there's a memory of a window, looking through I see you
today I saw a girl carrying a bag that read "I love christian boys." I want to make one that says something retalitory such as "jewish boys have bigger cocks" or something equally offensive (yet true...?)
gah. sorry god. the jesus fan club gets to me.
my grandmother and I apparently cannot go out to dinner together without starting to cry, but I think this is the best therapy I am getting, and the one I need the most. she says she is mad at my grandfather for leaving her alone to deal with this after he had his seizures. he doesn't even remember my mom. she says "I need him and he let me down." at first I didn't know how to respond, until for the first time out loud I told her I feel the same way about my mother.
and it's true. I do feel let down. and I know I let her down. and there's no way anyone could ever conceivably make me feel different. I needed her and she left me. She needed me and I didn't try hard enough. how could I possibly think she would leave me on purpose. what on earth do I think I could have done that might have possibly saved her.
so I drive around and listen to ashlee simpson because that is my happy cd. songs about empowered breakups make me feel strong, even if they aren't currently relevant to my life. I have lots of misguided anger and a very short fuse. I don't understand half of my actions, or why I feel what I do. it all seems arbitrary. I take it out on people, and I don't have the patience to do otherwise.
I'm looking forward to this retreat with my grandmother, but I'm not looking forward to singing praises any time soon. I don't even like church anymore for that reason. thank you god for the sky. thank you god for the good things. but this, sorry. right now I only see this.
"Every glamorous sunrise, throws the planets out of line.
A star sign out of whack, a fraudulent zodiac.
And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room. You let me down, I said it.
Now I'm going down, and you're not even around.
And I said a no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
I can't keep it all together."
-thirdeyeblind
gah. sorry god. the jesus fan club gets to me.
my grandmother and I apparently cannot go out to dinner together without starting to cry, but I think this is the best therapy I am getting, and the one I need the most. she says she is mad at my grandfather for leaving her alone to deal with this after he had his seizures. he doesn't even remember my mom. she says "I need him and he let me down." at first I didn't know how to respond, until for the first time out loud I told her I feel the same way about my mother.
and it's true. I do feel let down. and I know I let her down. and there's no way anyone could ever conceivably make me feel different. I needed her and she left me. She needed me and I didn't try hard enough. how could I possibly think she would leave me on purpose. what on earth do I think I could have done that might have possibly saved her.
so I drive around and listen to ashlee simpson because that is my happy cd. songs about empowered breakups make me feel strong, even if they aren't currently relevant to my life. I have lots of misguided anger and a very short fuse. I don't understand half of my actions, or why I feel what I do. it all seems arbitrary. I take it out on people, and I don't have the patience to do otherwise.
I'm looking forward to this retreat with my grandmother, but I'm not looking forward to singing praises any time soon. I don't even like church anymore for that reason. thank you god for the sky. thank you god for the good things. but this, sorry. right now I only see this.
"Every glamorous sunrise, throws the planets out of line.
A star sign out of whack, a fraudulent zodiac.
And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room. You let me down, I said it.
Now I'm going down, and you're not even around.
And I said a no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
I can't keep it all together."
-thirdeyeblind