even the word depression is... depressing
In January 2010 I realized that I'd been having some mild depression; something I had noticed as affecting my general mood for a few months. At that point I thought, "Hm, I'll have to keep an eye on that and make sure things don't get worse."
My family has a long history with mental illness. I've been extremely fortunate to have a mother who decided that it was time to stop making that the big family secret. She's been open about the family history and her own experiences with depression and medication and so forth. So being aware of that tendency has been rather ingrained in me for a very long time.
Right around this time, some other stuff happened. Not bad things, just stuff that changed a few of my usual routines and contacts; things that gave me a few more responsibilities. And then in March I hurt my hip and spent the next several months doing rounds with various medical professionals trying do get that taken care of. So the depression I was also experiencing seemed a fairly unsurprising turn of events, considering the ongoing pain. After one doctor, three chiropractors, two physical therapists and lots of exercises, the chronic pain was gone, basically at the end of 2010.
2011 didn't include physical problems like that, but the depression symptoms did get worse in the first half. I finally made a doctor's appointment in May, and the doctor prescribed a common anti-depressant. Here's something I wrote in a (filtered) post around that time.
Even though I thought I was open-minded and understanding of the biology behind depression, it's still very disconcerting to realize what a difference it has made in how I feel now versus how I was feeling a couple of years ago. Also in what I do. Just sitting here thinking about a particular chore I need to get done has me blinking back tears, and that is weird. That isn't me.
Putting a label on it has been both good and... not so good. It's a bit like the floodgates have been opened. The thing about any job, but especially teaching, is that there's a mask we wear at work. My emotions (and how I handle them) make a tremendous difference to the tone of the classroom. So admitting that I'm not just "oh, mildly depressed, but I'll handle it with regular exercise" (me last year) but I'm "Yes, depressed, it's impacting work and my social life and everything" has made work into a bit more of a balancing act. The mask is harder to keep on.
Yay, meds? The drug I was prescribed takes three to four weeks to make a noticeable difference (like most anti-depressants), so I won't know if it's working for me until right when school is ending. [...] Saying "I'm depressed," just doesn't sound the same as "I have a broken arm," or "I have mono." Even though I 'know' (in my brain, not my heart) that depression is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and it's not anything I did wrong that led to it.
That first anti-depressant didn't do anything for me, except maybe reduce my appetite for food a bit more. Not a side-effect that I personally found useful, especially since the depression was already doing that. (Eating as a chore instead of with enjoyment is NOT ON, body.) So we tried a second prescription, and within a week it started giving me muscle twitches that kept me from falling asleep. Lack of sleep is also a problem I already have with depression. And then I read some anecdotes about what happened when people went off this particular prescription and decided that ten days on that med was plenty of time to make up my mind, in spite of my doctor encouraging me to give it one more week.
At that point I was doing my usual summer travel rounds as well as feeling fed up with medication, so I ended the summer without any medication, and with the determination to figure out a course of action that would work for me that didn't include pharmaceuticals.
[Side note #1: Anyone is welcome to share personal experiences in the comments, but this is not an invitation to preach about why mood-altering medications are EVIL/are the ONLY solution.]
So... it took me an entire semester to finally call a counselor. Because, well, depression often means I don't feel like doing anything. (Also, I've always hated making phone calls, especially to people I don't know.) I finally called for an appointment nearly a month ago; it isn't until next week.
Of course I've been feeling much better in the last couple of weeks. Because that's how it goes, right? You feel sick, you feel awful, you finally get to see the doctor and right before the appointment, you feel fine. Heh. (No, I'm not canceling the appointment. Two weeks of "Hey, feeling pretty good!" after two years of depression? Nope, still going to talk to someone.)
Making the appointment isn't my only recent action. I've had a church calling* that has me traveling to other congregations** some Sundays instead of staying with my regular congregation and I've used that as an excuse not to make connections with the people in my congregation.
[Side note #2: basically the same as side note #1, except this time it's about religion. Feel free to share what you've experienced, don't use this as an opportunity to say why religion is bad and making my problems worse/why religion is the only real solution to depression.]
*Lay clergy. Have I mentioned that before? No one gets paid for doing stuff; everyone pitches in at various times.
**We call most congregations wards. But since most of you reading this journal aren't LDS, I figured I'd go with a term y'all would recognize.
Anyway! Back to the topic. I thought about it and prayed about it and finally decided I should ask to be released from that particular church calling... and while I hated feeling like I couldn't do what someone had asked me to do, it was also a huge relief to come to that realization and take that step. So now I won't have to be away from my home congregation, I won't have the travel as an excuse to avoid other people at church and I won't have the unhappy feeling that I'm not doing that job justice.
Other stuff that seems to be helping in general, if not in particular over the last two weeks: I take a lot of vitamins and minerals. I never used to do that, but I've started a sort of collection of them. Omega-3 (which also seems to help with seasonal allergies--a nice side effect), magnesium, vitamin D and a B-vitamin complex. The combination of some/all of them does seem to help me sleep better, which in turn helps with the depression.
Um... I think that's it? I feel like I should sign off like a news reporter: "This has been your depression update." I haven't posted publicly about it before, but I wanted to document what I'm feeling. So... hi. I'm (still) figuring out how to deal with depression. And right now, that means asking someone else to help. Which is okay. Also, yay for insurance that gives me three free and confidential counseling sessions.
