less than a week
lately...
*training for the montreal marathon! i signed up for it already september 14. i can't believe how into i am. such a jock.
*dinner with terri at bokong. orange chicken, chinese broccoli, deep fried oyster mushrooms. so delicious. the best meal i've had there yet and such excellent company
*tamarack has been shining her light into my life. my only regret is not hanging out with her more and sooner. that girl cracks me up!
*juls back! rad house show then away again. and coming to montreal 2 weeks after me. best news i had all day
*phone dates with my boyfriend and the fact she arrives in less than a week!
*great performances at for the girls the other night
*sweet queeruption dinner the other night. sad to leave everyone.
*superstoked to be asked to write for zines out there in the world. yeah! queer elder thats me. wrote a poly article for a poly zine thats coming out for ladyfest london next week and a fun in sobriety article for sf.
Tips from Two years of a Wild (and Ethical) Poly Ride.
Dedicated with so much love to my best friends, lovers and poly
mentors and all our partners past present and future who have been/will be our teachers.
All of our actions effect not only our relationships but our
communities as a whole. How we treat our most beloved is actually a
reflection of ourselves. So if we work hard at treating ourselves and
our partners with respect, compassion and kindness this will reflect
our highest nature. It all begins with loving ourselves. I believe we
are all capable of this! We are working diligently across the world at
creating new ways of living. But we must remember our history: that
queers have been practising poly for a long time, that our generation
is not the first.
Acceptance of you and your partners' learning curves
The first attempts at poly are often challenging for all parties
involved. One partner doesn't even really want to be poly or there are
communication problems or an all out refusal to abide by partners'
boundaries. What is ok with one partner may not be ok with another. We
are all learning at our own rates, we are all on different places on
the poly path. We are each other's teachers! Some of my friends told
me when i was in the midst of a double polyagony breakup that some
people just aren't meant to be poly. But deep down I knew I was and
had always been since I was a teenager. So I kept at it. I looked to
my peers who were doing poly successfully and soaked in all the wisdom
they had to offer. I read all the books like a religious zealot. Many
mistakes and learning curves later I have found a partner who truly
understands my poly nature and allows me to act on any sexual whim I
like as long as I ask permission and am safe. She often negotiates
with me through lovingly curious questions. Respect gentleness
reassurance and patience are key.
Respecting your partners' boundaries
Each partner comes with a different set of boundaries; no two partners
are alike. It is essential for me that I respect them as these are
people's hearts I am dealing with. Honour your partners' needs and
their partners' needs. Confidentiality is important when there are
fragile poly situations at hand. Currently my lover and i have a loose
rule of three dates with outside parties as my current partner is
nonomogamous and I am polyamourous which is interesting/ challenging
for both us. But holding to your word= reliability=trustworthiness.
This makes people feels loved and safe and rightly so. Creating a
feeling of safety in a relationship is essential for me through
communication followed up by right action.
Accountability/ responsibility
Taking responsibility for when we fuck up helps everyone involved in
the situation. Accountability is so needed for healing. It actually
empowers you. So when you fuck up: own up! Deal with your shit and
apologize. Journal it, talk it but come to the realization of
accountability for your actions. There are many ways to make amends to
your loved ones. The right time will present itself.
Not forcing yourself to date because your partner is!
When your partner gets a new date it is tempting to go out and find a
new date to balance the scale. But unless you are really hot for
someone, why date them? Overdating does not protect your heart, it
just distracts you from the present, from yourself. I am more relaxed
about the dating game than I used to be. I was so excited about having
a lover of every hair colour. But when I look around me the poly
relationships that are the most successful often have a primary and a
secondary. That alone is enough to maintain emotionally. These terms
are not used by everyone as they connotate hierarchy, but this model
seems to be the most do-able when I look at all the poly couples
around me. They are the most long lasting.
NRT/polyagony
This is the hardest time. New Relationship Time. When your partner
finds someone new. I look around me and see many people experimenting
with poly which is awesome! But often times when someone new comes
around they soon dump their old partner. This is not poly! This
follows a monogamist affair model of dating. Poly is having two or
more partners running simultaneously not just for a few months but
even into years.
