[Uraboku] Bruises and Bitemarks (4/?)
Title: Bruises and Bitemarks
Author: masanami
Character(s): Hotsuma/Shusei, mentions of Senshirou/Kuroto, Takashiro, Tachibana, and others
Word Count: 6,058
Rating: R
Warnings: Host AU. Suggestive material.
Summary: Shusei's the perfect host and Hotsuma's the perfect person to ruin everything for him.
Author's Note: Back from a long hiatus and with a new chapter! Please forgive the delay, I promise that it won't take so long for the next chapter to be out^^
It’s morning-but it’s been morning for hours now.
Shusei isn’t sure how long he’s laid on this bed but he’s been here long enough to see the darkness drift away into hues of purple and orange through the slit in the window’s curtains. The bed he’s lying in is unfamiliar but the warmth and scent beside him is one he knows. Hotsuma’s steady breathing tells him that the other man is still asleep. His arm is slung loosely across Shusei’s waist, perched over the curve of his hip and fingertips resting just atop of his abdomen. Shusei can feel each and every slow, swallow breath he takes against his back, feel the tickle of his wild blonde strands that brush against the nape of his neck when Hotsuma’s face buries itself deep into the place where his neck and shoulder meet.
He hasn’t slept and he’s still fully clothed, but he’s resting in Hotsuma’s arms and in Hotsuma’s bed, with Hotsuma’s scent all around him. The side of his face is buried in Hotsuma’s pillow and he can’t keep his eyes closed-so instead he just stares at the wall in front of him like it will spill all it’s secrets if he waits patiently enough.
But it’s silent and the only thing Shusei can hear is the living and breathing being beside him. The only thing he’s given is his thoughts and the memories of the previous night-and all the things he’s done to walk himself down this path.
Here the world has paused. His eyes feel heavy and he’s tired from not sleeping but he can’t fathom the thought of closing his eyes. Last night he had laid down in Hotsuma’s arms and let himself get pulled into Hotsuma’s chest-and they just laid there. They tried letting action speak instead of words, forgetting about Shusei’s advances, Hotsuma’s rejections and-soon enough Hotsuma’s breath became steady and shallow, and Shusei was left alone with his thoughts.
But he couldn’t really think of anything. It was impossible to think of one single thing when there were too many thoughts reverberating against the walls of his head. No single thought seeped through-so instead he just focused his senses elsewhere-on Hotsuma’s scent, on the warmth of his skin, on the tickle of his breath against his hair.
It was then that Shusei realized that he couldn’t think of a single time in his life when he’d let someone just…hold him.
Touch isn’t something he isn’t familiar with but this is different-this is more intimate. It’s more calming, maybe even more precious, simply because it’s Hotsuma. Almost without his notice, without any distinct single moment or occasion, Hotsuma had become his everything. It was almost as if his appearance alone in his life had begun to chip away the world he had always known.
It felt like everything was changing.
The aroma of Hotsuma’s presence was intoxicating. Afraid to move, to disturb the person beside him, he held his breath and willed sleep away-somehow thinking this whole thing had to be some mistake, some dream destined to vanish in the morning. He wanted to remember every second-he wouldn’t let sleep deprive of a single instant of this time. He knew there might never be another moment like this again, like it would all fade away in the morning.
But when the light began to linger into the room, Hotsuma was still there. The room was still not his own empty apartment, but some place he had only ventured into at a moment of broken hesitancy. With the morning came a more keen and clear focus of what lay around him and the reality that this was Hotsuma’s space, his existence and world contained in a small room. He could finally see things around him more clearly. The room may be messy but it held a type of comfort that he’s seen in Hotsuma’s eyes-a type of sensible simplicity that’s both reassuring and predictable to a point. The sheets tangled in his legs may be wrinkled but they’re clean and they smell like Hotsuma. Even the cords lurching out of the television set container-smothering game consoles and controllers-all carry that same essence of Hotsuma.
This place is so much different than the empty apartment he occupies.
It makes him feel uneasy and Shusei feels the need to move so he pushes himself up to his elbows. Hotsuma’s hand falls from his waist and hits the mattress but the other man doesn’t stir. Shusei gazes down at him, reaching out a hand and gingerly brushing strands of golden hair away from his face. There’s a delicateness when he sleeps, a softness that etches itself into Hotsuma’s visage when the worries of the day seem to drift away.
Scooting himself to the edge of the bed, Shusei let his socked feet touch the ground. It’s not cold but he still draws his arms around himself as he stands. His dress shirt is wrinkled and the coat he had been wearing last night is laying in a pile at his feet but he ignores it for now. Instead he looks around his surroundings and absorbs them-looks to see and make sense of this side of Hotsuma he hasn’t seen before.
On the desk he looks at the crumbled papers and books that litter it’s surface. There are gaming manuals and magazines on top but buried beneath the thin paper sheets are textbooks and notebooks. He brushes aside the useless magazines and looks at the subjects Hotsuma is studying. A literature course, language, and one math class according to the books. A notebook is resting between the broken and tattered pages of one book and Shusei pushes it open to gaze inside. It’s a string of math problems that Hotsuma has feverishly scribbled through-the scuff marks of his eraser clearly visible on the paper that looks worn and tired from the gruff treatment.
He looked down at the numbers, adding them in his head, substituting and subtracting-and the answer appears before him simply enough. He can’t remember the last time he’s earnestly looked at a math problem-it’s been so long since the last day he’s been in a classroom and picked up a book that’s required reading. In his own home there’s only a small collection of books with pages he’s read from cover to cover until their spines are broken and worn.
“Trying to do my homework?”
He looks up at the sound of Hotsuma’s sleepy voice and sees the other man leaning upward, torso propped up by his elbow.
“No, not really.” Shusei answers quietly, shutting the book.
“It’s okay, you’re probably way better at it than me anyway. I can’t stand that stuff. Doesn’t matter how much I look at it-I can never take those numbers and make them match the answers in the back of the book.”
“I’m not good at those types of things.”
“Liar.” A grin pulled at Hotsuma’s lips, a playful toss of his hand. “I bet that sort of stuff comes natural to you. You just seem like the type…naturally smart and gifted. Top of your class, the perfect student, weren’t you?”
“Something like that.” Shusei sighed. “…for a while at least.”
Shusei crossed the distance between them, crawling over the bed until he was nearly on top of Hotsuma. Surprised, Hotsuma fell back amongst the pillows and looked up at Shusei, at his face that was framed by the hair that fell in front of his eyes. “Now I’m just a host that uses his body to get by in the world.”
He thought of kissing Hotsuma right then and there but he never got the chance-because the sound of a glass breaking beyond Hotsuma’s room caused them both to look toward the closed doorway.
“Damn, my roommate’s already up.” Hotsuma slithered out from underneath Shusei and got up while raking his fingers through his hair and trying to brush the wild blonde strands away from his forehead and tucking them loosely behind his ears.
Shusei didn’t bother to point out to Hotsuma that it was already well pass nine o’clock in the morning-not exactly early.
“C’mon, I’ll introduce you guys.”
Blinking, Shusei looked up at Hotsuma. Before he had a chance to open his mouth and say anything, Hotsuma was already opening the door and walking into the main room. Shusei didn’t have any choice other than to stand up from the bed and follow after him.
The living room was more spacious than Shusei imagined last night. Illuminated by the light of the day it looked more welcoming and homey than dark and ominous as it had hours ago. The curtains where Hotsuma had been standing the previous night were drawn back and open, glinting light off a single small box-shaped table where a man was wiping away a broken glass and spilled drink with a rag.
