a note on my mental state
Heh, the song is completely random... I had this huge rant written out that was pretty much incoherent babble, so I elected to start over.
(Twice.)
I skipped breakfast this morning so that I could have a clear head; I have homework to do, and I have phone calls to make. Unfortunately, it didn't work, and I'm still stoned from my meds. And hungry. And kinda pissed off that I'm stoned, in spite of skipping breakfast. It appears that, after eight years of Sustiva, it just makes me stoned all the time now, no matter what I do; it's just a matter of scale. Maybe the fact that I had some chocolate milk last night, well over 12 hours ago and at least 8 hours before I took my meds, has some bearing, but if so then that's just fucking insane.
At some point over the past month, I've noticed this inner mechanism shutting down. Some might find this really obvious, and some might be surprised: I've got this real need to suppress any part of me that might make other people squirm. If I do something that might make waves, I have to obsess over it for days before and days after, and it's a big deal. It's probably tied to a survival mechanism that made living with Mom feasible, and I'm guessing it's another casualty in my persona as some part of me continues to process her death, as much as I would love to think that I'm totally done with that. The whole "being stoned" thing is a good example: I've invested a lot of energy covering it up and/or minimizing it, except when it's funny or I'm just way too fucking baked to pretend (in which case I hide) or I'm around someone who knows me well enough (ie quillon) that covering it is pointless, because it might make people uncomfortable knowing that I'm stoned, that my meds cause me any hardship, because there are plenty of people with a lot worse than feeling stoned on their plate dealing with HIV (or any other chronic condition). Or I'm somehow supposed to be giving my 100% anyway, even though I'm stoned.
Anyway, I've noticed a really strong oh yeah? well, fuck that for the past month going on inside me. It's something deeper than just not feeling like accommodating everyone, though; it's hard to explain. It's kind of like a tumor, or a weed; it looks like it would be really easy to just yank it out, but there are all these roots, more than you would expect, and they run deep and they are wrapped around a lot of seemingly unrelated stuff. In a similar manner, that deep need to make everyone comfortable is tied to so much more. There's this undercurrent of anger: at myself, for playing this game; at Mom, for teaching me that it's my job to make everyone (really her) comfortable; at Big Pharma, for pretending that another one of its drugs is relatively innocuous when it's no such thing for me; at my body, for being so fucking persnickety and sensitive and reactive to medications in thoroughly inconvenient ways.
At the moment, most of the anger is focused at the drug itself, and seeing an insert that claims that "a little lightheadedness might occur for about three weeks, but then dissipate" like it's not still in there frying my brain (like it has for the last 8+ years) would likely make me pretty stabby right now. In any case, I just have to hang in there till 2/13 (a week from Wednesday), at which time I will see my doc and drive the point home, clearly, that I've got to switch to something else, NOW. Fortunately there are some better alternatives on the market than the last time I hit the OKAY ENOUGH line, so maybe it's a good thing I've hung in there this long.
I'm not saying that the ability to recede into the background isn't helpful; it's probably one of those gifts I'll appreciate a lot later, when I've processed the way I had to contort myself and the parts of my psyche I had to crush and the things I had to unconsciously believe about myself and my place in the universe in order to make it work. I put it in the same category as my capacity for reading another person's emotional state as easily as I do, another necessary survival strategy skill I developed being around Mom. It will be a very useful talent later, when I'm done with school. For the moment, though, I'm just really pissed off and on a short fuse. And the drugs are not helping me be sane about discovering this skill right now.
While I'm updating, there are a couple of other bits of news that I should probably include in this random update. One is that I was under the impression that school started on Wednesday the 23rd. I learned, as my Sociology class started last Tuesday night, that no, they started on Tuesday the 22nd. That means that I missed the first class, and had homework due that I totally didn't know about. Fortunately he told us that we could turn it in this coming week, but it means that I have three weeks of reading to do, plus this (actually not that difficult) writing assignment. And I'm stoned and I don't want to do it right now, but I'm concerned about putting it off for Tuesday.
The other thing is that I feel pretty good about my chances of making good grades this time around, although there's a lot of overlapping material. Three of my classes mention Conflict Theory, for example, but each one means something slightly different, and that might suck when they all want to test me at the same time. There's enough overlap in the definitions but yeah, definitely not going to keep that clarified while stoned. The med change has to happen.
