looking ahead
i think i'm looking into the future to much now...
i'm almost now scared to go into a relationship rearing to love someone. if they don't have the same feeling for me, how can the relationship be equal? i just need to know in time if he has the same feelings i do for him. the last guy didn't. that hurt. badly. i don't want that again. i couldn't bare it in the after math. yes i was able to get up and dust myself off. but trusting another would be the issue. how would i know they're loyal to me? have the same feelings and thoughts about things on the relationship level.
i'm happy at wher i am again.
i love where i am. but i also love home. i suppose i am very adaptable. i also love what i'm doing. i love my studies. i love the people i get to work with im MY classes. i love the department (geography) i'm in. and i'm hoping to find a job down here with them for this summer. yes i hope to stay the summer down here at SIU. if the job pays lower than what the old job back at home did... then 2 jobs could be needed. i'd do that. however i do miss my freinds dearly. i miss my family. of all though i miss tennessee the most. i would do anything at a time like right now to just go there for 2 days and relax. yes i love my life but sometimes it can become slighty stressful. i love that place and the people there, i couldn't see me going back anytime soon though. and that is waht kills me inside. in the summer i'm going back. i need to go back. i need to say good bye. the next time i go it might not be for a while i come back. that makes me sick to my stomache to even think about that. i miss my grandma. i can't remember missing someone this badly, i truely can't. i miss her more then when i cried myslef to sleep because i missed my dad when i was 3 and away from home for 2 months and only saw him about 2 weeks... i miss more then anything and it eats me alive to never know if she'd be proud of me and the choices i've made. i want to live up to something that would of made HER proud. Not something that would make my parents or even me proud. She was my hero and for that i can only do things in life that i think she would be proud of me for and think i did a good job in life.
i'm almost now scared to go into a relationship rearing to love someone. if they don't have the same feeling for me, how can the relationship be equal? i just need to know in time if he has the same feelings i do for him. the last guy didn't. that hurt. badly. i don't want that again. i couldn't bare it in the after math. yes i was able to get up and dust myself off. but trusting another would be the issue. how would i know they're loyal to me? have the same feelings and thoughts about things on the relationship level.
i'm happy at wher i am again.
i love where i am. but i also love home. i suppose i am very adaptable. i also love what i'm doing. i love my studies. i love the people i get to work with im MY classes. i love the department (geography) i'm in. and i'm hoping to find a job down here with them for this summer. yes i hope to stay the summer down here at SIU. if the job pays lower than what the old job back at home did... then 2 jobs could be needed. i'd do that. however i do miss my freinds dearly. i miss my family. of all though i miss tennessee the most. i would do anything at a time like right now to just go there for 2 days and relax. yes i love my life but sometimes it can become slighty stressful. i love that place and the people there, i couldn't see me going back anytime soon though. and that is waht kills me inside. in the summer i'm going back. i need to go back. i need to say good bye. the next time i go it might not be for a while i come back. that makes me sick to my stomache to even think about that. i miss my grandma. i can't remember missing someone this badly, i truely can't. i miss her more then when i cried myslef to sleep because i missed my dad when i was 3 and away from home for 2 months and only saw him about 2 weeks... i miss more then anything and it eats me alive to never know if she'd be proud of me and the choices i've made. i want to live up to something that would of made HER proud. Not something that would make my parents or even me proud. She was my hero and for that i can only do things in life that i think she would be proud of me for and think i did a good job in life.