Posted at Dreamwidth: http://rose-griffes.dreamwidth.org/227527.html. Comment where you wish.
My family has a long history with mental illness. I've been extremely fortunate to have a mother who decided that it was time to stop making that the big family secret. She's been open about the family history and her own experiences with depression and medication and so forth. So being aware of that tendency has been rather ingrained in me for a very long time.
Right around this time, some other stuff happened. Not bad things, just stuff that changed a few of my usual routines and contacts; things that gave me a few more responsibilities. And then in March I hurt my hip and spent the next several months doing rounds with various medical professionals trying do get that taken care of. So the depression I was also experiencing seemed a fairly unsurprising turn of events, considering the ongoing pain. After one doctor, three chiropractors, two physical therapists and lots of exercises, the chronic pain was gone, basically at the end of 2010.
2011 didn't include physical problems like that, but the depression symptoms did get worse in the first half. I finally made a doctor's appointment in May, and the doctor prescribed a common anti-depressant. Here's something I wrote in a (filtered) post around that time.
Even though I thought I was open-minded and understanding of the biology behind depression, it's still very disconcerting to realize what a difference it has made in how I feel now versus how I was feeling a couple of years ago. Also in what I do. Just sitting here thinking about a particular chore I need to get done has me blinking back tears, and that is weird. That isn't me.
Putting a label on it has been both good and... not so good. It's a bit like the floodgates have been opened. The thing about any job, but especially teaching, is that there's a mask we wear at work. My emotions (and how I handle them) make a tremendous difference to the tone of the classroom. So admitting that I'm not just "oh, mildly depressed, but I'll handle it with regular exercise" (me last year) but I'm "Yes, depressed, it's impacting work and my social life and everything" has made work into a bit more of a balancing act. The mask is harder to keep on.
Yay, meds? The drug I was prescribed takes three to four weeks to make a noticeable difference (like most anti-depressants), so I won't know if it's working for me until right when school is ending. [...] Saying "I'm depressed," just doesn't sound the same as "I have a broken arm," or "I have mono." Even though I 'know' (in my brain, not my heart) that depression is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and it's not anything I did wrong that led to it.
That first anti-depressant didn't do anything for me, except maybe reduce my appetite for food a bit more. Not a side-effect that I personally found useful, especially since the depression was already doing that. (Eating as a chore instead of with enjoyment is NOT ON, body.) So we tried a second prescription, and within a week it started giving me muscle twitches that kept me from falling asleep. Lack of sleep is also a problem I already have with depression. And then I read some anecdotes about what happened when people went off this particular prescription and decided that ten days on that med was plenty of time to make up my mind, in spite of my doctor encouraging me to give it one more week.
At that point I was doing my usual summer travel rounds as well as feeling fed up with medication, so I ended the summer without any medication, and with the determination to figure out a course of action that would work for me that didn't include pharmaceuticals.
[Side note #1: Anyone is welcome to share personal experiences in the comments, but this is not an invitation to preach about why mood-altering medications are EVIL/are the ONLY solution.]
So... it took me an entire semester to finally call a counselor. Because, well, depression often means I don't feel like doing anything. (Also, I've always hated making phone calls, especially to people I don't know.) I finally called for an appointment nearly a month ago; it isn't until next week.
Of course I've been feeling much better in the last couple of weeks. Because that's how it goes, right? You feel sick, you feel awful, you finally get to see the doctor and right before the appointment, you feel fine. Heh. (No, I'm not canceling the appointment. Two weeks of "Hey, feeling pretty good!" after two years of depression? Nope, still going to talk to someone.)
Making the appointment isn't my only recent action. I've had a church calling* that has me traveling to other congregations** some Sundays instead of staying with my regular congregation and I've used that as an excuse not to make connections with the people in my congregation.
[Side note #2: basically the same as side note #1, except this time it's about religion. Feel free to share what you've experienced, don't use this as an opportunity to say why religion is bad and making my problems worse/why religion is the only real solution to depression.]
*Lay clergy. Have I mentioned that before? No one gets paid for doing stuff; everyone pitches in at various times.
**We call most congregations wards. But since most of you reading this journal aren't LDS, I figured I'd go with a term y'all would recognize.
Anyway! Back to the topic. I thought about it and prayed about it and finally decided I should ask to be released from that particular church calling... and while I hated feeling like I couldn't do what someone had asked me to do, it was also a huge relief to come to that realization and take that step. So now I won't have to be away from my home congregation, I won't have the travel as an excuse to avoid other people at church and I won't have the unhappy feeling that I'm not doing that job justice.
Other stuff that seems to be helping in general, if not in particular over the last two weeks: I take a lot of vitamins and minerals. I never used to do that, but I've started a sort of collection of them. Omega-3 (which also seems to help with seasonal allergies--a nice side effect), magnesium, vitamin D and a B-vitamin complex. The combination of some/all of them does seem to help me sleep better, which in turn helps with the depression.
Um... I think that's it? I feel like I should sign off like a news reporter: "This has been your depression update." I haven't posted publicly about it before, but I wanted to document what I'm feeling. So... hi. I'm (still) figuring out how to deal with depression. And right now, that means asking someone else to help. Which is okay. Also, yay for insurance that gives me three free and confidential counseling sessions.
Posted at Dreamwidth: http://rose-griffes.dreamwidth.org/227527.html. Comment where you wish.