Plants grow
beans sprout and tempers expand like a mushroom cloud in a gale, the shit flies everywhere. One of those days when my anger has being bubbling aound, ill concealed and destructively. Why? Dunno, it's just around and destructive. A motto I have is "a destructive urge is a creative force" (I think it's either Bakunin or Neitzsche) so I had a go at setting up a LAMP (Linux, Apache, MYsql & PHP) server. Dunno, again, it just did not happen, lack of concentration while world war ninety three raged in my cranium? Planning how to shoot down one of the jets whooshing over the flat - should crash fairly close to Battersea.
The fear, the fear. The anger will tip over into sheer rage, that totally uncontrolable anger that only passes when sheer exhaustion or weight of numbers clamps it, physically, down. The years of accumulated un-expressed anger willy-nilly spewing out in a random frenzy of gross destruction - both to self or anyone around. To make it worse it is an addictive sensation, for me it is the colour, they become pure beyond reality. I can't hear but see the colours vibrate when anyone approaches. I am not in so the internal debate stops, I see from the back of my head from somewhere totally calm and safe - or so I believe at the time. Reality isn't a distant memory as this moment is reality now, only carnage pleases.
The aim is to stop and control myself before that rush into the void, when I still have some grip on what is happening, the server construction failed, watching Buffy & the Scoobies do the violence gave some relief or distraction. Then it started bubbling, gabba-gabba-AGH, the internal debate, full plenary session, re-opened. It is then down to a trick I learnt last year, as the spiral narrows, accelerates and crashes I touch my forehead! It's still a new trick and I find it hard to remember it, it requires practice and I do not want to be like this and parctise can only come from being at the unwanted edge.
The theory is that the physical contact, ones own - someone else's is the spark to light the roaring flame of rage, brings one back into ones own body allowing for a little more time to contain the rage. Next trick, and I seem so far from it, is to express how I feel and what is in my head.
The fear, the fear. The anger will tip over into sheer rage, that totally uncontrolable anger that only passes when sheer exhaustion or weight of numbers clamps it, physically, down. The years of accumulated un-expressed anger willy-nilly spewing out in a random frenzy of gross destruction - both to self or anyone around. To make it worse it is an addictive sensation, for me it is the colour, they become pure beyond reality. I can't hear but see the colours vibrate when anyone approaches. I am not in so the internal debate stops, I see from the back of my head from somewhere totally calm and safe - or so I believe at the time. Reality isn't a distant memory as this moment is reality now, only carnage pleases.
The aim is to stop and control myself before that rush into the void, when I still have some grip on what is happening, the server construction failed, watching Buffy & the Scoobies do the violence gave some relief or distraction. Then it started bubbling, gabba-gabba-AGH, the internal debate, full plenary session, re-opened. It is then down to a trick I learnt last year, as the spiral narrows, accelerates and crashes I touch my forehead! It's still a new trick and I find it hard to remember it, it requires practice and I do not want to be like this and parctise can only come from being at the unwanted edge.
The theory is that the physical contact, ones own - someone else's is the spark to light the roaring flame of rage, brings one back into ones own body allowing for a little more time to contain the rage. Next trick, and I seem so far from it, is to express how I feel and what is in my head.