Fic: Sentire (9/9)
Title: Sentire (9/9)
Author: Ella Jane
Characters: Nine/Rose, Jack
Chapter Rating: PG-13
Series Rating: NC-17
Timeline: AU from The Doctor Dances
A/N: And then we came to the end. :) Thank you all SO MUCH for your brilliant, insightful comments and feedback. After languishing on my hard drive for months on end, finally posting this story was far more rewarding than I ever thought it would be. I can't thank
invisible_lift enough for trudging through it multiple times, improving it beyond measure with each pass. Please see the note at the end about the reaction post. :)
PSA: Light text on a dark background can make good fic go bad. Click here to view the entry in your own journal format.
x-posted to
dwfiction,
time_and_chips, and
better_with_3, and archived at Teaspoon.
part one | part two | part three | interlude | part four | part five | part six | part seven | part eight
* * * * * * *
sentire: (L.) experience, feel, perceive, see, think, realize, understand.
* * * * * * *
Their surroundings, all of time and space, had disappeared. She didn't even know if she was breathing.
At first, she could see nothing but piercing blue. But soon, it was like he was showing her things, almost one by one, and then there was everything, all of him, laid bare for her in his eyes. He let her take her time, and she took in as much as she could, lingering over some, glancing over others she thought might be too hard for him to know she had seen. But it was all there, for her, all of it.
When she was finished, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and moved into him. She tucked her head under his chin, pressed her cheek to his chest, and slid her arms under his coat to lock around his waist.
He pulled the coat around her shoulders as far as it would go, and held on. He moved her, turning back and forth, gently rocking, his head bent over hers. A strange sensation washed over her, and suddenly, she thought that maybe, just maybe, she understood.
* * * * * * *
She pulled back a bit and smoothed her hands over his jumper, staring at the middle of his chest, her eyebrows knit together.
"What is it?" the Doctor asked quietly.
"I wish..." She paused. "I don't know, but just then, I felt like I wanted to... climb inside you... be... absorbed, I guess..." She shook her head, frustrated at the words she knew weren't sufficient.
"Something more than just interlocking?"
"Right."
"That's it," the Doctor said, his voice low. "That's what it was for us. Two spirits coming together, but spirit isn't physical, not in a way that would make any sense to you. Instead of bodies, it's a melding of minds, energies, essences, into a single entity where the original components become indistinguishable from one another. Like two glasses of water poured into a single container, where it becomes impossible to determine which molecule came from which glass. It's only temporary, of course, but it is that complete."
Rose considered this, feeling both fearful and in awe of what he was describing. "And that happened last night?"
"It started to. I didn't even know it could, although looking back, it does make sense, and it was stupid of me not to recognize the possibility. Really, really stupid."
"Recognize what possibility?"
"In general, humans don't have the ability to open their minds to the extent necessary to do what we did. There are walls, in a sense, mental safeguards, some you aren't even aware of. I've known monks who've practiced meditation for years and still aren't able to completely free themselves from these defense mechanisms."
"Then how come I could do it, without even trying?"
"It sounds a bit coarse, but it must have happened when you came. I don't know exactly what goes on inside a human's head at that precise moment, but I'm guessing that if there's ever a time where you lower your guard, or lose it entirely, that's it."
She smiled at this. "I guess so. I know I can't get there unless I stop thinking about it, let my brain shut down. And it never happened with anyone else... until you." She was suddenly quite shy, like talking to him about having an orgasm was somehow more embarrassing than him having watched her have a hundred of them. "But why last night? It's not like it was the first time... I mean, you've made that happen for me so many times before, and Jack had been around before too. What was different about last night?"
The Doctor's face fell, like he'd been dreading this very question all night. He looked away, and she could almost see the shame clouding his entire being. His voice was low, so very quiet. "It's because I lost control. Rose, I'm so sorry. I... I pushed into you, into your head. What we did, the Time Lords... that's how it starts. I always, always held back before, just to be safe, even though I never thought it could actually happen. But last night, watching you, seeing you, I couldn't stop myself. I gave in, and I pushed, and it worked. I invaded your mind and I scared you and I caused you pain and I left you and I am so, so sorry. It was absolutely unforgivable."
He spit the last words out with such anger, such self-loathing, Rose flinched. He could not face her, could not look at her, could not let her see the tears that clouded his eyes, not after everything else.
