bit off.”

(November 1936)
Winter came in fast and hard that year. The temperature dropped quickly and it would only drop more before it went back up again in the spring. It was harder to work in the deep snow, but the show must go on. The hard work kept us warm enough in the evening, but it was harder to pass the time during the nights when darkness fell as fast as the temperature. Jongdae kept our tent and the running water warm and he always made sure Baekhee and I had a sweater or jacket on, but I missed having a permanent home. One that was always warm and protected me from the blowing snow and brutal winds. One I didn’t have to worry about collapsing in on me even though no tent ever did. One with a fireplace you could sit in front of all day with a book. No need to go outside. One with an actual family.

“Something is bothering you,” Yixin whispered into my ear one night. Her body provided warmth against mine as the wind howled outside.

“No,” I said. “I’m fine.”

Yixin sighed. “In two years I have come to know you well enough to know when something is bothering you Minseon. You can’t lie to me.”

“What is a family?” I asked quietly after much hesitation.

“Family? They’re the people you care about most in the world. The ones who will be by your side through anything, and they don’t have to be related by blood. Lu Hua is my family, all the artists are. Jongdae and Baekhee too. They’re the ones who stay when others leave. Even Tao, he raised me and gave me a home. That’s a family to me. And you,” she added after. “I love you. And I know I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again just as long as you always know it. I love you.”

“I know,” I said, snuggling closer into her. I still hadn’t said it back, I don’t know what was stopping me, but I couldn’t quite do it yet.

“Thanks,” I whispered into the night.

🎪

It was about two weeks later when Jongdae woke me up early. He held a finger up to his lips, silently telling me to stay quiet, and nodded towards a sleeping Baekhee. I got up quietly and followed him out the tent.

“We have something for you,” he said once outside. The early evening air was calm and the sun was shining. It was a beautiful day compared to most we had been having that winter, but the temperature was still low.

“What’s the occasion?” I asked. Jongdae shook his head.

“Just because we love you,” he said. “Just because you’re family.” I stared at his back as he walked in front of me. He led me to a side tent that hadn’t been there when I had gone to bed. Lu Hua stood outside, looking incredibly sleepy, but she managed a smile anyways.

“If Yixin loves you, then so do I,” she said and pulled me in for a hug.

“What’s going on?” I asked, starting to become concerned. Jongdae pushed aside the tent entrance and gestured for me to go in first.

The inside of the tent was narrower than it appeared from the outside and was one long hallway. Lining the walls were full sized mirrors. Yixin stood in the middle, her reflections staring back at her. She smiled. “I have something for you,” she said. “Because I want you to be happy always.”

“I am happy,” I said, walking towards her. “Yixin, what’s going on?”

“After a few trial and errors we’ve managed to get this to work,” Jongdae said, standing next to a mirror. “Check this out.” I walked towards the mirror and noticed that my reflection was different. My hair was short again and it was curled nicely. In the mirror, I was wearing an ankle length blue dress, almost identical to the one I wore for my second visit to the circus. There was not a speck of dirt on me. It wasn’t me I was looking at.

“This is…” My voice trailed off as I reached forward slowly. My fingers came in contact with the mirror, but continued to slip through. I pulled my hand back instantly. “What is this?”

“You want a family again, right?” Yixin asked. “I’m going to give it to you.” She smiled sadly, then she gave me a light push forward. “Step through,” she said.

“If, by chance, you find you want to come back to us, you’ll find the way,” Jongdae said. Yixin took a deep breath behind me, then gave me one hard shove forward.

(Unknown 19??)
He was there, smiling at me fondly. He probably always did, but I couldn’t remember that smile. The house looked like always had, not a thing out of place.

“Hey kid,” he said. His voice was deep and he towered over me. He brought a hand down and ruffled my hair.

“Welcome home!” A voice called from the kitchen.

He looked towards the kitchen and smiled when my mother appeared in the doorway. Her brown hair had probably just been removed from its bun so it could frame her face in a pretty way. “Junmi, my love,” he cooed. “You always look so gorgeous, and dinner smells delicious.”

