Jobs and other shit
Today saw the ending of an era. Steve J - lovable, cuddly, NICE, Uncle Steve - is leaving JMU. I can hardly believe it - how does that lucky bastard get to know what's going on in his life? How come it works out for him?
I don't believe that it won't work out for me - I just wish I knew when and how! I cried at work today - I've NEVER done that! Not that anyone saw - thank God. I couldn't bear their platitudes and their pretended kindness - just so they have something else to spread around about me. How egocentric is that? Do I really think they have nothing else to talk about? Of course they do.........
But they don't really like me, and if anyone had seen me crying......... Jane S would have been all lovey and 'are you ok?' - and I KNOW she would have had it all round the office by lunchtime tomorrow. Wayne wouldn't have known what to do with me - his 'are you OK?' would have been a case of 'I don't want to deal with this'. But I'd rather have that - at least there's some honesty. I couldn't have got away from Jane without telling her everything or being rude - neither of which I would particularly want.
So, where am I going? Well, it doesn't seem that I'm going to Corporate Services to be an on-line editor. Wayne said there's still time - but for all I know they might have had the interviews today! Then again, knowing Personnel they could be on Wednesday and I could be up!! *sigh* Steve asked me what my plans are - what plans? I don't have any plans - I just don't want to sit around waiting for JK to come back and take 'my job' back. That's what kicked me off - everything is just so unsure, so uncertain, so terrifying. And all Steve could say was 'it will all work out' - yeah, thanks Steve. It certainly worked out for you, didn't it?
*deep breath*
I really like Steve, and I really like Wayne and I really hate moaning to them - they can't fix it for me. Only I can fix it - but I don't even know if it needs fixing! That's the heart of it - I could line up a dream job with some organisation as far from JMU as it is possible to get, only to find that JK isn't coming back. Then again, I could sit around hoping and praying that JK lands her own dream job, only to see her waltz back into Planning in January. So what do I do? Wait for a miracle?
Well, I'm not the waiting around type. I need to be doing. Even if I end up staying in Planning - as a rotten Planning Assistant! - at least I'll know it isn't for the want of trying. At least I'll know I didn't just let Fate steamroller me. I nearly said 'or JK' but that would be cruel - and I haven't descended that far yet.
I still can't believe the things people in that office say about each other - and then smile to each others' faces. And that I'm virtually the black sheep, and I never say a bad word about any of them. I like to tell myself they can't deal with my honesty and straightforwardness - but maybe I'm just a mouthy cow who needs to learn to keep her gob shut. Well, I am learning - but no-one else knows when you could have said something and didn't - they just know when you should have kept quiet and didn't!
Still, what you see is what you get with me - that's still true. And I won't pretend to like someone I don't like. I will always be polite to everyone, and I won't look for fights, but if I don't like you, I don't like you. I wonder sometimes if people don't realise the fact that I don't like them, though? Do they take my politeness as liking rather than indifference? Because my mask is of a different type to theirs' (politeness rather than false smiles) perhaps they don't recognise it?
Whatever, Wayne is the only one I trust to be half-honest. But then, they all have qualities which I lack - they all know stuff I should know and don't - they all answer my stupid questions with good grace. God, I make it sound as if they are all slimy, evil no-marks without a single redeeming feature between them. Well, that isn't true either. They are just people - and you get people wherever you work. I don't want a new job to get away from them - I don't want a new job!
And so we come full circle - and that's why I cried today. Because the circle is endless at this moment in time. Yes, there are ways to break it, but so far none of them are happening - and I really didn't need to be reminded of that today.
Still, I feel better for ranting a little - I've said my piece, and my PC can't run away, so it has to put up with all the drivel. Yay!!
I don't believe that it won't work out for me - I just wish I knew when and how! I cried at work today - I've NEVER done that! Not that anyone saw - thank God. I couldn't bear their platitudes and their pretended kindness - just so they have something else to spread around about me. How egocentric is that? Do I really think they have nothing else to talk about? Of course they do.........
But they don't really like me, and if anyone had seen me crying......... Jane S would have been all lovey and 'are you ok?' - and I KNOW she would have had it all round the office by lunchtime tomorrow. Wayne wouldn't have known what to do with me - his 'are you OK?' would have been a case of 'I don't want to deal with this'. But I'd rather have that - at least there's some honesty. I couldn't have got away from Jane without telling her everything or being rude - neither of which I would particularly want.
So, where am I going? Well, it doesn't seem that I'm going to Corporate Services to be an on-line editor. Wayne said there's still time - but for all I know they might have had the interviews today! Then again, knowing Personnel they could be on Wednesday and I could be up!! *sigh* Steve asked me what my plans are - what plans? I don't have any plans - I just don't want to sit around waiting for JK to come back and take 'my job' back. That's what kicked me off - everything is just so unsure, so uncertain, so terrifying. And all Steve could say was 'it will all work out' - yeah, thanks Steve. It certainly worked out for you, didn't it?
*deep breath*
I really like Steve, and I really like Wayne and I really hate moaning to them - they can't fix it for me. Only I can fix it - but I don't even know if it needs fixing! That's the heart of it - I could line up a dream job with some organisation as far from JMU as it is possible to get, only to find that JK isn't coming back. Then again, I could sit around hoping and praying that JK lands her own dream job, only to see her waltz back into Planning in January. So what do I do? Wait for a miracle?
Well, I'm not the waiting around type. I need to be doing. Even if I end up staying in Planning - as a rotten Planning Assistant! - at least I'll know it isn't for the want of trying. At least I'll know I didn't just let Fate steamroller me. I nearly said 'or JK' but that would be cruel - and I haven't descended that far yet.
I still can't believe the things people in that office say about each other - and then smile to each others' faces. And that I'm virtually the black sheep, and I never say a bad word about any of them. I like to tell myself they can't deal with my honesty and straightforwardness - but maybe I'm just a mouthy cow who needs to learn to keep her gob shut. Well, I am learning - but no-one else knows when you could have said something and didn't - they just know when you should have kept quiet and didn't!
Still, what you see is what you get with me - that's still true. And I won't pretend to like someone I don't like. I will always be polite to everyone, and I won't look for fights, but if I don't like you, I don't like you. I wonder sometimes if people don't realise the fact that I don't like them, though? Do they take my politeness as liking rather than indifference? Because my mask is of a different type to theirs' (politeness rather than false smiles) perhaps they don't recognise it?
Whatever, Wayne is the only one I trust to be half-honest. But then, they all have qualities which I lack - they all know stuff I should know and don't - they all answer my stupid questions with good grace. God, I make it sound as if they are all slimy, evil no-marks without a single redeeming feature between them. Well, that isn't true either. They are just people - and you get people wherever you work. I don't want a new job to get away from them - I don't want a new job!
And so we come full circle - and that's why I cried today. Because the circle is endless at this moment in time. Yes, there are ways to break it, but so far none of them are happening - and I really didn't need to be reminded of that today.
Still, I feel better for ranting a little - I've said my piece, and my PC can't run away, so it has to put up with all the drivel. Yay!!