[Uraboku] Bruises and Bitemarks (7/?)
Title: Bruises and Bitemarks
Author: masanami
Character(s): Hotsuma/Shusei, mentions of Senshirou/Kuroto, Tsukumo/Touko, Takashiro, Tachibana
Word Count: 4,386
Rating: R
Warnings: Host AU. Suggestive material.
Summary: Shusei's the perfect host and Hotsuma's the perfect person to ruin everything for him.
Author's Note: Been trying to get over a bad cold this last week but still managed another chapter! Hopefully it turned out okay since writing and being sick don't necessarily go well together. Still, can't believe that I'm already on chapter 7!
The perception of pain was the first thing that came into Shusei’s mind.
At first it was just on the periphery; a dull throb on the side of his head, the ache in his side, the dryness of broken lips. But the feeling slowly began to develop and intensify until only one thought filtered through Shusei’s mind-
It hurt.
Before his eyes opened this single thought penetrated through all the other thoughts swimming through his head. His brow furrowed and his teeth gritted, and he heard the sound of moans in the distance-and for a moment he couldn’t be sure that the noise wasn’t coming from himself.
“Shusei.”
He still hasn’t opened his eyes yet but he can hear the sound of his name and the voice speaking it is unmistakable to Shusei. But it’s a voice that confuses him because he shouldn’t be hearing it. What was…his mind felt too overwhelmed by the sudden senses that were returning to him to think clearly-the sound of voices speaking in hushed whispers, groans, the smell of antiseptic-all these things hitting him at the same time.
From behind his closed eyelids he felt the glare of light. He felt dread slowly building from the depths of his soul.
“It’s okay Shusei, you’re safe now.”
A hand slipped into his feeble grasp and Shusei felt the warmth of another man’s larger hands clasping his own. He didn’t feel better, didn’t feel safer-in fact, he only felt panic. Because the memories were slowly starting to surface and he can remember the feel of moist breath against his ears, whispered words of threat, the sharp stab of a kick against his body.
The memory of Jekyll and Hyde’s carefree laughter made his insides twist.
Though they tried to protest, Shusei forced his eyes to open. The darkness of the subway station that he remembered so vividly was now replaced by the neutral beige of a hospital’s interior. Curtains surrounded the small stretcher he was laying in, offering little privacy and no attempt to drown out the noises he heard coming from the people beyond it. Whispering words, groans, the sound of footsteps falling on the tile flooring-all of it bombarded him as he tried to sit up.
But he couldn’t-because a hand came to rest gingerly on his chest and that simple pressure was enough to make his weakened body fall back down.
“Sen…shirou…” He breathed out the other man’s name in an exhale, dry throat scratchy. He licked his lips to moisten his dry mouth and felt the rough edges of a scab forming over a broken and swollen lip. He wanted to close his eyes, to rest them from the glare of the bright lights of the hospital, but he forced them to stay open through sheer willpower alone.
Senshirou leaned over him, a look of worry cast upon his face. “Someone found you unconscious in the subway.” Senshirou explained, seeing the confusion and anxiety in Shusei’s furrowed brows. “I’m still your emergency contact so they got in touch with me after they brought you to the hospital.” He reached up a hand, gently stroking the strands of hair near Shusei’s face. “Shusei…what…happened?”
Senshirou’s voice is so subdued, so quiet that Shusei can barely hear him.
For a moment Shusei thinks he should lie and spare Senshirou from the truth but then he realizes that even he may not be able to come up with something convincing enough for Senshirou to believe.
Maybe the truth is a safer route. “I ran into some bad people in the subway.”
“Are they connected to the club?”
Shusei paused, let himself have a moment to take a long breath. “Yes.”
Senshirou becomes quiet and Shusei can see that the next question is a difficult one for him to ask. “Did they do anything else, something more than this?”
Shusei knows exactly what Senshirou implies because in such a field as this there are dangers inherently inbreed. He closes his eyes for a brief moment, relishing in the darkness that obstructs his vision. “No,” he says softly.
A sigh of relief escapes Senshirou’s lips. It’s not hard for Shusei to imagine the frown lines of worry erasing themselves from Senshirou’s face-because perhaps more than any other person Senshirou understands how devastating something like that can be. All the employees at New World remember the host who years ago had been brutally raped then murdered, targeted specifically because of his profession. The person that had done it had never been found and even today Shusei could think of one person that was daily tormented by that death. Someone who Senshirou cared for deeply.
There’s a long silence coming from Senshirou and Shusei doesn’t try to fill it with useless words. He knows Senshirou well enough to know that the other man must be seething in anger-maybe at him for getting caught up in such a mess, maybe at the club for attracting such lowlifes, or maybe at himself-because hasn’t Senshirou been begging him for years to leave the dark world of that club behind?
But Shusei knows he isn’t like Senshirou. He couldn’t just give up everything and leave it all behind-he couldn’t start over from nothing.
This time Shusei forces himself to sit up. The pain causes his very insides to ache but he does it anyway. His hands lay clasp in his lap and he can see he’s been bandaged up where-ever there’s a cut or some bleeding-and he can't begin to imagine the damage that’s been done and how long it will take to heal.
Finally, Senshirou begins to move again. He shifts the weight on the balls of his feet and jams his hands into the pockets of his coat. Shusei can tell with just a simple glance that he’s frustrated but trying to hold it in.