When you are in polyagony sit with it. It is a learning place.
Buddhism has taught me this. Stay in the present with yourself. Stay
with your feelings. Respect them. Don't run away. Be brave. Embrace
life in all its incarnations. As they say in Buddhism our suffering
can wake us up! Don't get trapped in your fears. Meet them face to
face. Be with the exhaustion, the sorrow. You are growing, changing,
evolving. The experience will bring us wholeness, widen our souls if
we let it. Most of all be extra gentle and loving with yourself during
these times.
Doing your own thing: get your inner glow on
When your partner is busy with another it is good to remember all the
things that make you happy ie. music, friends, writing, art, exercise,
meditation. The activities you love that make you glow inside. These
are things that make your partner love you but most importantly that
make you love you!
Communicate
Know your needs. Communicate your needs. Your partner cannot read your
mind! Living in truth is what our soul deeply desires. I try hard to
be clear about the status of my intimate relationships. There are so
many different types of intimacy. ie platonic sleepover wives, out of
town dates, phone dates, sex party randomness. Lovers have the right
to know what is going on. I try to communicate on what I think is a
high level about this as I have got in trouble in the past for
neglecting to mention certain people which is my bad! Tips for
communication: outside the bedroom, not immediately after a poly
"crisis" and at a sensible hour.
Jealousy
If you get the green monster out into the light it somehow becomes
less scary. Because it can get all weird and grow in the cupboard if
you let it. Own it, dissect it: look at what is behind it! Jealousy is
a veil that hides other things. How can you make your partner feel
more secure? Comfortable with their sacred vulnerability? If your
partner feels secure they will not feel jealous or threatened. Show
them you value them, treat them like a queen/ king. Love them
beautifully! Jealousy is systemic; it upholds the patriarchal
capitalist society we live in. Smash the system! There is no scarcity
in love like they would have us believe, only abundance!
Flexibility
Sometimes your date pops in from out of town or your partner's date
needs to change datenight or whatever. It's good to be flexible about
this because everyone has busy lives. Time management is what poly is
all about!
Your partners' partner(s)
This is difficult but satisfying work. Try to meet them earlier on as
it halts demonization or thinking they are perfect. We are all just
humans. I once was ambiguously dating this girl. One night I found
myself sitting at a dinner table with her ex and her current lovers. I
was impressed that we all got to meet almost before we started dating
so she could see how we would all work together. In that case we all
really liked each other. Another friend of mine plans surprises,
dinners, performances with the other partner for their shared loved
one. She also once sent them a beautiful gift which relieved a lot of
tension between them. Small offerings. Small steps. Smiles. For me it
is so important to be able to get along with my partners' partners.
Are their primary partners really ok with you? Can you be functional
and healthy poly family? Sometimes sadly we are just not meant to be
friends. Other times we all end up having sex! So you never know.....
Ending relationships well
Each relationship I enter I try to leave with tenderness kindness and
good communication. That is my goal but people are complex balls of
emotions and passion and this doesn't always work. I can get mad or
they can get upset, but I much prefer keeping my beloveds in my life.
And luckily many of my (ex?)lovers work at the aftermath/ transition
to the new place alongside our new partners. I send them loving
kindness (metta) in my meditation. I make amends if there are any to
be made. Because how we end our relationships effects us for life,
them for life, our future relationships and our surrounding
communities. Let's work on being good to each other. Don't talk shit.
Keep it posi!
Change
Relationships change throughout the years. I have so many undefinable
kinds of love with such a vast array of friends and lovers that I
would never want to give up. We are continually transforming and our
relationships reflect this. Consent to the present moment. Try to
accept when a relationship changes to into a breaktime, a different
stage, or friendship. But some of them come around again in a new way
at a later date. Poly is an interesting journey indeed. Who can tell
what life holds for all of us? All this sexy mysterious adventure is
out there waiting for us.
*solid hangouts with tif. montreal plans being laid.
*good times ahead surrounded by my collective of best friends.
come visit! got my own place for june 1 with a back garden next to an old friend and near to ben. amazing.
