Surviving Honesty
"When I get too far ahead, you always find me through the crowd. Through all these people, jostling into one another; sharp elbows and clumsy feet - you still find me. And I never have to look, I just turn and hold out my hand and you're there. Out of breath, sweating, or grinning; there you are. Even when I try to disappear, you know which crack to reach into to pull me back out. But you've never .. once .. asked me to slow down."
She crouches next to a slumbering body on the floor, and would be in all darkness but for the glow the monitors give off in the room. "Talkin', maybe .. but." reaching out, she fingers the blanket stretched across his shoulders. "I tried so hard to not love you like this. I mean, I knew I loved you. How could I not? You're one of the most loyal people I've ever met in my life. And ... I swear, it's like you don't even think bad thoughts. It's like the darker side of human nature doesn't even occur to you."
Reaching back, her hand goes over her shoulder, pressing into a sticky bloody mess of wound and cloth. "Not until it hits this close, I guess. I'm tired of bringin' this home to you. I didn't think this would ever.. a broken heart, I can understand that. I've had to understand it quite a few times now. But what happened this time, I swear ... I never thought it'd happen. I let myself get distracted, and thought I was protecting somebody I loved. An' .. an' even chanced losin' you to it. What a stupid... stupid thing. You were there the whole time .. and don't think I ignored what you told me. I just thought I could ..." lowering her hand, she looks at the oily sheen on her fingertips. "Et tu ...?" she smiles, lips thin with the strain. "Well, there's all sorts of surprises in life. I'm a little impressed, cuz you know me an' always tryin' to know what's ahead... I didn't see this at all."
Wrapping her arms around her knees, she lids her eyes and watches him slumber with his head turned towards her on the pillow. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for every moment I wasted thinkin' about that. I'm sorry for every smile I held back. For every laugh. I was so afraid of acknowledgin' that I wasn't feeling lonely anymore, thinkin' it meant I was being unfaithful to another promise I had made." she wipes her hands on her pajama pants, leaving tacky residue. "You had a full time job, freelance work .. you were always covered up-- an' you always made time for me. Even when I was just bein' a loony toon."
Unfolding herself, she lets her hip settle to the floor and curled her body around his pillow. Her fingers find the back shell of his ear, riding the ridges with little strokes. "I wish someone coulda captured us, y'know, on film or somethin' - when we first met, that is. I was all hunkered down in the seat, cuz a buddy o' mine declared me contraband. Then you gettin' in, and damn first thing you did was look me right in the eyes. As .. awkward and squashed I was. You're sleepin', but I tell you what - I ain't ever met someone who can make the expression you did that afternoon."
Squirming in close, she presses her forehead against the crown of his head. "Sometime back in 1997, I met this fella .. who turned out to be one of my best friends. An when I got into college and got a little wanderlust, I visited him. Funny, meetin' someone you knew almost half your life through text. An' of all the incredible .. ridiculous odds. You were one of his best friends too. That's why you were in the car that day. An' I know you aren't even all that social, so what got you into the car that day was a miracle itself. Hangin' out with two strangers."
From his ear, her hand glides down to cup his cheek and run her thumb over the scratchy hairs. "Everythin' in my life changed somehow, after that, and for better or for worse... you took a chance and stuck it out for somebody like me. You barely knew who I was. You only got snippets. Little weekends. Phone calls. An' that little connection kept you at my side for three years. You weren't pushin' me one way or another ... you just kept pickin' me back up. Tellin' me I wasn't some sort o' lunatic. That I wasn't unwanted. That there was somethin' inside me that you believed in... an' you wanted it to come out of me so bad so everyone else could see."
She turned her face against her arm, tears soaking into the sleeve of her shirt. "I dunno how you got put together the way you did, but I didn't think I'd ever find somethin' like you. Specially someone like me, who ain't ... ah, you know. Someone a lil' off, a lil' loud, a lil' too much. God knows my flirtin' has the finesse of a kick to the shin. So, I guess .. I'm... what I'm tryin' to say here. I do love you that way. Meanin, wherever you go, that's the way I'm goin' too."