“Shusei.” Senshirou’s voice is collected-but just barely. “I told you to get away from that club.”
Shusei wants to sigh but instead just stares down at his hands. “You know that’s not possible.” He began softly. “I’m not like you, I don’t have a world outside that place. I couldn’t leave it and start over.” It was the truth, as plain and simple as he’s explained it before. For a split second he wonders what Kuroto says when Senshirou undoubtedly brings up the same topic-but he imagines whatever words the other man says that Senshirou wouldn’t understand it the same way he wouldn’t understand why Shusei couldn’t leave either.
“Yes, you can…” Even though Senshirou says those words so easily, Shusei can detect the slight resonance of defeat in his voice. It’s an argument he’s made over and over again-one that he knows he can’t win. “If you stay you’ll just remain Takashiro’s pawn. He’ll just use you to further his own investments and when you’re no longer any good to him he’ll get rid of you.”
“I’ve already accepted that fate.” Shusei said gently.
“Shusei…”
“It’s fine, Senshirou.” Shusei let his eyes close for a brief moment. “It’s fine.”
“But what about Hotsuma?”
“Hotsuma…?” Just the name alone is enough make Shusei curl inward. Hotsuma. He’s the one precious thing to Shusei, the one person he wants to protect at all costs. All of this-all of it-was for Hotsuma’s sake. Shusei would do anything to shield Hotsuma from the darkness of the world that surrounds him-anything. “Does he know I’m here?”
Senshirou’s lips turned down into a tightlipped frown. “No…” He shook his head. “And neither does Takashiro.”
The breath that eased through Shusei’s lips was barely perceptible but he felt the action reach all the way down into his bones. Relief. If Takashiro found out that something had happened between him and Reiga’s watchdogs…it would only mean trouble for him and Hotsuma. If he had any hope of holding the pieces of his life together then he needed to take every step with caution. He was already walking a far too delicate line.
Senshirou’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “What can I do to help you, Shusei? Please, tell me.”
“Get me out of this hospital and take me home.” Shusei’s eyes looked up to meet Senshirou’s gaze, locking onto them with utmost seriousness. “And don’t tell Hotsuma about this.”
++++
Walking felt nearly impossible at first. The pain medication the hospital gave him before he left was just enough to take the edge off but not enough to give him confidence that his legs could support his weight. Senshirou wasn’t happy with his decision to leave but finally agreed to help him home when he was cleared by the emergency room doctors. He may have a bruised rib, a small laceration on his the side of his head, and a few other small injuries but it was nothing serious. He’d live.
He leaned against Senshirou and let the other man do most of the work of leading him to his apartment. He gritted his teeth and winced with every step but he was determined and somehow they eventually made it inside. Senshirou helped him to change out of his bloody clothes and into something clean. When he was able to wash in the shower he was finally able to survey all the damage-and he barely recognized himself. Half of his face was covered in a bandage and what was left visible was tender or bruising. His lip was swollen and had a small gash but perhaps the most painful of all the injuries was the bruised rib. It made bending or even breathing too deeply painful. When he had finally peeled away his clothing all he saw was a huge purpling bruise along the side of his chest.
But it, like all the rests of the bruises and cuts, would heal.
He felt better after he showered and changed into clean clothes. It felt good to get the feel and smells of the hospital off of his skin, to wash away all the grim and dirt that Jekyll and Hyde had left on him. While he dressed Senshirou busied himself in the kitchen, making them both a small meal.
After some time Shusei walked slowly into the kitchen, feeling more reassured on his feet, before sitting down at the small table pushed up against the wall. He sighed gently as Senshirou placed a bowl of noodles in front of him and instructed him to eat. The other man’s gaze didn’t leave him until he was satisfied that he was eating something and only then did the other man get himself a bowl and sit down beside Shusei.
“What are you going to do now?” Senshirou looked at him with a spoon full of broth halfway to his lips.
Shusei stared down at the soup before him, already tiring of eating after a few bites. “Nothing.”
“You aren’t going to tell Takashiro?”
“I’ll go back to work once the bruises heal. Telling him will do nothing to help me.” He leaned his elbows on the table, feeling exhausted.
Senshirou’s eyes watched him thoughtfully. “What are you trying so hard to protect, Shusei?”
“I can’t tell you that Senshirou.”
“It’s Hotsuma, isn’t it? Takashiro threatened you with him, didn’t he?” Senshirou’s eyes narrowed. “He’s still up to his same old tricks. He hasn’t changed at all.”
Shusei didn’t say anything, just stared at the table, his eyes feeling heavy.
Eventually Senshirou sighed and the tension in the air dissipated when he realized Shusei had locked himself away and would no longer answer his questions. The other man ran a hand through his hair, taking his glasses off for a moment to wipe them clean. “I’m sorry, Shusei. I don’t mean to make you upset or uncomfortable.” He replaced the glasses, pushing them up to the bridge of his nose with a single finger. “I’m just worried about you.”
“I understand.”
“Then you know I only think you deserve better than that place, right? Even if you don’t see it, I do.” He laughed then, just a small and slight chuckle. “I guess I still think of you as that quiet kid that first came into the host bar and I want to take care of you just like I did then.”
