another unfinished fic: the Leoben crackfic edition
Crossover silliness: Battlestar Galactica plus The Muppet Show, Pushing Daisies and The Pretender
warnings for karate-chopping, talking while eating, hypothetical stalking, and bad fashion choices. And guns used on cylons who will just come back and choose the same ugly shirt.
At some point I was going to try and write a Buffy crossover, but it involved Spike and I just didn't have the nerve to write Spike and Leoben in the same story...
"Hi-yah!" she shrieked as she launched herself at the man. He collapsed on the floor in a heap, unmoving. Miss Piggy was gratified but unsurprised at her successful karate chop. Few men could stand up to her when she was angry. "You can take your special destiny and shove it up--"
"Piggy!" Kermit yelled. He came running down the stairs.
"Kermit, my love!"
Kermit arrived at the bottom of the stairs. "Piggy, aaallp!" he blurted as she hugged him hard enough to push him backwards several feet. "I, uh, I came here to save you!" He glanced down at the male body recumbent on the floor.
Miss Piggy flipped her hair. "Moi has taken care of it herself," she announced. "Oh, and here's this kid," she said as an afterthought. An adorable blonde girl stared at both of them, sucking her thumb.
"Piggy, whose child is this?"
"Not moi's and his, no matter what he says!" she stated, waving one gloved arm dramatically in the direction of the blond man lying still on the carpet. "Come on, kiddo," she said as they walked up the stairs to freedom.
- - - - -
"Psst! Come here!" whispered Olive to the formerly dead woman known as Chuck. "Do you see him?" They peered around the wall from the kitchen of the Pie Hole into its dining area.
"Him who?" asked Chuck.
"Him eating the huckleberry rhubarb. I think he likes me." She finished that pronouncement with a combination of pride and bewilderment.
"Well, why shouldn't he like you? You're very likeable," stated Chuck. "But do you want him to like you?"
They peeked at the older blond man again, who was happily eating pie. He was unshaven and his clothes were a mess, but he had nice blue eyes.
The facts were these: Leoben Conoy, age unknown, was not a man, but a robot. A very sophisticated robot with a penchant for zen koans and a weakness for well-proportioned blondes with broken hearts. Having been drawn to the piemaker's establishment by the lure of the curvaceous and sad waitress, he was now stuck with the following dilemma: to devote himself to stalking the woman until she loved him, or to devote himself to the huckleberry rhubarb pie on which he was now feasting. Both options now seemed equally sublime.
Catching sight of the dimunitive waitress, the blond man waved her over and pointed to the next pie on the menu. "And lots of that white stuff on top!" he mumbled enthusiastically with his mouth full.
Olive Snook walked dejectedly back into the kitchen when she realized her attempts at flirtation could never succeed while competing with the piemaker's delicious pies.
# # #
Broots had already paused once to catch his breath. If he did it again, he might lose track of Miss Parker for good. Except for how she would then hunt him down the next time she needed him for something and she would make him regret getting behind now. So he kept running.
How does she run so fast in those heels? he wondered again. She was already stepping into the next room in the abandoned warehouse. He heard a shot ring out. By the time he made it to the room, the blond man they'd been pursuing was lying on the floor in a pool of blood, either dying or already dead.
In disbelief he looked at Miss Parker. "You killed him!" he blurted. "Why did you do that?"
"He'll just download again at the Centre," she said dismissively.
"What?!"
"He's a cylon, Broots. His consciousness will download into a new, identical body."
"What's a cylon?" The body looked human enough to Broots.
Miss Parker rolled her eyes, then retrieved a cigarette and lighter from her purse. After lighting it and taking a drag, she said, "Didn't you read the files we found in SL 16?" Then she started rattling off quotes that must've come from those files. "The Cylons were created by the Centre. They were made to look human. They evolved. They made really bad fashion choices."
That last part was said with a sneer as she looked at the Hawaiian shirt and skinny tie worn by the dead guy. Dead cylon, rather.
Suddenly Broots felt very self-conscious about his own shirt.
Miss Parker didn't continue her explanation or her fashion critique. Instead she motioned imperiously for him to follow her. "We'll send a sweeper team to clean this up," she said, then walked quickly to the staircase in the corner of the cavernous room. "Maybe you can chat about clothes together after it downloads," she yelled back at him as she headed up the stairs.
"Skinny ties are coming back in style," he muttered to himself as he hurried to catch up with her again.