The man looked up when Hotsuma came into the room and he smiled gently, a warm and affectionate curve of lips. He was shorter than Hotsuma but not by much, with a head of gray hair and a slender but muscular body hidden underneath a loose shirt and jeans.
“Sorry, Hotsuma, it slipped.” Hotsuma helped him collect the pieces of glass that had fallen to the ground as Shusei stepped into the room, watching them from a distance before he approached. The man seemed to take notice of him then, like he had heard the light steps of his socked feet against the wooden floor. “Who’s this?”
“This is Shusei.” Hotsuma smiled gently. “Shusei, this is my roommate, Tsukumo.”
Tsukumo had these eyes that were wide but not alarmed-more accepting than surprised. His eyes shone with a soft and gentle warmth, a dark golden hue that reminded Shusei of the fall and the churning colors of decaying leafs just before the wind kicked them from their birth place amongst branches and treetops. When he looked at Shusei those eyes were delicate and warm, and they didn’t judge his wrinkled dress shirt or his tight-fitting black slacks, or maybe even the whiff of alcohol and smoke that hung in the air around him. Instead Tsukumo stepped forward and reached out a hand to take his and squeezed firmly.
“It’s nice to meet you, Shusei.”
His hands were a little sticky from the drink he’d been cleaning but they were warm and soft-and filled with a type of kindness that seemed to just be innately driven into this person’s being. It wasn’t the same as the gruffness that he saw in Hotsuma or the darkness he felt in the women that came to the bar-because Shusei, all things considered, saw himself as able to read people remarkably well-and this Tsukumo didn’t fall into any of the neat boxes he so normally dealt with. He reminded him more of Senshirou than anyone else. They both had a calmness about them that Shusei could see in the corners of their eyes and the way their lips seemed to always curve into a slight smile that hugged the corners of their mouth.
Shusei raised up a hand and brushed the backs of his fingers against the side of Tsukumo’s face, wanting to see the way the other boy would react. He flinched a bit against his touch at first but didn’t turn away, not when Shusei smiled sweetly and drew him in with his softening gaze. “It’s…nice to meet you as well, Tsukumo.”
“Tch. Don’t forget about your spilled drink.” Hotsuma barked out, annoyed from beside them. He yanked Tsukumo’s arm and the other man blinked before turning back to what he’d forgotten about so quickly. He used the rag that he’d abandoned on the counter to wipe up the last traces of the drink, leaving just a moist film in it’s wake.
Once he finished cleaning up Tsukumo opened his mouth to say something but stopped when the chime of the door’s lock clicking into place causes them all to look up. Tsukumo’s mouth is still open when the door is pushed aside and a woman with strawberry blonde hair walks into the apartment. She stares up at them through a veil of thick bangs and smiles with rose-colored lips as the door closes behind her.
“Tsukumo! Hotsuma!” She waves one hand in the air, fingers clenched around a plastic bag that she proudly displays. “I’ve brought breakfast!”
Tsukumo introduces her as Touko and her smile is as warm as the touch of her skin when she reaches out to shake his hand. She motions for him to sit down at the table with them, no one questioning his presence for a moment-because apparently Hotsuma wanting him here is more than enough for both Tsukumo and Touko.
He finds himself sitting at the table as Touko sets the bagels onto a plate, the clinking plastic top popping off and the waft of freshly risen dough filling the small kitchen. Hotsuma plops down into the seat next to him, grabs a flimsy plastic plate and puts a cinnamon swirl bagel onto it before shoving it in front of him.
“Eat.” He says, not looking at him but being demanding just with his tone. “If I leave it up to you, you won’t touch them so just wipe that smirk off your lips and eat it.”
“Hotsuma! Don’t be so rude to our guest!”
“What’s this our guest business? He’s my guest! It isn’t like this is your place-even if you seem to think it is!”
“Why y-you, you complete idiot! I’m over here just as much as you are so I can call it my place if I want-especially if Tsukumo’s here.”
“If this is your place then why don’t you start playing the bills? You keep turning on the damn air conditioner every time you spend the night and our electric bill is so high just because of you!”
“You have the manners of a pig, Hotsuma, saying something like that to a lady, I should just-“
“Touko-chan, do you want some cream cheese on your bagel?” It’s Tsukumo who interrupts their heated breaths, seeming to ignore the argument as if it were an everyday occurrence-nothing worth getting worked up over and even bating an eyelash at.
Shusei watched it all with one elbow leaning on the table and his chin resting in his open palm. His eyes widened slightly at the gruff manner in which Hotsuma spoke to Touko, so completely different from the soft cadence in which Tsukumo spoke with her. Even though they argued with one another, ignored and fretted, there wasn’t animosity or hatred in the air-just a kind of calm understanding and satisfaction. No one here was trying purposefully to make the other feel comfortable and wanted-it was as if they innately knew they were loved despite any harsh words or tones they may share.
“So where do you two know each other from?” Touko said as she leaned an elbow on the table, the freshly prepared bagel left in front of her and her attention focusing now on Shusei. “This jerk over here doesn’t look like the type that would meet someone…” She licked her lips, as if trying to find the words on the tip of her tongue. “…so put together. He’s a mess, you know?”
Shusei smiled and spoke without hesitation. “I’m a host and Hotsuma is one of my clients.”
He heard Hotsuma choking on his drink beside him.
“So that’s why you’ve been coming home so late these last few weeks.” Tsukumo said, as if it were the most natural explanation.
“We thought you were getting into some sort of trouble…” Touko sighed, brushing strands of hair from her face. “But I guess we were worrying for nothing. We thought you were up to much worse than hanging out at a host bar.”
“Who do you think I am exactly?” Hotsuma questioned with a grunt.
“A no-good, hot-headed, punk that likes to start fights-“
“And you’re just a prissy girl who spends too much time-“
“Hotsuma, Touko-chan…please.” Tsukumo interrupted with a sigh.
Hotsuma scoffed but stopped. “What are you doing here anyway?”
“Tsukumo’s taking me shopping.” She smiled then, looking over at the two seated across the table. “Why don’t you both come with us?”
Shusei could feel Hotsuma’s stare out of the corner of his eyes-and he knew without a doubt what Hotsuma hoped he would say. He could only nod his head to Touko’s question, just one bob enough to brush his hair against the sides of his face. “Sure.”
When they were finally alone again after breakfast, Hotsuma looked over at Shusei from across the room. In the other room Shusei could still hear the mumbles of Touko and Tsukumo’s conversation even if he couldn’t discern what they were saying. Hotsuma was standing behind him, a presence close enough to whisper, to make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up straight. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. Touko is pushy but she’ll understand if you don’t want to.”
“It’s fine, Hotsuma.” He picked up his jacket off the floor, trying to smooth out the wrinkles, trying to ignore the prickle of uncertainty in his own actions. He was exhausted from a sleepless night and he thought that though Tsukumo and Touko were pleasant that they would also probably pry-and Shusei wasn’t sure how much he was willing to give into their questions. There was also the matter of Hotsuma himself, the one question that was probably the easiest to answer-he really wasn’t ready to part with him just yet.
“Are you sure?”
“I said it’s fine.”
Hotsuma looked at him for a second longer before pulling open his closet door and riffling through his belongings. A second later he pulled out some clothes and tossed them to Shusei. “Here. It’s not much but at least it’s clean and doesn’t smell like that club.” He bit his lip noticeably. “It might be a little big though, you’re so damn skinny.”