“Don’t…you have Kuroto to worry about?”
“Eh? Kuroto…” Senshirou’s voice softened at the mention of the black haired man, a small but sad smile gracing his lips. “Kuroto is the same as you. He won’t listen to a word I say. Even if you both have different reasons for your actions.”
The silence between them returned but this time without the tension settling in the air. Finally, seeing that Shusei could barely keep his eyes open, Senshirou stood and cleared away the table. “I’m going to be busy with a photo shoot and a gallery opening the next few days. I’ll ask Kuroto to come by and check on you.” Senshirou said as he cleaned the dishes and put them away. “Just try to get some rest Shusei.” And then he added, almost as an afterthought. “And really think if this is worth all of it.”
When Senshirou was gone, Shusei eased himself into bed.
He stared up at the ceiling, one arm resting on the sore spot on his rib and his other resting across the top of his forehead. His eyelids dropped down until they were nearly closed, his mind slowly unraveling all the things that had just occurred. Since he had woken there hadn’t been a single moment when he could just think about what to do next-what steps he had to take in order to keep Hotsuma safe from the trajectory of these events.
Surely Hotsuma would be mad and upset but avoiding him would also be necessary. Hotsuma was too simpleminded and hotheaded; he would blow this entire situation out of proportions and that would only lead to more trouble in the end.
But still Shusei missed him.
Why did every moment he was away from Hotsuma feel like a lifetime? He wanted Hotsuma beside him, wanted to take comfort in the other man’s embrace.
“…Hotsuma…” Even the whisper of his name twisted a small corner of his heart.
++++
Shusei’s dreams were filled with memories.
Even in his dreams he can’t forget the way the sky had looked on that day-dark clouds bloated and churning with the threat of thunder and rain, all of the blue in the sky soaked in hues of purple and gray. On that day he was several years younger but even in the depth of his sleep he can still clearly recall the chill of bitter cold biting the frosty fall weather.
All day the sky had been looming ahead, threatening but never actually releasing pelting raindrops even as the afternoon continued on until classes finished and committee duties were complete for the day. He remembered rushing home before the storm could finish brewing, having forgotten an umbrella in the morning and hoping not to get stuck in the downpour. He made it home just in time for the first few raindrops to start coloring the sidewalks in blots of dark gray.
He still had his school bag clutched in his hand when he heard the sound of voices coming from the other room. He stared toward the slightly ajar living room door, taking a tentative step forward when he heard the sound of his mother’s flustered voice.
Shusei wished he had never done that.
Because it’s really only moments later that a small piece of fragile hope he’d been holding onto begins to crumble. The next time he steps outside the rain has finally started to pour down. The streetlamps on the sidewalk are illuminated with faint light because the sky’s darkened to such depths that it no longer feels like the afternoon. Shusei walked down the front steps of his home with his head downcast and his hair covering his eyes that were so devoid of any emotion.
Why did we even bother to give birth to him?
The words are still fresh in his mind, the place where a hand had gripped him tender with the threat of bruising. The words his mother had spoken to him were still replaying over and over again in his mind, the look of her stare as she saw him standing in the doorway one he knows he’ll never forget.
It was filled with such…disgust.
Why would I want a son like you? At least if you had been a girl I could marry you off and be done with it!
The rain was soaking his clothes.
She’s ferocious at him and Shusei’s father is too disinterested to even intervene. The slap across his face, the grip of her nails digging into his arms isn’t an unfamiliar scene. He can smell the wine on her lips but he knows this is how she really feels. Even when she’s sober no one cares about him in this place. Being the top of his class, excelling at everything he’s ever put his mind to-all those attempts to win their favor-nothing has done a single thing to bring about the warmth of their love.
He’d left home without anything but his school bag and the uniform on his back.
Shusei didn’t know where to go but he knew he couldn’t remain there any longer. His world felt like even the tiniest of cracks could splitter everything to pieces which he would never be able to mend together. In this chaos the only place he can think of going is one built on structure. The school’s campus is locked down by the time he reaches the front gates but Shusei doesn’t have the energy to find a back way in so he just lets himself fall to the floor against the outside wall.
You’re entire existence is a disappointment in my life.
The memory of those words-the finality of the crushed hope they signify-is enough to weigh down his chest.
Why did he even bother stepping into that room? Why couldn’t he just silently let the emotions fizzle and die?
Shusei sighs deeply, thinking there is no point to this anymore. His charade has collapsed. There’s no reason he can find to continue this life that has never held any joy or happiness in it. There was nothing in this world that would make him return to that home. He would rather die on the streets first.
His eyes close against the heavy downpour. He’s suddenly glad it’s raining-it blends in well with the tears that pepper the corner of his eyes until they spill down the curves of his cheek.
“You’ll get sick like that.”
Shusei opens his eyes a little wider to the sound of the voice. Before him stands a man with an umbrella in a long coat and glasses. His long hair cascades down his shoulders, barely covering a scar on his cheek.
“That’s a private school emblem on your vest. That means your from a family with money. Don’t you think they’ll be looking for you in this weather?”
“No.” He mumbles underneath his breath. “No one is looking for me.” No one cares about me, he wants to add, but doesn’t. He doesn’t want another person’s pity.
The man bends down so that they’re at face level, tilts the umbrella to shield them both from rain.