“Dad?” I asked, but my voice didn’t sound like it belonged to me.

He turned to me with that smile, always the same smiled. “Yeah kiddo?”

“What day is it?” I asked.

He spoke, but his words came out fast and slurred and I couldn’t understood what he said.

“I can’t understand,” I said, but he was already sweeping my mother into his arms and kissing her. I moved into the kitchen. There was always a calendar on the wall, and it was there then too. But when I tried to read the month and year, they were smudged completely. I flipped it to the next page and was able to read at least the year there. 19?? was what it said.

We sat around the table for dinner, my mother and father talking and laughing animatedly. The food had no taste, but they seemed to enjoy it.

“Honey, business is booming!” My father exclaimed. “This economy has been so good since the war ended!” The war had already ended, but my father sat next to me at the dinner table, which meant that he had come back alive. But no one can bring back the dead. I realized very quickly that this wasn’t a family, it only looked like one. Still, my heart felt warm when my father kissed my forehead and tucked me in to bed that night.

I woke up the next day to my mother screaming. “Why did you leave?” She yelled.

“I came back, didn’t I?” I heard my father’s voice say.

“No,” my mother sobbed. “This isn’t you, you’re not the same.” I got out of my bed and walked into the living room.

“Good morning,” I said, and my father visibly flinched.

“Oh,” he said. “It’s just you.”

“You’re always scared,” my mother said. “Why are you always scared? Why do you cry at night when I’m right there next to you? Why do you wake up screaming?”

“You have no idea what I’ve been through, Junmi. You can’t understand.”

“I went years without you! Worrying that you might not come back! I raised this child by myself!”

“You don’t get it Junmi!” My father yelled, and my mother shut her mouth.

“You are so different now,” she said quietly before walking out of the room. My father ran a hand through his hair and sighed.
Later in the day they fought about which flowers should be planted in the garden in spring. Then they fought about whether or not the fence needed a touch up on the paint. Had they always fought so much over small things?

No one spoke that night at dinner.

After I woke up the next morning, the radio report came in about the stocks crashing. My parents smiled like nothing was wrong, but that night, they fought again.

The money went quickly, time was moving too fast. It was the very next day that I found my mother crying in the kitchen. “I’m so sorry,” she cried, falling to her knees in front of me and grabbing the hem of my dress. “We have no food.” My father sat in the other room quietly staring at nothing in particular. He was having trouble functioning, every loud noise scared him, and the silence wasn’t much better. My parents were falling apart, even though the family was still physically together. I realized in those few days how empty my bed felt without Yixin, and how I missed Jongdae and Baekhee bickering before they fell alseep on the nights I was in our tent. This home was so big that it felt empty. This wasn’t the family I wanted, my parents were in too much pain. They didn’t have to live this way, they shouldn’t have to live this way. It took me two hours and a lot of tears to fall asleep that night. I want to go home, I thought. Because although it was my house and my parents were there, it wasn’t home. It was shattered glass someone had tried to tape back together.

When I entered the kitchen the next morning, I saw a flyer on the table.

The Ringling Bros.
See the greatest show on Earth!
2 days only!

“The circus is in town,” my mother said from the doorway.

“I’m going to go,” I told her, and she nodded.

Quickly, I got dressed and went outside, running down the street to where the tents were set up.

If, by chance, you want to come back, you’ll find a way. Running excitedly past the unmanned admission gate. There were lots of people around and several tents. After some looking around, I found one named Hall of Mirrors and I knew that was the one. I went in quickly, Yixin’s voice, face, and fairy like trapeze jumps flooding my thoughts. “I’m coming home,” I said quietly to myself.
The inside of the tent was not fancily done, and it was the same size inside as it was on the outside. The mirrors took different shapes in order to make you look different sizes. There was no magic involved, but there was one flat mirror that was a bit different. When I looked at my reflection, my hair was longer and pulled back in a messy ponytail. I was wearing one of Jongdae’s sweaters and a pair of jeans that were covered in dirt stains. When I reached forward to touch the glass, my fingers slipped through. I took a deep breath and walked through the mirror.