"Except, I forgive you." She said it simply, like it was the most obvious reaction in the world.
"What?" His head snapped around, and he stared at her now, his wet eyes dark and suspicious.
She shrugged slightly. "I forgive you. You explained what happened, and you apologized, and I forgive you."
The Doctor continued to stare at her. "What is the matter with you? Are you really that simple?" His voice dripped with scorn and sarcasm as he came toward her. "Do you think you can just look up at me with with your wide, trusting eyes and say 'I forgive you' and it's no problem, that's the end of it?" His voice continued to rise, both in volume and intensity, and his eyes blazed as he grabbed her upper arms, shaking her in rhythm with his words. "I violated your mind, Rose. I gave in to my own selfish need, my need to possess you, to make you do something that would bring me pleasure, and I forced my way into your head. Doesn't that mean anything? Don't you care? Don't you have any respect for your..."
"Shut up." In one smooth, surprisingly forceful motion, Rose raised her fists up from the center of her body and flung them out, shoving the Doctor's grip from her arms. Her voice was low and calm, jarring after his rant, and he froze. "For once, just shut up, and listen. You don't get to be angry with me, not now. I'm the only one who gets to be angry and you know that full well. Look at me," she said suddenly when his eyes dropped from hers. He complied in an instant. "Yes, you entered my mind uninvited, but I'm not angry about that. Do you really think there's any part of me that you can't have? But I am angry that you didn't trust me enough to tell me about any of this before. And I am angry that you didn't trust me enough to ask for what you wanted, after you gave me so much of yourself, so freely." She stopped and took a breath. "But most of all, I'm angry at everyone and everything you've encountered in your nine hundred years that made you believe that you don't deserve me."
He stared at her in stunned silence, and though his outward expression was still one of anger, there was a slow, certain shift in his eyes, and she knew she was right. He tried to back away from her but she moved forward, clutching the sleeves of his jacket.
"No." Rose's voice was sharp enough to bring his eyes back up to hers in surprise. "You stay right there, and you listen to me." Her own eyes were full now, and her voice started to break, but she could not hold back anymore. "I'm nothing but a stupid ape, right? Rose Tyler, shopgirl, mucking about a council estate with her daft mother and idiot boyfriend. Just another silly human. There's nothing special about me, right? But you know what? I am still worthy of you."
The Doctor's head fell forward, almost in supplication, and she slid her hands up to brace the back of his neck, running her thumbs along either side of his jaw. The wells in her eyes finally gave way, and her breath caught in her chest as she fought to get her words out. "And you? You are nothing but a stupid Time Lord, crossing centuries and galaxies to save world after world from disaster and destruction." Her trembling lips broke into a smile even as the tears rolled freely down her face. "There's nothing special about you, Doctor, but you are worthy of me."
The words hung in the air for a long moment, until his eyes fell closed. "Oh, Rose..."
"Quiet," she interrupted, her voice barely above a whisper. "Just... be quiet." She pulled on his neck to bring his forehead down to hers. His hands came up, smoothing lightly over her hair before cradling the back of her head, mirroring her position. They stood like that for a long time, letting the sound of the waves calm their breathing into a steady, synchronized rhythm. Eventually, he turned her head and slowly, gently, pulled her mouth to his.
Rose thought she may have felt something new in that kiss, like the last piece of the puzzle had finally fallen into place.
* * * * * * *
The Doctor pulled back and looked at her with some seriousness. "Rose, about Jack... I just don't think... I mean, I have no right to tell you what to do, but..."
"It's okay," Rose answered, her arms locking around his waist as he once again wrapped his jacket around her back. She nestled against him, and sighed. "I'm not sure I could let him have you anymore either."
"Man! You work so hard to bring two people together, and they repay you by kicking you out of their bed?!"
Rose and the Doctor snapped their heads up in unison to find Jack leaning in the doorway of the TARDIS, a half-empty bottle of champagne in one hand, his smile a mile wide.
"How long were you standing there?" the Doctor demanded as Jack started toward them, stumbling over the rocks a bit more than he might otherwise have.
"Well, when I opened the door... just checking to make sure she hadn't killed you, I swear... you were doing that very sweet forehead-leaning thing." Still smiling, Jack finally reached them, passing the bottle to the Doctor before putting a hand on each of their shoulders. "Then I heard the part about the very sweet monogamy thing, and decided congratulations were in order. And, of course, one last kiss, which, I think you'll agree, is the least you can give me to show your gratitude." He leaned in to Rose first, giving her a swift but solid kiss on the mouth, then took her into his arms.