Shusei feels uncomfortable with the way he’s staring at him so fixedly even if there is a gentle smile on the other man’s lips. Shusei hugged his knees to his chest, shivering from the cold and his rain soaked clothes.
“Ah…” The man reached out a hand, gently brushing away the tears from his eyes. “Don’t cry.” But the moment he said those words Shusei felt as if it were impossible to keep them at bay; his entire body shook and his chest heaved and he buried his head into his hands to hide his own embarrassment at being unable to keep it together.
He didn’t know how long it took for him to calm down but the man’s presence never left. He didn’t try to comfort him but he didn’t leave either. When he calmed down enough to wipe the tears away with the sleeve of his sweater, Shusei’s red and bloodshot eyes looked up into the man’s face.
“I don’t know why you’re here looking like the world’s about to end…” The man reached into the warmth of his jacket’s pocket, pulled out a card and handed it to Shusei. “But if you need a place to stay then I can offer one.”
The name on the card read Takashiro Giou with the words New World spread across it. There was a phone number and address in small text near the bottom but little else.
“Think about it first.” Takashiro added, almost as an after thought. He reached out and put the umbrella in Shusei’s hand before standing up tall in the rain. He didn’t say another word, just walked off as quickly as he had appeared.
Sheltered from the rain, Shusei looked down at the card now in his hand, completely unaware how irrevocably this moment would change his life.
++++
Knocking on his door jarred Shusei from his sleep.
The echo of the rain in his ears began to dissipate just as he tried to catch his breath and ease the pounding of his heart against his chest. The memories that his dreamed churned up slowly settled in the dark subconscious of his mind, hazy on the edges but still vivid-but in a place where he knew how to manage them.
The knocking that woke him continued into a pound until Shusei was forced to sit up. The second he sat up he regretted it. His head throbbed and his side ached enough to make his eyes water. He pushed himself up to the edge of the bed just as the banging on his door got louder.
When he finally reached the door the knocking had begun to subside and for a moment Shusei thought whoever had come to the door had left-but when he pulled the door open he was surprised to see Kuroto standing in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.
“You look awful.” It was the first thing Kuroto said when he opened the door. “How’d you let someone mess you up so bad? And it took you long enough to get to the door.”
“Thanks for coming.” Shusei said in irritation, opening the door a little wider to let the shorter man inside. His head was throbbing so hard that it felt like a sledgehammer was pounding around in his skull. “Where’s Senshirou?”
“He left you here yesterday and asked me to check up on you.”
“Yesterday?” He didn’t remember waking up once since he said goodbye to Senshirou.
Kuroto held up a plastic bag. “Brought food. I figured you hadn’t eaten anything.” He walked into the living room, sitting down at the couch and leaving the plastic bag with a convenience store logo on it resting on the table.
All Shusei wanted right now was to crawl under the blankets and sleep until the pounding headache subsided and the bruises began to yellow then disappear but he made himself go sit down beside Kuroto. His eyes closed as he let his head rest against the plush back of the couch, as if he could force the pain to subside if he willed it enough.
“Senshirou told me what happened.” Shusei couldn’t quite discern the underlying rhythm in Kuroto’s voice but he had a feeling that perhaps this incident may hit too close to sensitive topics for the other man’s liking.
“We don’t need to discuss this.”
“I think we do.” Kuroto said, pushing on. “What you do is your own business…with that club and that annoying and loudmouthed person…but just remember that you aren’t the only one involved. What you do will have consequences for others. That’s something Oboro never understood.” Kuroto bit his lip. “He never understood how his actions could change another person’s life.”
Shusei opened his eyes to regard the man beside him but Kuroto just sat there with his arms tightly crossed over his chest, his eyes narrowed and serious. Shusei remembered Kuroto wearing the exact same look the first time he had met the man. It was the look of someone hell-bent on revenge.
“I’ve said what I needed to say and I checked up on you like Senshirou asked.” Kuroto stood up and looked down at Shusei. “You’ll live, either way.” He reached down into the depths of his jacket and pulled out a wad of paper. “Here,” he said as he tossed it to Shusei.
“What’s this?” Shusei looked at the piece of paper in his hands.
“A phone number. Use it.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Though I’m pretty sure you already have the number saved in your phone.”
Shusei looked down at the number and recognized it immediately.
“He came by the club a few nights ago looking for you. It’s none of my business so I won’t get involved but you should know he wants to talk to you.”
Shusei stared thoughtfully at the rumpled piece of paper, a long breath escaping between his lips. “Kuroto, can I ask you a question?”
“What is it?”
“If given the opportunity would you leave the club?”
Kuroto shoved his hands into the pocket of his pants. “And leave this host stuff behind?”
“Yes.”
Shusei thought he heard a sigh. “In an instant.” Kuroto finally said. “Without hesitation I would throw it all away.”
“I see.”
“But it’s not like I have a choice. There is someone I’m still chasing after and I won’t leave until I get my revenge. Even if I have to wallow through that hell hole of a bar in the meantime-even if that’s the only thing that will get me one step closer to my goal.” Kuroto looked at Shusei seriously. “If you don’t have a reason like that then you shouldn’t be there. Living that life for the sake of living is a mistake.”
“Then you’re saying my life isn’t even worth living?”