Shusei looked down at the simple v-neck shirt and hooded jacket.
It’s a simple gesture-just one of practicality really-but to Shusei it simply reminds of the few times another human being had been thoughtful and caring toward him-and the consequences of those actions.
It’s been so long that he’s almost forgotten about that night-but as quickly as those memories surface he buries them away.
“What’s the matter, Shusei?”
He looked up at Hotsuma and those concerned eyes.
“Nothing, Hotsuma, nothing at all.” He forces the corner of his lips into a delicate smile. “This will be fine.”
++++
They take the subway to Ginza where Touko is sure there will be plenty of good shopping.
It’s just past rush hour so the subway station itself is sparely filled and getting on the train is easy enough without squeezing between clustered bodies. Touko and Tsukumo find a seat sitting beside each other while Shusei and Hotsuma stand near the wall. The train teeters and rocks with turns and Shusei can feel the presence of Hotsuma’s hand on his lower back, steadying him against any unexpected motions. The ride is quiet except for the announcements of the next train stop and the sound of Touko’s voice as she explains exactly what she’s looking for today.
When the train finally reaches their destination, Hotsuma leans over and speaks into his ear: “stay close, I don’t want to lose you.” Shusei thinks Hotsuma is ridiculous for saying such a thing. He isn’t a child and he isn’t going to go running the moment the doors open-but he stops himself from chiding the other man when he sees a slight nervousness in Hotsuma’s eyes. He’s not sure what to think about it so he just nods his head and stays near Hotsuma when the doors open and they follow Tsukumo and Touko into the train station.
Shusei does exactly what he says even when they meet the open space of the streets and sidewalks. The stores themselves aren’t particularly crowded at this time of the day but still Shusei can feel the way Hotsuma keeps his eyes trained on him where-ever they go. He’s used to looks and stares-and there’s no way he could miss the way Hotsuma’s golden eyes glint with his own reflection. It’s almost as if he’s afraid he’ll turn and leave if he looks away from him for a moment. He forgets for a moment about the other people on the streets or in the subway-the people who he can always feel staring at him and just seem to know he’s a host. For a moment none of that matters because Hotsuma’s own feelings are distracting him.
Shusei isn’t sure what to do or say so he just lets his fingers seek out the warmth of Hotsuma’s hand and only then-only then does Hotsuma seem to relax. The pressure of their palms together for a moment is enough to calm Hotsuma down so that when their touch parts Hotsuma isn’t as tense.
Touko does most of the leading. She’s bubbly and smiles so wonderfully big and bright. Shusei can see with only a glance the way her light seems to brighten Tsukumo as well. He can see the deep connection between them, the way they occupy each other’s space so easily and effortlessly, not caring for the thoughts or words that other’s may say about them. They get strength from each other. It’s so obvious.
He thinks about Hotsuma and the touch of his hand-is that how it starts? Could something like Tsukumo and Touko start with such a simple act?
Shusei looks to the ground and gives his head a small shake. He buries the thoughts away deep in his subconscious. He knows the past night with Hotsuma has brought up too many emotions in him. He’s not ready to deal with them all yet.
Touko takes them to different shops and smiles the whole time as she tries on different outfits. They’re in one particular store where she’s modeling in front of Tsukumo who watches her twirling around in front of him and Shusei can’t help but let his gaze travel toward them every once in a while. They are so carelessly happy. He can’t imagine a life like that, not even when he lets his gaze shift toward Hotsuma.
He pushes the thought away before it has a chance to go further. He knows better than to let himself think beyond this moment and time. Instead he forces his lips to curve into the smallest of smiles and pulls out a shirt toward Hotsuma.
“How about this one?”
“Nah,” Hotsuma shakes his head. “That stuff is too nice for a guy like me. I wouldn’t look nice dressed up all fancy like you.”
“I think you would look good.” He puts back the shirt. “Then again I think you’d look good without anything too.”
Hotsuma’s face flushes red at his comment.
“What are you two talking about?”
Hotsuma turns away from the sound of Touko’s voice in order to hide his embarrassment. “N-nothing.” He stammered. “What’s taking you so long to pick out a dress? I wanna get out of here.”
Touko put her hands on her hips, a frown setting on her lips. She looked like she was about to say something when the look slowly defused and a smile replaced the snarl that had been forming. “I’ve got an idea.” She strode away from Tsukumo’s side and laced her arm around Shusei’s arm. “Why don’t you and Tsukumo go get us all some ice cream while Shusei and I finish shopping? Shusei’s obviously got a sense of style! He can help me and you boys go get snacks.”
“Are you sure, Touko-chan?” Tsukumo asked.
Shusei watched Touko give a firm nod. “We should be done by the time you guys get back!”
Once Tsukumo and Hotsuma were finally on their way out, Touko released Shusei’s arm. She smiled softly as she looked up at him. “I’ve had enough of this store. Let’s go window shopping down the street, okay?”
“Whatever you want.” He watched her lead the way out of the store and walked beside her as she headed down the street in no particular direction. His hands slipped into the pockets of his pants as he absently watched the people crossing paths with them.
“So, Shusei…you’re a host.” It wasn’t a question, a simple statement of fact. “I’ve known a few girls who go to host clubs. Seems like pretty hard work.” She was a bit quiet. “Like it’s really easy to get attached and hurt…”
“You’re wondering if it’s like that with Hotsuma?” Shusei ventured for her.
“No, no-“ She waved a hand about dismissively. “I’m not worried about that. I can tell, I have a sixth sense for this sort of stuff. You and Hotsuma…I can see there’s a connection there. Something like that can’t be made up.”
Shusei looked toward her, quietly taking her words in.
Touko continued. “But Hotsuma…I don’t know how to explain it easily but he’s hotheaded, stubborn, and a fool. Once he gets an idea in his head it’s impossible to stop him. And I think you’re the idea he has in his head…and I think that’s great-because that guy definitely needs someone to ground him-but I’m worried that he doesn’t quite get you. I’ve seen my friends, how broken up they’ve gotten over guys at host clubs. Even though they were so upset I always wondered how it was for the guy-always lying and stringing them along. It can’t be easy, you know?” She paused, trying to find the words. “I just want you to know that Hotsuma is a good guy-despite all his negative traits-he’s a guy worth keeping.”
She looped her arm in his own. “So don’t be afraid of letting him in, okay?” She smiled.
Before Shusei had a chance to say anything Touko spotted Hotsuma and Tsukumo heading in their direction. She waved her hand out to them, strawberry-blonde hair waving through the air with her motions. “Over here you guys!”
Touko let go of his arm and rushed ahead to meet the boys while Shusei trailed behind. He thought about her words, how she so seamlessly seemed to see his doubts and insecurities. Was that why Hotsuma was so worried about him? Not letting him out of his sight, not wanting him to push their relationship towards intimacy? Maybe he had underestimated Hotsuma. Maybe the other man knew him better than he knew himself.
But…how could that be?
Shusei didn’t even seem know himself these days.
Hotsuma smiled as he handed him a green tea ice cream. “I wasn’t sure what you’d like…so I got you the same thing as me.”
Taking the ice cream from Hotsuma, Shusei smiled softly. “This is fine.”
This is fine, he repeated to him, wishing he believed it was true.