(November 1936)
Yixin was sitting on the floor of the tent. She looked up at me with wide eyes. “You’re back,” she said in disbelief. “You’re back!” She said again, this time with excited laughter. She jumped up and ran towards me. “But why? Why did you-” She spoke quickly and was waving her hands excitedly. I grabbed her wrists to calm her down, entwining our fingers and stepping closer.

“Family doesn’t have to mean blood,” I said. “This is it, this is a family. And you’re my girlfriend. And I love you. And I never want to be without you again.”

A wide smile broke across her face and she leaned in quickly for one, two, three kisses. “I love you too, but you knew that already.” I leaned up to kiss her again.

“Oh my god!” Lu Hua’s yelling broke us apart. “Minseon!” Jongdae appeared next, followed by an ecstatic Baekhee who ran straight towards me for a crushing hug.

“Minseon,” she cooed, rubbing her face into my neck. “I missed you. It’s so hard working with all boys again. I was used to having a girl around.”

“How long was I gone?” I asked.

“A few days,” Jongdae said. “But don’t worry, you haven’t missed much.”

07. My Love Will Protect You and Never Let Go (March 1937)
Yixin, although captivating, fascinating and full of mysterious and magical surprises, was still human, and sometimes humans slip.

It was still cold in March, and Jongdae, Baekhee, and I sat around a fire while the artists went through their pre-show rehearsal. The twins sang Fred Astaire songs and I listened along, swaying back and forth. The sun had already set and the fire kept us warm as the temperature slowly started to drop for the night. We had already finished eating and were taking some time to ourselves after getting everything ready for the show that night. It was calming, and one of my favourite ways to spend our free time.
Jongdae’s verse was interrupted by Chanmi running out of the big top and calling for a doctor. “Please!” She cried. “Someone needs to run into town for a doctor!”

Jongdae stood up immediately. “What’s going on?” He asked.

“It’s Yixin. She fell.”

“What do you mean she fell?” I asked.

“Off the trapeze!” Chanmi’s hands flailed wildly. “The jump, she missed or slipped or something but she fell.”

That’s impossible, I thought. Yixin couldn’t fall even if she tried. But Jongdae was off, running towards the big top with Baekhee jumping up and stumbling behind him. Chanmi disappeared back into the tent.

It took a moment, but I stood up and made my way slowly to the tent, afraid of what I might see when I got inside. I was pretty sure that most nights, there was no net under them when they jumped. It added to the effect and the thrill of danger. Yixin would have fallen straight to the ground. I walked into the tent as Jongdae was moving people away.

“Alright, alright,” he said. “Back up everyone give her some space.” The crowd cleared a bit, giving me a straight view of Jongdae bending down by Yixin’s body, crumpled up on the floor. Lu Hua was there, with a hand over her mouth and fear in her eyes. Sehee was there too, having rushed down from her platform. She was crying, choking back sobs and trying to tell Jongdae what happened.
“She didn’t even reach me,” she choked out. “She was falling before I could catch her.”

It was the only time in her life Yixin fell from the trapeze, and I realized that she was still human, no matter how special of one she may be. Her illusion broke, along with several of her bones.

That night was also the second time I saw Tao. He sauntered into the tent, hat tipped low as always. He moved smoothly towards Yixin, and Jongdae stood up and moved away. Tao crouched down where Jongdae had just been, and then he spoke.

“My dear child,” he said. “It seems you have made a mistake. How very rare.” He ran a hand through her hair and rested it on her neck. “But you have been saved,” he mused, moving his hand to run it across the floor. Then he looked up at the crowd. “Who did this?” He asked.

Lu Hua took a step forward. “I couldn’t catch her,” she said, head bowed. “It was the best I could do in a split second.”