Kuroto shook his head. “I’m saying you should find something or someone that makes life worth living outside that place.”
Author: masanami
Character(s): Hotsuma/Shusei, mentions of Senshirou/Kuroto, Tsukumo/Touko, Takashiro, Tachibana
Word Count: 4,386
Rating: R
Warnings: Host AU. Suggestive material.
Summary: Shusei's the perfect host and Hotsuma's the perfect person to ruin everything for him.
Author's Note: Been trying to get over a bad cold this last week but still managed another chapter! Hopefully it turned out okay since writing and being sick don't necessarily go well together. Still, can't believe that I'm already on chapter 7!
The perception of pain was the first thing that came into Shusei’s mind.
At first it was just on the periphery; a dull throb on the side of his head, the ache in his side, the dryness of broken lips. But the feeling slowly began to develop and intensify until only one thought filtered through Shusei’s mind-
It hurt.
Before his eyes opened this single thought penetrated through all the other thoughts swimming through his head. His brow furrowed and his teeth gritted, and he heard the sound of moans in the distance-and for a moment he couldn’t be sure that the noise wasn’t coming from himself.
“Shusei.”
He still hasn’t opened his eyes yet but he can hear the sound of his name and the voice speaking it is unmistakable to Shusei. But it’s a voice that confuses him because he shouldn’t be hearing it. What was…his mind felt too overwhelmed by the sudden senses that were returning to him to think clearly-the sound of voices speaking in hushed whispers, groans, the smell of antiseptic-all these things hitting him at the same time.
From behind his closed eyelids he felt the glare of light. He felt dread slowly building from the depths of his soul.
“It’s okay Shusei, you’re safe now.”
A hand slipped into his feeble grasp and Shusei felt the warmth of another man’s larger hands clasping his own. He didn’t feel better, didn’t feel safer-in fact, he only felt panic. Because the memories were slowly starting to surface and he can remember the feel of moist breath against his ears, whispered words of threat, the sharp stab of a kick against his body.
The memory of Jekyll and Hyde’s carefree laughter made his insides twist.
Though they tried to protest, Shusei forced his eyes to open. The darkness of the subway station that he remembered so vividly was now replaced by the neutral beige of a hospital’s interior. Curtains surrounded the small stretcher he was laying in, offering little privacy and no attempt to drown out the noises he heard coming from the people beyond it. Whispering words, groans, the sound of footsteps falling on the tile flooring-all of it bombarded him as he tried to sit up.
But he couldn’t-because a hand came to rest gingerly on his chest and that simple pressure was enough to make his weakened body fall back down.
“Sen…shirou…” He breathed out the other man’s name in an exhale, dry throat scratchy. He licked his lips to moisten his dry mouth and felt the rough edges of a scab forming over a broken and swollen lip. He wanted to close his eyes, to rest them from the glare of the bright lights of the hospital, but he forced them to stay open through sheer willpower alone.
Senshirou leaned over him, a look of worry cast upon his face. “Someone found you unconscious in the subway.” Senshirou explained, seeing the confusion and anxiety in Shusei’s furrowed brows. “I’m still your emergency contact so they got in touch with me after they brought you to the hospital.” He reached up a hand, gently stroking the strands of hair near Shusei’s face. “Shusei…what…happened?”
Senshirou’s voice is so subdued, so quiet that Shusei can barely hear him.
For a moment Shusei thinks he should lie and spare Senshirou from the truth but then he realizes that even he may not be able to come up with something convincing enough for Senshirou to believe.
Maybe the truth is a safer route. “I ran into some bad people in the subway.”
“Are they connected to the club?”
Shusei paused, let himself have a moment to take a long breath. “Yes.”
Senshirou becomes quiet and Shusei can see that the next question is a difficult one for him to ask. “Did they do anything else, something more than this?”
Shusei knows exactly what Senshirou implies because in such a field as this there are dangers inherently inbreed. He closes his eyes for a brief moment, relishing in the darkness that obstructs his vision. “No,” he says softly.
A sigh of relief escapes Senshirou’s lips. It’s not hard for Shusei to imagine the frown lines of worry erasing themselves from Senshirou’s face-because perhaps more than any other person Senshirou understands how devastating something like that can be. All the employees at New World remember the host who years ago had been brutally raped then murdered, targeted specifically because of his profession. The person that had done it had never been found and even today Shusei could think of one person that was daily tormented by that death. Someone who Senshirou cared for deeply.
There’s a long silence coming from Senshirou and Shusei doesn’t try to fill it with useless words. He knows Senshirou well enough to know that the other man must be seething in anger-maybe at him for getting caught up in such a mess, maybe at the club for attracting such lowlifes, or maybe at himself-because hasn’t Senshirou been begging him for years to leave the dark world of that club behind?
But Shusei knows he isn’t like Senshirou. He couldn’t just give up everything and leave it all behind-he couldn’t start over from nothing.
This time Shusei forces himself to sit up. The pain causes his very insides to ache but he does it anyway. His hands lay clasp in his lap and he can see he’s been bandaged up where-ever there’s a cut or some bleeding-and he can't begin to imagine the damage that’s been done and how long it will take to heal.
Finally, Senshirou begins to move again. He shifts the weight on the balls of his feet and jams his hands into the pockets of his coat. Shusei can tell with just a simple glance that he’s frustrated but trying to hold it in.
