FIC: Pig Rectums and Other Ratings Grabbers, Adam/Jamie, PG-13
Title: Pig Rectums and Other Ratings Grabbers
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Mythbusters
Word count: ~2000
Pairing: Adam/Jamie
Summary: The Mythbusters are disgusted to learn that they have to do a mindless sex-themed show to boost their ratings. Adam and Jamie go above and beyond the call of duty.
A/N: This is a gift-fic for thescarletwoman. She mentioned the UST between Adam and Jamie, I threatened to do something about it, she dared me to follow through on my threat, and this is the result. Thank you to my patient (if somewhat horrified) gentleman caller for the beta!
DISCLAIMER: While this is based upon the show Mythbusters, the characters herein are FICTIONAL and bear no actual resemblance to the actions (that we know of) of any of the people who work on Mythbusters. This is a work of fiction and silliness, and I beg your indulgence and forgiveness for it.
The thing was, ratings were going down. Even for Discovery Channel, they were on a definite decline, and maybe that was to be expected after 4 solid years on the air. How many more myths could there be to bust? They'd done run-of-the-mill urban legends like the Five Second Rule and the bull in the china shop-- the first being far more interesting than the second, as far as Adam and Jamie were both concerned-- and they'd done blockbuster specials like Pirate myths and Super-hero myths. Hell, they'd debunked historical rumours, they'd debunked pseudoscientific fallacies... and to the best of their abilities, they'd remained empirical, if just a little over-the-top and quirky.
So maybe it was inevitable that the Suits who ran the network-- who, it had to be pointed out, didn't even watch Discovery, let alone hold any sort of non-Business/marketing/entertainment-oriented degrees-- would come up with their Bright Idea for "saving" Mythbusters.
"Sex?" Jamie said skeptically, reading over the memo Grant had just handed to him.
"Excellent," said Adam gleefully, rubbing his hands together.
"Not excellent at all," Jamie said, glaring. "What are we, the Fox Network? They want us to mindlessly pander to the masses-- masses who don't even know who we are. This isn't our demographic."
"And what is?" Adam asked, sitting himself down across from Jamie and propping his large, sneaker-clad feet up on the Mythbusters lunch table. "Geeks who can't even get a girl's phone number, let alone get laid?"
"Talking about yourself again, Adam?" Kari plopped herself down beside Grant and snatched the memo from Jamie. "Oh god, what is this shit? What are we, the Fox Network?"
Jamie buried his face in his hands, crushing his glasses against his brow. His voice came out muffled from behind his palms. "They want us to do a sex-themed show to buck up the ratings--"
"Heh, buck up," Adam snickered.
Jamie ignored him completely, prattling on, "Where's the scientific assessment in this? How can we possibly get our hands dirty in the lab or build anything interesting for a sex-themed show?"
Grant nodded. "True. Where is the educational value in this?"
"Where's the educational...? Are you guys crazy, or just robots who don't need sex?" Adam scoffed. "There are whole channels devoted to this stuff. Get your hands dirty? Jesus, Jamie, what better way is there to get your hands dirty?"
"Maybe I'm not interested because I'm getting enough sex already," Grant said lamely.
"Honestly, this could be interesting, depending on what angle we take here," Kari said, shooting Grant a pitying look. "I mean, think about what we could do."
"What, build a street corner and act like prostitutes?" Jamie asked, looking up at last through smudged lenses.
"How much do you think some lucky lady would pay for this ass?" Adam asked, in that tone of voice that said he wasn't exactly kidding.
"I don't think it'd be a lady buying your ass," Jamie said, making Grant blush.
"No, seriously. If the suits upstairs want sex, let's give it to them," Kari said. "Forget anything educational or scientific-- let's go for sex myths from movies."
"Yeah," Grant said, catching on. "They want us to pander? Let's pander and show them just how low we can go."
"Like the apple pie scene from American Pie," Kari enthused. "Let's get twenty teenaged boys who just lost their virginity, and get them to masturbate with apple pies to see if it feels the same."
"We could do the beach scene in From Here to Eternity and see how much sand you get up your crack," Adam chimed in.
"Why don't we see if we can get that crazy old sex lady from Canada as a guest star?" Grant asked.
"Sue Johannson? I know her!" Kari said. "She'd totally be up for consultation!"