++++
Later that evening they are laying on Hotsuma’s bed again. Shusei can feel Hotsuma’s head resting on his stomach as he strokes his fingers through the blonde strands and stares at the ceiling. They aren’t really talking and Shusei’s eyes feel heavy enough for sleep to want to claim them and take him away from this place-but he isn’t ready to close them just yet and turn off the lights on this scene. Hotsuma is engrossed in a video game he’s playing but the volume is on silent so the only thing Shusei can hear is the press of his fingertips against buttons and the occasional indiscernible mumble from Hotsuma’s lips. There’s not even a hair’s breath between them and they’ve comfortably settled into this situation.
Shusei isn’t even quite sure where his day has gone. It slipped away from him, as intangible and flimsy as time has always been except for today it’s done so without him silently counting down the moments until the next day-the next night, the next hour, the next second until he needs to take another breath.
Because now Hotsuma’s here and Hotsuma has this tendency to both slow and speed up the world around him. Shusei can barely keep his equilibrium.
He wishes things could stay like this forever. Right now he doesn’t have to worry about the words Touko had spoken earlier or about the world that he knows outside the four walls of this room. There is only Hotsuma and that thought comforted him. Even if he was unsure of what the future would hold between them there was still this moment-and that was something he could understand-he could grasp the fleeting nature of a moment in time like this.
Hotsuma eventually tires of the game and sets it aside.
“Do you have to work tonight?” Hotsuma finally asked him.
“Not tonight.”
“So you can stay a while longer, right?”
“If you want, a little longer.”
“I do…” Hotsuma’s quiet for a moment, shifting his weight a bit and moving so that he look can look toward Shusei’s face. “Tell me more about yourself Shusei.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Do you have any special talents?”
“Not particularly.”
“Play any musical instruments?”
“The piano, a long time ago, when I was younger.”
Hotsuma paused, considering his next words carefully. “Why’d you become a host?”
“Because…it was raining.”
“That’s not an answer!”
“It’s the truth.” Shusei’s eyes closed. “I think…if it hadn’t been raining that day I might not have become a host.”
Shusei felt the bed stir as Hotsuma pushed himself up. When he opened his eyes Hotsuma was leaning over him. Shusei blinked.
“So…you’re saying you chose this life for no reason at all?”
Shusei looked away from Hotsuma. “I don’t want to talk about this Hotsuma.” He tried to roll on his side, away from the stare that Hotsuma gave him, but Hotsuma merely pinned down his shoulders.
“I want you to explain it to me.” His fingers tightened, pushing into his shoulder. “I’ve watched you work…I see everything you do…I have to know there’s a reason for it, for all the lying and conceit you live with…something better than the weather.” He nearly spat the last word.
“Hotsuma…”
“To choose a life like this…there has to be a better reason.”
Shusei remains silent because there’s nothing else he knows that he can say.
Frustrated, Hotsuma looked away. “How am I supposed to believe something like that?” He says the words more to himself than Shusei. “Tch. Whatever. I get it. You’re not the type to talk about this stuff easily so if you don’t want to tell me right now then that’s fine-but one day I want to hear it. When you’re ready I want you to tell me everything.”
Hotsuma leaned down until Shusei could feel the warmth of his breath against his ear, the brush of a bated eyelash against his cheek. “Until then this is okay for right now…being here, just like this.”
“Just like this?” Shusei repeated softly. “Are you sure?” He let out a long breath. “What if one day you decide it’s too much for you?”
“Now you’re the one sounding ridiculous, Shusei. I’ve already told you, you’re mine.” He leaned in, kissing the soft flesh under Shusei’s chin. “And I don’t let go of my things easily.”
Shusei’s eyes slowly closed. He allowed himself a single moment to enjoy the soft, moist, warmth of Hotsuma lips. “Another time, Hotsuma.”
The coolness left behind when Hotsuma withdraws his lips makes Shusei shudder. “What’s wrong Shusei?”
“There’s nothing wrong.” He forces himself to stand up, his body unsteady. “I should just leave…before I miss the last train.”
“I kinda…thought you would stay the night again.”
The quiet disappoint in Hotsuma’s eyes is almost enough to make Shusei stay-almost. He reaches down to where Hotsuma is sitting and runs a hand through his blonde hair. Hotsuma closes his eyes against his touch. “Next time, maybe.”
++++
It’s raining when he steps outside Hotsuma’s apartment.
It’s raining just like that night.
Shusei wondered if it was odd that that moment hadn’t crossed his mind in such a long a time but now-now when he’s faced with the new possibility for something entirely different in his life-only then does the memory bubble to the surface of his consciousness. His clothes are soaked through almost as soon as he steps out into the street, drenching him to the skin, and it only reminds him even more of how he felt that day. A day he had spent walking the streets of Tokyo until there were no longer any traces of the sun lingering in the sky, until the sky was swallowed up in clouds and rain chilled him to the bone.
But there’s difference to then and now.
Now there is a place for him to go. Kabuchiko isn’t home to many but it’s a place where he is known and welcomed. He has to remind himself that his circumstances will never be the same as they had been then-a time when he really had no choices.
His legs feel a bit heavy and his heart a bit congested, but he continues to walk out into the rain without a second thought. He doesn’t have an umbrella but a little rain never stopped him before so he just pulls up the hood of Hotsuma's jacket and starts walking. The water crashes down around him-pelts of tiny rain droplets across his coat and into his hair. It hits his face, not gently but with tiny pinpricks that burst to pieces the moment they hit his skin.
Shusei isn’t really sure why the rain makes him sad. Here is the darkness and here is rain-but in that world that he’s learned to draw comfort suddenly everything feels as if it’s hit some sort of disarray.
It’s all because of Hotsuma.
He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t afraid. Investing so much, letting these feelings slip through his grasp-what would happen if he were to give everything to Hotsuma? Would he no longer be the same person, would he even know who he was anymore? The memories of the time before he was a host are ones filled with a darkness he wants to forget…how could Hotsuma possibly light that darkness?
Shusei realizes his breathing is harder. The rain mingles in with his hair, clings to the curves of his face, soaks his shoes. Even though he’s scared he realizes he’s lonely without Hotsuma beside him.
He could hear the thud of footsteps sloshing through puddles before he heard the voice calling out his name.
When he turned around Hotsuma finally caught up to him. He was huffing and the rain was dribbling down the sides of his face, looking more like sweat than nature falling to the whims of gravity.
“It’s raining.” Hotsuma panted out. “And look-you’re all wet. Not taking care of yourself, doing ridiculous things like that.”
“Hotsuma, I-“
“Forget the excuses.” From his side he pulled out his umbrella. It clicked open before them, billowing in the space between them until Hotsuma flipped it over and took one step forward-shielding them both underneath it’s reach. “Just take care of yourself. This not eating, staying up late thing is over. You’ve got someone watching out for you now, understand? You can’t keep pretending like a little water is nothing. Whenever you get sick it’s going to be me that’s going to have to take care of you. So don’t make extra work for me, got it?”
“Hotsuma, you…” Shusei stepped forward, closing the distance between them. He leaned his head down until it was resting against the moist fabric covering Hotsuma’s chest. Hotsuma’s actions are enough to make Shusei realize he’s been a fool for a change. Fretting and flirting with the idea of being with Hotsuma was his own mistake when deep down he knew that’s all he wanted. It was time to take Touko’s words to heart, to really try to let Hotsuma in-even if it made everything else in his life a confused mess. “You…really are amazing.”
“Eh? Shusei? Are you already sick? What’s wrong?” Shusei could feel the burn of embarrassed flowing all the way down to Hotsuma’s chest.
“Nothing, Hotsuma, it’s…nothing.” But his whispered words never reach Hotsuma-they are drowned out in the rain that surrounded them.