"Love you," he whispered into her ear.
"Love you, too," she laughed, her hand brushing his cheek as he pulled back to smile at her, before turning toward the Doctor.
"And you, you big lug..." Jack kissed the Doctor just as solidly and pulled him into a bear hug. "You know, except for the somewhat tragic side effect of me being forced into trolling alien dance clubs for companionship, I couldn't be happier for you crazy kids." He grabbed the champagne bottle back and took a long drink, then spread his arms out wide. "And look, you'll always have the lovely coast of Mohair-del-Angela..."
"Roha-mir-Anzila," the Doctor corrected, rolling his eyes.
"..as your air-quote special place close-air-quote." Jack beamed at the two of them, then turned suddenly serious. "Oh, wait, did you two want to, like, christen this beach? Tell you what, I'll go back inside, finish your champagne, and see if I can charm the TARDIS into intercepting some staticky intergalactic porn channel. You guys take your time..."
"I think we're fine," Rose laughed, turning Jack around and shoving playfully against his back, moving him back toward the TARDIS. She and the Doctor followed along behind him. "Never really understood the appeal, myself. It's hard enough getting sand out of your shoes, much less..."
"Got it, thanks," the Doctor interrupted, smiling down at her.
"Yeah?" she asked, reaching for his hand.
"Yeah," he replied, threading his fingers with hers.
"So sweet," Jack muttered ahead of them, taking another swig of champagne.
* * * * * * *
the end
* * * * * * *
P.S.: REACTION POST! I have posted a placeholder entry for a reaction/discussion post here. I'd be thrilled if you wanted to check it out over the next couple of days, now that you've read the whole story, to let me know generally what you liked and what you didn't. You can jump in with feedback about anything whenever you want, and I'll be adding some of my own commentary-ish notes shortly. Please don't be shy about constructive criticism, as you cannot hurt my feelings -- all it'll do is make me a better writer. :) And of course, if you have any specific questions, feel free to ask in the comments as well!
Thank you so much for reading!
Author: Ella Jane
Characters: Nine/Rose, Jack
Chapter Rating: PG-13
Series Rating: NC-17
Timeline: AU from The Doctor Dances
A/N: And then we came to the end. :) Thank you all SO MUCH for your brilliant, insightful comments and feedback. After languishing on my hard drive for months on end, finally posting this story was far more rewarding than I ever thought it would be. I can't thank
invisible_lift enough for trudging through it multiple times, improving it beyond measure with each pass. Please see the note at the end about the reaction post. :)
PSA: Light text on a dark background can make good fic go bad. Click here to view the entry in your own journal format.
x-posted to
dwfiction,
time_and_chips, and
better_with_3, and archived at Teaspoon.
part one | part two | part three | interlude | part four | part five | part six | part seven | part eight
* * * * * * *
sentire: (L.) experience, feel, perceive, see, think, realize, understand.
* * * * * * *
Their surroundings, all of time and space, had disappeared. She didn't even know if she was breathing.
At first, she could see nothing but piercing blue. But soon, it was like he was showing her things, almost one by one, and then there was everything, all of him, laid bare for her in his eyes. He let her take her time, and she took in as much as she could, lingering over some, glancing over others she thought might be too hard for him to know she had seen. But it was all there, for her, all of it.
When she was finished, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and moved into him. She tucked her head under his chin, pressed her cheek to his chest, and slid her arms under his coat to lock around his waist.
He pulled the coat around her shoulders as far as it would go, and held on. He moved her, turning back and forth, gently rocking, his head bent over hers. A strange sensation washed over her, and suddenly, she thought that maybe, just maybe, she understood.
* * * * * * *
She pulled back a bit and smoothed her hands over his jumper, staring at the middle of his chest, her eyebrows knit together.
"What is it?" the Doctor asked quietly.
"I wish..." She paused. "I don't know, but just then, I felt like I wanted to... climb inside you... be... absorbed, I guess..." She shook her head, frustrated at the words she knew weren't sufficient.
"Something more than just interlocking?"
"Right."