"Why don't we do something about bestiality or threesomes, just to get more attention? Let's make them have to fucking censor this show," Adam said, slamming his fist on the table with excitement.
"Do I at least get to build something for this?" Jamie sighed, trying unsuccessfully to clean his glasses with his t-shirt, which was already stained with something oily from the lab.
Adam grinned at him, a grin that he didn't trust at all. "I know exactly what you can build."
~*~
"While Kari and Grant are busy running a brothel a la Risky Business to see if that much money can really be made in one night, that many prostitutes are actually that hot, and no neighbours complain for the duration of the experiment, Jamie and Adam get down to some risky business of their own with Buddy the dummy."
"I feel so dirty," Jamie sighed.
"Isn't this how Grant put himself through college?" Adam mused.
They were both staring at their life-sized wooden dummy, Buddy, who had been used in crash tests before, but never quite in a crash test like this. They were standing on a hillside, for verisimilitudic effect, Jamie clutching a cordless drill, Adam a pig rectum.
"For what we are about to do, may whatever cosmic muffin is up there forgive us," Jamie muttered, and he revved the drill, drowning out Adam's string of dirty puns. Without thinking twice about it, he plunged the drill into the dummy's backside, corkscrewing in and out until he had a hole about six inches deep and one inch across. Meanwhile, Adam wrapped some bright pink foam around the rectum, which was five inches long and looked like an empty sausage casing-- something that Adam had pointed out in the form of unforgivable innuendo.
"I still think we should have cut the rectum out of the pig ourselves," he complained, artfully stapling it all together. "Makes for better, bloodier TV."
"I don't know, the look the butcher gave us when we asked for as many pig anuses as he had was pretty good," Jamie said, dropping the drill and beginning the delicate task of applying super-glue to the fresh-made drill hole.
"If this special works out, you know what we could do?"
Jamie sighed and held his hand out. "What?"
Adam handed over the newly-minted virginal asshole. "Change the name of the show to Cherrybusters."
After several minutes of Jamie pelting Adam with the spare rectae while the two camera guys killed themselves laughing, they got the foam-covered one glue into place, and propped the dummy up on all fours.
"This is kind of humiliating for the dummy," Jamie said, frowning.
"Again, isn't this how Grant put himself through college? Here." Adam plucked a cowboy hat out of nowhere and sat it jauntily on Buddy's head. "Now for the fun part." He held a banana and a condom up with a flourish.
Jamie shook his head. "This is ridiculous. Latex isn't the same as skin. We'd be better off with an actual penis of some sort."
Adam motioned toward Buddy. "Be my guest."
Rolling his eyes, Jamie snatched both banana and condom away from him and, to the wolf whistles of the camera operators, had it ready to go in ten seconds.
"All right. We're here testing out the myth introduced in Brokeback Mountain, where Heath Ledger's character uses just a small amount of saliva as lubricant and then penetrates an otherwise unprepared Jake Gyllenhaal," Jamie intoned to the camera.
"Poor Buddy here is just as unprepared for the manly bulk of Jamie's banana," Adam added as Jamie spat in his hand, ran it over the banana's length twice, and then jammed it into the dummy's rectum. Adam helped out by doing the sound effects: a high-pitched shriek of pain.
"Yeah, that definitely didn't want to go in there," Jamie said, pushing his black beret up over his sweaty forehead. He moved the banana back and forth a few times. "I wish there was some way we could measure friction, because this feels like we could light a fire here."
"Are we ever," Adam snorted. Jamie pulled the banana out, and the pig rectum came out with it, inside out and ripped in three places.
"Ooooooh!" Adam shouted. "Pink sock! Oh, that's gotta hurt!"
"Look at that," Jamie said, his disgust with the whole process overcome momentarily by scientific curiosity. "The condom's ripped too. That had to hurt the Ledger character almost as much as the Gyllenhaal character."
"I think we can call this myth definitely busted," Adam said. "Especially the scene the next day when they're riding horses."
"Busted," Jamie agreed, and then he nodded to the camera men. "I think that's good, guys. You can go while we clean up."
A few minutes later, the rest of the rectae on ice and the sodomized dummy tucked away in Adam's truck (Adam's comment of "now I can ride in the carpool lane" studiously ignored by Jamie), the two of them discussed the problems with the experiment.
"I mean, it wasn't really skin-to-skin, for one thing," Jamie said.