Tao picked Yixin up and rose to his feet. “You have saved her life,” he said. “She is forever indebted to you, but I will take it from here.” He made his way back towards the entrance of the tent, an unconscious Yixin in his arms, and stopped next to me. “Go to her tent tomorrow evening,” he said. “She will like that. Although I cannot understand why.” He didn’t look at me as he spoke, and continued out of the tent immediately afterwards. Although he had been alive for so long, there was a lot about people he continued to not understand.

Lu Hua let out a breath once Tao exited the tent and Jongdae made his way over to her. “Hey,” he said, giving her shoulder a squeeze. “You did well.”

“Thanks,” she said, lightly punching his arm.

Lu Hua, Jongdae revealed later, had quickly and successfully altered the minerals in the ground to give Yixin a softer landing. It couldn’t protect her completely, but it did serve its purpose in protecting her life.

The next evening after waking up I went straight to Yixin’s tent. She was sitting up in her bed, and she smiled at me when I walked in. Her left wrist and hand and left ankle were in casts. “I don’t know what happened,” she said before I could say anything. “I really don’t know. I’m not allowed to jump for a while though. Sehee will have to do it herself.”

“You scared me,” I said, my voice barely more than a whisper. I moved to sit down on the bed next to her. “Seeing you on the ground like that. That was the most terrified I’ve been in my life.”

“I scared me too,” she said, and then she started to cry. I sat holding her until all the tears stopped.

Not more than a month later, she was back on the trapeze.

08. An Elephant Named Rosalia (August 1938)
Lu Hua was always the happiest when she was with her animals. The horses, monkeys, and lion made her happier than anything. But there was one thing she always felt like she was missing.

“I want an elephant,” she would sigh wistfully some days. “I really want an elephant.”

“I’m so sad I wasn’t alive to see Jumbo when he was alive,” she would say other days. “That was so sad. He must have been so beautiful.”

Sometimes, she would stare out into nothing.

August of 1938 was still hot and the days were often sunny, even though they were slowly getting shorter. August also meant that we had less than a year left, but no one knew it at the time. Nothing was wrong at that time. In fact, everything was going right. Towns we stopped in seemed to be doing better in the later years of the 30s than they had in the beginning. People seemed happier. Yixin’s trapeze acts were better than they had been before her fall more than a year before, and she hadn’t slipped since despite the increased difficulty of her and Sehee’s routine.

“Minseon,” Yixin whispered in my ear one night. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I rolled over to look at her. “I want to marry you.”

“You know we can’t.” Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn’t tell if they were happy or sad tears. Maybe they were a bit of both.

“Promise me then, just between the two of us.” She pulled a thin silver ring out from underneath her pillow. I nodded and the tears threatened to fall. “Til death do us part?”

“Til death do us part,” I promised, and she slipped the ring onto my finger and pulled me in for a kiss.

There are all kinds of love, and you could find examples of all of them in that circus. There’s best friend love, between Yixin and LuHua, sibling love, between Jongdae and Baekhee, love of animals with Lu Hua, and romantic love, between Yixin and I. But we weren’t the only ones.

Lu Hua was always up before everyone else. She slipped quietly out of her tent to spend a couple hours in the menagerie with her animals before everyone else started their day. Feeding them, brushing the horses, playing with the monkeys and cooing at Sébastien. She had fallen asleep next to the lion in his den before and was the only human I’ve ever met who was able to do so. Jongdae, in his years of working there, had a few close calls with that lion.

It was an early evening in August, when we woke up to Lu Hua screaming. Yixin jumped out of the bed immediately, and I followed soon after her. “What is this?” I heard Lu Hua scream.

Chanmi arrived at the menagerie the same time we did with a grumbling Kyungah trailing behind her. “This better be real fucking important,” she said. Yixin entered the menagerie first as Baekhee came running up.

“Lu Hua?” Yixin called as she entered the tent. “Is everything alright?” Her question was answered with another scream, which this time sounded joyful.

“I don’t know, I’m a little afraid to go in there,” Baekhee said. “That’s Lu Hua’s territory.” Then she looked at me with a grin. “Something you know well am I right Navy Wife?” I gave her a soft shove.