Author: masanami
Character(s): Hotsuma/Shusei, mentions of Senshirou/Kuroto, Takashiro, Tachibana, and others
Word Count: 6,058
Rating: R
Warnings: Host AU. Suggestive material.
Summary: Shusei's the perfect host and Hotsuma's the perfect person to ruin everything for him.
Author's Note: Back from a long hiatus and with a new chapter! Please forgive the delay, I promise that it won't take so long for the next chapter to be out^^
It’s morning-but it’s been morning for hours now.
Shusei isn’t sure how long he’s laid on this bed but he’s been here long enough to see the darkness drift away into hues of purple and orange through the slit in the window’s curtains. The bed he’s lying in is unfamiliar but the warmth and scent beside him is one he knows. Hotsuma’s steady breathing tells him that the other man is still asleep. His arm is slung loosely across Shusei’s waist, perched over the curve of his hip and fingertips resting just atop of his abdomen. Shusei can feel each and every slow, swallow breath he takes against his back, feel the tickle of his wild blonde strands that brush against the nape of his neck when Hotsuma’s face buries itself deep into the place where his neck and shoulder meet.
He hasn’t slept and he’s still fully clothed, but he’s resting in Hotsuma’s arms and in Hotsuma’s bed, with Hotsuma’s scent all around him. The side of his face is buried in Hotsuma’s pillow and he can’t keep his eyes closed-so instead he just stares at the wall in front of him like it will spill all it’s secrets if he waits patiently enough.
But it’s silent and the only thing Shusei can hear is the living and breathing being beside him. The only thing he’s given is his thoughts and the memories of the previous night-and all the things he’s done to walk himself down this path.
Here the world has paused. His eyes feel heavy and he’s tired from not sleeping but he can’t fathom the thought of closing his eyes. Last night he had laid down in Hotsuma’s arms and let himself get pulled into Hotsuma’s chest-and they just laid there. They tried letting action speak instead of words, forgetting about Shusei’s advances, Hotsuma’s rejections and-soon enough Hotsuma’s breath became steady and shallow, and Shusei was left alone with his thoughts.
But he couldn’t really think of anything. It was impossible to think of one single thing when there were too many thoughts reverberating against the walls of his head. No single thought seeped through-so instead he just focused his senses elsewhere-on Hotsuma’s scent, on the warmth of his skin, on the tickle of his breath against his hair.
It was then that Shusei realized that he couldn’t think of a single time in his life when he’d let someone just…hold him.
Touch isn’t something he isn’t familiar with but this is different-this is more intimate. It’s more calming, maybe even more precious, simply because it’s Hotsuma. Almost without his notice, without any distinct single moment or occasion, Hotsuma had become his everything. It was almost as if his appearance alone in his life had begun to chip away the world he had always known.
It felt like everything was changing.
The aroma of Hotsuma’s presence was intoxicating. Afraid to move, to disturb the person beside him, he held his breath and willed sleep away-somehow thinking this whole thing had to be some mistake, some dream destined to vanish in the morning. He wanted to remember every second-he wouldn’t let sleep deprive of a single instant of this time. He knew there might never be another moment like this again, like it would all fade away in the morning.
But when the light began to linger into the room, Hotsuma was still there. The room was still not his own empty apartment, but some place he had only ventured into at a moment of broken hesitancy. With the morning came a more keen and clear focus of what lay around him and the reality that this was Hotsuma’s space, his existence and world contained in a small room. He could finally see things around him more clearly. The room may be messy but it held a type of comfort that he’s seen in Hotsuma’s eyes-a type of sensible simplicity that’s both reassuring and predictable to a point. The sheets tangled in his legs may be wrinkled but they’re clean and they smell like Hotsuma. Even the cords lurching out of the television set container-smothering game consoles and controllers-all carry that same essence of Hotsuma.
This place is so much different than the empty apartment he occupies.
It makes him feel uneasy and Shusei feels the need to move so he pushes himself up to his elbows. Hotsuma’s hand falls from his waist and hits the mattress but the other man doesn’t stir. Shusei gazes down at him, reaching out a hand and gingerly brushing strands of golden hair away from his face. There’s a delicateness when he sleeps, a softness that etches itself into Hotsuma’s visage when the worries of the day seem to drift away.
Scooting himself to the edge of the bed, Shusei let his socked feet touch the ground. It’s not cold but he still draws his arms around himself as he stands. His dress shirt is wrinkled and the coat he had been wearing last night is laying in a pile at his feet but he ignores it for now. Instead he looks around his surroundings and absorbs them-looks to see and make sense of this side of Hotsuma he hasn’t seen before.
On the desk he looks at the crumbled papers and books that litter it’s surface. There are gaming manuals and magazines on top but buried beneath the thin paper sheets are textbooks and notebooks. He brushes aside the useless magazines and looks at the subjects Hotsuma is studying. A literature course, language, and one math class according to the books. A notebook is resting between the broken and tattered pages of one book and Shusei pushes it open to gaze inside. It’s a string of math problems that Hotsuma has feverishly scribbled through-the scuff marks of his eraser clearly visible on the paper that looks worn and tired from the gruff treatment.
He looked down at the numbers, adding them in his head, substituting and subtracting-and the answer appears before him simply enough. He can’t remember the last time he’s earnestly looked at a math problem-it’s been so long since the last day he’s been in a classroom and picked up a book that’s required reading. In his own home there’s only a small collection of books with pages he’s read from cover to cover until their spines are broken and worn.
“Trying to do my homework?”
He looks up at the sound of Hotsuma’s sleepy voice and sees the other man leaning upward, torso propped up by his elbow.
“No, not really.” Shusei answers quietly, shutting the book.
“It’s okay, you’re probably way better at it than me anyway. I can’t stand that stuff. Doesn’t matter how much I look at it-I can never take those numbers and make them match the answers in the back of the book.”
“I’m not good at those types of things.”
“Liar.” A grin pulled at Hotsuma’s lips, a playful toss of his hand. “I bet that sort of stuff comes natural to you. You just seem like the type…naturally smart and gifted. Top of your class, the perfect student, weren’t you?”
“Something like that.” Shusei sighed. “…for a while at least.”
Shusei crossed the distance between them, crawling over the bed until he was nearly on top of Hotsuma. Surprised, Hotsuma fell back amongst the pillows and looked up at Shusei, at his face that was framed by the hair that fell in front of his eyes. “Now I’m just a host that uses his body to get by in the world.”
He thought of kissing Hotsuma right then and there but he never got the chance-because the sound of a glass breaking beyond Hotsuma’s room caused them both to look toward the closed doorway.
“Damn, my roommate’s already up.” Hotsuma slithered out from underneath Shusei and got up while raking his fingers through his hair and trying to brush the wild blonde strands away from his forehead and tucking them loosely behind his ears.
Shusei didn’t bother to point out to Hotsuma that it was already well pass nine o’clock in the morning-not exactly early.
“C’mon, I’ll introduce you guys.”
Blinking, Shusei looked up at Hotsuma. Before he had a chance to open his mouth and say anything, Hotsuma was already opening the door and walking into the main room. Shusei didn’t have any choice other than to stand up from the bed and follow after him.
The living room was more spacious than Shusei imagined last night. Illuminated by the light of the day it looked more welcoming and homey than dark and ominous as it had hours ago. The curtains where Hotsuma had been standing the previous night were drawn back and open, glinting light off a single small box-shaped table where a man was wiping away a broken glass and spilled drink with a rag.