"And we had no way of measuring the friction."
"Plus, I stapled that mother together. It could have been the staples that helped do the tearing, not just the lack of lubrication."
"Definitely not one of our better efforts."
Adam glanced sidelong at Jamie. "You know, there is one way to see just how valid this myth is."
"Absolutely no way." But Jamie had tensed a little at the unspoken suggestion.
"For the sake of being thorough and empirical," Adam said in a cajoling voice, one hand straying over to rest on Jamie's hip.
"There's no way I'd let something like that be put on tape!"
"Is that your only objection?"
"What's the point otherwise?" Jamie turned to look Adam square in the eyes.
"At least we'd know," Adam answered, a dull flush spreading over his normally pasty cheeks.
"True. At least we'd know. But I'm on top." Jamie didn't grin, though a dangerous spark danced in his eyes.
"Why do you get to be on top?" Adam whined, pulling Jamie close to him.
"You're more of a pig rectum than I am, and we want to keep the experiments as similar as possible," Jamie reasoned.
Adam reached for Jamie's belt buckle. "You say the sweetest things."
~*~
"I can't believe we pulled the best ratings ever for that piece of shit show," Adam snickered, reading over the latest memo, with a Neilsens report attached. "Kari, your plan completely backfired."
"I know," she moaned. "They want two more specials just like the last one."
"They want us to bust the Mile High Club thing," Grant groaned. "And STDs from toilet seat lids."
"And they want more gay-themed stuff, like your Brokeback piece," Kari read off the memo. "Apparently your inside-out pig rectum was the hit of the show."
"And it wasn't even a true test," Jamie said. "That doesn't happen at all."
"Though lubrication really is needed for the bottom guy not to scream," Adam said.
"Like a little girl," Jamie added.
"Not to mention titillation of some sort, like some serious making out or a little BJ or mutual jerking off or whatever," said Adam.
"Yeah, the jerking off was good," Jamie said. And then shut up quickly. Kari and Grant were staring.
"What are you not telling us?" Kari asked.
"And why are you wearing Jamie's beret, Adam?" Grant demanded.
Adam and Jamie didn't even look at each other. "No reason," Jamie said. "So, who wants to start on this hairy palms from masturbation idea?"
Fin (aren't you glad?)
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Mythbusters
Word count: ~2000
Pairing: Adam/Jamie
Summary: The Mythbusters are disgusted to learn that they have to do a mindless sex-themed show to boost their ratings. Adam and Jamie go above and beyond the call of duty.
A/N: This is a gift-fic for thescarletwoman. She mentioned the UST between Adam and Jamie, I threatened to do something about it, she dared me to follow through on my threat, and this is the result. Thank you to my patient (if somewhat horrified) gentleman caller for the beta!
DISCLAIMER: While this is based upon the show Mythbusters, the characters herein are FICTIONAL and bear no actual resemblance to the actions (that we know of) of any of the people who work on Mythbusters. This is a work of fiction and silliness, and I beg your indulgence and forgiveness for it.
The thing was, ratings were going down. Even for Discovery Channel, they were on a definite decline, and maybe that was to be expected after 4 solid years on the air. How many more myths could there be to bust? They'd done run-of-the-mill urban legends like the Five Second Rule and the bull in the china shop-- the first being far more interesting than the second, as far as Adam and Jamie were both concerned-- and they'd done blockbuster specials like Pirate myths and Super-hero myths. Hell, they'd debunked historical rumours, they'd debunked pseudoscientific fallacies... and to the best of their abilities, they'd remained empirical, if just a little over-the-top and quirky.
So maybe it was inevitable that the Suits who ran the network-- who, it had to be pointed out, didn't even watch Discovery, let alone hold any sort of non-Business/marketing/entertainment-oriented degrees-- would come up with their Bright Idea for "saving" Mythbusters.
"Sex?" Jamie said skeptically, reading over the memo Grant had just handed to him.
"Excellent," said Adam gleefully, rubbing his hands together.
"Not excellent at all," Jamie said, glaring. "What are we, the Fox Network? They want us to mindlessly pander to the masses-- masses who don't even know who we are. This isn't our demographic."
"And what is?" Adam asked, sitting himself down across from Jamie and propping his large, sneaker-clad feet up on the Mythbusters lunch table. "Geeks who can't even get a girl's phone number, let alone get laid?"