“Shusei.” Senshirou’s voice is collected-but just barely. “I told you to get away from that club.”
Shusei wants to sigh but instead just stares down at his hands. “You know that’s not possible.” He began softly. “I’m not like you, I don’t have a world outside that place. I couldn’t leave it and start over.” It was the truth, as plain and simple as he’s explained it before. For a split second he wonders what Kuroto says when Senshirou undoubtedly brings up the same topic-but he imagines whatever words the other man says that Senshirou wouldn’t understand it the same way he wouldn’t understand why Shusei couldn’t leave either.
“Yes, you can…” Even though Senshirou says those words so easily, Shusei can detect the slight resonance of defeat in his voice. It’s an argument he’s made over and over again-one that he knows he can’t win. “If you stay you’ll just remain Takashiro’s pawn. He’ll just use you to further his own investments and when you’re no longer any good to him he’ll get rid of you.”
“I’ve already accepted that fate.” Shusei said gently.
“Shusei…”
“It’s fine, Senshirou.” Shusei let his eyes close for a brief moment. “It’s fine.”
“But what about Hotsuma?”
“Hotsuma…?” Just the name alone is enough make Shusei curl inward. Hotsuma. He’s the one precious thing to Shusei, the one person he wants to protect at all costs. All of this-all of it-was for Hotsuma’s sake. Shusei would do anything to shield Hotsuma from the darkness of the world that surrounds him-anything. “Does he know I’m here?”
Senshirou’s lips turned down into a tightlipped frown. “No…” He shook his head. “And neither does Takashiro.”
The breath that eased through Shusei’s lips was barely perceptible but he felt the action reach all the way down into his bones. Relief. If Takashiro found out that something had happened between him and Reiga’s watchdogs…it would only mean trouble for him and Hotsuma. If he had any hope of holding the pieces of his life together then he needed to take every step with caution. He was already walking a far too delicate line.
Senshirou’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “What can I do to help you, Shusei? Please, tell me.”
“Get me out of this hospital and take me home.” Shusei’s eyes looked up to meet Senshirou’s gaze, locking onto them with utmost seriousness. “And don’t tell Hotsuma about this.”
++++
Walking felt nearly impossible at first. The pain medication the hospital gave him before he left was just enough to take the edge off but not enough to give him confidence that his legs could support his weight. Senshirou wasn’t happy with his decision to leave but finally agreed to help him home when he was cleared by the emergency room doctors. He may have a bruised rib, a small laceration on his the side of his head, and a few other small injuries but it was nothing serious. He’d live.
He leaned against Senshirou and let the other man do most of the work of leading him to his apartment. He gritted his teeth and winced with every step but he was determined and somehow they eventually made it inside. Senshirou helped him to change out of his bloody clothes and into something clean. When he was able to wash in the shower he was finally able to survey all the damage-and he barely recognized himself. Half of his face was covered in a bandage and what was left visible was tender or bruising. His lip was swollen and had a small gash but perhaps the most painful of all the injuries was the bruised rib. It made bending or even breathing too deeply painful. When he had finally peeled away his clothing all he saw was a huge purpling bruise along the side of his chest.
But it, like all the rests of the bruises and cuts, would heal.
He felt better after he showered and changed into clean clothes. It felt good to get the feel and smells of the hospital off of his skin, to wash away all the grim and dirt that Jekyll and Hyde had left on him. While he dressed Senshirou busied himself in the kitchen, making them both a small meal.
After some time Shusei walked slowly into the kitchen, feeling more reassured on his feet, before sitting down at the small table pushed up against the wall. He sighed gently as Senshirou placed a bowl of noodles in front of him and instructed him to eat. The other man’s gaze didn’t leave him until he was satisfied that he was eating something and only then did the other man get himself a bowl and sit down beside Shusei.
“What are you going to do now?” Senshirou looked at him with a spoon full of broth halfway to his lips.
Shusei stared down at the soup before him, already tiring of eating after a few bites. “Nothing.”
“You aren’t going to tell Takashiro?”
“I’ll go back to work once the bruises heal. Telling him will do nothing to help me.” He leaned his elbows on the table, feeling exhausted.
Senshirou’s eyes watched him thoughtfully. “What are you trying so hard to protect, Shusei?”
“I can’t tell you that Senshirou.”
“It’s Hotsuma, isn’t it? Takashiro threatened you with him, didn’t he?” Senshirou’s eyes narrowed. “He’s still up to his same old tricks. He hasn’t changed at all.”
Shusei didn’t say anything, just stared at the table, his eyes feeling heavy.
Eventually Senshirou sighed and the tension in the air dissipated when he realized Shusei had locked himself away and would no longer answer his questions. The other man ran a hand through his hair, taking his glasses off for a moment to wipe them clean. “I’m sorry, Shusei. I don’t mean to make you upset or uncomfortable.” He replaced the glasses, pushing them up to the bridge of his nose with a single finger. “I’m just worried about you.”
“I understand.”
“Then you know I only think you deserve better than that place, right? Even if you don’t see it, I do.” He laughed then, just a small and slight chuckle. “I guess I still think of you as that quiet kid that first came into the host bar and I want to take care of you just like I did then.”
“Don’t…you have Kuroto to worry about?”
