I would have no need for fuzzy lifting drinks.
I'd like to say that I'm at a loss for words, but that isn't quite the case. I have so many ideas and thoughts running through my head, that I'm having a really hard time formulating sentences, composed sentences that someone else might understand. But thats just the thing, its so impossible to completely make the ideas that run through our minds, into something that you can verbally (or in this case, textually) relay for someone else to understand. I've been feeling lately. Like, truly feeling. It's a strange feeling, so to speak. I feel like I'm alive, which makes me wonder exactly what I have been all this time. I don't remember a point where I stopped feeling alive, nothing definite. This tends to happen when I don't drink or smoke for a day or two, but this time it's been getting more and more intense. The air tonight, driving back to Lansing, it felt and smelled different. It had a different weight to it, a different crispness. It was chilly enough that I needed a sweater, but didn't bite at me. Its a new feeling mixed with an old feel. I fall back into high school, into Halloween evenings. This happens to me every year, this back-to-Halloween feeling. This year its not the reminiscing, or the missing, its something new. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe this randomness with Zac is reminding me of the randomness I had with Tim, starting around the Homecoming game. It just feels strange. And a good strange.
I started reading through old journal entries. Half the things I said just seemed so incredibly foreign, as if written by a stranger. I don't remember half of the oh-so-amazing evenings with Eddie, or who exactly these boys I was pining after were. Four or five years have gone by since those entries. I used to look back at my middle school journals and remember every single thing that happened, in great detail, at that. But these things... did they really mean so little to me after they happened that i could completely shut them out like this? I recently came to realize that I view the guys I date as typically disposable, but is this how I treat my memories as well?
I have no excuses anymore. I'm trying not to justify my actions with bullshit excuses. Thats really what most of the things I say are: bullshit & excuses. I need to make it through life more honestly. Often times I use it as a defense mechanism... am I emotionally capable of sacrificing that? I don't know that I am. I need those walls. I don't like to feel. It almost seems like I'd rather feel the bad than the good. The bad feels so much more real, more genuine and human. The good feels undeserved. The way I have been living, do I deserve to feel as good as I sometimes do? I don't feel guilty today. I feel amazing, because I think I deserve feeling this. I spent my morning and afternoon working my ass off. My boss compliments me on my performance, and I feel that I deserve it. I come home and relax in bed, because I worked a long day. I deserve that. I spend time with my mother, I've tried to this weekend, I miss her. As a birthday gift, she's paying for part of my trip to visit Zac in Nebraska. I think I deserve that.
This trip is too planned for me, and that bothers me. I don't like having a schedule, or plans, or commitment. Is the commitment problem because I'm afraid I won't stick to it, or am I afraid that the other party will break it? That seems to be the case in quite a few of my past relationships, now that I think about it. I have this great fear of loss. What caused this??? Where did this stem from? I know most of my commitment issues are because of Andy. When I first started cheating, I had mixed motives. I was afraid of losing one, and I liked another. That whole "have one waiting on the side" deal. I do fear loss. Especially after Dave. After everything I felt losing him, I had to put up a wall with every guy afterward. If I did something wrong, I'd feel that things were warranted when they ended. With Lawrence, I didn't want to hurt anymore, and I knew that if I cheated, it would make me feel better. I wouldn't feel so trampled on... I took him for granted and he let me down, so I hoped that part of him still took me for granted and would be let down. I did that so many times with so many guys. Now, I don't know how I feel. I want things to go well when I go to Nebraska. I don't know how Zac feels, but I'm afraid I'll get out there and he won't kiss me. He'll have a girlfriend. I'm doing all I can to not get my hopes up. I refuse to be vulnerable again. I don't know why I'm putting myself in this position in the first place. This isn't spontaneous enough for me to be putting so much at stake. This is planned idiom.
What am I thinking, I'm still in love with....... sigh.
I was hoping I'd fall asleep a couple hours ago, but here it is almost 1:30 am, and I need to be out the door to go to class in 8 hours. God, how I hope my printer works in the morning. I'm such a slacker. I could be checking that right after this. But I know for a fact that all I'm going to do is roll over, find something to watch online, maybe go pee (probably too lazy to get up), finish this beer, and fall asleep in another hour or so. I love being so predictable.
I started reading through old journal entries. Half the things I said just seemed so incredibly foreign, as if written by a stranger. I don't remember half of the oh-so-amazing evenings with Eddie, or who exactly these boys I was pining after were. Four or five years have gone by since those entries. I used to look back at my middle school journals and remember every single thing that happened, in great detail, at that. But these things... did they really mean so little to me after they happened that i could completely shut them out like this? I recently came to realize that I view the guys I date as typically disposable, but is this how I treat my memories as well?
I have no excuses anymore. I'm trying not to justify my actions with bullshit excuses. Thats really what most of the things I say are: bullshit & excuses. I need to make it through life more honestly. Often times I use it as a defense mechanism... am I emotionally capable of sacrificing that? I don't know that I am. I need those walls. I don't like to feel. It almost seems like I'd rather feel the bad than the good. The bad feels so much more real, more genuine and human. The good feels undeserved. The way I have been living, do I deserve to feel as good as I sometimes do? I don't feel guilty today. I feel amazing, because I think I deserve feeling this. I spent my morning and afternoon working my ass off. My boss compliments me on my performance, and I feel that I deserve it. I come home and relax in bed, because I worked a long day. I deserve that. I spend time with my mother, I've tried to this weekend, I miss her. As a birthday gift, she's paying for part of my trip to visit Zac in Nebraska. I think I deserve that.
This trip is too planned for me, and that bothers me. I don't like having a schedule, or plans, or commitment. Is the commitment problem because I'm afraid I won't stick to it, or am I afraid that the other party will break it? That seems to be the case in quite a few of my past relationships, now that I think about it. I have this great fear of loss. What caused this??? Where did this stem from? I know most of my commitment issues are because of Andy. When I first started cheating, I had mixed motives. I was afraid of losing one, and I liked another. That whole "have one waiting on the side" deal. I do fear loss. Especially after Dave. After everything I felt losing him, I had to put up a wall with every guy afterward. If I did something wrong, I'd feel that things were warranted when they ended. With Lawrence, I didn't want to hurt anymore, and I knew that if I cheated, it would make me feel better. I wouldn't feel so trampled on... I took him for granted and he let me down, so I hoped that part of him still took me for granted and would be let down. I did that so many times with so many guys. Now, I don't know how I feel. I want things to go well when I go to Nebraska. I don't know how Zac feels, but I'm afraid I'll get out there and he won't kiss me. He'll have a girlfriend. I'm doing all I can to not get my hopes up. I refuse to be vulnerable again. I don't know why I'm putting myself in this position in the first place. This isn't spontaneous enough for me to be putting so much at stake. This is planned idiom.
What am I thinking, I'm still in love with....... sigh.
I was hoping I'd fall asleep a couple hours ago, but here it is almost 1:30 am, and I need to be out the door to go to class in 8 hours. God, how I hope my printer works in the morning. I'm such a slacker. I could be checking that right after this. But I know for a fact that all I'm going to do is roll over, find something to watch online, maybe go pee (probably too lazy to get up), finish this beer, and fall asleep in another hour or so. I love being so predictable.