Changes
It seems every time I turn around lately, something else has changed. Went to work last night and discovered several acquaintances are gone. Also found out a friend who used to be a very good friend took a new position... and is moving.
I've had to admit to myself that I am truly, honestly not good with change. I dislike it intensely, to the point I get ill when I face it. Yeah, I force myself to try to keep my smile on and not to let others see me in a panic attack, but I have them. And lately I've been having them more and more frequently.
It does not help that for the past few years I've been fighting depression tooth and nail. Working night shift to pay the bills and try not to sink under them has not helped either. Some years I've spent all my time hiding from life because it's been too much to handle on my own and asking for help is as painful as dealing with things on my own.
And yes, I know, intellectually that panic attacks and depression need medical intervention but if I'm not making ends meet, I see no point in trying to add to the bills by doctor appointments and more, even higher priced, meds. So I force myself up and out of the house and I'm trying to keep up what little social interaction I have left in the area.
Knowing that my job is literally at an end is only adding to the pressure. All the friends and family I had when I came here have moved away or simply drifted away. Partly my fault, partly life.
And being an extreme introvert I have a LOT of trouble going out to make new friends. I have trouble just going out to places I want to see if there's no one there who I don't know. It's something I have to literally plan out and attack like a mission and it's so very hard not to back down and just give up on the going out to see these places I want to see.
Next month, starting this weekend, actually, my schedule changes so that I won't get to see those few friends I have left on line except one, maybe two nights a week. And then, the first of September, it changes again and I'll be here even less.
It's not going to be fun. Especially as I'm now actively rebuilding my resume and trying to find a new job.
Oh, yeah, and packing 'cause I sure as heck can't afford my apartment or the bills when I lose my differential.
All I can do though, is take one step at a time, keep myself moving and going out of the house for sunlight and exercise, praying and meditating, trying to keep myself from sinking with the Lord's help. I've been in worse places... I just don't like the idea of falling that far again.
So now what to do?
I've had to admit to myself that I am truly, honestly not good with change. I dislike it intensely, to the point I get ill when I face it. Yeah, I force myself to try to keep my smile on and not to let others see me in a panic attack, but I have them. And lately I've been having them more and more frequently.
It does not help that for the past few years I've been fighting depression tooth and nail. Working night shift to pay the bills and try not to sink under them has not helped either. Some years I've spent all my time hiding from life because it's been too much to handle on my own and asking for help is as painful as dealing with things on my own.
And yes, I know, intellectually that panic attacks and depression need medical intervention but if I'm not making ends meet, I see no point in trying to add to the bills by doctor appointments and more, even higher priced, meds. So I force myself up and out of the house and I'm trying to keep up what little social interaction I have left in the area.
Knowing that my job is literally at an end is only adding to the pressure. All the friends and family I had when I came here have moved away or simply drifted away. Partly my fault, partly life.
And being an extreme introvert I have a LOT of trouble going out to make new friends. I have trouble just going out to places I want to see if there's no one there who I don't know. It's something I have to literally plan out and attack like a mission and it's so very hard not to back down and just give up on the going out to see these places I want to see.
Next month, starting this weekend, actually, my schedule changes so that I won't get to see those few friends I have left on line except one, maybe two nights a week. And then, the first of September, it changes again and I'll be here even less.
It's not going to be fun. Especially as I'm now actively rebuilding my resume and trying to find a new job.
Oh, yeah, and packing 'cause I sure as heck can't afford my apartment or the bills when I lose my differential.
All I can do though, is take one step at a time, keep myself moving and going out of the house for sunlight and exercise, praying and meditating, trying to keep myself from sinking with the Lord's help. I've been in worse places... I just don't like the idea of falling that far again.
So now what to do?