～ New Year ～
Written on: December 31st, 2007 - January 1st, 2008
Word count: 782 words.
~ New Year ~
I sip my now-not-too-hot coffee latte and stare at the television. It is 11.45 pm, December the 31st. In fifteen minutes I will be hearing the new-year countdown from the party my neighbor is throwing next door. I can already hear the noisy fireworks and the loud music blaring nonstop since sunset, and I’m sure after the countdown they will not turn the sound down, so it doesn’t matter whether the year turns into new or not-people have parties only because they need a reason to have fun.
What’s the meaning of new-year anyway? It’s only a change of digit, something you have to put into your mind every time you write an entry in your diary-a “6” instead of “5”, a “2” instead of “1”. My life doesn’t change just because the last digit of the year changed. The earth still rotates, nothing changes.
A girl with an extravagant dress reminiscent of a ballerina’s tutu is singing a song I don’t know and I don’t care to know, so I reach for the remote and change the channel. Here and there, everyone’s celebrating new-year. Bands trying to impress their fans. Singers competing who can hold their breath the longest. Action movies. Love stories. I switch the television off.
Leaving me with the cold cube. A thin layer of dust covers it, as if to remind me that I have to clean it before it gets thicker. I take a piece of tissue and walk to the television, starting to wipe it. A convex-shaped me stares through the glass, mimicking my every gesture. After the surface is clean enough to reflect the reflection of my eyes, I sit back on the couch and take a sip of my room-temperature coffee latte.
It’s you. I can see you. I know you’ll come at this time of year.
You look at me but you say nothing. I know what you’re thinking about. You’re thinking about what a coward I am, deep down in my heart I’m refusing to see you every time you come to me. I know that. I realize that.
You know that too, that’s why you don’t falter. You know that I’m here because I want to meet you although I’m afraid to.
You’re everything I’m afraid of, everything I hate. Everything I want to forget about, everything I’m trying to avoid. But there are sides of you that I adore, that I remember with a smile, sides of you that I want to keep in my heart forever, something that always gives me courage. You’re my lover, and also my enemy.
I can hear the sounds of fireworks, small ones, from next door. In no time I’ll hear the countdown.
You’re still there in front of me. You want me to always remember you.
But what for? The skeptical side of my mind shouts. You are best left behind at the back of my mind. You will only make me feel negative and pessimistic. No, you say. Remembering you can make me stronger too, reminding me of my failure so that I can move on and avoid another one.
Really, I say. But with the wrong way of reminding, you can only worsen my spirit. I’ll think only of my weakness and too scared to step further.
That’s where I’m wrong, you say. I’m just searching for a reason to forget about you, but I’m forgetting that you’re not only bad things. There are good things in you too that will help me conquer the bad things.
You’re here to help me, you assure me. You’re here to make a new, better me. You’re my power, not my weakness.
I stare at you and blink. You do the same, in your eyes I can see the light. But then I realize that the light is in my eyes too.
Why do I always need you to come and help me in this time of the year? No, not only in this kind of time, you always show up when I’m in the middle of an unbelievably high cliff where I can’t see the bottom, to save me from my mind’s own maze of fear and anxiety. Why? Why do you need to save me?
You smile.
Or is it me who’s smiling?
I turn from the television tube to my now-already-cold coffee latte and decide not to drink it anymore. The sound of people counting from ten from the backyard next door signals that the new-year is going to settle in. I face you again and try to remember what you always say to me now and then.
Because you're my past, and you make me my future.
~*~
Word count: 782 words.
~ New Year ~
I sip my now-not-too-hot coffee latte and stare at the television. It is 11.45 pm, December the 31st. In fifteen minutes I will be hearing the new-year countdown from the party my neighbor is throwing next door. I can already hear the noisy fireworks and the loud music blaring nonstop since sunset, and I’m sure after the countdown they will not turn the sound down, so it doesn’t matter whether the year turns into new or not-people have parties only because they need a reason to have fun.
What’s the meaning of new-year anyway? It’s only a change of digit, something you have to put into your mind every time you write an entry in your diary-a “6” instead of “5”, a “2” instead of “1”. My life doesn’t change just because the last digit of the year changed. The earth still rotates, nothing changes.
A girl with an extravagant dress reminiscent of a ballerina’s tutu is singing a song I don’t know and I don’t care to know, so I reach for the remote and change the channel. Here and there, everyone’s celebrating new-year. Bands trying to impress their fans. Singers competing who can hold their breath the longest. Action movies. Love stories. I switch the television off.
Leaving me with the cold cube. A thin layer of dust covers it, as if to remind me that I have to clean it before it gets thicker. I take a piece of tissue and walk to the television, starting to wipe it. A convex-shaped me stares through the glass, mimicking my every gesture. After the surface is clean enough to reflect the reflection of my eyes, I sit back on the couch and take a sip of my room-temperature coffee latte.
It’s you. I can see you. I know you’ll come at this time of year.
You look at me but you say nothing. I know what you’re thinking about. You’re thinking about what a coward I am, deep down in my heart I’m refusing to see you every time you come to me. I know that. I realize that.
You know that too, that’s why you don’t falter. You know that I’m here because I want to meet you although I’m afraid to.
You’re everything I’m afraid of, everything I hate. Everything I want to forget about, everything I’m trying to avoid. But there are sides of you that I adore, that I remember with a smile, sides of you that I want to keep in my heart forever, something that always gives me courage. You’re my lover, and also my enemy.
I can hear the sounds of fireworks, small ones, from next door. In no time I’ll hear the countdown.
You’re still there in front of me. You want me to always remember you.
But what for? The skeptical side of my mind shouts. You are best left behind at the back of my mind. You will only make me feel negative and pessimistic. No, you say. Remembering you can make me stronger too, reminding me of my failure so that I can move on and avoid another one.
Really, I say. But with the wrong way of reminding, you can only worsen my spirit. I’ll think only of my weakness and too scared to step further.
That’s where I’m wrong, you say. I’m just searching for a reason to forget about you, but I’m forgetting that you’re not only bad things. There are good things in you too that will help me conquer the bad things.
You’re here to help me, you assure me. You’re here to make a new, better me. You’re my power, not my weakness.
I stare at you and blink. You do the same, in your eyes I can see the light. But then I realize that the light is in my eyes too.
Why do I always need you to come and help me in this time of the year? No, not only in this kind of time, you always show up when I’m in the middle of an unbelievably high cliff where I can’t see the bottom, to save me from my mind’s own maze of fear and anxiety. Why? Why do you need to save me?
You smile.
Or is it me who’s smiling?
I turn from the television tube to my now-already-cold coffee latte and decide not to drink it anymore. The sound of people counting from ten from the backyard next door signals that the new-year is going to settle in. I face you again and try to remember what you always say to me now and then.
Because you're my past, and you make me my future.
~*~