Well, that's that.
I just took my final dose of Sustiva. I recorded the moment on iMovie, with the intention of making some sort of video about it, maybe show clips of me taking pills interspersed with audio voiceover talking about the process of changing meds, but that just might be a little too much work and/or drama for me. I have this image in my head of what I could do with it, and I haven't decided yet whether it's over-the-top stupid or potentially really powerful and groundbreaking (or probably in the middle, interesting to a few people and forgettable to others). Still, it's one of those moments that I can't redo, so I wanted to make sure to record something. Since I recorded the moment, I have reserved the option of going back and doing something with it. And I'll theoretically have a clearer head in which to decide whether I want to do that or not.
As goofy as it sounds, I'm a little sad. I know I have bitched a lot about how Sustiva makes me feel, but right now I'm acutely aware that it's kept me alive for a little over eight years. I am grateful for that. It's an awkward moment, almost like breaking up with someone. There's this feeling that it's time to move on, but just wanting to take a moment to be thankful. I do have this love/hate relationship with those pills, and while there's a part of me that's bouncing like a kid who can't wait to open his Christmas gifts at the thought of having a clear head, there's another part of me that's a little nervous at dealing with the world without that Sustiva cushion in the way, muffling things in both directions, and anxious about just how bad the transition is going to be. My stomach has already started acting up a little bit, perhaps in preparation for a bumpy ride.
In contrast to the relationship I have with Sustiva, the new pills are cold, remote, and they smell funny. They're also on the big side, although Atripla isn't exactly tiny. It's going to be a real adjustment for me, particularly because I'm so used to avoiding food for several hours after I take my pill, and now it's going to be the other way around. Part of the reason that I picked tomorrow for the first dose is that I've got a speaking gig near one of my friends, a gig in two parts with a break in the middle, and he's going to meet me for breakfast, so it might help me get back into the habit of eating that again. Anyway, I can't imagine right now any part of my relationship with the new drugs being on the warm and fuzzy side, but maybe I'm totally wrong. Maybe it's the best thing I've ever done, making this change.
In any case, I hope that I'm taking the new stuff for a good long time, because the reasons I wouldn't (they don't work, the side effects are intolerable) are not good. There's this part of my psyche, this almost animal-intuitive level thing with my body, that's preparing to react to the drugs just to be difficult, and contrary, and I'm trying to counter that tendency my body has. It's like the four year old who won't eat his veggies because it's the one area in which he can exert some control over his body, because his parents are suffocating him. That's what it feels like. It can't wait to throw these new pills up and cramp up and make diarrhea just to be irritable and express its disapproval of change in a tantrum-y way.
So I'm actually doing a lot of work with that, a lot of visualization, a lot of reasoning, a lot of (for lack of a better term) programming myself to be receptive to the new regimen, grateful for it. And part of the work is acknowledging the role that Sustiva has played for the last 8+ years in keeping me alive, being conscious of the torch-passing that's going on tomorrow, being aware that this is the last time I'm going to deal with the involuntary buzz, that from now on if I want that buzz? I can choose the time and place.
I'm in this kind of magical place with school right now, too. It's the Anything Is Possible zone. I feel like it's entirely possible that I did really well on the three exams I took this week, but it's also possible that I didn't do as well as I'm hoping. One of the classes, I'm almost positive I made an A, and it's just a matter of how close to perfect it was, and the other two are toss-ups. It really depends on how much they like my short-answer questions, that subjective "how much is this answer really worth?" thing. I'm pretty sure in all cases that I did fairly well, if not really fucking awesome, on the multiple guess choice portions of the tests, but the short answer? Well, if history serves as a guide, I would probably grade me harder than my professors will, but this is the first exam for all three of them. So what kind of grade did I make on any of those those tests? At this point, it could be anything. I could be well on the road to straight As again, or I could have one or two classes where the odds of me making an A for the class are damaged but it's still a possibility, or I could be fooling myself and I could have bombed them all. In this moment, any of those things are possible. But next week, the tests will be graded, and in one class a paper is going to be graded as well, and it will be a definite thing. I'll either have a strong foundation for an A or I won't. I'll either be in trouble or I won't. In any case, all those possibilities are going to get transformed into one reality, and the only choice I'll have about it will be the perspective I take on it, what I tell myself it means.
It's Schrodinger’s box of As. Are they alive or dead? Next week, I open the box and find out.
That's kind of relative to how I feel about the med change. I'm at that moment where I'm about to open that box and see what Darren on a different regimen looks like. Will it take a full month for my body to clear the Sustiva I just took, or will my head be clear in a day or two? WIll I have this "alleluia!" moment where my clarity comes back? (Probably not.) Will I be noticeably different, more irritable or assertive or sharper? Will the side effects be miniscule, and will I be the first one to say OMFG what a fucking whiner? Right now, everything is possible. Tomorrow, things start taking a more definite, limited shape.
