Retreat Day 1 Week 1
I'm starting this online retreat today. It lasts a total of 32 weeks. The first part is really hard for me, I'm supposed to look back over my life, my story, and reflect on it then try to see it with gratitude. My life has been very difficult and painful, especially the earlier years. Looking back for me is very hard, but I'm going to try it.
Today, early childhood. My childhood is a mixture of things. I had fantastic granparents. I was loved and spoiled horribly by them because my grandmother was really my step-grandma and she couldn't have any children. I became her baby and she loved me to death. My sister is almost 9 years older than me and she left home when I was only 8, so for all intents and purposes I was an only child a good part of my childhood, at least most of the stuff I can remember did not include my sister. I've been told lots of stories about me and my sister, but I only have like two actual memories of her in my childhood, one is of her throwing me out of her room, and the other is of me dropping a matress on her head. We lived together for 8 years and that is all I've got, interesting. We sort of get along now, but never had the relationship I thought we would. She is very bitter and angry a lot of the time. She blames my mother for everything, which is interesting. My father was a major alcoholic who was always drunk and rejected my sister from day one, but it's my mom's fault. Yeah right! My father's drinking and rejection would bring disaster into both my life and my sisters. Look at our exs. we both chose alcoholic men who mistreated and rejected us, coincidence? I think not.
But this is about childhood. I remember very little. The first day of kindergarten, I was shocked that they had baby books with pictures there. My mom always read chapter books to us, I didn't know books had pictures until I went to school. I remember getting in trouble for reading ahead in the dick and jane books. I always got in trouble for reading ahead. I remeber going to the circus and having a huge rigging tower fall over, they had to evacuate the building and it was really scary. I remember going roller skating in baby blue bell bottoms. I remember moving into our new house on Merry lane. It had a great playroom. I painted my befroom pepto bismol pink and I had a white canopy bed with light green bedding and curtains. It was a wild color combination, but I loved it.
My Dad drove me home drunk once. It was terrifiying, I vividly remember it. I guess my MOm nearly killed him and he didn't drive me anywhere after that. After they divorecd when I was six Mom went out a lot and had parties at the house. I remember people drinking and laughing. One of mom's friends thought it would be funny to hang me on the clothes line, It scared me to death. Mom dated a bunch of different people. Most of them tried to make up to me and buy me stuff. My moved in with this guy named Stan. He was trying to be a bad boy, leather jacket, motorcycle,etc.. He had a waterbed with leopard print satin sheets, sheesh. I remember that he also had a lot of porn laying around the house. I didn't know what it was, so when his boss came over for dinner me and Stan's daughter brought it all out and were showing it around to people. Bet that didn't go over well. He also had covers on his couch made out of baby seals. I know this because you could see the eye holes and ear holes. It figures. Mom dumped him and got engaged to James Bond. No kidding, James Bond. His actual name, I kept the checks to prove it to people. She married him, for two weeks. He decided he still loved his ex and kicked us out. After that MOm avoided men like the plague until I was 16. That's when she found 'The One". He was.
My father remarried, a lady who loved to gamble and drink as much as dad did. She died suddenly in her 40's of a stroke. I think Dad dated once or twice, but that was the last relationship I saw him have.
Looking back at this, I'm amazed I turned out Ok at all.
Grandparents: My saving grace. I spent the vast majority of my childhood at my grandma's house. She sewed and was an amazing cook. My grandad was a gardner and gramndma cooked everything from the garden. I still love the scent of damp soil in the Spring. It's the best perfume around. I learned how to sew, and cook, and garden. I still love to do it. I spent hours, days, weeks, just digging in the dirt, making houses and forts from storage pits Grandad dug. I snapped beans in the kitchen while grandma was canning veggies. I had tea parties in the basement with my dolls. I built forts out of the couch cushions in the living room. I do remember playing alone most of the time. I didn't spend much time with other kids. I guess I still have few friends. And I still prefer to play alone alot.
Looking back isn't what I thought it would be. I do have a lot of good memories, and some of the things I didn't think much about have a bigger weight than I realized. Maybe my Mom didn't do so hot either. Maybe she's more human and less judgemental than I had assumed. Maybe my mistakes and hers are closer than I thought. HMMM? I am grateful for my grandparents, they were a stable mooring when the rest of my life was a rolling sea. Thank you God for looking out for me, for providing love and joy in my life, Thank You!
