I just realized...
How much I missed my LJ. It feels good to write out all my rambling thoughts. And that way no one else has to listen to them. I happen to know that I talk way too much, and that it's annoying. Hence, I write.
I have way too much work to do, and I have to plan next term's schedule, and pack everything up for storage before I leave. And this is all stressing me out muchly.
Things are sort of weird with Jonah. I don't know how to explain. Maybe we're just hitting that point at which we kind of have to start getting to see each other as we are, and not as we want to present ourselves. Like, you know, really getting to know each other. The start of a *real* relationship. This terrifies the shit out of me. I'm not sure I can do it. But I can but try. I really do care about him. I'm just scared shitless and have no idea what to expect, most of all from myself. But at the same time, we have so much fun together. He makes me layugh, and that's so fucking amazing. I feel so fucking happy just being with him, being around him. We have the most amazing conversations. I really don't want to fuck this up by....you know, being me. I'm so fucking scared shitless that he's going to realize that I'm sollipsistic and neurotic and arrogant and irrational and indecisive, and it's going to not be worth the effort anymore. And I don't want to lose him. But at the same time, I'm not sure that I have in me the necessary strength and maturity to handle what will come. I'm still so fragile and childish. Am I really ready for this? Can I handle the pain, the compromise, the give-and-take and heart-wrenching care for someone other than myself? Why do I hate being single so much, but then want so desperately to push away someone who clearly cares so much for me?
And I'm leaving soon, and then there's four months of emails and the occasional phone call. Can we really handle this, when everything's still so new and infirm? Are we going to grow closer through this, or will we come back in fall and realize we don't have as much in common as we thought? Sure, he says what I need to hear, now, but it's early yet. Sometimes it scares me more to hear those things.I feel like they can't be true, and we're both perpetuating a fantasy, and it has to end sooner or later.
Maybe I can't handle this. Maybe I'm too touchy and set in my ways. Maybe I don't even care that much, or I won't until he's suddenly not there anymore, and I'll wish by all that I hold dear that I hadn't been such a fucking idiot and let him get away. Maybe it's just all too much and I'm not ready for a real relationship.
Can I do this?
I have way too much work to do, and I have to plan next term's schedule, and pack everything up for storage before I leave. And this is all stressing me out muchly.
Things are sort of weird with Jonah. I don't know how to explain. Maybe we're just hitting that point at which we kind of have to start getting to see each other as we are, and not as we want to present ourselves. Like, you know, really getting to know each other. The start of a *real* relationship. This terrifies the shit out of me. I'm not sure I can do it. But I can but try. I really do care about him. I'm just scared shitless and have no idea what to expect, most of all from myself. But at the same time, we have so much fun together. He makes me layugh, and that's so fucking amazing. I feel so fucking happy just being with him, being around him. We have the most amazing conversations. I really don't want to fuck this up by....you know, being me. I'm so fucking scared shitless that he's going to realize that I'm sollipsistic and neurotic and arrogant and irrational and indecisive, and it's going to not be worth the effort anymore. And I don't want to lose him. But at the same time, I'm not sure that I have in me the necessary strength and maturity to handle what will come. I'm still so fragile and childish. Am I really ready for this? Can I handle the pain, the compromise, the give-and-take and heart-wrenching care for someone other than myself? Why do I hate being single so much, but then want so desperately to push away someone who clearly cares so much for me?
And I'm leaving soon, and then there's four months of emails and the occasional phone call. Can we really handle this, when everything's still so new and infirm? Are we going to grow closer through this, or will we come back in fall and realize we don't have as much in common as we thought? Sure, he says what I need to hear, now, but it's early yet. Sometimes it scares me more to hear those things.I feel like they can't be true, and we're both perpetuating a fantasy, and it has to end sooner or later.
Maybe I can't handle this. Maybe I'm too touchy and set in my ways. Maybe I don't even care that much, or I won't until he's suddenly not there anymore, and I'll wish by all that I hold dear that I hadn't been such a fucking idiot and let him get away. Maybe it's just all too much and I'm not ready for a real relationship.
Can I do this?