"Talking about yourself again, Adam?" Kari plopped herself down beside Grant and snatched the memo from Jamie. "Oh god, what is this shit? What are we, the Fox Network?"
Jamie buried his face in his hands, crushing his glasses against his brow. His voice came out muffled from behind his palms. "They want us to do a sex-themed show to buck up the ratings--"
"Heh, buck up," Adam snickered.
Jamie ignored him completely, prattling on, "Where's the scientific assessment in this? How can we possibly get our hands dirty in the lab or build anything interesting for a sex-themed show?"
Grant nodded. "True. Where is the educational value in this?"
"Where's the educational...? Are you guys crazy, or just robots who don't need sex?" Adam scoffed. "There are whole channels devoted to this stuff. Get your hands dirty? Jesus, Jamie, what better way is there to get your hands dirty?"
"Maybe I'm not interested because I'm getting enough sex already," Grant said lamely.
"Honestly, this could be interesting, depending on what angle we take here," Kari said, shooting Grant a pitying look. "I mean, think about what we could do."
"What, build a street corner and act like prostitutes?" Jamie asked, looking up at last through smudged lenses.
"How much do you think some lucky lady would pay for this ass?" Adam asked, in that tone of voice that said he wasn't exactly kidding.
"I don't think it'd be a lady buying your ass," Jamie said, making Grant blush.
"No, seriously. If the suits upstairs want sex, let's give it to them," Kari said. "Forget anything educational or scientific-- let's go for sex myths from movies."
"Yeah," Grant said, catching on. "They want us to pander? Let's pander and show them just how low we can go."
"Like the apple pie scene from American Pie," Kari enthused. "Let's get twenty teenaged boys who just lost their virginity, and get them to masturbate with apple pies to see if it feels the same."
"We could do the beach scene in From Here to Eternity and see how much sand you get up your crack," Adam chimed in.
"Why don't we see if we can get that crazy old sex lady from Canada as a guest star?" Grant asked.
"Sue Johannson? I know her!" Kari said. "She'd totally be up for consultation!"
"Why don't we do something about bestiality or threesomes, just to get more attention? Let's make them have to fucking censor this show," Adam said, slamming his fist on the table with excitement.
"Do I at least get to build something for this?" Jamie sighed, trying unsuccessfully to clean his glasses with his t-shirt, which was already stained with something oily from the lab.
Adam grinned at him, a grin that he didn't trust at all. "I know exactly what you can build."
~*~
"While Kari and Grant are busy running a brothel a la Risky Business to see if that much money can really be made in one night, that many prostitutes are actually that hot, and no neighbours complain for the duration of the experiment, Jamie and Adam get down to some risky business of their own with Buddy the dummy."
"I feel so dirty," Jamie sighed.
"Isn't this how Grant put himself through college?" Adam mused.
They were both staring at their life-sized wooden dummy, Buddy, who had been used in crash tests before, but never quite in a crash test like this. They were standing on a hillside, for verisimilitudic effect, Jamie clutching a cordless drill, Adam a pig rectum.
"For what we are about to do, may whatever cosmic muffin is up there forgive us," Jamie muttered, and he revved the drill, drowning out Adam's string of dirty puns. Without thinking twice about it, he plunged the drill into the dummy's backside, corkscrewing in and out until he had a hole about six inches deep and one inch across. Meanwhile, Adam wrapped some bright pink foam around the rectum, which was five inches long and looked like an empty sausage casing-- something that Adam had pointed out in the form of unforgivable innuendo.
"I still think we should have cut the rectum out of the pig ourselves," he complained, artfully stapling it all together. "Makes for better, bloodier TV."
"I don't know, the look the butcher gave us when we asked for as many pig anuses as he had was pretty good," Jamie said, dropping the drill and beginning the delicate task of applying super-glue to the fresh-made drill hole.
"If this special works out, you know what we could do?"
Jamie sighed and held his hand out. "What?"
Adam handed over the newly-minted virginal asshole. "Change the name of the show to Cherrybusters."
After several minutes of Jamie pelting Adam with the spare rectae while the two camera guys killed themselves laughing, they got the foam-covered one glue into place, and propped the dummy up on all fours.
"This is kind of humiliating for the dummy," Jamie said, frowning.