"That's it," the Doctor said, his voice low. "That's what it was for us. Two spirits coming together, but spirit isn't physical, not in a way that would make any sense to you. Instead of bodies, it's a melding of minds, energies, essences, into a single entity where the original components become indistinguishable from one another. Like two glasses of water poured into a single container, where it becomes impossible to determine which molecule came from which glass. It's only temporary, of course, but it is that complete."
Rose considered this, feeling both fearful and in awe of what he was describing. "And that happened last night?"
"It started to. I didn't even know it could, although looking back, it does make sense, and it was stupid of me not to recognize the possibility. Really, really stupid."
"Recognize what possibility?"
"In general, humans don't have the ability to open their minds to the extent necessary to do what we did. There are walls, in a sense, mental safeguards, some you aren't even aware of. I've known monks who've practiced meditation for years and still aren't able to completely free themselves from these defense mechanisms."
"Then how come I could do it, without even trying?"
"It sounds a bit coarse, but it must have happened when you came. I don't know exactly what goes on inside a human's head at that precise moment, but I'm guessing that if there's ever a time where you lower your guard, or lose it entirely, that's it."
She smiled at this. "I guess so. I know I can't get there unless I stop thinking about it, let my brain shut down. And it never happened with anyone else... until you." She was suddenly quite shy, like talking to him about having an orgasm was somehow more embarrassing than him having watched her have a hundred of them. "But why last night? It's not like it was the first time... I mean, you've made that happen for me so many times before, and Jack had been around before too. What was different about last night?"
The Doctor's face fell, like he'd been dreading this very question all night. He looked away, and she could almost see the shame clouding his entire being. His voice was low, so very quiet. "It's because I lost control. Rose, I'm so sorry. I... I pushed into you, into your head. What we did, the Time Lords... that's how it starts. I always, always held back before, just to be safe, even though I never thought it could actually happen. But last night, watching you, seeing you, I couldn't stop myself. I gave in, and I pushed, and it worked. I invaded your mind and I scared you and I caused you pain and I left you and I am so, so sorry. It was absolutely unforgivable."
He spit the last words out with such anger, such self-loathing, Rose flinched. He could not face her, could not look at her, could not let her see the tears that clouded his eyes, not after everything else.
"Except, I forgive you." She said it simply, like it was the most obvious reaction in the world.
"What?" His head snapped around, and he stared at her now, his wet eyes dark and suspicious.
She shrugged slightly. "I forgive you. You explained what happened, and you apologized, and I forgive you."
The Doctor continued to stare at her. "What is the matter with you? Are you really that simple?" His voice dripped with scorn and sarcasm as he came toward her. "Do you think you can just look up at me with with your wide, trusting eyes and say 'I forgive you' and it's no problem, that's the end of it?" His voice continued to rise, both in volume and intensity, and his eyes blazed as he grabbed her upper arms, shaking her in rhythm with his words. "I violated your mind, Rose. I gave in to my own selfish need, my need to possess you, to make you do something that would bring me pleasure, and I forced my way into your head. Doesn't that mean anything? Don't you care? Don't you have any respect for your..."
"Shut up." In one smooth, surprisingly forceful motion, Rose raised her fists up from the center of her body and flung them out, shoving the Doctor's grip from her arms. Her voice was low and calm, jarring after his rant, and he froze. "For once, just shut up, and listen. You don't get to be angry with me, not now. I'm the only one who gets to be angry and you know that full well. Look at me," she said suddenly when his eyes dropped from hers. He complied in an instant. "Yes, you entered my mind uninvited, but I'm not angry about that. Do you really think there's any part of me that you can't have? But I am angry that you didn't trust me enough to tell me about any of this before. And I am angry that you didn't trust me enough to ask for what you wanted, after you gave me so much of yourself, so freely." She stopped and took a breath. "But most of all, I'm angry at everyone and everything you've encountered in your nine hundred years that made you believe that you don't deserve me."
He stared at her in stunned silence, and though his outward expression was still one of anger, there was a slow, certain shift in his eyes, and she knew she was right. He tried to back away from her but she moved forward, clutching the sleeves of his jacket.
"No." Rose's voice was sharp enough to bring his eyes back up to hers in surprise. "You stay right there, and you listen to me." Her own eyes were full now, and her voice started to break, but she could not hold back anymore. "I'm nothing but a stupid ape, right? Rose Tyler, shopgirl, mucking about a council estate with her daft mother and idiot boyfriend. Just another silly human. There's nothing special about me, right? But you know what? I am still worthy of you."