Tomorrow I dive into the really hard stuff. Abuse.
Today, early childhood. My childhood is a mixture of things. I had fantastic granparents. I was loved and spoiled horribly by them because my grandmother was really my step-grandma and she couldn't have any children. I became her baby and she loved me to death. My sister is almost 9 years older than me and she left home when I was only 8, so for all intents and purposes I was an only child a good part of my childhood, at least most of the stuff I can remember did not include my sister. I've been told lots of stories about me and my sister, but I only have like two actual memories of her in my childhood, one is of her throwing me out of her room, and the other is of me dropping a matress on her head. We lived together for 8 years and that is all I've got, interesting. We sort of get along now, but never had the relationship I thought we would. She is very bitter and angry a lot of the time. She blames my mother for everything, which is interesting. My father was a major alcoholic who was always drunk and rejected my sister from day one, but it's my mom's fault. Yeah right! My father's drinking and rejection would bring disaster into both my life and my sisters. Look at our exs. we both chose alcoholic men who mistreated and rejected us, coincidence? I think not.
But this is about childhood. I remember very little. The first day of kindergarten, I was shocked that they had baby books with pictures there. My mom always read chapter books to us, I didn't know books had pictures until I went to school. I remember getting in trouble for reading ahead in the dick and jane books. I always got in trouble for reading ahead. I remeber going to the circus and having a huge rigging tower fall over, they had to evacuate the building and it was really scary. I remember going roller skating in baby blue bell bottoms. I remember moving into our new house on Merry lane. It had a great playroom. I painted my befroom pepto bismol pink and I had a white canopy bed with light green bedding and curtains. It was a wild color combination, but I loved it.
My Dad drove me home drunk once. It was terrifiying, I vividly remember it. I guess my MOm nearly killed him and he didn't drive me anywhere after that. After they divorecd when I was six Mom went out a lot and had parties at the house. I remember people drinking and laughing. One of mom's friends thought it would be funny to hang me on the clothes line, It scared me to death. Mom dated a bunch of different people. Most of them tried to make up to me and buy me stuff. My moved in with this guy named Stan. He was trying to be a bad boy, leather jacket, motorcycle,etc.. He had a waterbed with leopard print satin sheets, sheesh. I remember that he also had a lot of porn laying around the house. I didn't know what it was, so when his boss came over for dinner me and Stan's daughter brought it all out and were showing it around to people. Bet that didn't go over well. He also had covers on his couch made out of baby seals. I know this because you could see the eye holes and ear holes. It figures. Mom dumped him and got engaged to James Bond. No kidding, James Bond. His actual name, I kept the checks to prove it to people. She married him, for two weeks. He decided he still loved his ex and kicked us out. After that MOm avoided men like the plague until I was 16. That's when she found 'The One". He was.
My father remarried, a lady who loved to gamble and drink as much as dad did. She died suddenly in her 40's of a stroke. I think Dad dated once or twice, but that was the last relationship I saw him have.
Looking back at this, I'm amazed I turned out Ok at all.
Grandparents: My saving grace. I spent the vast majority of my childhood at my grandma's house. She sewed and was an amazing cook. My grandad was a gardner and gramndma cooked everything from the garden. I still love the scent of damp soil in the Spring. It's the best perfume around. I learned how to sew, and cook, and garden. I still love to do it. I spent hours, days, weeks, just digging in the dirt, making houses and forts from storage pits Grandad dug. I snapped beans in the kitchen while grandma was canning veggies. I had tea parties in the basement with my dolls. I built forts out of the couch cushions in the living room. I do remember playing alone most of the time. I didn't spend much time with other kids. I guess I still have few friends. And I still prefer to play alone alot.
Looking back isn't what I thought it would be. I do have a lot of good memories, and some of the things I didn't think much about have a bigger weight than I realized. Maybe my Mom didn't do so hot either. Maybe she's more human and less judgemental than I had assumed. Maybe my mistakes and hers are closer than I thought. HMMM? I am grateful for my grandparents, they were a stable mooring when the rest of my life was a rolling sea. Thank you God for looking out for me, for providing love and joy in my life, Thank You!
Tomorrow I dive into the really hard stuff. Abuse.