Even with her back burning, lancing ghostly pains deep into her chest; she fell into an even sleep curled there at the head of his bed on the floor. With him, this could heal. Time kicks up a skateboard and loiters when it comes to young lovers, so they had many days to do with what they wished.
She crouches next to a slumbering body on the floor, and would be in all darkness but for the glow the monitors give off in the room. "Talkin', maybe .. but." reaching out, she fingers the blanket stretched across his shoulders. "I tried so hard to not love you like this. I mean, I knew I loved you. How could I not? You're one of the most loyal people I've ever met in my life. And ... I swear, it's like you don't even think bad thoughts. It's like the darker side of human nature doesn't even occur to you."
Reaching back, her hand goes over her shoulder, pressing into a sticky bloody mess of wound and cloth. "Not until it hits this close, I guess. I'm tired of bringin' this home to you. I didn't think this would ever.. a broken heart, I can understand that. I've had to understand it quite a few times now. But what happened this time, I swear ... I never thought it'd happen. I let myself get distracted, and thought I was protecting somebody I loved. An' .. an' even chanced losin' you to it. What a stupid... stupid thing. You were there the whole time .. and don't think I ignored what you told me. I just thought I could ..." lowering her hand, she looks at the oily sheen on her fingertips. "Et tu ...?" she smiles, lips thin with the strain. "Well, there's all sorts of surprises in life. I'm a little impressed, cuz you know me an' always tryin' to know what's ahead... I didn't see this at all."
Wrapping her arms around her knees, she lids her eyes and watches him slumber with his head turned towards her on the pillow. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for every moment I wasted thinkin' about that. I'm sorry for every smile I held back. For every laugh. I was so afraid of acknowledgin' that I wasn't feeling lonely anymore, thinkin' it meant I was being unfaithful to another promise I had made." she wipes her hands on her pajama pants, leaving tacky residue. "You had a full time job, freelance work .. you were always covered up-- an' you always made time for me. Even when I was just bein' a loony toon."
Unfolding herself, she lets her hip settle to the floor and curled her body around his pillow. Her fingers find the back shell of his ear, riding the ridges with little strokes. "I wish someone coulda captured us, y'know, on film or somethin' - when we first met, that is. I was all hunkered down in the seat, cuz a buddy o' mine declared me contraband. Then you gettin' in, and damn first thing you did was look me right in the eyes. As .. awkward and squashed I was. You're sleepin', but I tell you what - I ain't ever met someone who can make the expression you did that afternoon."
Squirming in close, she presses her forehead against the crown of his head. "Sometime back in 1997, I met this fella .. who turned out to be one of my best friends. An when I got into college and got a little wanderlust, I visited him. Funny, meetin' someone you knew almost half your life through text. An' of all the incredible .. ridiculous odds. You were one of his best friends too. That's why you were in the car that day. An' I know you aren't even all that social, so what got you into the car that day was a miracle itself. Hangin' out with two strangers."
From his ear, her hand glides down to cup his cheek and run her thumb over the scratchy hairs. "Everythin' in my life changed somehow, after that, and for better or for worse... you took a chance and stuck it out for somebody like me. You barely knew who I was. You only got snippets. Little weekends. Phone calls. An' that little connection kept you at my side for three years. You weren't pushin' me one way or another ... you just kept pickin' me back up. Tellin' me I wasn't some sort o' lunatic. That I wasn't unwanted. That there was somethin' inside me that you believed in... an' you wanted it to come out of me so bad so everyone else could see."
She turned her face against her arm, tears soaking into the sleeve of her shirt. "I dunno how you got put together the way you did, but I didn't think I'd ever find somethin' like you. Specially someone like me, who ain't ... ah, you know. Someone a lil' off, a lil' loud, a lil' too much. God knows my flirtin' has the finesse of a kick to the shin. So, I guess .. I'm... what I'm tryin' to say here. I do love you that way. Meanin, wherever you go, that's the way I'm goin' too."
Even with her back burning, lancing ghostly pains deep into her chest; she fell into an even sleep curled there at the head of his bed on the floor. With him, this could heal. Time kicks up a skateboard and loiters when it comes to young lovers, so they had many days to do with what they wished.