The man looked up when Hotsuma came into the room and he smiled gently, a warm and affectionate curve of lips. He was shorter than Hotsuma but not by much, with a head of gray hair and a slender but muscular body hidden underneath a loose shirt and jeans.
“Sorry, Hotsuma, it slipped.” Hotsuma helped him collect the pieces of glass that had fallen to the ground as Shusei stepped into the room, watching them from a distance before he approached. The man seemed to take notice of him then, like he had heard the light steps of his socked feet against the wooden floor. “Who’s this?”
“This is Shusei.” Hotsuma smiled gently. “Shusei, this is my roommate, Tsukumo.”
Tsukumo had these eyes that were wide but not alarmed-more accepting than surprised. His eyes shone with a soft and gentle warmth, a dark golden hue that reminded Shusei of the fall and the churning colors of decaying leafs just before the wind kicked them from their birth place amongst branches and treetops. When he looked at Shusei those eyes were delicate and warm, and they didn’t judge his wrinkled dress shirt or his tight-fitting black slacks, or maybe even the whiff of alcohol and smoke that hung in the air around him. Instead Tsukumo stepped forward and reached out a hand to take his and squeezed firmly.
“It’s nice to meet you, Shusei.”
His hands were a little sticky from the drink he’d been cleaning but they were warm and soft-and filled with a type of kindness that seemed to just be innately driven into this person’s being. It wasn’t the same as the gruffness that he saw in Hotsuma or the darkness he felt in the women that came to the bar-because Shusei, all things considered, saw himself as able to read people remarkably well-and this Tsukumo didn’t fall into any of the neat boxes he so normally dealt with. He reminded him more of Senshirou than anyone else. They both had a calmness about them that Shusei could see in the corners of their eyes and the way their lips seemed to always curve into a slight smile that hugged the corners of their mouth.
Shusei raised up a hand and brushed the backs of his fingers against the side of Tsukumo’s face, wanting to see the way the other boy would react. He flinched a bit against his touch at first but didn’t turn away, not when Shusei smiled sweetly and drew him in with his softening gaze. “It’s…nice to meet you as well, Tsukumo.”
“Tch. Don’t forget about your spilled drink.” Hotsuma barked out, annoyed from beside them. He yanked Tsukumo’s arm and the other man blinked before turning back to what he’d forgotten about so quickly. He used the rag that he’d abandoned on the counter to wipe up the last traces of the drink, leaving just a moist film in it’s wake.
Once he finished cleaning up Tsukumo opened his mouth to say something but stopped when the chime of the door’s lock clicking into place causes them all to look up. Tsukumo’s mouth is still open when the door is pushed aside and a woman with strawberry blonde hair walks into the apartment. She stares up at them through a veil of thick bangs and smiles with rose-colored lips as the door closes behind her.
“Tsukumo! Hotsuma!” She waves one hand in the air, fingers clenched around a plastic bag that she proudly displays. “I’ve brought breakfast!”
Tsukumo introduces her as Touko and her smile is as warm as the touch of her skin when she reaches out to shake his hand. She motions for him to sit down at the table with them, no one questioning his presence for a moment-because apparently Hotsuma wanting him here is more than enough for both Tsukumo and Touko.
He finds himself sitting at the table as Touko sets the bagels onto a plate, the clinking plastic top popping off and the waft of freshly risen dough filling the small kitchen. Hotsuma plops down into the seat next to him, grabs a flimsy plastic plate and puts a cinnamon swirl bagel onto it before shoving it in front of him.
“Eat.” He says, not looking at him but being demanding just with his tone. “If I leave it up to you, you won’t touch them so just wipe that smirk off your lips and eat it.”
“Hotsuma! Don’t be so rude to our guest!”
“What’s this our guest business? He’s my guest! It isn’t like this is your place-even if you seem to think it is!”
“Why y-you, you complete idiot! I’m over here just as much as you are so I can call it my place if I want-especially if Tsukumo’s here.”
“If this is your place then why don’t you start playing the bills? You keep turning on the damn air conditioner every time you spend the night and our electric bill is so high just because of you!”
“You have the manners of a pig, Hotsuma, saying something like that to a lady, I should just-“
“Touko-chan, do you want some cream cheese on your bagel?” It’s Tsukumo who interrupts their heated breaths, seeming to ignore the argument as if it were an everyday occurrence-nothing worth getting worked up over and even bating an eyelash at.
Shusei watched it all with one elbow leaning on the table and his chin resting in his open palm. His eyes widened slightly at the gruff manner in which Hotsuma spoke to Touko, so completely different from the soft cadence in which Tsukumo spoke with her. Even though they argued with one another, ignored and fretted, there wasn’t animosity or hatred in the air-just a kind of calm understanding and satisfaction. No one here was trying purposefully to make the other feel comfortable and wanted-it was as if they innately knew they were loved despite any harsh words or tones they may share.
“So where do you two know each other from?” Touko said as she leaned an elbow on the table, the freshly prepared bagel left in front of her and her attention focusing now on Shusei. “This jerk over here doesn’t look like the type that would meet someone…” She licked her lips, as if trying to find the words on the tip of her tongue. “…so put together. He’s a mess, you know?”
Shusei smiled and spoke without hesitation. “I’m a host and Hotsuma is one of my clients.”
He heard Hotsuma choking on his drink beside him.
“So that’s why you’ve been coming home so late these last few weeks.” Tsukumo said, as if it were the most natural explanation.
“We thought you were getting into some sort of trouble…” Touko sighed, brushing strands of hair from her face. “But I guess we were worrying for nothing. We thought you were up to much worse than hanging out at a host bar.”
“Who do you think I am exactly?” Hotsuma questioned with a grunt.
“A no-good, hot-headed, punk that likes to start fights-“
“And you’re just a prissy girl who spends too much time-“
“Hotsuma, Touko-chan…please.” Tsukumo interrupted with a sigh.
Hotsuma scoffed but stopped. “What are you doing here anyway?”
“Tsukumo’s taking me shopping.” She smiled then, looking over at the two seated across the table. “Why don’t you both come with us?”
Shusei could feel Hotsuma’s stare out of the corner of his eyes-and he knew without a doubt what Hotsuma hoped he would say. He could only nod his head to Touko’s question, just one bob enough to brush his hair against the sides of his face. “Sure.”
When they were finally alone again after breakfast, Hotsuma looked over at Shusei from across the room. In the other room Shusei could still hear the mumbles of Touko and Tsukumo’s conversation even if he couldn’t discern what they were saying. Hotsuma was standing behind him, a presence close enough to whisper, to make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up straight. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. Touko is pushy but she’ll understand if you don’t want to.”
“It’s fine, Hotsuma.” He picked up his jacket off the floor, trying to smooth out the wrinkles, trying to ignore the prickle of uncertainty in his own actions. He was exhausted from a sleepless night and he thought that though Tsukumo and Touko were pleasant that they would also probably pry-and Shusei wasn’t sure how much he was willing to give into their questions. There was also the matter of Hotsuma himself, the one question that was probably the easiest to answer-he really wasn’t ready to part with him just yet.
“Are you sure?”
“I said it’s fine.”
Hotsuma looked at him for a second longer before pulling open his closet door and riffling through his belongings. A second later he pulled out some clothes and tossed them to Shusei. “Here. It’s not much but at least it’s clean and doesn’t smell like that club.” He bit his lip noticeably. “It might be a little big though, you’re so damn skinny.”