“Where the Hell did that thing come from?” I heard Yixin say from within the tent. “Lu Hua!”

“Well I don’t know!” Lu Hua was still screaming. Yixin popped her head out and looked directly at Baekhee.

“Where’s Jongdae?” She whispered sharply.

Baekhee shrugged. “I don’t know. He wasn’t in the tent when I woke up though.”

“You can all come in,” Yixin said next. I entered first, just in time to see Jongdae stepping out from behind a large elephant.

“Surprise,” he said with a shrug.

“Was this… was this you?” Lu Hua asked, looking between the elephant and Jongdae.

“Yeah,” he said. “There was a zoo in Spain that was shutting down and they had this elephant for sale. I know you been wanting one, so I got her. Her name is Rosalia.”

“Rosalia,” Lu Hua mused. “Rosalia! How pretty! Que bonita!” She cried with excitement.

“I’m going back to bed,” Kyungah grumbled behind me, and Chanmi followed her out with a large smile on her face. “Wow an elephant! Isn’t that great Kyungah? We’ve got an elephant in our circus now!” She was saying as they left together.

“My brother,” Baekhee said with a smile and a shake of her head. “Always so over the top.”

I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. The way he looked at her from where he stood, the corner of his lips turned up in a smile and his eyes watching her like he never wanted to look away. He always went to her when she called and did everything she asked even if it almost killed him just so she would be happy. That was all he needed to get out of it, just to see her smile. He didn’t need the hug she gave him, running forward and throwing herself into his arms. He didn’t need to feel her laughter in his neck where she buried her face. He didn’t need her legs wrapped around his hips but he held her like he couldn’t let go even if he tried.

“Oh,” I said. “He’s…”

“Yup,” Baekhee said.

“In love,” Yixin swooned.

“But we don’t meddle in things like that. Let him sort it out on his own. Maybe one day she’ll know.” Yixin and Baekhee made their way out of the tent and I followed closely behind, leaving Jongdae alone with Lu Hua.

There’s a certain kind of feeling you get when you hold the love of your life for the first time. It’s like you never want to let go. Like they were made to be right there in your arms for the rest of your life. It never grows old either. The feeling never goes away. I held Yixin close that evening when we went back to bed to try to get a bit more sleep and I wished that I could hold her forever. I thought that I could.

09. We All Fall Down (July 1939)
In 1885, Jumbo the elephant was killed in a train accident. The animals were being loaded into their car when an unscheduled freight train came roaring along the tracks towards him. Although the train tried to stop, it was unable to, and Jumbo was struck and killed in the accident. His trainer was inconsolable, but Jumbo saved the smaller elephant by taking the force of the blow. Jumbo was twenty four when he died and an international superstar.

In 1939, we were on the tracks again, heading towards the next town we would be stopping in. The weather was clear and warm and we were hitting the midday point when it happened. All the artists got their own sleeping car in the train, while the workers shared the one behind the last artist car. Behind the workers’ car were two equipment cars, and bringing up the rear were three cars for the animals. Rosalia took up the rear with Sébastien in front of her, then the monkeys and horses together behind the second equipment car.

“Sleep with me in my car,” Yixin whined cutely, pulling on my arm. I shrugged at the twins and gave them an apologetic look.

“Riding in luxury,” Baekhee said. “I see how it is.”

“I’ll see you guys when we arrive in the next town,” I said, waving goodbye to them and going with Yixin. “Rest well!”

I rode the train so often in those years that sometimes it still feels like I’m still on it when I lie down in bed at night. It was never really a smooth ride, but we always got where we needed to be.

We fell asleep that morning, and were awoken sometime just before noon by a loud bang and a sudden lurch of the train. The bed moved across the floor from the momentum of the sudden pulling stop.

“What was that?” I asked. “What’s going on?” Yixin looked scared.