Posted at Dreamwidth: http://rose-griffes.dreamwidth.org/212336.html. Comment where you wish.
warnings for karate-chopping, talking while eating, hypothetical stalking, and bad fashion choices. And guns used on cylons who will just come back and choose the same ugly shirt.
At some point I was going to try and write a Buffy crossover, but it involved Spike and I just didn't have the nerve to write Spike and Leoben in the same story...
"Hi-yah!" she shrieked as she launched herself at the man. He collapsed on the floor in a heap, unmoving. Miss Piggy was gratified but unsurprised at her successful karate chop. Few men could stand up to her when she was angry. "You can take your special destiny and shove it up--"
"Piggy!" Kermit yelled. He came running down the stairs.
"Kermit, my love!"
Kermit arrived at the bottom of the stairs. "Piggy, aaallp!" he blurted as she hugged him hard enough to push him backwards several feet. "I, uh, I came here to save you!" He glanced down at the male body recumbent on the floor.
Miss Piggy flipped her hair. "Moi has taken care of it herself," she announced. "Oh, and here's this kid," she said as an afterthought. An adorable blonde girl stared at both of them, sucking her thumb.
"Piggy, whose child is this?"
"Not moi's and his, no matter what he says!" she stated, waving one gloved arm dramatically in the direction of the blond man lying still on the carpet. "Come on, kiddo," she said as they walked up the stairs to freedom.
- - - - -
"Psst! Come here!" whispered Olive to the formerly dead woman known as Chuck. "Do you see him?" They peered around the wall from the kitchen of the Pie Hole into its dining area.
"Him who?" asked Chuck.
"Him eating the huckleberry rhubarb. I think he likes me." She finished that pronouncement with a combination of pride and bewilderment.
"Well, why shouldn't he like you? You're very likeable," stated Chuck. "But do you want him to like you?"
They peeked at the older blond man again, who was happily eating pie. He was unshaven and his clothes were a mess, but he had nice blue eyes.
The facts were these: Leoben Conoy, age unknown, was not a man, but a robot. A very sophisticated robot with a penchant for zen koans and a weakness for well-proportioned blondes with broken hearts. Having been drawn to the piemaker's establishment by the lure of the curvaceous and sad waitress, he was now stuck with the following dilemma: to devote himself to stalking the woman until she loved him, or to devote himself to the huckleberry rhubarb pie on which he was now feasting. Both options now seemed equally sublime.
Catching sight of the dimunitive waitress, the blond man waved her over and pointed to the next pie on the menu. "And lots of that white stuff on top!" he mumbled enthusiastically with his mouth full.
Olive Snook walked dejectedly back into the kitchen when she realized her attempts at flirtation could never succeed while competing with the piemaker's delicious pies.
# # #
Broots had already paused once to catch his breath. If he did it again, he might lose track of Miss Parker for good. Except for how she would then hunt him down the next time she needed him for something and she would make him regret getting behind now. So he kept running.
How does she run so fast in those heels? he wondered again. She was already stepping into the next room in the abandoned warehouse. He heard a shot ring out. By the time he made it to the room, the blond man they'd been pursuing was lying on the floor in a pool of blood, either dying or already dead.
In disbelief he looked at Miss Parker. "You killed him!" he blurted. "Why did you do that?"
"He'll just download again at the Centre," she said dismissively.
"What?!"
"He's a cylon, Broots. His consciousness will download into a new, identical body."
"What's a cylon?" The body looked human enough to Broots.
Miss Parker rolled her eyes, then retrieved a cigarette and lighter from her purse. After lighting it and taking a drag, she said, "Didn't you read the files we found in SL 16?" Then she started rattling off quotes that must've come from those files. "The Cylons were created by the Centre. They were made to look human. They evolved. They made really bad fashion choices."
That last part was said with a sneer as she looked at the Hawaiian shirt and skinny tie worn by the dead guy. Dead cylon, rather.
Suddenly Broots felt very self-conscious about his own shirt.
Miss Parker didn't continue her explanation or her fashion critique. Instead she motioned imperiously for him to follow her. "We'll send a sweeper team to clean this up," she said, then walked quickly to the staircase in the corner of the cavernous room. "Maybe you can chat about clothes together after it downloads," she yelled back at him as she headed up the stairs.
"Skinny ties are coming back in style," he muttered to himself as he hurried to catch up with her again.
Posted at Dreamwidth: http://rose-griffes.dreamwidth.org/212336.html. Comment where you wish.