Shusei looked down at the simple v-neck shirt and hooded jacket.
It’s a simple gesture-just one of practicality really-but to Shusei it simply reminds of the few times another human being had been thoughtful and caring toward him-and the consequences of those actions.
It’s been so long that he’s almost forgotten about that night-but as quickly as those memories surface he buries them away.
“What’s the matter, Shusei?”
He looked up at Hotsuma and those concerned eyes.
“Nothing, Hotsuma, nothing at all.” He forces the corner of his lips into a delicate smile. “This will be fine.”
++++
They take the subway to Ginza where Touko is sure there will be plenty of good shopping.
It’s just past rush hour so the subway station itself is sparely filled and getting on the train is easy enough without squeezing between clustered bodies. Touko and Tsukumo find a seat sitting beside each other while Shusei and Hotsuma stand near the wall. The train teeters and rocks with turns and Shusei can feel the presence of Hotsuma’s hand on his lower back, steadying him against any unexpected motions. The ride is quiet except for the announcements of the next train stop and the sound of Touko’s voice as she explains exactly what she’s looking for today.
When the train finally reaches their destination, Hotsuma leans over and speaks into his ear: “stay close, I don’t want to lose you.” Shusei thinks Hotsuma is ridiculous for saying such a thing. He isn’t a child and he isn’t going to go running the moment the doors open-but he stops himself from chiding the other man when he sees a slight nervousness in Hotsuma’s eyes. He’s not sure what to think about it so he just nods his head and stays near Hotsuma when the doors open and they follow Tsukumo and Touko into the train station.
Shusei does exactly what he says even when they meet the open space of the streets and sidewalks. The stores themselves aren’t particularly crowded at this time of the day but still Shusei can feel the way Hotsuma keeps his eyes trained on him where-ever they go. He’s used to looks and stares-and there’s no way he could miss the way Hotsuma’s golden eyes glint with his own reflection. It’s almost as if he’s afraid he’ll turn and leave if he looks away from him for a moment. He forgets for a moment about the other people on the streets or in the subway-the people who he can always feel staring at him and just seem to know he’s a host. For a moment none of that matters because Hotsuma’s own feelings are distracting him.
Shusei isn’t sure what to do or say so he just lets his fingers seek out the warmth of Hotsuma’s hand and only then-only then does Hotsuma seem to relax. The pressure of their palms together for a moment is enough to calm Hotsuma down so that when their touch parts Hotsuma isn’t as tense.
Touko does most of the leading. She’s bubbly and smiles so wonderfully big and bright. Shusei can see with only a glance the way her light seems to brighten Tsukumo as well. He can see the deep connection between them, the way they occupy each other’s space so easily and effortlessly, not caring for the thoughts or words that other’s may say about them. They get strength from each other. It’s so obvious.
He thinks about Hotsuma and the touch of his hand-is that how it starts? Could something like Tsukumo and Touko start with such a simple act?
Shusei looks to the ground and gives his head a small shake. He buries the thoughts away deep in his subconscious. He knows the past night with Hotsuma has brought up too many emotions in him. He’s not ready to deal with them all yet.
Touko takes them to different shops and smiles the whole time as she tries on different outfits. They’re in one particular store where she’s modeling in front of Tsukumo who watches her twirling around in front of him and Shusei can’t help but let his gaze travel toward them every once in a while. They are so carelessly happy. He can’t imagine a life like that, not even when he lets his gaze shift toward Hotsuma.
He pushes the thought away before it has a chance to go further. He knows better than to let himself think beyond this moment and time. Instead he forces his lips to curve into the smallest of smiles and pulls out a shirt toward Hotsuma.
“How about this one?”
“Nah,” Hotsuma shakes his head. “That stuff is too nice for a guy like me. I wouldn’t look nice dressed up all fancy like you.”
“I think you would look good.” He puts back the shirt. “Then again I think you’d look good without anything too.”
Hotsuma’s face flushes red at his comment.
“What are you two talking about?”
Hotsuma turns away from the sound of Touko’s voice in order to hide his embarrassment. “N-nothing.” He stammered. “What’s taking you so long to pick out a dress? I wanna get out of here.”
Touko put her hands on her hips, a frown setting on her lips. She looked like she was about to say something when the look slowly defused and a smile replaced the snarl that had been forming. “I’ve got an idea.” She strode away from Tsukumo’s side and laced her arm around Shusei’s arm. “Why don’t you and Tsukumo go get us all some ice cream while Shusei and I finish shopping? Shusei’s obviously got a sense of style! He can help me and you boys go get snacks.”
“Are you sure, Touko-chan?” Tsukumo asked.
Shusei watched Touko give a firm nod. “We should be done by the time you guys get back!”
Once Tsukumo and Hotsuma were finally on their way out, Touko released Shusei’s arm. She smiled softly as she looked up at him. “I’ve had enough of this store. Let’s go window shopping down the street, okay?”
“Whatever you want.” He watched her lead the way out of the store and walked beside her as she headed down the street in no particular direction. His hands slipped into the pockets of his pants as he absently watched the people crossing paths with them.
“So, Shusei…you’re a host.” It wasn’t a question, a simple statement of fact. “I’ve known a few girls who go to host clubs. Seems like pretty hard work.” She was a bit quiet. “Like it’s really easy to get attached and hurt…”
“You’re wondering if it’s like that with Hotsuma?” Shusei ventured for her.
“No, no-“ She waved a hand about dismissively. “I’m not worried about that. I can tell, I have a sixth sense for this sort of stuff. You and Hotsuma…I can see there’s a connection there. Something like that can’t be made up.”
Shusei looked toward her, quietly taking her words in.
Touko continued. “But Hotsuma…I don’t know how to explain it easily but he’s hotheaded, stubborn, and a fool. Once he gets an idea in his head it’s impossible to stop him. And I think you’re the idea he has in his head…and I think that’s great-because that guy definitely needs someone to ground him-but I’m worried that he doesn’t quite get you. I’ve seen my friends, how broken up they’ve gotten over guys at host clubs. Even though they were so upset I always wondered how it was for the guy-always lying and stringing them along. It can’t be easy, you know?” She paused, trying to find the words. “I just want you to know that Hotsuma is a good guy-despite all his negative traits-he’s a guy worth keeping.”
She looped her arm in his own. “So don’t be afraid of letting him in, okay?” She smiled.
Before Shusei had a chance to say anything Touko spotted Hotsuma and Tsukumo heading in their direction. She waved her hand out to them, strawberry-blonde hair waving through the air with her motions. “Over here you guys!”
Touko let go of his arm and rushed ahead to meet the boys while Shusei trailed behind. He thought about her words, how she so seamlessly seemed to see his doubts and insecurities. Was that why Hotsuma was so worried about him? Not letting him out of his sight, not wanting him to push their relationship towards intimacy? Maybe he had underestimated Hotsuma. Maybe the other man knew him better than he knew himself.
But…how could that be?
Shusei didn’t even seem know himself these days.
Hotsuma smiled as he handed him a green tea ice cream. “I wasn’t sure what you’d like…so I got you the same thing as me.”
Taking the ice cream from Hotsuma, Shusei smiled softly. “This is fine.”
This is fine, he repeated to him, wishing he believed it was true.