“I don’t know,” she said. She got out of the bed and moved to the window, opening it and looking around. “Oh my god,” she said. “Oh my god, the back cars Minseon.” I quickly climbed out of the bed and ran to the window, knowing that the twins were in one of the further cars. I stuck my head out the window and looked towards the back of the train. The back cars had completely derailed and were thrown across the track. Chanmi jumped out of the car behind ours and Kyungah followed her while Sehee evacuated hers two more down. The last sleeping car behind Sehee’s was Lu Hua’s, but she wasn’t emerging from her car. We quickly opened our door and got out of Yixin’s car too. The workers’ car was fine and the first equipment car was only slightly off the rails, but the last three cars were the worst. “The animals,” Yixin said under her breath. “Oh no.” She linked her arm with mine and pulled in closer. The door to the workers car opened and Jongdae jumped out, not even bothering with the stairs.

“Lu Hua!” He shouted, running towards the destroyed and crumpled animal cars. Some of the horses whinnied and the monkeys screeched. Rosalia’s car was on its side completely and the wood was broken in. She was hard to see in the rubble. It was the same with Sébastien’s car. The lion was barely visible and unmoving. There was splintered wood everywhere. The equipment car was also crumpled, some of the tents and pegs visible on the tracks. Two monkeys climbed out of their car.

“Lu Hua!” Jongdae called again, running to the wreckage. “Answer me and I promise I’ll find you! Answer me and I’ll get you out!”

“What?” Yixin’s grip on my arm loosened. “No, Lu Hua’s in her car. She’s fine. Her car is fine.” Yixin’s eyes were wide and she was shaking her head.

“Lu Hua! Come on! Sebastian needs you!” No one corrected Jongdae’s pronunciation of the lion’s name. “Lu Hua!” He cried again, climbing over the debris and into the lion’s tipped over car. He pulled at the wood, trying to get a way into the car.

That day was the third and last time I saw Tao. He appeared from behind, unheard as usual. He walked up to the wreckage and grabbed Jongdae, pulling him off and away from the crushed cars. “No!” Jongdae cried, struggling in Tao’s grasp. “She’s in there!” I looked next to me where Baekhee was now standing. She had a hand over her mouth and tears rolling down her cheeks. “Let me go!” Jongdae continued to yell and struggle as Tao pulled him farther away from the wreckage. “She’s still in there! She walked through our car less than an hour ago! She said she was going to see the animals! She’s in there!”

“I know,” Tao said, almost growling at him. He threw Jongdae to the side and Jongdae fell to his knees. He clenched his fists against his thighs and lowered his head.

“You know,” he said, much quieter.

“Of course I know. But you do not want to see her,” Tao said.

“Yes I do,” Jongdae said, raising his head. “I do, I can help her I can-”

“There is no heartbeat Jongdae!” Tao snapped, his façade falling. Jongdae’s breath visibly hitched and Yixin fell to the ground.

“I still want to see her,” Jongdae said with a dip of his head. His voice was so quiet it was barely audible. Baekhee cried harder.

“I cannot understand why,” Tao said.

“Yeah,” Jongdae scoffed. “There’s a lot you don’t understand about love.”

Yixin was on her hands and knees on the ground next to me, and I quickly lowered myself to her. I placed a hand on her shoulder and she pulled back to sit properly on the ground. “No,” she said, and she shook her head again. “No…” Her eyes stared ahead but she didn’t seem to be looking at anything.

“Please tell me I haven’t lost her. Please Minseon, I can’t have lost her. She saved my life once and I was supposed to protect her with mine. She’s my best friend, she’s my sister she’s-I saw her this morning! How could she be gone?”

The tears started to fall from my eyes and all I could do was pull Yixin into me. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so, so sorry.” Yixin crumpled in my arms and broke down completely.

Tao and most of the other workers helped Jongdae to pull Lu Hua out of Sébastien’s crushed car. The bars of the lion’s den had saved his life, but took Lu Hua’s. They left Jongdae with her, and moved next to try and get Rosalia out of her car. I took one look at the girl Jongdae held in his arms and was unable to look back. He ran a hand through her bloodied hair.

