thinking about life & how i want to continue....
so. today in the life of katie! I’m not sure if I want to continue to go to school anymore because i don’t think this is what i want to do with my life. that’s why i hate tech school. you have to pick what you want to do right off the bat. i cant just switch majors right now. id have start all over again! and the shitty part is that i have had all that federal funding that is going to go to waste. i would like to go to school. i just don’t want to continue to go for the same reason. its not what i thought it would be. i just wanted to do camera work. I’m learning to do everything. i don’t wanna be my own one man band. i want to be a part of a team! i want to do the camera part of the deal. or maybe be a director or a production assistant. just dealing with the right now! not the post production aspect. & it looks as if that’s all thee is out there in this field. the things i don’t want to do. & i really don’t know if my hearts even in to all of it anyways.
I think I’m fat. I’m really not all that bad. i just think i am. you know how when you are doing a push-up & your arms are holding you up & you can see your stomach? or your shirt is hanging down & it looks all gross & hangs down ? my stomach hangs down like this. It is a giant pouch of fat. You cant really tell if I’m standing up. i can grab it with my hands & hold it like a hamburger. also i have thighs that i hate. when i stand up, they touch each other. & they look gross as well. my skin has stretched to hold the fat in them. i have stretch marks on my thighs. & my arms are flabby. there is like no muscle in my arms at all. This is why i mainly wear 3/4 length shirts or short sleeves that hide the stupid fat in my arms. also i don’t think I’m all that pretty. i wanted to be a model. i still do.. or an actor. i was in my living room & the Victoria secret fashion show was on. i said something to my brother & asked if he thought i could do it. he said I was "mediocre at best". i was hangin out with my boyfriend once. I’ve never told him about the model thing. i told him i thought my legs were fat. he said at least i didn’t want to be a model or anything. i still haven’t told him. i don’t know. i have this low self esteem where i don’t really think I’m worth the time of day. but i fake out loud that I’m hot shit to try & over compensate for the fact that i think I’m trash. I pretty much just look like a bitch.
i hate my job. i want a new one. I’m not qualified for anything at all. there is nothing really that i am good at all. my job makes my hate life & makes my seem worthless.
i pretty much just do think I’m worthless most of the time. there is really nothing i am good at. i pretty much have a crappy life. there really is nothing left to live for except maybe the fact that i might get better from here. it has to right? i cant just go off & off my self or anything. i don’t have the guts or courage to do something that rash. but really what is there? my life up to this point has been trash. & i do not believe in the near distant future it will get better. it cant get much worse. that’s a plus. I am at a plat-oe in my life. this is the second midlife crisis I’ve had in my life. this one is more to deal with my life then the last. still no emotions though so that’s good.
so i have to decide & quick what to do next. i have to have a sit down with my self & a notebook & decide what tot do next. i am in so much debt i could buy a car with what it will take to pay it off. a fairly decent car. i also need a car. a inexpensive one. a VERY inexpensive one. i need to figure out how to make myself happy with me as a person cause i have to live with me. i have to find a suitable job for my financial needs. i need to figure out what to do with my schooling & if i will continue. also what to do with brett & his not trying at all in our relationship. pretty much i have to do a 180 on this life & fast before i crash & burn. wish me luck. ill need it. I’m pretty un-lucky. & I’m irish! ha!
I think I’m fat. I’m really not all that bad. i just think i am. you know how when you are doing a push-up & your arms are holding you up & you can see your stomach? or your shirt is hanging down & it looks all gross & hangs down ? my stomach hangs down like this. It is a giant pouch of fat. You cant really tell if I’m standing up. i can grab it with my hands & hold it like a hamburger. also i have thighs that i hate. when i stand up, they touch each other. & they look gross as well. my skin has stretched to hold the fat in them. i have stretch marks on my thighs. & my arms are flabby. there is like no muscle in my arms at all. This is why i mainly wear 3/4 length shirts or short sleeves that hide the stupid fat in my arms. also i don’t think I’m all that pretty. i wanted to be a model. i still do.. or an actor. i was in my living room & the Victoria secret fashion show was on. i said something to my brother & asked if he thought i could do it. he said I was "mediocre at best". i was hangin out with my boyfriend once. I’ve never told him about the model thing. i told him i thought my legs were fat. he said at least i didn’t want to be a model or anything. i still haven’t told him. i don’t know. i have this low self esteem where i don’t really think I’m worth the time of day. but i fake out loud that I’m hot shit to try & over compensate for the fact that i think I’m trash. I pretty much just look like a bitch.
i hate my job. i want a new one. I’m not qualified for anything at all. there is nothing really that i am good at all. my job makes my hate life & makes my seem worthless.
i pretty much just do think I’m worthless most of the time. there is really nothing i am good at. i pretty much have a crappy life. there really is nothing left to live for except maybe the fact that i might get better from here. it has to right? i cant just go off & off my self or anything. i don’t have the guts or courage to do something that rash. but really what is there? my life up to this point has been trash. & i do not believe in the near distant future it will get better. it cant get much worse. that’s a plus. I am at a plat-oe in my life. this is the second midlife crisis I’ve had in my life. this one is more to deal with my life then the last. still no emotions though so that’s good.
so i have to decide & quick what to do next. i have to have a sit down with my self & a notebook & decide what tot do next. i am in so much debt i could buy a car with what it will take to pay it off. a fairly decent car. i also need a car. a inexpensive one. a VERY inexpensive one. i need to figure out how to make myself happy with me as a person cause i have to live with me. i have to find a suitable job for my financial needs. i need to figure out what to do with my schooling & if i will continue. also what to do with brett & his not trying at all in our relationship. pretty much i have to do a 180 on this life & fast before i crash & burn. wish me luck. ill need it. I’m pretty un-lucky. & I’m irish! ha!