Smile On His Lips and Cuts On His Hips (26/?)

[rose682]

Title: Smile On His Lips and Cuts On His Hips (26/?)
Author: Rose Rose682
Rating: nc-17
Pairing: Jack Barakat/Alex Gaskarth
Summary: I’d lost count of how many had gaped at my arm with shocked expressions and open mouths, curious people unsure of whether or not they wanted to know the answer asking, “Did you cut your arm?”
Disclaimer: I own neither ATL or

Comments

[broken_capulet]

"If only everyone didn’t see themselves as the exception to everything."
I can attest to that. I definitely get up on my soapbox and preach about body image actively, while simultaneously eating about once a day just because I would rather have my stomach look flat. It annoys me honestly, seeing all of these weight-loss commercials on tv, and hearing all of my friends go on about dieting and going to the gym. It just sucks seeing everyone trying to look the same. I don't get why skinny and thin is the only way to look, or rather the only way we "should" look. I don't find pleasure in watching the way media causes people to feel insecure. At the same time though, I stare at my thighs when I wear shorts and drink water when I feel hungry and know I can skip a meal. We're all just so complex. (No, I don't starve myself trust me, you should see me eat. Most days I'm stuffing my face. Those are just bad habits I've gained randomly without even noticing)

And last but not least, the drink spill.
That arose a lot of thoughts that I've been having lately. From what I understand you're not very "religious" and I wouldn't necessarily refer to myself as that either. I'm a Christian, which I guess most people would assume would make me "religious" considering that it's most generally viewed as a religion but.. I don't see it that way. Although.. that's besides the point. For me personally, when it comes to my struggle with depression, it usually stems from not understanding and lack of control and happiness when dealing with my life. Recently though, I've discovered that I find a lot of comfort in "God's will." (this may be boring you or offending you or something and if it is I'm sorry, I just kind of wanted to give you some different perspective, 'tis all)
I went to summer camp with my youth group about a week ago and a speaker named Matt Chandler was explaining how God uses every situation to bring himself glory. I probably took this a little bit too literally, but I kind of brings relief knowing that. More often I find myself rising out of issues that I previously had and realizing how much I've learned and how blessed I am. (It's really silly actually, when I'll stub my toe on something and think "God wanted that to happen, for some weird reason") It just helps. My friend ditched my 16th birthday party this past friday, and while normally I'd sit around and beat myself up over it, this time I thought "somehow, someway, this will bring God glory" so I let it go. And in church yesterday, my pastor did a sermon on forgiveness and how it prevents pain.. I don't know, I just thought it was really cool. It showed me how I'm usually so quick to feel betrayed and hurt, which constantly causes me to form a grudges. It softened my heart and showed me I need to learn how to relax a little and forgive the things that can't be changed, it gave me freedom to smile even when someone's screwed me over. So, I'd like to believe every little thing has happened for a reason, whether you share my faith or not, I thought you be interested in that mindset (: (if you'd like me to clarify something for you or if you have questions about that, I'd be happy to get a little more detailed. I can see how that'd be kind of confusing but I'd rather spare you just in case it's obvious.)

wowowow this comment half as long as the chapter (this is nearly a thousand words oh my) I actually spent like 45 minutes thinking this through and typing it, talk about feedback! I hope this inspires and intrigues you and all that good stuff. Plus I like talking to you, you're rational.
This world lacks rational and decent people.
But yeah, give this a read and let me know what you think. I think you're rad, keep it up!
(and don't be pressured to write something "good" seriously, don't force it. Write what you feel, I love that genuine crud ;)

"Humans will do anything to talk strangers off the ledge while teetering on it themselves. We desperately ache to save others while destroying ourselves without a care." Absolutely. Loved. That.
-Naomi

[rose682]

yeah, ive always been really bad at summarizing and honestly didnt spend as much time as i shouldve editing this chapter and making sure that it was all sensical and good. i was really frustrated with that part right before i posted this and kind of gave up on making it work better. in retrospect, i figured out how i couldve explained it much better, but its too late for that. and the book hes talking about is echo by kate morgenroth, which is definitely worth a read if you have the time. \

addressing the end of that paragraph first, ive actually started to sympathize with drug addicts and people who will do anything for a thrill lately. for the longest time i thought that doing hard drugs was really just stupid, because why bother basically ruining your life only to get a minute of a high? it seemed like a waste and not worth it, but i get it now, why people would throw everything away to feel alive. i mean, some of those people have nothing left to lose, so why the hell not, right? there are so many things that people do to make themselves feel good or feel anything that are generally frowned upon and i dont understand why anymore. and everyone definitely does have different perspectives, ill admit that i unfairly judge people for certain things just because making those snap judgements is something thats ingrained in my brain. ive never defended anything like this to anyone verbally, though. i dont need people actually thinking im insane, but with this story i dont really bother holding anything back.

i always find it interesting how i lecture about never self harming and all that in my a/ns and then literally think nothing of it when it comes to me. im a giant hypocrite, surely, but can seem to care enough to stop. and skinny is just whats in right now. another fifty years and peopell probably want to look healthy with some meat. its ridiculous, how people's physical body shapes are determined acceptable by fucking fashion trends. the world would be a far better place if people only did things to make themselves happy rather than make others find them attractive or good or whatever. everyone falls victim to the ideas of the media though; we're surrounded by this stuff, if its bit impossible to not believe and try to conform to it. and i get that, my eating habits have gotten ridiculously messed up over the past year. actually perfectly correlated with my slow descent into insanity, i wonder what that says.

[rose682]

like ive said, im more of a scientific person and have never been able to believe that the universe is completely controlled by some higher power. my dads christian, so i know a bit about it and go to church occasionally, but i certainly wouldnt consider myself to be the same. and no, dont worry about that at all, im definitely not offended. it would be stupid for me to be annoyed just because you believe something different from me. (as a side note, though, some ideas of certain religions do piss me off. my dads catholic and i recently discovered through him that apparently committing suicide is a sin that automatically grants people a pass to hell, which i think is completely idiotic. but, you know, i couldnt care less if my dad believes thats true. its his decision, right? yours too.)
i think i get what youre saying with that, and its a lovely idea. i wish that i could believe that everything has a reason and is all somehow contributing to the greater good, but ive always been one of those people who cant possibly see the benefit of mindless war and senseless cruelty. thats obviously a far greater issue than something like having a friend ditch you (not to make your issues and grievances sound trivial, i completely understand how the little things can seem devastating and lead to something much worse) but i cant find it in me to imagine how that could ever be justified in any way. id love to think that all the seemingly pointless shit that happens to me and all the innocent people of the world had a good purpose, and i see how thats a very comforting idea, but i suppose im too technical for that. i figure that things just happen because they do, theres no point, this is only how nature works. which is slightly depressing in its own way, but oh well. ive been wondering what the point is a lot lately, and from what i can tell, there isnt one. maybe my dad shouldve raised me religiously so i wouldnt have to doubt the point of all this, itd be nice.

this is actually awesome though, basically the reason why i write things like this is because ive never had anyone who was willing to talk to me about it. actually discussing the random stuff that plagues my mind is an even more effective way to clear it out, so thank you, i really appreciate it. and i hope i am rational, if anything. one of my very few assets (i think, at least) is that i can usually evaluate the facts of things and form opinions on them from that.
my mind is especially scrambled lately and i feel like this is probably an insufficient response, but i dont really have the mental capacity to string together something better currently. but i guess its genuine, which you said is good, right? and youre seriously awesome too, your comments are some of my favorites <3