Fic: Self-loathing
Title: Self-loathing
Rated NC-17
Disclaimer: I do not own them.
Characters: Jason/Tim
Summary: Jason doesn't deserve Tim. He knows this...
Jason doesn't deserve Tim. He knows this...just as much as he knows that Tim thinks that he deserves whatever Jason gives him. It's not the case, but Jason still hasn't managed to convince Tim of that. Part of Jason hates himself for his inability to get Tim to see the truth, but another part--probably the one biting the back of Tim's neck as he thrusts into him--is just happy that he gets to have this...even if it is due to Tim's stunning ability to lie to himself.
Jason always makes Tim come first though. It's really all he can do most of the time, and it doesn't stop Jason from hating himself, but it definitely makes it easier for him to be with Tim. Jason often ignores the happy quiet sigh and tiny smile Tim gives him when they're finished. It's not like Tim will admit that he deserves better. Hell, maybe he just genuinely doesn't believe that he does, but that doesn't mean that Jason doesn't know it, and it certainly doesn't mean that Jason is okay with this. It's just that...he can't stop.
Jason has tried...so very many times, but Tim just keeps coming back, and Jason can't stop himself from letting Tim. It doesn't matter how self-destructive this whole little process is...hell, how destructive it is just for Tim. Jason can handle destruction. He'd be dead again if he wasn't good at rolling with the chaos, but that doesn't mean Tim should have to. The fact that Tim chooses to is just baffling to Jason, because...well, it's just so damn obvious Tim could do better.
"Jason, why did you stop?" Tim sounds confused and annoyed at the same time, and Jason wants to smirk...except that he really doesn't right now.
"Sorry, I..." Jason doesn't finish that sentence, because he doesn't have an excuse. He hadn't even realized that he had stopped.
Jason starts to thrust again while he strokes Tim. Tim moans, and Jason wants to hate himself even more for that, but he can't. He loves it when Timmy moans...loves it more because he caused it. Jason moves his hand on Tim faster, and he can tell that Tim is biting his bottom lip because his moans are suddenly muffled, but Tim's hands are both busy clutching at the sheets.
Jason is suddenly losing coherency again. He wants to hate himself for not being better, but he loves giving this to Tim too much to actually focus on that self hate. He thrust harder, and Tim comes with a small high cry that makes Jason move even faster inside of him. Jason shudders through his orgasm, and tries not fall on Tim afterward.
He manages to fall beside Tim, and, as Tim crawls closer to him, Jason has to breathe deep and count to ten in two languages to try and keep the self-loathing down to a manageable level. "What's wrong?" Tim stares up at him like he just did something wrong.
Jason can't help it. He has to clutch Tim tighter, because the last thing that he ever wanted was to see that expression on Tim's face. Even when Jason was crazy, and trying to kill Tim--and he'll always be disgusted with himself for that one those times--he still never wanted to see Tim look at him like that. "It's nothing. You didn't do anything."
Tim really doesn't look as though he believes that. "You really can just tell me to fuck off, you know. You don't have to..." Tim trails off, and Jason can't be more thankful that he didn't say whatever he was about to.
"This really isn't about you." Tim's face loses all expression. He's the perfect picture of blank, which is bad...really bad. "Fuck...I...I really didn't mean that the way it sounded. Fuck..." Tim gets up to leave, and Jason wants to just bash his head off the wall. He knows he just set off Tim's own self-loathing, which is just fucking great. When did Jason lose his ability to create coherent fucking sentences? "Wait, Tim, don't..."
Tim pulls his shirt over his head, and then turns back to Jason. "Yes?" His eyes are so cold that it reminds Jason of the dead, which is only making this whole situation worse.
"I...it's just..."
"What, Jason?" Tim cuts off his stammering. "I made it perfectly clear at the beginning that you can leave at anytime. I don't need you to protect me or whatever else you think that you're doing. I can handle it. You're over it now. Well, that's fine. I'll just gather my stuff, and leave." There's no anger in Tim's voice...no anger, no hatred, no disappointment...nothing. There's just nothing. If he wasn't standing right in front of him, Jason would think that Tim was using a computerized voice in order to get it that emotionless.
"I just don't want you to settle." That isn't what Jason had meant to say, but Tim's eyes are beginning to show some life behind them, so he's pretty sure it's okay to keep going. "I don't want you to stick with me, because you've convinced yourself that you can't do better."