I think I'm ready to step through that portal. In any case, whether I'm actually ready or not, it's happening.
As goofy as it sounds, I'm a little sad. I know I have bitched a lot about how Sustiva makes me feel, but right now I'm acutely aware that it's kept me alive for a little over eight years. I am grateful for that. It's an awkward moment, almost like breaking up with someone. There's this feeling that it's time to move on, but just wanting to take a moment to be thankful. I do have this love/hate relationship with those pills, and while there's a part of me that's bouncing like a kid who can't wait to open his Christmas gifts at the thought of having a clear head, there's another part of me that's a little nervous at dealing with the world without that Sustiva cushion in the way, muffling things in both directions, and anxious about just how bad the transition is going to be. My stomach has already started acting up a little bit, perhaps in preparation for a bumpy ride.
In contrast to the relationship I have with Sustiva, the new pills are cold, remote, and they smell funny. They're also on the big side, although Atripla isn't exactly tiny. It's going to be a real adjustment for me, particularly because I'm so used to avoiding food for several hours after I take my pill, and now it's going to be the other way around. Part of the reason that I picked tomorrow for the first dose is that I've got a speaking gig near one of my friends, a gig in two parts with a break in the middle, and he's going to meet me for breakfast, so it might help me get back into the habit of eating that again. Anyway, I can't imagine right now any part of my relationship with the new drugs being on the warm and fuzzy side, but maybe I'm totally wrong. Maybe it's the best thing I've ever done, making this change.
In any case, I hope that I'm taking the new stuff for a good long time, because the reasons I wouldn't (they don't work, the side effects are intolerable) are not good. There's this part of my psyche, this almost animal-intuitive level thing with my body, that's preparing to react to the drugs just to be difficult, and contrary, and I'm trying to counter that tendency my body has. It's like the four year old who won't eat his veggies because it's the one area in which he can exert some control over his body, because his parents are suffocating him. That's what it feels like. It can't wait to throw these new pills up and cramp up and make diarrhea just to be irritable and express its disapproval of change in a tantrum-y way.
So I'm actually doing a lot of work with that, a lot of visualization, a lot of reasoning, a lot of (for lack of a better term) programming myself to be receptive to the new regimen, grateful for it. And part of the work is acknowledging the role that Sustiva has played for the last 8+ years in keeping me alive, being conscious of the torch-passing that's going on tomorrow, being aware that this is the last time I'm going to deal with the involuntary buzz, that from now on if I want that buzz? I can choose the time and place.
I'm in this kind of magical place with school right now, too. It's the Anything Is Possible zone. I feel like it's entirely possible that I did really well on the three exams I took this week, but it's also possible that I didn't do as well as I'm hoping. One of the classes, I'm almost positive I made an A, and it's just a matter of how close to perfect it was, and the other two are toss-ups. It really depends on how much they like my short-answer questions, that subjective "how much is this answer really worth?" thing. I'm pretty sure in all cases that I did fairly well, if not really fucking awesome, on the multiple guess choice portions of the tests, but the short answer? Well, if history serves as a guide, I would probably grade me harder than my professors will, but this is the first exam for all three of them. So what kind of grade did I make on any of those those tests? At this point, it could be anything. I could be well on the road to straight As again, or I could have one or two classes where the odds of me making an A for the class are damaged but it's still a possibility, or I could be fooling myself and I could have bombed them all. In this moment, any of those things are possible. But next week, the tests will be graded, and in one class a paper is going to be graded as well, and it will be a definite thing. I'll either have a strong foundation for an A or I won't. I'll either be in trouble or I won't. In any case, all those possibilities are going to get transformed into one reality, and the only choice I'll have about it will be the perspective I take on it, what I tell myself it means.
It's Schrodinger’s box of As. Are they alive or dead? Next week, I open the box and find out.
That's kind of relative to how I feel about the med change. I'm at that moment where I'm about to open that box and see what Darren on a different regimen looks like. Will it take a full month for my body to clear the Sustiva I just took, or will my head be clear in a day or two? WIll I have this "alleluia!" moment where my clarity comes back? (Probably not.) Will I be noticeably different, more irritable or assertive or sharper? Will the side effects be miniscule, and will I be the first one to say OMFG what a fucking whiner? Right now, everything is possible. Tomorrow, things start taking a more definite, limited shape.
I think I'm ready to step through that portal. In any case, whether I'm actually ready or not, it's happening.