Finally, a Night to Me
Tonight was the first night since I've moved out, that I actually got to be by myself. And when I say by myself, I mean without my husband around. Now you are all probably very confused. Allow me to explain and vent a little at the same time. Ok, I moved out for a whole slew of reasons, many of which you all already know. I told my husband when I moved out that I really needed to think and to just spend some time apart to get my head clear so that I can make a proper decision as far as where our relationship is going to go and if it can be salvaged and that I didn't know how long it would take. So what does he do? He comes over nearly every night, stays late and tries to guilt trip me into coming back to the townhouse. I know what alot of you are thinking, why not just tell him to leave, tell him I don't want to see him, yell at him for being a complete and total jerk. Well as horrible as this sounds, and hell I even feel horrible saying it.. but right now I have no other way to get into work and get my daughter over to the townhouse so my friend can watch her during the day. No one else really can which leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I know that it really isn't helping the situation but unfortunately I don't have too much of a choice. I also don't want to hurt my husband anymore than I already am. I just.. I can't be a cold person and just not care. I know that it's not particularly healthy for me to constantly worrying about other people but I really just can't help it. I worry about my daughter and what I'm doing to her, I worry about my husband and what all this is doing to him, I worry about my friends, the people that we lived with, my parents, my sisters and the impact that all of this is having on their lives. Hell I ended up getting sick more than a few times because I was so scared that the added stress of everything that's going on was going to cause my former housemate to loose her baby. I end up getting upset at the drop of a hat because I'm worried that someone else is mad at me for some decision that I've made, something I've done, or something I've said. I just.. I can't help looking at the decision I'm faced with, and saying ok, if I decide X, which is more of what I want and will help me in the long run, W,Y,Z, is going to happen to "these" people and make them miserable. But if I choose option B, then W,Y,Z people will be much happier, even though A,C,D people might be slightly upset with me. But I will be putting myself through hell and back again. So even though it is probably the worst choice for me, I will go with option B because it will hurt less people. I don't like making people upset, or angry, or depressed or anything like that.
That's why I'm staying at my mothers right now, because I have to do something that I know will be in my own best interests. Well my own and my daughter's anyway. I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and for once think something nice about myself. I want to be able to enjoy and be comfortable in my own skin. I want to enjoy fooling around with someone I care about and not constantly feel like I'm just turning tricks. I want to feel like a person and not a pieceof meat. I want to be treated like a friend, a partner, an equal. Not someone's maid, babysitter, or cook. I just.. I want to be able to be myself without having to constantly looking over my shoulder and keeping myself from doing things that I know I would enjoy because I'm afraid of being yelled at again.
*sigh*
But I had better stop talking about this if I am giong to be able to get any kind of rest tonight.
I know that it really isn't helping the situation but unfortunately I don't have too much of a choice. I also don't want to hurt my husband anymore than I already am. I just.. I can't be a cold person and just not care. I know that it's not particularly healthy for me to constantly worrying about other people but I really just can't help it. I worry about my daughter and what I'm doing to her, I worry about my husband and what all this is doing to him, I worry about my friends, the people that we lived with, my parents, my sisters and the impact that all of this is having on their lives. Hell I ended up getting sick more than a few times because I was so scared that the added stress of everything that's going on was going to cause my former housemate to loose her baby. I end up getting upset at the drop of a hat because I'm worried that someone else is mad at me for some decision that I've made, something I've done, or something I've said. I just.. I can't help looking at the decision I'm faced with, and saying ok, if I decide X, which is more of what I want and will help me in the long run, W,Y,Z, is going to happen to "these" people and make them miserable. But if I choose option B, then W,Y,Z people will be much happier, even though A,C,D people might be slightly upset with me. But I will be putting myself through hell and back again. So even though it is probably the worst choice for me, I will go with option B because it will hurt less people. I don't like making people upset, or angry, or depressed or anything like that.
That's why I'm staying at my mothers right now, because I have to do something that I know will be in my own best interests. Well my own and my daughter's anyway. I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and for once think something nice about myself. I want to be able to enjoy and be comfortable in my own skin. I want to enjoy fooling around with someone I care about and not constantly feel like I'm just turning tricks. I want to feel like a person and not a pieceof meat. I want to be treated like a friend, a partner, an equal. Not someone's maid, babysitter, or cook. I just.. I want to be able to be myself without having to constantly looking over my shoulder and keeping myself from doing things that I know I would enjoy because I'm afraid of being yelled at again.
*sigh*
But I had better stop talking about this if I am giong to be able to get any kind of rest tonight.