Depression vs insanity
At the last minute I decided to change the topic of my paper. Seeing as my professor said to write something that you know about, and that you can make into an informative essay, I chose Bipolar Disorder vs. Borderline Personality. Though I doubt anyone other than xtown_traffic and whitewynd and chaz knew that I had been seeing a psychologist and therapist for a while last year. I remember the problems with my depression and after the last extremely bad plummet into a suicidal state, in Jan of 2004 I thought it best for me to get back on some medications. After a year and 1/2 of trying different meds and them only lasting for a few months at a time I finally went to a psychologist and was once again put back on prozac for a while and then taken off of it again and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
My whole problem with those medications is that I become stubborn (yes even more so than normal) and refuse to take them, often times just stopping one day and having to deal with the downfall that brings about. I have to many scars to count because of that, you think I would learn my lesson. Maybe I have as I've now been off any type of meds for about a 9 months now. Anyway the point of this was to remind myself of some of the facts I seem to have forgotten about. As I'm reading over this information about Borderline Personality I cringe and wonder if I'm really going to be able to fight this, as even now I can see I still follow the same patterns at time.
Diagnoses of BPO are based on three categories of criteria. The first, and most important, category, comprises two signs:
the absence of psychosis (i.e., the ability to perceive reality accurately)
impaired ego integration - a diffuse and internally contradictory concept of self.
The second category is termed "nonspecific signs" and includes such things as low anxiety tolerance, poor impulse control, and an undeveloped or poor ability to enjoy work or hobbies in a meaningful way.
borderlines are distinguished from neurotics by the presence of "primitive defenses." Chief among these is splitting, in which a person or thing is seen as all good or all bad. Note that something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives.
They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline.
Intense unstable relationships in which the borderline always ends up getting hurt. Repetitive self-destructive behavior, often designed to prompt rescue.
Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone.
Distorted thoughts/perceptions, particularly in terms of relationships and interactions with others.
Hypersensitivity, meaning an unusual sensitivity to nonverbal communication.
Impulsive behaviors that often embarrass the borderline later.
Poor social adaptation
I never seem to see things quite the way other people do, and I've often been acoused of seeing only the bad in things that are said to me. I don't see how some things can be said in a nice way when they hurt so much. I mean honestly how can you tell someone they don't deserve someone's love, and that be a good comment. Well the actual comment was... Giles is too good for you. How would anyone else take that? I just don't want to find myself in that well of sorrow again trying to claw my way out again. That whole Chronic fear of abandoment, well how would anyone else feel that had lost all of their family except for there father that treats them like crap, feel? Everyone I've loved in my life has left me in some way, with the exception of 3 that I have walked away from. All of my grandparents are gone, my mom, her sister, my god parents... all gone! My dad is the only person left that I have a connection with in anyway, and he would rather keep his cuntish wife (excuse my language) than even show me the smallest amount of love.
I mean most of you have figured out something big that's about to happen in my life, and I invited my Dad and step mom to attend, and was told no... they didn't have the time to take off work to attend. Well gee... how was I supposed to feel about that. Anyway, sorry I just needed to ramble for a while.