“I told you I’d get you out,” he said to her. “I’ve got you.” He rocked her back and forth, unaware that he was uncontrollably shaking. “I’ve always got you.”

There’s a certain kind of feeling you get when you hold the love of your life for the last time. We all feel it at some point. Knowing that you’re never going to hold them again stings more than anything else you’ve ever felt before. So you hold on tighter, but it only increases the pain. You always know when the last time comes, even if you’re unaware. You’ll feel it, that certain kind of feeling. Lu Hua was twenty five when she lost her life next to one of the animals she loved most in the world. Jongdae was just shy of twenty three and couldn’t shed a tear.

10. A Love Like That Ain’t Easily Forgot (August 1939)
Yixin was distant since the accident. Two of the horses broke their legs and three of the monkeys went missing. Sébastien appeared to have entered a depressive state and Rosalia was in serious condition. Veterinarians were running around Lu Hua’s menagerie which had been set up temporarily in the field by where the train derailed. The wrecked cars had been cleaned up, but we were camping out in the field until we could figure out how to go on. Yixin cried a lot, especially during the nights, which we were now sleeping through since we didn’t have the show. She often stared out into the distance and I couldn’t catch her attention no matter how much I tried. Some days it seemed that she had almost forgotten that I existed.

One morning I woke up alone, and got out of the bed quickly to look for Yixin. I found her outside, standing in front of a large tree with a twisted trunk and bare branches that hadn’t been there the night before. Hanging off one of its branches was a small lantern with a lit candle. She was staring up at the tree when I walked up beside her. “It’s a wishing tree,” she said, without looking at me. “You can wish for anything and it will come true.” She smiled at her creation.

“I just want you to be okay again,” I said. She acted like she hadn’t heard.

She was out there by the tree the next day too.

On the third day, Jongdae made a straight beeline for Yixin and the tree.

“Forget it Yixin, this isn’t going to work,” he said. “You can’t bring her back.”

“It’s the wishing tree Jongdae, anything you wish for will come true.”

“You can’t bring her back, Yixin!” It was the only time I had ever heard Jongdae raise his voice at Yixin. She turned her head slowly to look at Jongdae. “Get yourself together,” he said in a calmer voice. “You weren’t the only one who loved her.” Then he turned and saw me. “And she was not the only one who loves you,” he said softly. It was then that Yixin turned to face me and it was the first time she had really looked at me in days.

“Minseon,” she breathed, and the Wishing Tree went up in flames. Neither Yixin nor Jongdae flinched. “Oh, Minseon, I’m so sorry.” She ran for me and, throwing her arms around me tightly, held me close. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” she kept repeating.

She was with me that night, her mind and body handed over to me completely. She cried a little, but she was with me and she wanted to be mine. Her kisses were fervent and her hands were everywhere. She kept wanting one last touch, one last kiss, one last declaration of love. She kept wanting and she kept giving and somehow I knew. That feeling hit me hard and stabbed me through the heart. Somehow I knew that that was the last time I would be that close to Yixin, pressed against her skin tightly. Somehow I knew it was the last time I would hold her, so I held her in my arms all night. I held her as though it didn’t hurt.

The feeling was confirmed when I woke up the next morning alone. There was a note sitting on the pillow next to my head.

Minseon, it read. By the time you read this, I’ll probably already be on the boat. Lu Hua always wanted to go back to France. So Yixin went for her. I love you, and I hope you never doubted that and never will. I’ll come back, I promise. And if you’re willing to wait, I’m willing to look for you for the rest of my life in order to find you again. For now, I’m sorry. Love, Yixin.

I read the note over and over again before I heard Jongdae’s voice call from outside. “Minseon, can I come in?” He asked.

“Yes,” I managed to get out. He came in, giving me a sad look. “She left,” I said in disbelief. “She’s gone, she left.”

“Yeah,” Jongdae said, sitting down next to me.

“I don’t understand,” I breathed out, shaking my head. “We promised, til death do us part.”