*training for the montreal marathon! i signed up for it already september 14. i can't believe how into i am. such a jock.
*dinner with terri at bokong. orange chicken, chinese broccoli, deep fried oyster mushrooms. so delicious. the best meal i've had there yet and such excellent company
*tamarack has been shining her light into my life. my only regret is not hanging out with her more and sooner. that girl cracks me up!
*juls back! rad house show then away again. and coming to montreal 2 weeks after me. best news i had all day
*phone dates with my boyfriend and the fact she arrives in less than a week!
*great performances at for the girls the other night
*sweet queeruption dinner the other night. sad to leave everyone.
*superstoked to be asked to write for zines out there in the world. yeah! queer elder thats me. wrote a poly article for a poly zine thats coming out for ladyfest london next week and a fun in sobriety article for sf.
Tips from Two years of a Wild (and Ethical) Poly Ride.
Dedicated with so much love to my best friends, lovers and poly
mentors and all our partners past present and future who have been/will be our teachers.
All of our actions effect not only our relationships but our
communities as a whole. How we treat our most beloved is actually a
reflection of ourselves. So if we work hard at treating ourselves and
our partners with respect, compassion and kindness this will reflect
our highest nature. It all begins with loving ourselves. I believe we
are all capable of this! We are working diligently across the world at
creating new ways of living. But we must remember our history: that
queers have been practising poly for a long time, that our generation
is not the first.
Acceptance of you and your partners' learning curves
The first attempts at poly are often challenging for all parties
involved. One partner doesn't even really want to be poly or there are
communication problems or an all out refusal to abide by partners'
boundaries. What is ok with one partner may not be ok with another. We
are all learning at our own rates, we are all on different places on
the poly path. We are each other's teachers! Some of my friends told
me when i was in the midst of a double polyagony breakup that some
people just aren't meant to be poly. But deep down I knew I was and
had always been since I was a teenager. So I kept at it. I looked to
my peers who were doing poly successfully and soaked in all the wisdom
they had to offer. I read all the books like a religious zealot. Many
mistakes and learning curves later I have found a partner who truly
understands my poly nature and allows me to act on any sexual whim I
like as long as I ask permission and am safe. She often negotiates
with me through lovingly curious questions. Respect gentleness
reassurance and patience are key.
Respecting your partners' boundaries
Each partner comes with a different set of boundaries; no two partners
are alike. It is essential for me that I respect them as these are
people's hearts I am dealing with. Honour your partners' needs and
their partners' needs. Confidentiality is important when there are
fragile poly situations at hand. Currently my lover and i have a loose
rule of three dates with outside parties as my current partner is
nonomogamous and I am polyamourous which is interesting/ challenging
for both us. But holding to your word= reliability=trustworthiness.
This makes people feels loved and safe and rightly so. Creating a
feeling of safety in a relationship is essential for me through
communication followed up by right action.
Accountability/ responsibility
Taking responsibility for when we fuck up helps everyone involved in
the situation. Accountability is so needed for healing. It actually
empowers you. So when you fuck up: own up! Deal with your shit and
apologize. Journal it, talk it but come to the realization of
accountability for your actions. There are many ways to make amends to
your loved ones. The right time will present itself.
Not forcing yourself to date because your partner is!
When your partner gets a new date it is tempting to go out and find a
new date to balance the scale. But unless you are really hot for
someone, why date them? Overdating does not protect your heart, it
just distracts you from the present, from yourself. I am more relaxed
about the dating game than I used to be. I was so excited about having
a lover of every hair colour. But when I look around me the poly
relationships that are the most successful often have a primary and a
secondary. That alone is enough to maintain emotionally. These terms
are not used by everyone as they connotate hierarchy, but this model
seems to be the most do-able when I look at all the poly couples
around me. They are the most long lasting.
NRT/polyagony
This is the hardest time. New Relationship Time. When your partner
finds someone new. I look around me and see many people experimenting
with poly which is awesome! But often times when someone new comes
around they soon dump their old partner. This is not poly! This
follows a monogamist affair model of dating. Poly is having two or
more partners running simultaneously not just for a few months but
even into years.