“Eh? Kuroto…” Senshirou’s voice softened at the mention of the black haired man, a small but sad smile gracing his lips. “Kuroto is the same as you. He won’t listen to a word I say. Even if you both have different reasons for your actions.”
The silence between them returned but this time without the tension settling in the air. Finally, seeing that Shusei could barely keep his eyes open, Senshirou stood and cleared away the table. “I’m going to be busy with a photo shoot and a gallery opening the next few days. I’ll ask Kuroto to come by and check on you.” Senshirou said as he cleaned the dishes and put them away. “Just try to get some rest Shusei.” And then he added, almost as an afterthought. “And really think if this is worth all of it.”
When Senshirou was gone, Shusei eased himself into bed.
He stared up at the ceiling, one arm resting on the sore spot on his rib and his other resting across the top of his forehead. His eyelids dropped down until they were nearly closed, his mind slowly unraveling all the things that had just occurred. Since he had woken there hadn’t been a single moment when he could just think about what to do next-what steps he had to take in order to keep Hotsuma safe from the trajectory of these events.
Surely Hotsuma would be mad and upset but avoiding him would also be necessary. Hotsuma was too simpleminded and hotheaded; he would blow this entire situation out of proportions and that would only lead to more trouble in the end.
But still Shusei missed him.
Why did every moment he was away from Hotsuma feel like a lifetime? He wanted Hotsuma beside him, wanted to take comfort in the other man’s embrace.
“…Hotsuma…” Even the whisper of his name twisted a small corner of his heart.
++++
Shusei’s dreams were filled with memories.
Even in his dreams he can’t forget the way the sky had looked on that day-dark clouds bloated and churning with the threat of thunder and rain, all of the blue in the sky soaked in hues of purple and gray. On that day he was several years younger but even in the depth of his sleep he can still clearly recall the chill of bitter cold biting the frosty fall weather.
All day the sky had been looming ahead, threatening but never actually releasing pelting raindrops even as the afternoon continued on until classes finished and committee duties were complete for the day. He remembered rushing home before the storm could finish brewing, having forgotten an umbrella in the morning and hoping not to get stuck in the downpour. He made it home just in time for the first few raindrops to start coloring the sidewalks in blots of dark gray.
He still had his school bag clutched in his hand when he heard the sound of voices coming from the other room. He stared toward the slightly ajar living room door, taking a tentative step forward when he heard the sound of his mother’s flustered voice.
Shusei wished he had never done that.
Because it’s really only moments later that a small piece of fragile hope he’d been holding onto begins to crumble. The next time he steps outside the rain has finally started to pour down. The streetlamps on the sidewalk are illuminated with faint light because the sky’s darkened to such depths that it no longer feels like the afternoon. Shusei walked down the front steps of his home with his head downcast and his hair covering his eyes that were so devoid of any emotion.
Why did we even bother to give birth to him?
The words are still fresh in his mind, the place where a hand had gripped him tender with the threat of bruising. The words his mother had spoken to him were still replaying over and over again in his mind, the look of her stare as she saw him standing in the doorway one he knows he’ll never forget.
It was filled with such…disgust.
Why would I want a son like you? At least if you had been a girl I could marry you off and be done with it!
The rain was soaking his clothes.
She’s ferocious at him and Shusei’s father is too disinterested to even intervene. The slap across his face, the grip of her nails digging into his arms isn’t an unfamiliar scene. He can smell the wine on her lips but he knows this is how she really feels. Even when she’s sober no one cares about him in this place. Being the top of his class, excelling at everything he’s ever put his mind to-all those attempts to win their favor-nothing has done a single thing to bring about the warmth of their love.
He’d left home without anything but his school bag and the uniform on his back.
Shusei didn’t know where to go but he knew he couldn’t remain there any longer. His world felt like even the tiniest of cracks could splitter everything to pieces which he would never be able to mend together. In this chaos the only place he can think of going is one built on structure. The school’s campus is locked down by the time he reaches the front gates but Shusei doesn’t have the energy to find a back way in so he just lets himself fall to the floor against the outside wall.
You’re entire existence is a disappointment in my life.
The memory of those words-the finality of the crushed hope they signify-is enough to weigh down his chest.
Why did he even bother stepping into that room? Why couldn’t he just silently let the emotions fizzle and die?
Shusei sighs deeply, thinking there is no point to this anymore. His charade has collapsed. There’s no reason he can find to continue this life that has never held any joy or happiness in it. There was nothing in this world that would make him return to that home. He would rather die on the streets first.
His eyes close against the heavy downpour. He’s suddenly glad it’s raining-it blends in well with the tears that pepper the corner of his eyes until they spill down the curves of his cheek.
“You’ll get sick like that.”
Shusei opens his eyes a little wider to the sound of the voice. Before him stands a man with an umbrella in a long coat and glasses. His long hair cascades down his shoulders, barely covering a scar on his cheek.
“That’s a private school emblem on your vest. That means your from a family with money. Don’t you think they’ll be looking for you in this weather?”
“No.” He mumbles underneath his breath. “No one is looking for me.” No one cares about me, he wants to add, but doesn’t. He doesn’t want another person’s pity.
The man bends down so that they’re at face level, tilts the umbrella to shield them both from rain.