"Again, isn't this how Grant put himself through college? Here." Adam plucked a cowboy hat out of nowhere and sat it jauntily on Buddy's head. "Now for the fun part." He held a banana and a condom up with a flourish.
Jamie shook his head. "This is ridiculous. Latex isn't the same as skin. We'd be better off with an actual penis of some sort."
Adam motioned toward Buddy. "Be my guest."
Rolling his eyes, Jamie snatched both banana and condom away from him and, to the wolf whistles of the camera operators, had it ready to go in ten seconds.
"All right. We're here testing out the myth introduced in Brokeback Mountain, where Heath Ledger's character uses just a small amount of saliva as lubricant and then penetrates an otherwise unprepared Jake Gyllenhaal," Jamie intoned to the camera.
"Poor Buddy here is just as unprepared for the manly bulk of Jamie's banana," Adam added as Jamie spat in his hand, ran it over the banana's length twice, and then jammed it into the dummy's rectum. Adam helped out by doing the sound effects: a high-pitched shriek of pain.
"Yeah, that definitely didn't want to go in there," Jamie said, pushing his black beret up over his sweaty forehead. He moved the banana back and forth a few times. "I wish there was some way we could measure friction, because this feels like we could light a fire here."
"Are we ever," Adam snorted. Jamie pulled the banana out, and the pig rectum came out with it, inside out and ripped in three places.
"Ooooooh!" Adam shouted. "Pink sock! Oh, that's gotta hurt!"
"Look at that," Jamie said, his disgust with the whole process overcome momentarily by scientific curiosity. "The condom's ripped too. That had to hurt the Ledger character almost as much as the Gyllenhaal character."
"I think we can call this myth definitely busted," Adam said. "Especially the scene the next day when they're riding horses."
"Busted," Jamie agreed, and then he nodded to the camera men. "I think that's good, guys. You can go while we clean up."
A few minutes later, the rest of the rectae on ice and the sodomized dummy tucked away in Adam's truck (Adam's comment of "now I can ride in the carpool lane" studiously ignored by Jamie), the two of them discussed the problems with the experiment.
"I mean, it wasn't really skin-to-skin, for one thing," Jamie said.
"And we had no way of measuring the friction."
"Plus, I stapled that mother together. It could have been the staples that helped do the tearing, not just the lack of lubrication."
"Definitely not one of our better efforts."
Adam glanced sidelong at Jamie. "You know, there is one way to see just how valid this myth is."
"Absolutely no way." But Jamie had tensed a little at the unspoken suggestion.
"For the sake of being thorough and empirical," Adam said in a cajoling voice, one hand straying over to rest on Jamie's hip.
"There's no way I'd let something like that be put on tape!"
"Is that your only objection?"
"What's the point otherwise?" Jamie turned to look Adam square in the eyes.
"At least we'd know," Adam answered, a dull flush spreading over his normally pasty cheeks.
"True. At least we'd know. But I'm on top." Jamie didn't grin, though a dangerous spark danced in his eyes.
"Why do you get to be on top?" Adam whined, pulling Jamie close to him.
"You're more of a pig rectum than I am, and we want to keep the experiments as similar as possible," Jamie reasoned.
Adam reached for Jamie's belt buckle. "You say the sweetest things."
~*~
"I can't believe we pulled the best ratings ever for that piece of shit show," Adam snickered, reading over the latest memo, with a Neilsens report attached. "Kari, your plan completely backfired."
"I know," she moaned. "They want two more specials just like the last one."
"They want us to bust the Mile High Club thing," Grant groaned. "And STDs from toilet seat lids."
"And they want more gay-themed stuff, like your Brokeback piece," Kari read off the memo. "Apparently your inside-out pig rectum was the hit of the show."
"And it wasn't even a true test," Jamie said. "That doesn't happen at all."
"Though lubrication really is needed for the bottom guy not to scream," Adam said.
"Like a little girl," Jamie added.
"Not to mention titillation of some sort, like some serious making out or a little BJ or mutual jerking off or whatever," said Adam.
"Yeah, the jerking off was good," Jamie said. And then shut up quickly. Kari and Grant were staring.
"What are you not telling us?" Kari asked.
"And why are you wearing Jamie's beret, Adam?" Grant demanded.
Adam and Jamie didn't even look at each other. "No reason," Jamie said. "So, who wants to start on this hairy palms from masturbation idea?"
Fin (aren't you glad?)