When you are in polyagony sit with it. It is a learning place.
Buddhism has taught me this. Stay in the present with yourself. Stay
with your feelings. Respect them. Don't run away. Be brave. Embrace
life in all its incarnations. As they say in Buddhism our suffering
can wake us up! Don't get trapped in your fears. Meet them face to
face. Be with the exhaustion, the sorrow. You are growing, changing,
evolving. The experience will bring us wholeness, widen our souls if
we let it. Most of all be extra gentle and loving with yourself during
these times.
Doing your own thing: get your inner glow on
When your partner is busy with another it is good to remember all the
things that make you happy ie. music, friends, writing, art, exercise,
meditation. The activities you love that make you glow inside. These
are things that make your partner love you but most importantly that
make you love you!
Communicate
Know your needs. Communicate your needs. Your partner cannot read your
mind! Living in truth is what our soul deeply desires. I try hard to
be clear about the status of my intimate relationships. There are so
many different types of intimacy. ie platonic sleepover wives, out of
town dates, phone dates, sex party randomness. Lovers have the right
to know what is going on. I try to communicate on what I think is a
high level about this as I have got in trouble in the past for
neglecting to mention certain people which is my bad! Tips for
communication: outside the bedroom, not immediately after a poly
"crisis" and at a sensible hour.
Jealousy
If you get the green monster out into the light it somehow becomes
less scary. Because it can get all weird and grow in the cupboard if
you let it. Own it, dissect it: look at what is behind it! Jealousy is
a veil that hides other things. How can you make your partner feel
more secure? Comfortable with their sacred vulnerability? If your
partner feels secure they will not feel jealous or threatened. Show
them you value them, treat them like a queen/ king. Love them
beautifully! Jealousy is systemic; it upholds the patriarchal
capitalist society we live in. Smash the system! There is no scarcity
in love like they would have us believe, only abundance!
Flexibility
Sometimes your date pops in from out of town or your partner's date
needs to change datenight or whatever. It's good to be flexible about
this because everyone has busy lives. Time management is what poly is
all about!
Your partners' partner(s)
This is difficult but satisfying work. Try to meet them earlier on as
it halts demonization or thinking they are perfect. We are all just
humans. I once was ambiguously dating this girl. One night I found
myself sitting at a dinner table with her ex and her current lovers. I
was impressed that we all got to meet almost before we started dating
so she could see how we would all work together. In that case we all
really liked each other. Another friend of mine plans surprises,
dinners, performances with the other partner for their shared loved
one. She also once sent them a beautiful gift which relieved a lot of
tension between them. Small offerings. Small steps. Smiles. For me it
is so important to be able to get along with my partners' partners.
Are their primary partners really ok with you? Can you be functional
and healthy poly family? Sometimes sadly we are just not meant to be
friends. Other times we all end up having sex! So you never know.....
Ending relationships well
Each relationship I enter I try to leave with tenderness kindness and
good communication. That is my goal but people are complex balls of
emotions and passion and this doesn't always work. I can get mad or
they can get upset, but I much prefer keeping my beloveds in my life.
And luckily many of my (ex?)lovers work at the aftermath/ transition
to the new place alongside our new partners. I send them loving
kindness (metta) in my meditation. I make amends if there are any to
be made. Because how we end our relationships effects us for life,
them for life, our future relationships and our surrounding
communities. Let's work on being good to each other. Don't talk shit.
Keep it posi!
Change
Relationships change throughout the years. I have so many undefinable
kinds of love with such a vast array of friends and lovers that I
would never want to give up. We are continually transforming and our
relationships reflect this. Consent to the present moment. Try to
accept when a relationship changes to into a breaktime, a different
stage, or friendship. But some of them come around again in a new way
at a later date. Poly is an interesting journey indeed. Who can tell
what life holds for all of us? All this sexy mysterious adventure is
out there waiting for us.
*solid hangouts with tif. montreal plans being laid.
*good times ahead surrounded by my collective of best friends.
come visit! got my own place for june 1 with a back garden next to an old friend and near to ben. amazing.