++++
Later that evening they are laying on Hotsuma’s bed again. Shusei can feel Hotsuma’s head resting on his stomach as he strokes his fingers through the blonde strands and stares at the ceiling. They aren’t really talking and Shusei’s eyes feel heavy enough for sleep to want to claim them and take him away from this place-but he isn’t ready to close them just yet and turn off the lights on this scene. Hotsuma is engrossed in a video game he’s playing but the volume is on silent so the only thing Shusei can hear is the press of his fingertips against buttons and the occasional indiscernible mumble from Hotsuma’s lips. There’s not even a hair’s breath between them and they’ve comfortably settled into this situation.
Shusei isn’t even quite sure where his day has gone. It slipped away from him, as intangible and flimsy as time has always been except for today it’s done so without him silently counting down the moments until the next day-the next night, the next hour, the next second until he needs to take another breath.
Because now Hotsuma’s here and Hotsuma has this tendency to both slow and speed up the world around him. Shusei can barely keep his equilibrium.
He wishes things could stay like this forever. Right now he doesn’t have to worry about the words Touko had spoken earlier or about the world that he knows outside the four walls of this room. There is only Hotsuma and that thought comforted him. Even if he was unsure of what the future would hold between them there was still this moment-and that was something he could understand-he could grasp the fleeting nature of a moment in time like this.
Hotsuma eventually tires of the game and sets it aside.
“Do you have to work tonight?” Hotsuma finally asked him.
“Not tonight.”
“So you can stay a while longer, right?”
“If you want, a little longer.”
“I do…” Hotsuma’s quiet for a moment, shifting his weight a bit and moving so that he look can look toward Shusei’s face. “Tell me more about yourself Shusei.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Do you have any special talents?”
“Not particularly.”
“Play any musical instruments?”
“The piano, a long time ago, when I was younger.”
Hotsuma paused, considering his next words carefully. “Why’d you become a host?”
“Because…it was raining.”
“That’s not an answer!”
“It’s the truth.” Shusei’s eyes closed. “I think…if it hadn’t been raining that day I might not have become a host.”
Shusei felt the bed stir as Hotsuma pushed himself up. When he opened his eyes Hotsuma was leaning over him. Shusei blinked.
“So…you’re saying you chose this life for no reason at all?”
Shusei looked away from Hotsuma. “I don’t want to talk about this Hotsuma.” He tried to roll on his side, away from the stare that Hotsuma gave him, but Hotsuma merely pinned down his shoulders.
“I want you to explain it to me.” His fingers tightened, pushing into his shoulder. “I’ve watched you work…I see everything you do…I have to know there’s a reason for it, for all the lying and conceit you live with…something better than the weather.” He nearly spat the last word.
“Hotsuma…”
“To choose a life like this…there has to be a better reason.”
Shusei remains silent because there’s nothing else he knows that he can say.
Frustrated, Hotsuma looked away. “How am I supposed to believe something like that?” He says the words more to himself than Shusei. “Tch. Whatever. I get it. You’re not the type to talk about this stuff easily so if you don’t want to tell me right now then that’s fine-but one day I want to hear it. When you’re ready I want you to tell me everything.”
Hotsuma leaned down until Shusei could feel the warmth of his breath against his ear, the brush of a bated eyelash against his cheek. “Until then this is okay for right now…being here, just like this.”
“Just like this?” Shusei repeated softly. “Are you sure?” He let out a long breath. “What if one day you decide it’s too much for you?”
“Now you’re the one sounding ridiculous, Shusei. I’ve already told you, you’re mine.” He leaned in, kissing the soft flesh under Shusei’s chin. “And I don’t let go of my things easily.”
Shusei’s eyes slowly closed. He allowed himself a single moment to enjoy the soft, moist, warmth of Hotsuma lips. “Another time, Hotsuma.”
The coolness left behind when Hotsuma withdraws his lips makes Shusei shudder. “What’s wrong Shusei?”
“There’s nothing wrong.” He forces himself to stand up, his body unsteady. “I should just leave…before I miss the last train.”
“I kinda…thought you would stay the night again.”
The quiet disappoint in Hotsuma’s eyes is almost enough to make Shusei stay-almost. He reaches down to where Hotsuma is sitting and runs a hand through his blonde hair. Hotsuma closes his eyes against his touch. “Next time, maybe.”
++++
It’s raining when he steps outside Hotsuma’s apartment.
It’s raining just like that night.
Shusei wondered if it was odd that that moment hadn’t crossed his mind in such a long a time but now-now when he’s faced with the new possibility for something entirely different in his life-only then does the memory bubble to the surface of his consciousness. His clothes are soaked through almost as soon as he steps out into the street, drenching him to the skin, and it only reminds him even more of how he felt that day. A day he had spent walking the streets of Tokyo until there were no longer any traces of the sun lingering in the sky, until the sky was swallowed up in clouds and rain chilled him to the bone.
But there’s difference to then and now.
Now there is a place for him to go. Kabuchiko isn’t home to many but it’s a place where he is known and welcomed. He has to remind himself that his circumstances will never be the same as they had been then-a time when he really had no choices.
His legs feel a bit heavy and his heart a bit congested, but he continues to walk out into the rain without a second thought. He doesn’t have an umbrella but a little rain never stopped him before so he just pulls up the hood of Hotsuma's jacket and starts walking. The water crashes down around him-pelts of tiny rain droplets across his coat and into his hair. It hits his face, not gently but with tiny pinpricks that burst to pieces the moment they hit his skin.
Shusei isn’t really sure why the rain makes him sad. Here is the darkness and here is rain-but in that world that he’s learned to draw comfort suddenly everything feels as if it’s hit some sort of disarray.
It’s all because of Hotsuma.
He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t afraid. Investing so much, letting these feelings slip through his grasp-what would happen if he were to give everything to Hotsuma? Would he no longer be the same person, would he even know who he was anymore? The memories of the time before he was a host are ones filled with a darkness he wants to forget…how could Hotsuma possibly light that darkness?
Shusei realizes his breathing is harder. The rain mingles in with his hair, clings to the curves of his face, soaks his shoes. Even though he’s scared he realizes he’s lonely without Hotsuma beside him.
He could hear the thud of footsteps sloshing through puddles before he heard the voice calling out his name.
When he turned around Hotsuma finally caught up to him. He was huffing and the rain was dribbling down the sides of his face, looking more like sweat than nature falling to the whims of gravity.
“It’s raining.” Hotsuma panted out. “And look-you’re all wet. Not taking care of yourself, doing ridiculous things like that.”
“Hotsuma, I-“
“Forget the excuses.” From his side he pulled out his umbrella. It clicked open before them, billowing in the space between them until Hotsuma flipped it over and took one step forward-shielding them both underneath it’s reach. “Just take care of yourself. This not eating, staying up late thing is over. You’ve got someone watching out for you now, understand? You can’t keep pretending like a little water is nothing. Whenever you get sick it’s going to be me that’s going to have to take care of you. So don’t make extra work for me, got it?”
“Hotsuma, you…” Shusei stepped forward, closing the distance between them. He leaned his head down until it was resting against the moist fabric covering Hotsuma’s chest. Hotsuma’s actions are enough to make Shusei realize he’s been a fool for a change. Fretting and flirting with the idea of being with Hotsuma was his own mistake when deep down he knew that’s all he wanted. It was time to take Touko’s words to heart, to really try to let Hotsuma in-even if it made everything else in his life a confused mess. “You…really are amazing.”
“Eh? Shusei? Are you already sick? What’s wrong?” Shusei could feel the burn of embarrassed flowing all the way down to Hotsuma’s chest.
“Nothing, Hotsuma, it’s…nothing.” But his whispered words never reach Hotsuma-they are drowned out in the rain that surrounded them.