Tim huffs out a breath. "Can't do any better? Jason, what the hell is this all about?"
"I put you through hell. I'm moody, and I can be a stubborn ass, more often than not. I never listen, and when I do it's usually only to piss someone off. I'm a snarky son of a bitch, and I'm fucked up like you wouldn't believe. Hell, I've tried to fucking kill you before, Tim. You fucking deserve better."
Tim sighs, mostly to himself, as he peels his shirt back off, and moves back to the bed. "Jason, word of advice." Jason raises an eyebrow at him, but doesn't say anything. "Shut up, and get over it. I have."
Jason splutters at that, and tries to argue, but Tim places a finger over his lips, and Jason can't help it. That particular gesture almost always silences him. "Jason, we've talked about all of that. Yeah, you can be moody, but so can I. You, sure as hell, are stubborn, but so am I. You listen...it just takes a bit more work to get you to hear me, and that's okay. You are definitely snarky, but then again, I can be as well. And you're a Bat...we're all fucked up, Jason." Tim moves his hand away from Jason's mouth once he finishes his argument.
Jason sits up to face Tim fully. "But I've tried to kill you." Jason whispers as he stares at the floor.
Tim sits down beside him. "And we've talked about that too. You were in a bad place, and not exactly sane at the time. I can forgive you. Hell, I've already forgiven you...you know this. Now, you just need to forgive yourself." Tim kisses him softly on the lips. "You know where to find me when you're ready." Tim gets up, and grabs his clothes--a lot less angrily this time--and walks out of the room.
Jason isn't sure if he'll ever be able to forgive himself for all of the things that he's done. He can't imagine why his family has. It's all just so screwed up, and he doesn't even know if there's a way to fix it. Jason is good with anger. He knows how to handle that. He knows what to do with it...how to channel it and use it, but this? He doesn't know what to do with self-loathing. He never really has. The only thing that he's ever done with these types of emotions was turn them into anger, so that way they could be used, but he can't do that anymore. He won't allow himself to do that anymore, but he clearly needs to figure out something if he's going to get what he wants, and Jason definitely wants what's in the other room.
The End
Rated NC-17
Disclaimer: I do not own them.
Characters: Jason/Tim
Summary: Jason doesn't deserve Tim. He knows this...
Jason doesn't deserve Tim. He knows this...just as much as he knows that Tim thinks that he deserves whatever Jason gives him. It's not the case, but Jason still hasn't managed to convince Tim of that. Part of Jason hates himself for his inability to get Tim to see the truth, but another part--probably the one biting the back of Tim's neck as he thrusts into him--is just happy that he gets to have this...even if it is due to Tim's stunning ability to lie to himself.
Jason always makes Tim come first though. It's really all he can do most of the time, and it doesn't stop Jason from hating himself, but it definitely makes it easier for him to be with Tim. Jason often ignores the happy quiet sigh and tiny smile Tim gives him when they're finished. It's not like Tim will admit that he deserves better. Hell, maybe he just genuinely doesn't believe that he does, but that doesn't mean that Jason doesn't know it, and it certainly doesn't mean that Jason is okay with this. It's just that...he can't stop.
Jason has tried...so very many times, but Tim just keeps coming back, and Jason can't stop himself from letting Tim. It doesn't matter how self-destructive this whole little process is...hell, how destructive it is just for Tim. Jason can handle destruction. He'd be dead again if he wasn't good at rolling with the chaos, but that doesn't mean Tim should have to. The fact that Tim chooses to is just baffling to Jason, because...well, it's just so damn obvious Tim could do better.
"Jason, why did you stop?" Tim sounds confused and annoyed at the same time, and Jason wants to smirk...except that he really doesn't right now.
"Sorry, I..." Jason doesn't finish that sentence, because he doesn't have an excuse. He hadn't even realized that he had stopped.
Jason starts to thrust again while he strokes Tim. Tim moans, and Jason wants to hate himself even more for that, but he can't. He loves it when Timmy moans...loves it more because he caused it. Jason moves his hand on Tim faster, and he can tell that Tim is biting his bottom lip because his moans are suddenly muffled, but Tim's hands are both busy clutching at the sheets.