I think that's all I want to say in a public entry.
(Twice.)
I skipped breakfast this morning so that I could have a clear head; I have homework to do, and I have phone calls to make. Unfortunately, it didn't work, and I'm still stoned from my meds. And hungry. And kinda pissed off that I'm stoned, in spite of skipping breakfast. It appears that, after eight years of Sustiva, it just makes me stoned all the time now, no matter what I do; it's just a matter of scale. Maybe the fact that I had some chocolate milk last night, well over 12 hours ago and at least 8 hours before I took my meds, has some bearing, but if so then that's just fucking insane.
At some point over the past month, I've noticed this inner mechanism shutting down. Some might find this really obvious, and some might be surprised: I've got this real need to suppress any part of me that might make other people squirm. If I do something that might make waves, I have to obsess over it for days before and days after, and it's a big deal. It's probably tied to a survival mechanism that made living with Mom feasible, and I'm guessing it's another casualty in my persona as some part of me continues to process her death, as much as I would love to think that I'm totally done with that. The whole "being stoned" thing is a good example: I've invested a lot of energy covering it up and/or minimizing it, except when it's funny or I'm just way too fucking baked to pretend (in which case I hide) or I'm around someone who knows me well enough (ie quillon) that covering it is pointless, because it might make people uncomfortable knowing that I'm stoned, that my meds cause me any hardship, because there are plenty of people with a lot worse than feeling stoned on their plate dealing with HIV (or any other chronic condition). Or I'm somehow supposed to be giving my 100% anyway, even though I'm stoned.
Anyway, I've noticed a really strong oh yeah? well, fuck that for the past month going on inside me. It's something deeper than just not feeling like accommodating everyone, though; it's hard to explain. It's kind of like a tumor, or a weed; it looks like it would be really easy to just yank it out, but there are all these roots, more than you would expect, and they run deep and they are wrapped around a lot of seemingly unrelated stuff. In a similar manner, that deep need to make everyone comfortable is tied to so much more. There's this undercurrent of anger: at myself, for playing this game; at Mom, for teaching me that it's my job to make everyone (really her) comfortable; at Big Pharma, for pretending that another one of its drugs is relatively innocuous when it's no such thing for me; at my body, for being so fucking persnickety and sensitive and reactive to medications in thoroughly inconvenient ways.
At the moment, most of the anger is focused at the drug itself, and seeing an insert that claims that "a little lightheadedness might occur for about three weeks, but then dissipate" like it's not still in there frying my brain (like it has for the last 8+ years) would likely make me pretty stabby right now. In any case, I just have to hang in there till 2/13 (a week from Wednesday), at which time I will see my doc and drive the point home, clearly, that I've got to switch to something else, NOW. Fortunately there are some better alternatives on the market than the last time I hit the OKAY ENOUGH line, so maybe it's a good thing I've hung in there this long.
I'm not saying that the ability to recede into the background isn't helpful; it's probably one of those gifts I'll appreciate a lot later, when I've processed the way I had to contort myself and the parts of my psyche I had to crush and the things I had to unconsciously believe about myself and my place in the universe in order to make it work. I put it in the same category as my capacity for reading another person's emotional state as easily as I do, another necessary survival strategy skill I developed being around Mom. It will be a very useful talent later, when I'm done with school. For the moment, though, I'm just really pissed off and on a short fuse. And the drugs are not helping me be sane about discovering this skill right now.
While I'm updating, there are a couple of other bits of news that I should probably include in this random update. One is that I was under the impression that school started on Wednesday the 23rd. I learned, as my Sociology class started last Tuesday night, that no, they started on Tuesday the 22nd. That means that I missed the first class, and had homework due that I totally didn't know about. Fortunately he told us that we could turn it in this coming week, but it means that I have three weeks of reading to do, plus this (actually not that difficult) writing assignment. And I'm stoned and I don't want to do it right now, but I'm concerned about putting it off for Tuesday.
The other thing is that I feel pretty good about my chances of making good grades this time around, although there's a lot of overlapping material. Three of my classes mention Conflict Theory, for example, but each one means something slightly different, and that might suck when they all want to test me at the same time. There's enough overlap in the definitions but yeah, definitely not going to keep that clarified while stoned. The med change has to happen.
I think that's all I want to say in a public entry.