The Doctor's head fell forward, almost in supplication, and she slid her hands up to brace the back of his neck, running her thumbs along either side of his jaw. The wells in her eyes finally gave way, and her breath caught in her chest as she fought to get her words out. "And you? You are nothing but a stupid Time Lord, crossing centuries and galaxies to save world after world from disaster and destruction." Her trembling lips broke into a smile even as the tears rolled freely down her face. "There's nothing special about you, Doctor, but you are worthy of me."
The words hung in the air for a long moment, until his eyes fell closed. "Oh, Rose..."
"Quiet," she interrupted, her voice barely above a whisper. "Just... be quiet." She pulled on his neck to bring his forehead down to hers. His hands came up, smoothing lightly over her hair before cradling the back of her head, mirroring her position. They stood like that for a long time, letting the sound of the waves calm their breathing into a steady, synchronized rhythm. Eventually, he turned her head and slowly, gently, pulled her mouth to his.
Rose thought she may have felt something new in that kiss, like the last piece of the puzzle had finally fallen into place.
* * * * * * *
The Doctor pulled back and looked at her with some seriousness. "Rose, about Jack... I just don't think... I mean, I have no right to tell you what to do, but..."
"It's okay," Rose answered, her arms locking around his waist as he once again wrapped his jacket around her back. She nestled against him, and sighed. "I'm not sure I could let him have you anymore either."
"Man! You work so hard to bring two people together, and they repay you by kicking you out of their bed?!"
Rose and the Doctor snapped their heads up in unison to find Jack leaning in the doorway of the TARDIS, a half-empty bottle of champagne in one hand, his smile a mile wide.
"How long were you standing there?" the Doctor demanded as Jack started toward them, stumbling over the rocks a bit more than he might otherwise have.
"Well, when I opened the door... just checking to make sure she hadn't killed you, I swear... you were doing that very sweet forehead-leaning thing." Still smiling, Jack finally reached them, passing the bottle to the Doctor before putting a hand on each of their shoulders. "Then I heard the part about the very sweet monogamy thing, and decided congratulations were in order. And, of course, one last kiss, which, I think you'll agree, is the least you can give me to show your gratitude." He leaned in to Rose first, giving her a swift but solid kiss on the mouth, then took her into his arms.
"Love you," he whispered into her ear.
"Love you, too," she laughed, her hand brushing his cheek as he pulled back to smile at her, before turning toward the Doctor.
"And you, you big lug..." Jack kissed the Doctor just as solidly and pulled him into a bear hug. "You know, except for the somewhat tragic side effect of me being forced into trolling alien dance clubs for companionship, I couldn't be happier for you crazy kids." He grabbed the champagne bottle back and took a long drink, then spread his arms out wide. "And look, you'll always have the lovely coast of Mohair-del-Angela..."
"Roha-mir-Anzila," the Doctor corrected, rolling his eyes.
"..as your air-quote special place close-air-quote." Jack beamed at the two of them, then turned suddenly serious. "Oh, wait, did you two want to, like, christen this beach? Tell you what, I'll go back inside, finish your champagne, and see if I can charm the TARDIS into intercepting some staticky intergalactic porn channel. You guys take your time..."
"I think we're fine," Rose laughed, turning Jack around and shoving playfully against his back, moving him back toward the TARDIS. She and the Doctor followed along behind him. "Never really understood the appeal, myself. It's hard enough getting sand out of your shoes, much less..."
"Got it, thanks," the Doctor interrupted, smiling down at her.
"Yeah?" she asked, reaching for his hand.
"Yeah," he replied, threading his fingers with hers.
"So sweet," Jack muttered ahead of them, taking another swig of champagne.
* * * * * * *
the end
* * * * * * *
P.S.: REACTION POST! I have posted a placeholder entry for a reaction/discussion post here. I'd be thrilled if you wanted to check it out over the next couple of days, now that you've read the whole story, to let me know generally what you liked and what you didn't. You can jump in with feedback about anything whenever you want, and I'll be adding some of my own commentary-ish notes shortly. Please don't be shy about constructive criticism, as you cannot hurt my feelings -- all it'll do is make me a better writer. :) And of course, if you have any specific questions, feel free to ask in the comments as well!
Thank you so much for reading!