In the words of someone I admire: Cunting Hell...
Today has been fun so far. Mind, Body, and Wellness for musicians midterm was a huge sham mostly because of our ridiculous midterm exam but also party because I hate one of our two professors for that class. Its a difficult thing because one of them is my absolute favorite professor in the School of Music besides Dr. Pare and the other one is just... well a bitch.
I'm worried about the last few weeks and just everything that has gone wrong! Is it bad karma? Do I really deserve the whole concerto fiasco as well as a stolen instrument? Somehwere along the way I must have done something to deserve this which makes me feel like hell because these aren't your ordinary, every day disappointments!
And just when I was starting to feel good about everything and get over it all and keep going, something happens. Its so exhausting! These are the times when I feel like nothing matters and it would be ok for me to go home, put on my victoria's secret bright yellow, and pilled sweatpants and just collapse on the futon and turn on fucking tbs for the rest of my life. One thing is for sure, and that is that Spring Break cannot come soon enough for me now.
In my studying the actual material that was supposed to be on our mind body wellness midterm, I revisited a reading that we had been given early in the semester. Its entitled "Giving an A" and was written by Ben Zander a renowned conductor and cellist.
I have two very favorite passages from the article, the first one perfectly describes how I feel about my playing and what I do in orchestra every day:
"Not every conductor is capable of moving beyond his own agenda and his own predjudices to see how he supports or undermines the players' performance. Just before the oboist puts her reed to her lips for her big solo, she looks up at the conductor, and along with information about tempo, phrasing, shape, rhythm, color and the character of the music comes a message the includes a grade-and that, as much as anything else will determine how she plays".
The passage is written in that exact format, with the oboist being used as the example and with the oboist being a female. I can't tell you how happy I was to read this excerpt because I was finally able to see that someone understands how I feel every day! It was so relieving to know that YES someone in the world knows how it is to feel this way.
I have such a poor relationship with our orchestra conductor, I don't respect him, and I know he doesn't respect me. Yet, if he has made a nasty comment to me during a rehearsal, or on the side in passing, or at any time it completely affects the way that I play! If I feel like he hasn't given me an "A" then I don't deserve one---and I DO!!!
This article is all about the idea of "Giving an A" whether it is to your friend, your colleague, your significant other... anyone. It means that you have realized their full potential whether or not they have,therefore helping them feel confident enough to live up to it themselves. Leonardo Da Vinci described it as chipping away at the block of marble to reveal the masterpiece within and it was only a matter of releasing it.
What I have to do is realize that it doesn't matter whether or not I get an "A" from anyone but MYSELF.
I'm worried about the last few weeks and just everything that has gone wrong! Is it bad karma? Do I really deserve the whole concerto fiasco as well as a stolen instrument? Somehwere along the way I must have done something to deserve this which makes me feel like hell because these aren't your ordinary, every day disappointments!
And just when I was starting to feel good about everything and get over it all and keep going, something happens. Its so exhausting! These are the times when I feel like nothing matters and it would be ok for me to go home, put on my victoria's secret bright yellow, and pilled sweatpants and just collapse on the futon and turn on fucking tbs for the rest of my life. One thing is for sure, and that is that Spring Break cannot come soon enough for me now.
In my studying the actual material that was supposed to be on our mind body wellness midterm, I revisited a reading that we had been given early in the semester. Its entitled "Giving an A" and was written by Ben Zander a renowned conductor and cellist.
I have two very favorite passages from the article, the first one perfectly describes how I feel about my playing and what I do in orchestra every day:
"Not every conductor is capable of moving beyond his own agenda and his own predjudices to see how he supports or undermines the players' performance. Just before the oboist puts her reed to her lips for her big solo, she looks up at the conductor, and along with information about tempo, phrasing, shape, rhythm, color and the character of the music comes a message the includes a grade-and that, as much as anything else will determine how she plays".
The passage is written in that exact format, with the oboist being used as the example and with the oboist being a female. I can't tell you how happy I was to read this excerpt because I was finally able to see that someone understands how I feel every day! It was so relieving to know that YES someone in the world knows how it is to feel this way.
I have such a poor relationship with our orchestra conductor, I don't respect him, and I know he doesn't respect me. Yet, if he has made a nasty comment to me during a rehearsal, or on the side in passing, or at any time it completely affects the way that I play! If I feel like he hasn't given me an "A" then I don't deserve one---and I DO!!!
This article is all about the idea of "Giving an A" whether it is to your friend, your colleague, your significant other... anyone. It means that you have realized their full potential whether or not they have,therefore helping them feel confident enough to live up to it themselves. Leonardo Da Vinci described it as chipping away at the block of marble to reveal the masterpiece within and it was only a matter of releasing it.
What I have to do is realize that it doesn't matter whether or not I get an "A" from anyone but MYSELF.