Jason is suddenly losing coherency again. He wants to hate himself for not being better, but he loves giving this to Tim too much to actually focus on that self hate. He thrust harder, and Tim comes with a small high cry that makes Jason move even faster inside of him. Jason shudders through his orgasm, and tries not fall on Tim afterward.
He manages to fall beside Tim, and, as Tim crawls closer to him, Jason has to breathe deep and count to ten in two languages to try and keep the self-loathing down to a manageable level. "What's wrong?" Tim stares up at him like he just did something wrong.
Jason can't help it. He has to clutch Tim tighter, because the last thing that he ever wanted was to see that expression on Tim's face. Even when Jason was crazy, and trying to kill Tim--and he'll always be disgusted with himself for that one those times--he still never wanted to see Tim look at him like that. "It's nothing. You didn't do anything."
Tim really doesn't look as though he believes that. "You really can just tell me to fuck off, you know. You don't have to..." Tim trails off, and Jason can't be more thankful that he didn't say whatever he was about to.
"This really isn't about you." Tim's face loses all expression. He's the perfect picture of blank, which is bad...really bad. "Fuck...I...I really didn't mean that the way it sounded. Fuck..." Tim gets up to leave, and Jason wants to just bash his head off the wall. He knows he just set off Tim's own self-loathing, which is just fucking great. When did Jason lose his ability to create coherent fucking sentences? "Wait, Tim, don't..."
Tim pulls his shirt over his head, and then turns back to Jason. "Yes?" His eyes are so cold that it reminds Jason of the dead, which is only making this whole situation worse.
"I...it's just..."
"What, Jason?" Tim cuts off his stammering. "I made it perfectly clear at the beginning that you can leave at anytime. I don't need you to protect me or whatever else you think that you're doing. I can handle it. You're over it now. Well, that's fine. I'll just gather my stuff, and leave." There's no anger in Tim's voice...no anger, no hatred, no disappointment...nothing. There's just nothing. If he wasn't standing right in front of him, Jason would think that Tim was using a computerized voice in order to get it that emotionless.
"I just don't want you to settle." That isn't what Jason had meant to say, but Tim's eyes are beginning to show some life behind them, so he's pretty sure it's okay to keep going. "I don't want you to stick with me, because you've convinced yourself that you can't do better."
Tim huffs out a breath. "Can't do any better? Jason, what the hell is this all about?"
"I put you through hell. I'm moody, and I can be a stubborn ass, more often than not. I never listen, and when I do it's usually only to piss someone off. I'm a snarky son of a bitch, and I'm fucked up like you wouldn't believe. Hell, I've tried to fucking kill you before, Tim. You fucking deserve better."
Tim sighs, mostly to himself, as he peels his shirt back off, and moves back to the bed. "Jason, word of advice." Jason raises an eyebrow at him, but doesn't say anything. "Shut up, and get over it. I have."
Jason splutters at that, and tries to argue, but Tim places a finger over his lips, and Jason can't help it. That particular gesture almost always silences him. "Jason, we've talked about all of that. Yeah, you can be moody, but so can I. You, sure as hell, are stubborn, but so am I. You listen...it just takes a bit more work to get you to hear me, and that's okay. You are definitely snarky, but then again, I can be as well. And you're a Bat...we're all fucked up, Jason." Tim moves his hand away from Jason's mouth once he finishes his argument.
Jason sits up to face Tim fully. "But I've tried to kill you." Jason whispers as he stares at the floor.
Tim sits down beside him. "And we've talked about that too. You were in a bad place, and not exactly sane at the time. I can forgive you. Hell, I've already forgiven you...you know this. Now, you just need to forgive yourself." Tim kisses him softly on the lips. "You know where to find me when you're ready." Tim gets up, and grabs his clothes--a lot less angrily this time--and walks out of the room.
Jason isn't sure if he'll ever be able to forgive himself for all of the things that he's done. He can't imagine why his family has. It's all just so screwed up, and he doesn't even know if there's a way to fix it. Jason is good with anger. He knows how to handle that. He knows what to do with it...how to channel it and use it, but this? He doesn't know what to do with self-loathing. He never really has. The only thing that he's ever done with these types of emotions was turn them into anger, so that way they could be used, but he can't do that anymore. He won't allow himself to do that anymore, but he clearly needs to figure out something if he's going to get what he wants, and Jason definitely wants what's in the other room.
The End