“Maybe you should have specified whose death.” The words came out almost bitterly, but his face softened right after. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just-” He ran his hands over his face a few times and then through his hair. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” I said, pulling him in for a hug.

“I never told her,” he said into my shoulder, voice shaking. “She never knew.” It was the first and last time I saw Jongdae cry. It was one of the last times I saw him ever. The next day we got back on what was left of the train and stopped in the next town. From there, everyone said heartfelt goodbyes and went their separate ways. Only the twins and Kyungah and Chanmi remained together as pairs.

Epilogue: The Show Must Go On
“So you never saw her again?” I ask, intrigued.

“That’s right,” she replies, subconsciously twisting the silver ring still on her finger.

“Then how is that a happy ending?”

“If the accident hadn’t happened and Lu Hua was still alive, Yixin never would have run off to France. If she hadn’t run off, I never would have followed her.”

“You followed her to Europe?”

“I figured it couldn’t be that much crazier than joining a circus, so I ran after her. I never found her though. The boat arrived in England, and then I headed towards France. Several weeks later, Germany invaded Poland and England and France declared war. I was stuck in France for quite some time before I could get out. It was after one bombing that I found your mother. She was alone in the streets, crying, and no more than five years old. She had lost her whole family when the bomb had hit her house, and how she got out alive I’ll never know. I adopted her. She grew up well, and eventually met your father, and now we have you, Jongin. I don’t know where Yixin is, or even if she’s still alive, but I still got my happy ending. I got a beautiful and loving daughter, a strong and faithful son-in-law, and the most caring, passionate, and talented grandson anyone could ask for. I still got my family. I still got my happy ending.

“There’s a certain kind of feeling you get when you lose the love of your life. You feel a little more hollow inside, like you’re missing a piece of yourself, and maybe you are. But time doesn’t stop, and neither does your heart. I had five years with Yixin, and I’d gladly have five thousand more, but maybe she came into my life when I needed her most, when I could barely afford to eat and my home could be foreclosed any day. She gave me a family, and then, when I no longer needed her, she left.”

“Did you ever see any of them again?” I ask.

She smiles. “Life has a funny way of bringing people back to you,” she replies. “I got out of Europe and back here before the war ended. When I got back I got a job making munitions so I could properly support your mother. Chanmi and Kyungah happened to work in the exact same factory as me. Now that’s what I call a small world. ‘I’m good at blowing things up so I should be good at making things that are good at blowing things up, right?’ was what Chanmi said to me. We got closer in those years than we ever had at the circus. Even throughout the war, Kyungah held her classic look of straight black hair and painted red lips.

“It was Baekhee that surprised me the most though. It was in 1952 that I was selling my house, and I had had several viewings already that day. There was one more family who would be looking at the house that day. When I opened the door, I barely recognized her. Her hair was shorter and had been curled, something I had never seen her do. She had gotten bangs then too. She wore makeup and a white sundress, and had with her a husband and three kids. They were good kids, but incredibly loud. We had tea together and talked about all the years we had been separated. She told me about Jongdae. He had gone off to fight in the war, and he had come back alive. Several years later, he had gone to fight in the Korean War. That one, he didn’t come back from. But she had told me not to worry. ‘He’s not dead,’ she had said. ‘He’s just missing. If all those years he spent putting up with me couldn’t kill him, I don’t think anything can.’ She had smiled wide and it had made her seem so sure of herself. I couldn’t help but believe her. I still think that maybe he is still out there somewhere.”

We talk for a while more, until visiting hours end and I have to leave the retirement home. Although she told the stories often, it was the first time she had down with me to tell me the whole thing through in such detail.

It only takes me about ten minutes to get home and I open the door to my completely dark apartment. Flicking on the kitchen light I notice a slip of paper on my small table. Certain that it wasn’t there when I left to visit my grandmother, I pick it up and read it over.

The Night Bros. Circus
Back in town for 2 days only!
Come see The Greatest Show on Earth, after dark!
Prepare to be amazed!

Part 1