Shusei feels uncomfortable with the way he’s staring at him so fixedly even if there is a gentle smile on the other man’s lips. Shusei hugged his knees to his chest, shivering from the cold and his rain soaked clothes.
“Ah…” The man reached out a hand, gently brushing away the tears from his eyes. “Don’t cry.” But the moment he said those words Shusei felt as if it were impossible to keep them at bay; his entire body shook and his chest heaved and he buried his head into his hands to hide his own embarrassment at being unable to keep it together.
He didn’t know how long it took for him to calm down but the man’s presence never left. He didn’t try to comfort him but he didn’t leave either. When he calmed down enough to wipe the tears away with the sleeve of his sweater, Shusei’s red and bloodshot eyes looked up into the man’s face.
“I don’t know why you’re here looking like the world’s about to end…” The man reached into the warmth of his jacket’s pocket, pulled out a card and handed it to Shusei. “But if you need a place to stay then I can offer one.”
The name on the card read Takashiro Giou with the words New World spread across it. There was a phone number and address in small text near the bottom but little else.
“Think about it first.” Takashiro added, almost as an after thought. He reached out and put the umbrella in Shusei’s hand before standing up tall in the rain. He didn’t say another word, just walked off as quickly as he had appeared.
Sheltered from the rain, Shusei looked down at the card now in his hand, completely unaware how irrevocably this moment would change his life.
++++
Knocking on his door jarred Shusei from his sleep.
The echo of the rain in his ears began to dissipate just as he tried to catch his breath and ease the pounding of his heart against his chest. The memories that his dreamed churned up slowly settled in the dark subconscious of his mind, hazy on the edges but still vivid-but in a place where he knew how to manage them.
The knocking that woke him continued into a pound until Shusei was forced to sit up. The second he sat up he regretted it. His head throbbed and his side ached enough to make his eyes water. He pushed himself up to the edge of the bed just as the banging on his door got louder.
When he finally reached the door the knocking had begun to subside and for a moment Shusei thought whoever had come to the door had left-but when he pulled the door open he was surprised to see Kuroto standing in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.
“You look awful.” It was the first thing Kuroto said when he opened the door. “How’d you let someone mess you up so bad? And it took you long enough to get to the door.”
“Thanks for coming.” Shusei said in irritation, opening the door a little wider to let the shorter man inside. His head was throbbing so hard that it felt like a sledgehammer was pounding around in his skull. “Where’s Senshirou?”
“He left you here yesterday and asked me to check up on you.”
“Yesterday?” He didn’t remember waking up once since he said goodbye to Senshirou.
Kuroto held up a plastic bag. “Brought food. I figured you hadn’t eaten anything.” He walked into the living room, sitting down at the couch and leaving the plastic bag with a convenience store logo on it resting on the table.
All Shusei wanted right now was to crawl under the blankets and sleep until the pounding headache subsided and the bruises began to yellow then disappear but he made himself go sit down beside Kuroto. His eyes closed as he let his head rest against the plush back of the couch, as if he could force the pain to subside if he willed it enough.
“Senshirou told me what happened.” Shusei couldn’t quite discern the underlying rhythm in Kuroto’s voice but he had a feeling that perhaps this incident may hit too close to sensitive topics for the other man’s liking.
“We don’t need to discuss this.”
“I think we do.” Kuroto said, pushing on. “What you do is your own business…with that club and that annoying and loudmouthed person…but just remember that you aren’t the only one involved. What you do will have consequences for others. That’s something Oboro never understood.” Kuroto bit his lip. “He never understood how his actions could change another person’s life.”
Shusei opened his eyes to regard the man beside him but Kuroto just sat there with his arms tightly crossed over his chest, his eyes narrowed and serious. Shusei remembered Kuroto wearing the exact same look the first time he had met the man. It was the look of someone hell-bent on revenge.
“I’ve said what I needed to say and I checked up on you like Senshirou asked.” Kuroto stood up and looked down at Shusei. “You’ll live, either way.” He reached down into the depths of his jacket and pulled out a wad of paper. “Here,” he said as he tossed it to Shusei.
“What’s this?” Shusei looked at the piece of paper in his hands.
“A phone number. Use it.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Though I’m pretty sure you already have the number saved in your phone.”
Shusei looked down at the number and recognized it immediately.
“He came by the club a few nights ago looking for you. It’s none of my business so I won’t get involved but you should know he wants to talk to you.”
Shusei stared thoughtfully at the rumpled piece of paper, a long breath escaping between his lips. “Kuroto, can I ask you a question?”
“What is it?”
“If given the opportunity would you leave the club?”
Kuroto shoved his hands into the pocket of his pants. “And leave this host stuff behind?”
“Yes.”
Shusei thought he heard a sigh. “In an instant.” Kuroto finally said. “Without hesitation I would throw it all away.”
“I see.”
“But it’s not like I have a choice. There is someone I’m still chasing after and I won’t leave until I get my revenge. Even if I have to wallow through that hell hole of a bar in the meantime-even if that’s the only thing that will get me one step closer to my goal.” Kuroto looked at Shusei seriously. “If you don’t have a reason like that then you shouldn’t be there. Living that life for the sake of living is a mistake.”
“Then you’re saying my life isn’t even worth living?”
Kuroto shook his head. “I’m saying you should find something or someone that makes life worth living outside that place.”