Where am I going?
I've been thinking a lot about this issue over the past couple of days.
When I left my job in January, the game plan was to get myself together, emotionally, financially and physically, and to be back in school in the fall. I want to return to school to eventually get a Masters in Social Work (right now I am about halfway thru the Bachelors in Psychology, depending on how much actually gets applied) and to possibly (very long term) get a doctorate and be a therapist. But definitely I want a social work kind of job.
While the long term goal has not changed, I have been having second thoughts about the timetable. I don't think I will be ready to go back to school in the fall for several reasons. One is the fact that at this point I have most likely missed the deadlines for applying for financial aid, a must for me since I am unemployed. (I tend to be a last minute kind of guy, and so time has crept past me.) There is also the issue of the disability. I am applying for SSI based on both my HIV status and my somewhat recent diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder. I know that I will end up getting it, but I have no idea when; these things can take quite a while, and without that status there are all kinds of grants, loans, and reduced tuition packages that I won't be able to take advantage of.
But then, there is the other part. (This is the part that's kind of scary to think about.) It's somewhat related to the issue of getting my head together. I've been writing a novel for ages, and I've really been feeling pulled to actually go about doing the research I need to pull off the story and just get it written. A lot of the subject matter is therapeutic for me to write about; while I wouldn't call the story autobiographical, there are definitely elements of the story that overlap my life, and issues that the story raises that I cannot resolve without going into myself. And right now, suddenly I am struck by the fact that going back to school means putting off this novel yet again, because there is not enough time to really do the concept justice in the next three months.
Three months! It's hard to believe that I've been out of work so long that the fall semester is only three months away. I know a lot of the hesitation has been about working out my feelings about what's happened to me in the last year, and to some degree what's happened well before that. I just don't think I am ready to go back to school and give it my all. And to be totally, painfully honest about it, the biggest reason I would have for pressing on with the original timetable is essentially stupid: worrying about disappointing my parents. I hate to say it, but the best reason I can come up with right now for going back to school in the fall is not wanting to deal with my parents (and possibly my doctor) telling me "You'll never get around to it; you need to go back to school NOW (so that we can be proud of you)."
That's not a very good reason, in my opinion anyway.
But in any case, I want to give writing this story a chance. And I want to get past this avoidance behavior I've been guilty of and really deal with the PTSD. I don't want to have to worry about a nervous breakdown creeping up on me in the middle of a semester because I have once again put off dealing with the emotional turmoil that's been bubbling (usually) beneath the surface, only taking on enough little bits of it to have some semblance of holding myself together, while in reality there's all this baggage I'm still carrying.
I can't say that my mind is made up, but I think I know what my decision is going to be.
When I left my job in January, the game plan was to get myself together, emotionally, financially and physically, and to be back in school in the fall. I want to return to school to eventually get a Masters in Social Work (right now I am about halfway thru the Bachelors in Psychology, depending on how much actually gets applied) and to possibly (very long term) get a doctorate and be a therapist. But definitely I want a social work kind of job.
While the long term goal has not changed, I have been having second thoughts about the timetable. I don't think I will be ready to go back to school in the fall for several reasons. One is the fact that at this point I have most likely missed the deadlines for applying for financial aid, a must for me since I am unemployed. (I tend to be a last minute kind of guy, and so time has crept past me.) There is also the issue of the disability. I am applying for SSI based on both my HIV status and my somewhat recent diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder. I know that I will end up getting it, but I have no idea when; these things can take quite a while, and without that status there are all kinds of grants, loans, and reduced tuition packages that I won't be able to take advantage of.
But then, there is the other part. (This is the part that's kind of scary to think about.) It's somewhat related to the issue of getting my head together. I've been writing a novel for ages, and I've really been feeling pulled to actually go about doing the research I need to pull off the story and just get it written. A lot of the subject matter is therapeutic for me to write about; while I wouldn't call the story autobiographical, there are definitely elements of the story that overlap my life, and issues that the story raises that I cannot resolve without going into myself. And right now, suddenly I am struck by the fact that going back to school means putting off this novel yet again, because there is not enough time to really do the concept justice in the next three months.
Three months! It's hard to believe that I've been out of work so long that the fall semester is only three months away. I know a lot of the hesitation has been about working out my feelings about what's happened to me in the last year, and to some degree what's happened well before that. I just don't think I am ready to go back to school and give it my all. And to be totally, painfully honest about it, the biggest reason I would have for pressing on with the original timetable is essentially stupid: worrying about disappointing my parents. I hate to say it, but the best reason I can come up with right now for going back to school in the fall is not wanting to deal with my parents (and possibly my doctor) telling me "You'll never get around to it; you need to go back to school NOW (so that we can be proud of you)."
That's not a very good reason, in my opinion anyway.
But in any case, I want to give writing this story a chance. And I want to get past this avoidance behavior I've been guilty of and really deal with the PTSD. I don't want to have to worry about a nervous breakdown creeping up on me in the middle of a semester because I have once again put off dealing with the emotional turmoil that's been bubbling (usually) beneath the surface, only taking on enough little bits of it to have some semblance of holding myself together, while in reality there's all this baggage I'm still carrying.
I can't say that my mind is made up, but I think I know what my decision is going to be.